Title: A Friend in Need
Summary: Mac reflects on his showdown with Flack but it's Stella who help's Mac recover from his emotional meltdownand move forward to a new understanding. Some spoilers from 6.8 Cuckoo's Nest. SMACKED fluff/friendship
Disclaimer: I don't own Mac Taylor but I wish I did (course then I'd have no time for writing)! This is a piece of fan fiction. It is written for pleasure and not for profit. The characters of CSI New York and any other regular cast and supporting cast members all belong to CBS, Paramount & Jerry Bruckheimer and Anthony Zuiker. All other characters are my own. Any resemblance to anyone living or dead is purely coincidental.
A/N: Okay so yes the muse was inspired again. She's trying to find SMACKED for you guys on this almost smackless season! Hope you all enjoy as much as she did. Oh and it's Mac's POV b/c both the muse and I are in love *sigh* and hey who doesn't love angry Mac (grin). Actually on a side note, the eye chemistry and the simple touching was very reminiscent of our original smacked so this eppy was pretty good that way.
Betrayal, anger, hatred, frustration, bitterness...
Just a few of the emotions racing around in my brain today. The whole day has been an emotional roller coster; one of those wilder rides with lots of extreme highs and lows but very few breaks in between. I stare at my reflection in the window; the man looking back shaking his head in worry and concern.
I wanted to blame Flack for his actions, part of me just wanted to scream I told you so; that's what you get for not listening; now who's going to watch your ass. But I couldn't bring myself to do that; I cared too much. I cared enough to lie and that is why I'm so pissed off; but mostly at myself.
I had his back; I lied for him, knowing if the circumstances were reversed he'd do the same for me.
'We're in the middle of a murder investigation and you go AWOL?' I had shouted in his face; two friends colliding in the middle of that unfriendly apartment; a neutral place where we could just vent away from judging eyes. I hated to ram protocol down his throat but that's all I could think at the time to get him back on the straight and narrow. I had told myself after the showdown with Sheldon that I wasn't going to allow myself to play the reactive card; but once again, it was all I could do as I stood before Don; yelling at him but mostly cursing myself. Protocol, damn I hate that word sometimes.
'I lied for you! Lied to help you because I thought I was doing the right thing!' I wanted to throw that in his face; but am thankful I held back.
'I don't want to hear your lies Don. Just don't! You broke protocol.' Was another sentiment that was wanting to push it's way from my overheated brain to my mouth. I'm thankfully I didn't cross that line verbally; as I know I did mentally.
Now I curse myself for even uttering those pious words; throwing into his face control instead of compassion. Damn you Mac, I curse myself once more. Anger flashes in my eyes, my whole body tense, nerves on edge as I stare absently out the window. My anger continues to boil until I sense that I am not alone.
I don't even have to turn around to know she's there; Stella, my right hand, the one person on this planet that I would willingly give my life for, no questions asked. Somehow just sensing her there, watching over me, seems to sooth my tattered shell and my heart rate starts to slow a little. Even now, even in this state of being, she's not afraid to see me in such a state; when everyone else has run for cover from the big bad wolf, she's here; like she always has been.
"Mac?" She dares to ask in a calm voice; wondering I'm going to snap at her like I did to a friend earlier in the day. But she doesn't take another step and I feel my heart sink in an instant. I can't fault myself for anyone else in the lab being afraid to approach me but I do for Stella; in my heart I love her, why the hell can't I show that ever?
"What?" I lightly snap but quickly turn to her in remorse. "Stella I'm sorry."
"No Mac, I don't think you are," she tells me pointedly.
"I'm not mad at you."
"At yourself right?"
"I defended him Stella, I outright lied for him and this is how...I feel...I hate this!"
'I wouldn't bother. He's takin' the day off. Figured I'd tell you in person.'
'Hope Flack appreciates the trouble you have gone through and the trouble you could get into.'
'He'd do the same for me...same for me...for me...'
"He let you down right?"
"I lied for him and..."
"And you're pissed right?"
I look at her, unable to say the word, 'yes', when my brain is screaming the answer loud and clear. "Yes," I finally admit in mental defeat.
"And I know how you hate to be let down."
