Title: Year One
Author: SneetchesToo
Rating: Teen
Pairing: Ethan/Leanne
Summary: There was a reason she didn't seek comfort in others. Why she kept to herself and locked her emotions away. Because whenever she did she got hurt. And she couldn't handle another heartbreak like that.
Author's Note: This is part 1 of 3. Obviously it's loosely AU. Please don't throw stones at me!
—
Leanne Rorish wasn't one to seek comfort in others, not these days anyway.
No, ever since her accident two years ago she had turned down affection of any kind from others, Jesse not included.
She didn't need it. And she didn't want it.
She was a strong woman, stronger than she had ever been, and she could handle things on her own.
That was until Ethan Willis walked into her life.
And then, everything changed.
—
She hadn't expected to fall for him.
In fact, she had been mad at herself when she did.
It had only been two and a half years since her husband had died.
Only thirty long, excruciating months since she had lost the love of her life.
She never thought she would love again.
She never thought she would so much as look at another man again.
But then she had met Ethan, and that had all gone out the door.
—
He had been a broken mess when they first met.
He was in his Army uniform, clean cut and clean shaven, and as handsome as the devil himself.
But he was crying, holding the lifeless body of a man not much younger than him in his arms.
And she had felt her heart break for him instantly.
—
They had tried for thirty minutes to stabilize the younger Willis brother.
Thirty long, terrifying minutes of CPR and pulse checks and holding their own breath.
But in the end, they had failed.
Robert Joseph Willis had died that March night, at a little after four in the morning, and she had been helpless to stop it from happening.
—
She had gently shut down Neal's request to be the one to tell the family.
She had been the one who had gotten him a bed after all.
And when she had made her way into the waiting room, her eyes searching for the well dressed man from earlier, she had held her breath.
But he was nowhere to be found.
Not a military uniform in sight.
And after she had searched for him for a good twenty minutes Amy had pointed in the direction of the roof.
She instantly feared the worse, a broken man headed for a higher destination was never a good sign.
She had run faster than she thought possible toward the staircase.
She couldn't lose another Willis brother that night.
Not on her watch.
—
He hadn't been thinking about jumping though, much to her relief.
And after scolding him for scaring her like that she had reminded him that access to the roof was for employees only.
But then she had seen the tears in his eyes and she had realized that he already knew what she had come up here to tell him.
That his brother was dead.
That the damage had been done and that it was too late to save him.
He told her that he knew that when he had found his body.
That he was a doctor in the Army and that he knew damn well that his brother didn't stand a chance.
He knew, and yet, he had still sought out help.
"My dad's gonna be furious." He had whispered into the night sky.
She didn't understand until a few weeks later why that was.
—
Normally once a patient had moved on, whether they had passed or simply been discharged, their family left with them.
Rarely did she see them again.
Occasionally she'd get a Christmas card from a former patient.
Or a note thanking her for her hard work and dedication.
But she didn't keep in touch.
And she most certainly didn't exchange phone numbers with patient's or their family members.
And yet, with this one, she had.
And against her better judgement, and Jesse's, she had texted him a few days after his brother's passing to check on him.
If she had known then that it would lead to what it was today, she wouldn't have hesitated nearly as much.
—
They had texted back and forth for two weeks before he asked her out for a cup of coffee.
And she had waited another three days after his invitation to say 'yes'.
Jesse had thought she was crazy.
Neal had thought it was about time.
And Mike, well Mike had been incredibly indecisive about the whole thing.
But she had agreed, despite the little voice in her head telling her that this was wrong on so many levels.
And they had set a date and time before she was able to change her mind.
—
She had been incredibly thankful that she hadn't changed her mind though because it turned out that Ethan Willis was quite the companion.
He had held the door open for her and told her how beautiful she had looked.
He had asked her about her life and her job and her friends.
She had refrained from bringing up her accident though.
No sense in spoiling a good first date with that mess.
And when it was all said and done he had walked her to her car and kissed her cheek before saying 'goodbye'.
That night he texted her and asked her out on a real date.
Something nice and slightly more fancy than the coffee shop from that morning.
