A Different Reason to Cry (AU TFIOS)

by Rileyyz

This is an AU story about how Hazel Grace dies instead of Augustus. It was inspired by a post on tumblr. I have decided to start it right when Hazel goes into the ICU. POV will be both Hazel and Augustus throughout the story. Note that I do quote the book heavily throughout this so it is not all entirely my work. Okay? Okay. (Reviews wanted!)

A Different Reason to Cry

(A short AU story I created to screw with my emotions)

(Important note that I will quote the book sometimes so not all of this is mine)

*Augustus' POV*

I was relaxing in my bed, my ear buds loudly exploding Hectic Glow into my ears. I couldn't help but smile and think about Hazel Grace. Everything about her was perfect, even her imperfections. I thought about her cancer. I didn't consider it a part of her. It was basically the enemy living on the inside. And you couldn't help but give it the power to kill you, unless you kill part of yourself first. I am pretty sure my lost leg could testify of that.

Sometimes I'm afraid it will come back because everyone loves me, especially cancer. Thankfully my check up yesterday said I was all clear still and my next appointment was in 3 months. So I am still okay. For now.

My thoughts were interrupted by my phone buzzing loudly on my nightstand. I looked at my clock and couldn't help be concerned as it read 4:32 a.m. I was bit of an insomniac, but when cancer takes away your time to live, you might as well be awake for the most of it.

I looked at the caller ID and my heart stopped for what seemed like forever. It was Hazel Grace's mother. With shaking fingers, I answered it and raised the phone to my ear.

A shaky voice answered on the other end. "Gus...something is wrong with Hazel. She's in the ICU right now and we don't know what's wrong but-"

"Which hospital? I will be there soon." I cut her off.

She gave me the information and hung up shortly after, starting to sob again. I left a poorly written note to my parents to stay where I was and got in my car and drove above the speed limit all the way there.

I ran into the hospital, well limped very clumsily as fast as I could, breathing heavily when I was in the elevator. I couldn't help but feel trapped with in my own thoughts as crappy elevator music tried to soothe me. I got off on the level for the ICU and the first thing I could hear was the crying. I always hated the ICU.

I searched for Hazel Grace which didn't take long as I saw her parents quietly trying to comfort each other in front of a door to a room. I was quickly hugged by them, their tears staining my shirt and mine on theirs. I don't remember when I started crying.

"Sorry Gus, they won't let us in right now." Her mom said in a hushed tone.

I nodded, understanding. Infection risk. I turned to her dad who was crying still. "Do you know what is wrong?"

They looked at each other for a bit before he answered back. "She woke up screaming with a bad headache, very extreme, most likely from not enough oxygen. They recently did a scan on her and said her lungs were very full and…" Mr. Lancaster paused for a second seeming to be overcome with emotions.

Mrs. Lancaster jumped in shortly for him. "She doesn't have tumor growth but they are staying the same."

I nodded, not phased by Mr. Lancaster's pause. I waited patiently in the uncomfortable waiting room chair, just needing to see a glance or even a word from Hazel Grace. I needed her.

*Hazel's POV ~ Time period jump to when she finds out she is going to Amsterdam*

"What?" I asked again.

"Trip's on," she said finally. "Dr. Maria called us last night and made a convincing case that you need to live your -"

"MOM, I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!" I shouted and she came to the bed and let me hug her.

"But if you don't think you're up for it, we can always reschedule…" Her mom said hesitantly.

I huffed in annoyance. "I am going to go no matter what. Live my life remember?"

Something sparkled in my mom's eyes for a moment but disappeared quickly. "Fine then. Just to be safe though...Dr. Maria recommended more medications...to be safe."

"Sure, I don't care. But what matters is we are going to Amsterdam!" I screamed in delight.

I quickly texted Augustus that the trip was still on and my mom interrupted me as I sent it. "Why don't you call Kaitlyn and go to the mall? I put some money in your car so you could go shopping for some new clothes. I know you will want to look nice during the trip."

"Okay, thanks mom, I will head over right now." I glared at her slightly as she winked at me.

We both laughed and ran up to her and hugged her again, hugging her as tightly as I could. "I love you." I whispered.

"I love you too…" My mom whispered back.

I grabbed my keys off the table and ran out the door to my car, not wondering about the extra medication, or the fact my mom was calling someone.

I didn't notice that she was crying either.

*Augustus' POV*

I can't help get scared every time Mrs. Lancaster calls. Though this time I know Hazel Grace is ok, since she just texted me moments before.

"Hello Mrs. Lancaster!" I said brightly, trying to hide my fear.

"Hi, um Gus, I was wondering if you could come over to my house. We need to talk about Amsterdam. My husband will be there as well." She said sharply, trying to hide something.

I took in a deep breath. Crap. That wasn't good. "Will Hazel Grace be there?"

There was a moment of silence on the other line. "No. I just sent her to the mall."

I tried to keep stead, knowing everything was wrong. She sent her away deliberately, so Hazel Grace couldn't possibly hear anything.

"Gus?"

"I will be there in five minutes."

I hung up and ran to my car, once again speeding to see if my world was crashing down around me.

I parked along the street and waited in my car for a few moments. I was afraid. I know everyone sees me as fearless Gus, but in reality, I was scared because the world is full of possibilities.

Walking up to the door was like the calm before the storm. I could feel the tension. It was like experiencing foreshadowing in a book. It scared me to death.

When I knocked on the door, I could hear people inside chatting viciously, nearly to the point of fighting. It stopped abruptly and I heard someone scurrying to the door. A very exhausted looking Mrs. Lancaster opened up the door. She didn't say anything as she lead me inside. Mr. Lancaster was sitting at the table, concentrating at what seemed like nothing. Silent tears were falling down his face.