"Stella..."
"Mostly by yourself," she continues, her arms gently folding in front of her chest. "I'm willing to bet that inside you thought to yourself you'd now be able to offer someone else a shoulder to cry on because you have experienced first hand losing someone you love very much."
"Stella..." I try again.
"The sad thing, Mac, he's doing what you did. Turning away from those that want to help. You turned inward; built up a hard emotional shell that even I have not yet been able to penetrate," her voice ends in an almost somewhat sad tone and my heart breaks in an instant. I look at the defeated expression on her beautiful face and a painful lump forms in my throat. "But Don is dealing with it his way, turning to the things he shouldn't instead of those that want to help. You might not have stared down the neck of a bottle in public Mac; but I'll bet my life that when you were alone in private that was the only thing keeping you company, offering you some sort of sordid consolation. That's why you never slept; you just never admitted it to anyone."
"It didn't last."
"That's because I never allowed you to wallow or sink that low before and I sure as hell am not going to allow you to do that now."
"Stella I'm not..."
"I mean walk the tighrope of mental suicide Mac. Today was beyond your control and you know it."
I allow her to finish before I feel my body offer another heavy sigh.
"Mac?"
"I hate it when you're right; usually means I'll be hearing, I told you so, any second," I state and her frown disappears and is replaced by the smile that always makes my heart skip a beat.
"Mac, Don came back. You didn't lose this round."
"I...you're right."
"Pardon?" She asks slowly.
"I am angry because I feel let down; but let down mostly by myself. I can't fault Don completely," I huff as I push my hand through my hair, not caring if I muss it slightly. "Not after what he said to me. Stella, what he went through with Angell's death...not after what he confessed...I...damn it, I just can't. It's not up to me to..."
"Mac it's between you and him and I won't ask unless you want to tell me. And if you do, you know it goes no further."
"Not right now," I tell her in remorse. "I'm sorry."
"Mac, don't be sorry. Friendship and trust are what you two need to rebuild."
"Should never have come to that."
"But it did. He told me he apologized and that you apologized also. Came to a mutual understanding."
'I want to apologize Mac...you showed me a lot of patience and support, thank you. I'm sorry....'
'I know a lot of your behaviors had to do with Angells death...also something else...don't need to hear about it...have you dealt with it and it's done.'
'I crossed the line and I'll have to live with that...never happen again...never...re-earn your trust...most important thing.'
"Had to."
"You wanted to," she corrects me and my face finally rewards her with a soft smile.
"I wanted to," I softly echo as I allow my mind to drift back to the small amends that Don and made; the small truce that we finally both settled upon; apologies being offered by two men who now share a common pain. "Seeing him in that apartment; bloody and broken. But damn I was angry. I wish you were there...I know you would have said the right things. I don't think I did."
'Just one of those days...won't happen againd...o whatcha gotta do get outta my face...'
'...see if you turned up dead...keep tellin' people you are fine...won't work...'
'Eatin' at me Mac...when Angell was killed...make it right...'
'Justice was served...'
'Not your priest...between you and God...can I count on you?'
However as my mind thinks back to the fact that he could have been killed my anger surges once more. "Damn it! Why the hell didn't he just listen?"
"To what? Reason?" She counters with an arched brow. "Did you?"
"Right," I shake my head as I turn my back to her.
"It's over Mac, don't keep doing this to yourself. Rehashing every second in that wired brain of yours trying to see what else you could have done to prevent this. It's done and over. You and Don have made amends. In that park tonight, you proved that by working as a team. It's over and you need to come to terms with that."
A few minutes of silence pass before I feel delicate fingers dare to touch my tense shoulder. If it had been anyone else I would have shrugged off the touch; but with Stella I welcome it, begging for it mentally; my body yearning for it physically.
"Don is going to be fine," she whispers, her warm breath sending soothing shockwaves down my spine. I close my eyes for a brief second and then sigh once more. "Are you?"
"I want to believe that. First Sheldon, now Don. Damn it Stella, it feels like our whole team is falling apart."
"It only feels that way but right now we are just all going through a rough patch; we will survive this. You know we will."