She hadn't hesitated at all when she said 'yes' that time.
—
They spent three months casually dating.
Dinner here and there, the occasional after shift coffee meet up, a few evenings at the local art gallery.
And then he had gotten a call that he was needed back in Afghanistan.
And despite how much she hated to admit it, her whole world had come to a crashing halt.
She hadn't wanted to become attached to him, but she had.
And she hadn't wanted to develop feelings for him, but she had.
So when she said 'goodbye' to him in the airport on that sweltering July afternoon she had swore up and down to herself that she would move on and that everything would be fine.
He hadn't even made it through the gate before she started to cry.
She knew she wouldn't move on.
And she knew things wouldn't be fine.
—
That summer had been a crazy one.
Mike had left and Ed had been promoted and there was a different kind of bug up Mark Taylor's butt.
She and Jesse and Neal had powered along though.
Just like they always had before.
And just like they always would.
She had welcomed a new bunch of residents to the hospital in September and two days after their arrival she had arrived at work one morning to find a dozen yellow roses on her desk.
There was no card, no note, no nothing.
But she didn't need one.
She knew exactly who they were from.
And she had felt her heart flutter in her chest at the simple thought.
He hadn't forgotten about her after all.
—
The fall had brought about it's own set of challenges.
Hundreds of new patients. Hundreds of trying cases. Hundreds of hours of hard labor.
She hadn't heard from Ethan after the arrival of the flowers and she had tried hard to not let it bother her.
But deep down inside, she hated it.
She missed him.
She missed being able to text him at the end of a long day.
She missed hearing his laugh echo through his small house while he cooked her dinner before a long shift.
She missed his lips pressed gently against hers as she kissed him 'goodnight', much to their dismay.
She hadn't wanted to miss him, and yet, it was all she was capable of doing.
—
And then the day had come when her patient's wife had asked her about her son and for the first time since the accident she had felt the wind leave her lungs.
She hadn't talked about them much since her return to Angels.
In fact, she hadn't talked about them at all.
But in that moment, she had shared Eli's love for the show and it's music, and it had broken her heart.
Jesse had brought her back down to Earth afterward, just like he always did, and she had been standing there laughing at his horrible singing when she saw him.
It was just a glimpse, out of the corner of her eye, but she would recognize him anywhere.
He had stood in the shadows and waited for Jesse to make his exit, which he had done only after he had caught her gaze elsewhere.
"What is it daddy?" He had known something was up from the minute her eyes had shifted past him and toward the crowded floor of the waiting room.
"He's here." She had whispered.
And that had been all Jesse had needed to hear.
He had squeezed her shoulders before making his way back toward their patient and she had instantly felt very alone and very unprepared.
—
They had stared each other down from across the space for a good five minutes before either one of them made a move.
He stepped forward first, his long legs carrying him toward her in a few quick steps.
And he must have seen the tears in her eyes because the next thing she knew he was pulling her into his arms and wrapping her up tight.
The old Leanne would never had allowed such a show of affection from anyone other than Jesse.
Especially not at the hospital.
And especially not here, just outside of Center Stage, where anyone and everyone could see them.
"I've missed you." He whispered against her hair.
She hadn't been able to speak though.
So instead she just wrapped her arms around him and held onto him for dear life.
She certainly had never expected him to show up at Angels that morning.
But she had been overwhelmingly glad that he did.
—
He had hung around the hospital until the end of her shift and then he had gone home with her.
Normally she wouldn't have allowed this man that she hadn't really known all that well into her home, but he had had a glint in his eye when he had told her that he had nowhere to stay.
She may have been a bit old school, but she wasn't a prude.
And she wasn't stupid.
He was as handsome as they came and if his kissing was any indication of how well he handled other things, well, she wouldn't deny herself that pleasure any longer.
—
They hadn't even made it through the front door before he was undoing her blouse.
And the pieces of his uniform had fallen to the floor as they made their way up the stairs and down the hall and into her bedroom.
They had been both been completely naked when they had gently fallen into her bed.
And they had stayed that way for the rest of the day, and night.
