Harry Potter one-shot Crack!Fic! I'm posting this as to tide everybody over until my other updates. Please note that the other stories will take me a while to write due to not having too much spare time, and this is just a small bonus due to it having been bouncing around my head for a while. Anyways, please enjoy.
(Warning - this was typed on a phone initially, so please ignore any errors brought on because of this. Thanks!)
Hedwig screeched as the cage holding her shook wildly. According to her human, they were trying to escape from people called 'Death Eaters' led by the 'Evil Lord Moldyshorts', who'd apparently left a piece of his soul in her human's scar. She'd already known that somebody else was in him! No self-respecting post owl would ever miss a life-force, no matter how dark, twisted, and small it was!
She was shaken out of her thoughts when the damned side-car shook again, but this time even more violently. Hooting her disapproval to the incompetent half-human flying the damned motorcycle, she quickly shut up when red and green bolts of light flew by the trio of airborne aviators. Seeing her human turn around and start firing the same bolts at their pursuers, she frantically tried to open the cage door to fly freely and follow him to wherever he was going.
She was so engrossed in her work of improvised lock-picking that she nearly missed the green flash heading right towards her. Shrieking desperately, she watched helplessly as it tore through the thin wire of her cage and hit her body. Everything went black the next second, her hearing her human shout her name as the last sound she heard on this mortal coil.
Spirit coalescing above her body, she shrieked as she dived towards her soul's vessel, fighting against the upwards pull. Slowly losing ground, she reminded herself as to why she was doing this. She had to look after her human! Images flowed through her brain rapidy as she thought of her experiences.
She'd tried to make her human eat when he starved himself to feed her. She'd watched over him as he flew around and fell. She'd comforted him when the orange weasel left and the older badger had died. She'd supported him and helped pick up the broken pieces when the dog vanished. She'd stuck with him through battles, harsh glares, amd starvation, so she wasn't losing to a damned green light! Feeling the pressure lessen, she dived triumphantly towards her body, not noticing the golden glow surrounding her soul.
Harry Potter had gone into shock. His one permanent friend was just murdered in front of him, and he wasn't able to do a merlin-damned thing! "It's just the graveyard incident all over again," he thought. "How am I going to protect anyone if I can't do anything?!"
He was broken out of his self-depreciating thoughts as the corpse of Hedwig began to glow a bright gold and raise off the cage floor. Averting his eyes, he registered a bright flash in his peripheral vision. Blinking to clear the spots from his eyes, he saw Hedwig shining as bright as the sun as she gleamed a glittering gold.
Hedwig looked down at her body in shock. She wasn't supposed to be gold! Shaking it off, she gently bit her human's ear before grabbing his wand. Seeing Lord Moldyshorts flying towards her, intent on capturing her and human, she pointed the wand at the human serpent and released all of her rage at him.
A gigantic golden beam shot towards the self-proclaimed 'Dark Lord', erasing him from existence along with a majority of his followers. Hedwig screeched victoriously as the the beam hit, yelling to the heavens to fuck off and not mess with her or her human ever again.
In a Gringotts vault, a golden cup shattered. Trapped inbetween dimensions until summoned by the Room of Requirement, a bejeweled tiara cracked in two. A locket exploded, impaling a laughing Umbridge's throat as she ordered the aurors to bring in a new muggleborn witch. Nagini vomited black ichor as a part of her late master left her body. Harry Potter cried out in pain as his scar leaked blood and a black haze rose from the incision, attracting the attention of the celebrating Hedwig.
Harry Potter stared at his approaching owl, who was currently turning back to white. Landing on his shoulder, she hooted gently as she leaned on him, totally exhausted but still very concerned. All around him, he heard yells of "NO FUCKING WAY!" as the members of the Order finally reacted to the strange occurence.
Ignoring them, Harry summoned Lord Voldemort's wand as he stroked Hedwig gently. "Hedwig, you are the most bloody amazing owl ever made!" he tells her as she begins to fall asleep. "You can eat all the bacon you'd ever want tomorrow!"
Hooting gently in response, Hedwig fell asleep on Harry's shoulder, totally exhausted.
A Few Years Later
"They're hatching!" Hedwig called out to her mate as their eggs began to crack open. She sighed contentedly as Fawkes fluttered over to their nest. It had certainly been some interesting years for her and her human. After waking up from the fateful July flight, Hedwig gleefully took Harry's offer as she devoured five plates of bacon before stopping.
Her human had also made a few good decisions, surprisingly enough. He'd found Fawkes and introduced the very interested Phoenix to a love-smitten Hedwig, who were now mates. He'd married the curly-haired bookworm, leaving the two youngest weasels after the weasels cheated on their mates. Thankfully, the elder weasels kept a good bond with her humans, occasionally stopping in to chat.
She was also immensely thankful that he'd started a magical being reserve. Painfully aware of the rarity of Hedwig's and Fawkes' offspring, he set it up to protect magical creatures who needed it. There was a herd of unicorns, a few other phoenix, and more creatures that Hedwig couldn't recognize.
A loud crack brought her back to reality as one of the two eggs finally cracked open, revealing a red and white hatchling poking its head out of the shattered eggshell. Cooing gently at her new chick, Hedwig directed her to a bed of grasses and moss. Taking off once her chick had fallen asleep, she went to fetch her human.
Life was good for the Man-Who-Lived, the World's Smartest Witch, and the two legendary avians watching over them.