Sasuke Uchiha. Once upon a time his name would have sent shivers of joy down my spine. Now, only sorrow can be associated with that name. Have you ever gone from being so completely, senselessly in love with someone, putting all of the faith you had in that person, and then watched with horror as they failed your every expectation? But not just failed. No, Sasuke didn't exactly fail. He won in his own eyes. But by my standards, Sasuke had irreversibly altered my affection for him. I miss him with every fiber of being, yes, but I miss the old Sasuke, the one before the abandonment. If that Sasuke managed to return, I could love him again. But never with my entire being, not like I did before.
I don't think I will ever love again. They say that a love that strong comes once in a lifetime, and I do believe I filled my quota for this lifetime. Without having Sasuke occupy that space in my heart reserved for love, I felt hollow inside. Nothing felt the same anymore. The wind in my hair, the sound of the trees rustling, the sun shining on my face. It all had a lesser value for me now. Everything was darker, duller. I was drifting away, going to a place that I had no intention of ever returning from. I wasn't sure if I wanted things back to the way they were. Unless my mind could mentally block everything that had happened in the past few years, I knew I didn't want to go back. I'd still have the memory of the emptiness, and the memory alone was enough to make me want to scream my life away.
The only one keeping me glued to this vacant life of mine was Naruto Uzamaki. Naruto needed someone. Sasuke's betrayal wounded him as well; I wasn't going to show that kind selfishness and leave Naruto on his own. I knew that if Naruto left me, I would break even more inside, so much more, that I can honestly say, I think Naruto leaving would be the death of me. I don't know if this was how Naruto felt, but I wasn't going to find out. Lately, I'd been smiling again. Not the meaningless 'get-through-the-day' kind of smile, but a real genuine smile. Even a few laughs had been thrown into the mix. I know it doesn't sound like much of an accomplishment, and perhaps no one even noticed, but I did, and that was all that mattered. I knew that my friendly love for Naruto was allowing me to slowly but surely move away from the sadness inside of me. I hoped it would be enough. True, the nothing that was inside now was still, well, nothing, but it was becoming less and less of a leading emotion in me. I even felt a little bit lighter. But I wasn't whole. I wonder if I ever will be again. If that feeling would ever completely diminish.
Patience was not my strong point. Sometimes I wondered how some of the others used so much of it. I had never been a patient person. Never. When Sasuke was leaving, I impatiently followed where I knew he would be. I impatiently shouted out my feelings for him, in a final desperate attempt to make him stay. Anything to make him stay. I had even offered to leave with him. Ugh, how could I do that? I was ready to leave, to drop everything, everyone I knew, for him. Even when I had uttered those words, Naruto's face had flashed in my mind. True, we were at no where near the level of closeness as we were today, but even then I knew it would have broken him. Naruto loved me like I had once loved Sasuke. I knew it, though I don't even think Naruto was fully aware. I wished I could return his feelings. I desperately wished I could. I did love Naruto, I knew I did. I just didn't love him enough. I couldn't. I still loved Sasuke. But Naruto and Sasuke were so completely different. Night and Day. Fire and Ice. I felt differently about each of them. Yet, they were so much the same.
I knew Naruto didn't have the kind of rage that Sasuke did. Sasuke was just angry with everyone, everything. Nothing made him happy, at least to the point of showing it. Sasuke had been wronged in his life. He had had to witness something no one should ever have to see. He had every right to hate, to be past the point of anger and just hate. But, Sasuke needed to move on. He needed to see that not everyone was evil. He needed to see that even through all the bad, that there is good. He needed to know that, and I had hoped to be the only one to show it to him. To make him realize that he had a family. He had me. Had. Past tense.
Naruto had the anger yes, but Naruto knew how to control it, to only use his anger when he was angry. When Naruto wasn't engaged in a battle for his life, or the lives of those who mattered most to him, he was happy. He was kind. He was generous. He was clueless. He was just Naruto. Naruto had also been wronged in his life. He now had a duty, a heavy weighty responsibility no one else in Konoha could even begin to understand. He was treated differently just because of something inside of him. Some even feared Naruto. I hated those people. The people who gave him the evil eye whenever he walked down the streets. The people who thought they knew Naruto. None of them ever did. They thought that because he harbored a monster inside, that automatically made him one. In truth, they were the monsters. If they knew Naruto on even an inkling of a level as his friends did, they would know that he was nothing like they thought he was. Naruto, even after everything he had been through, from beginning to present, he was well. He was whole. My God I wished I had that in me. The kind of un-extinguishable flame of hope. Naruto loved life. Why couldn't I? He had been through so much more than me, and yet he managed to give his whole heart out to anyone who let him. I wanted that. I wanted to give my whole heart out again, but I was afraid. Afraid it might get broken again. I had only just now begun to find all of my missing pieces, and that was on a large part due to Naruto himself.
Who was it that had always been there for me, even when I didn't want him to be? Naruto. Who was it that now, after the years we had known each other, I had grown to love more and more by the hour? Naruto. No. I cant. I cant go down that road. I loved Naruto, yes, but did I love him as much as he deserved? Or would there always be a wall between us? Would Sasuke always be at the back of mind? I shook my head. No. He wouldn't. I knew that even now, Sasuke was slowly disappearing from my thoughts altogether. And, in his place, was Fire. Day. Naruto.
Can I love him, Naruto Uzamaki, with my entire heart, my entire soul, everything that made up my being? And then I looked up. I saw Naruto walking towards me, hands in his pockets, eyes on the ground. And when he lifted his head, gave me his familiar smile, I knew I could. I knew I did. I called to him, waving liking a mad man. I had to tell him. I had to let him know. He deserved to know.
He looked confused, that much was certain. He looked almost afraid. I hoped he wouldn't be as flustered as this. When he reached me, his eyes bugged out of his head. That was because I had grabbed his hand. I looked into his eyes and I told him. I told him what I discovered. And I waited. And waited. And waited. Silence. Impatient once again. But that all dissolved as Naruto pressed his lips directly to mine. When he pressed his forehead to mine and held my hands in his, his whispered words blew through the air as a gust of wind rustled through us.
"I love you too."