And then most of the day after.
He had kissed his way along every part of her body, over every inch of skin, and she had been powerless to stop him.
He had nipped at her gently and paid extra attention to the scars that scattered across her body.
She had been ashamed of those marks ever since her accident.
And she had always worried about what would happen if she had ever let a man see them.
She certainly hadn't expected the reaction that she got from him.
She had never expected someone to love her body.
Not when she wasn't capable of loving it herself.
—
When she had arrived at the hospital that night Jesse had simply raised an eyebrow at her.
She wondered what gave her away.
But it had actually been Rollie who had informed her of the small red mark that was barely visible on her neck.
The blush that had crept over her face had said it all and Rollie and Jesse had spent the next twenty minutes asking her question after question about her mystery man.
"He was a Patient here wasn't here?" Jesse's question had startled her.
She didn't expect him to remember the Colonel.
"No." She had simply stated. "His brother was."
And with that she had walked away and left the two men to wonder just which patient she was referring too.
She and Ethan spent the next two weeks glued to each other's sides.
When she wasn't working she was with him.
And even when she was at the hospital her mind was on him.
She thought about him constantly.
When she had made the decision to walk away from Angels a few weeks later, Jesse had asked her if it was because of Ethan.
He wanted to know if she was leaving to be with him.
She had wanted to tell him that he was part of the equation.
That she had realized that there was more to life than just Trauma One.
Ethan had showed her a different side of life. A different side of herself even.
Instead she had just told Jesse that she needed time.
But what she hadn't told Jesse was that she had woken up nine mornings ago puking her guts out.
And she hadn't told him about the three positive pregnancy tests that were sitting on her bathroom counter.
Ethan had been called away to New York for three weeks.
She had had the place to herself since then.
And when she had seen the two little lines on the small plastic test she hadn't known whether to cry tears of joy or tears of regret.
In hindsight, she had probably cried both.
She had driven to the prison to forgive the man who had killed her family a few days after that.
She had made peace with his mistake and with her loss.
And now, she was ready to move on. To embrace this new life she had been handed.
And when she had gotten home that night she had found Ethan sitting on the front porch swing, a soft look on his face.
"A baby huh?" She had completely forgotten about the tests still on her bathroom counter.
She hadn't wanted to say anything until she knew for sure.
"Looks that way." She had expected him to be mad, furious even, but he wasn't.
Instead he had wrapped her up in his arms and kissed her senseless right there in her front yard.
And that night after they had made love they had talked about all the things they were imagining for their growing family.
She had felt a sense of calm come over that evening when she fell asleep in his arms.
Maybe things were starting to look up after all.
But then they had lost Gina and Malaya had been attacked and suddenly everything was changing.
Ed had made her the new ER director and she had felt something inside of her panic.
She couldn't possibly do this job and raise a child.
Not this time around. Not at her age.
And Ethan was as busy as ever at the Army base in Los Alamitos.
One of them would have to make a change, a big one, and for once, she was okay with it being her.
—
She never got the chance to make a big change though because two days before she had scheduled her meeting with Ed she had started to feel lightheaded while in Center Stage.
And on the way to her office after saving the patient's life she had felt a cramp in her stomach worse than any pain she had ever felt before.
The scream she had let out had gotten the attention of a nearby nurse, who immediately paged Jesse, and the next thing she knew she was being laid on a gurney and wheeled down the hall.
She hadn't even really begun to accept the fact that she was pregnant.
And then all of a sudden, she wasn't.
—
Telling Ethan had been the hardest thing she had ever done in her entire life.
The look of pain and anguish on his face with the words "I lost the baby" had made her break in two.
He had stayed by her side until she had fallen back to sleep, but when she awoke the next morning he was gone.
And when she had gotten home that night his bags had been packed and his bike was gone from the driveway.
She knew right then and there that he had left.
That he had moved on and that he would never come back for her.
There was a reason she didn't seek comfort in others.
Why she kept to herself and locked her emotions away.
Because whenever she did she got hurt.
And she couldn't handle another heartbreak like that.
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