I finally feel Stella move in a bit closer, her body nearing mine and my heart starting to race. I slowly turn to face her and our eyes lock; a showdown of heated passion between sapphire and emerald. As we had earlier when our eyes locked in a moment of understanding, no words were needed; a touch, a soft smile, a mental understanding that what is now growing between us is more than simple friendship; it's love and I have finally come to realize that time is just too short to waste on petty personal crusades that in the end don't mean anything that really matters to anyone outside of yourself.
Don matters; Stella matters; my friendship with one and my love for the other. That's all that really matters.
"You should go home and rest."
"I'm hungry and you are coming with me."
"I'm not hungry Stella."
"Damn it Mac, now is not the time to show me that famous Mac Taylor bull headedness."
"I..."
"The bar next door, or a beer in your apartment."
"Sheldon is..."
"Working late," she reminds me. "Out of excuses Mac."
"Excuses huh?" I arch my brows and she slowly nods her head. "I could use a beer."
"I think you could use a friend."
"Just a friend?" I counter and her face flushes.
"Mac?"
"I could use a beer," I repeat with a slight smile and she just shakes her head.
"Right. Come on, let's go."
Then before I can offer another word in defeated protest, she loops her arm in mine and slowly directs me toward the door; already having her jacket on, she just leads me toward the elevator and I seem unable to do anything other than let her. We reach the street and as she hails us a cab, my heart starts to race with nervous anticipation.
"Do you have beer at home Mac?"
"Just don't ask for food."
"I asked for beer, not a miracle," she throws at me and I can't help but smile. Her fingers grasp mine, intertwining with mine and offering me some much needed warmth that seems to sooth my fraying nerves.
"You told me to be careful earlier," I start in a low tone.
"I spoke the truth Mac," her grip tightens around mine. She looks at me, forcing my face to turn to hers and our eyes to lock. "Don't want to ever lose you."
"I don't deserve you," I whisper softly.
"I think you deserve better than you give yourself credit for."
"I'm sorry."
"For what? I told you Don will be fine," Stella tells me as the cab comes to a stop outside my apartment. We slowly get out and I gently take her arm and turn her to face me.
"I'm sorry Stella."
"Mac, I..."
"For having such a hard shell that you can't seem to penetrate," I finally manage, my heart racing with each confessed word I offer her in truth. "I never wanted that. Not for us."
"Why won't you let me in?"
"I want to," I tell her as I look at her with a warm smile, as my fingers gently push a soft curl off her face. "Teach me how Stella; show me how to let you in."
"You sure you want that?"
"With all my heart."
"Just me?"
"Just you; my heart only wants you," I gently whisper and she offers me a small swallow as her hand gently touches my cheek and I close my eyes for a split second.
"I want in," she whispers in return as she slowly guides my lips to hers and plants a tender kiss on them, sending small electrical shockwaves to my feet. I slowly open my eyes and look at her with love.
"Wow," I whisper and her face lights up. "Thank you."
"Oh that was the first of many to come," she winks and I have to offer a soft smirk. "But I am still holding you to that beer. I mean just because that kiss scrambled my brain, don't think I'll let you get away that easily."
"I hope you never let me get away at all," I tell her firmly and she looks at me in happy surprise.
"Never Mac. You need me and I need you."
"Are you sure?"
"That I need you?" She queries as she takes my hand and holds it in her's near her rapidly beaing heart. "I need you in here Mac, my heart wants only you. I hope you never let me get away."
"Never," I whisper as I pull her close, my lips inches from crushing hers, finally being able to show her physically what I am feeling inside mentally. And while today might have started with uncertainty and doubt; it ends with something I never thought possible; a future with filled with love, my best friend at my side. For when I was in need, the only person I wanted was with me all along. I was never alone and as our kiss deepens, flooding us both with new found passion, I know one thing is certain; I'll never be alone again.
THE END!
A/N: Okay sofirst of all wasn't sure I was going to post but the evil muse kept me up until wee hours finishing this for you all b/c she insisted you needed another SMACKED one shot. So hopefully it makes sense and you liked it enough to smile and leave a note and thanks so much once again. Remember to drop by my SMACKED forum to discuss tonight's eppy!
PS: Target Specific updated tomorrow.