"Gus, please, have a seat. There are...some things we need to tell you." She motioned to a chair as she sat by Mr. Lancaster.

There was a long unpleasant silence. No one knew what to say. I didn't want to say anything. I just wanted to know.

Mrs. Lancaster finally started speaking. "Gus...I am sorry to tell you we have lied to you."

I looked at her and could barely talk. "What?"

"That day when she was in the ICU...we lied to you. Her tumors were growing. Very large and fast. Her medications have stopped working and Dr. Maria...said she should live her life like it was her last since they gave her less than 3 months to live. That's is why we are letting her go to Amsterdam, Gus. Hazel is dying."

I was stunned. My vision was starting to blur before me. I gripped the table with both hands, trying not to cry. Then my thoughts turned sour and I was angry. More angry than I have been in my entire life. More angry when I found out I had cancer.

"Have you told Hazel Grace?"

Her parents faces' turned pale instantly, more tears rushing down their faces. I could feel my own streaming down as I blinked them away, needing the answer. They couldn't. She had to know. She would have told me though. Hazel Grace has a fear of leaving a mark on people. Being a grenade. She would be smart enough to stay home from Amsterdam, right? Doctors could do something. They always have some new treatment ready. Maybe she was afraid to tell me. Maybe I was wrong...but something told me I wasn't.

"No...we haven't told her." Mrs. Lancaster sighed.

Don't get me wrong, I loved the Lancasters. I would basically call them my family. There comes a moment though, when no matter how much someone means to you, your emotions still get the best of you.

So I exploded with emotions, and I wasn't the least bit sorry.

"Are you kidding me? Hazel Grace is dying as we speak and you haven't told her? WHAT KIND OF PARENTS DON'T TELL THEIR DAUGHTER SHE IS DYING?" I screamed at the top of my lungs, my tears coming down faster.

"Gus you don't understand! You know how much that would destroy her right now? You haven't seen Hazel these past 3 years as we have. She is extremely depressed. Hazel knows that she is slowly dying, and without knowing, has let it enveloped her! And she knows that depression isn't a part of cancer, it's from dying." Mr. Lancaster half yelled at me, slamming his fists down on the table.

I was silent for a few seconds, trying to comprehend everything. "So why is she happy now all of a sudden?"

Mrs. Lancaster groaned and stood up. "You don't understand Gus! You! You have come into her life and everything about her has changed. It's like a flower blooming again. It is a beautiful thing you have done for her Gus, it truly is. We can't seem to make her happy, but you? I have never seen her so happy in her entire life, even before she got cancer."

"Ok, I really am glad I made her happy again...but I need to know. Why haven't you told her yet?" I was hesitant, trying to wrap around what she had just said but I still needed to know.

Mrs. Lancaster answered slowly. "Because we know how excited she is about the Amsterdam trip. We want her to be happy on it. So why would we tell her she is dying before she goes on the trip of her life? It would ruin the entire thing, Gus."

"Ok, I guess I understand now. Won't she get worse before then though?" I answered numbly.

"She will. We have given her more medication that will try to slow it but the success of that? Slim. It will just give her more time, if at all. Hopefully, she will be healthy enough to go on the trip." Mr. Lancaster whispered, sobbing.

Mrs. Lancaster grabbed my hand and rubbed it while crying. "Gus please, I need you to do something for me."

"What?"

"Help Hazel live the rest of her life...the way she would have always wanted. Give her forever in the short time she has left."

I couldn't help collapse into a heaping mess of tears when she said that.

*Time jump to Peter in Amsterdam, still Augustus' POV*

"YOU PROMISED!" Screamed Hazel Grace, and I couldn't help cringe but I stared at Peter, sending imagine daggers at my once favorite author.

A thought popped into my head and I quickly grabbed Hazel Grace's arm and pulled her out of the house on to the front door step. Tears were threatening to spill from her eyes, making me only madder.

"Wait here." I whispered to her, hugging her tightly, before I stomped back into the house.

I saw Peter sitting in the same chair, looking unphased, and sipping his drink as Lidewij was screaming in the back room in Dutch.

I marched right up to Peter, smacking him across the face. I don't remember that being part of what I was doing. "Do you know what you have done, old man?" I hissed.

"Well I know my assistant needs to still get me another drink and I need another break from annoying teens but other than that no, not really." Peter said calmly, massaging his face.

"You broke Hazel Grace's heart. And you want to know something? She is dying. In a few weeks her body will be laying deep in the ground and you know what she deserves? To be happy. She doesn't even know she is dying! We hid it from her because this is supposed to be the trip of her life. Now look at what you have done, now. Your past? You were an inspiration. Now? You are a drunk man that everyone will forget. I looked up to you. Hazel Grace looked up to you. We are looking down now, old man. What do you have to say for yourself?" I yelled in his face, gagging at the smell of alcohol on his breath.

Peter's pupils grew larger, his mouth opening slightly. "She's dying?"

Furious, I stormed out of the room again. I grabbed Hazel Grace and looked her in the eyes. She looked curious, and I was relieved she didn't hear she was dying.

I hugged her again, wishing I could change everything. "Let's go."

*Time jump to plane ride, still Augustus'*

I stared at Hazel Grace as she stared out of the plane window, admiring the sunset. I couldn't help but sigh. The trip wasn't everything we wanted it to be, but we still had a good time. I could still tell she was upset though. I couldn't bring myself to think of what will happen when her parents tell her that her cancer is winning.

I must have been distracted in my own thoughts for longer than I thought because when I turned to look at Hazel Grace she was sleeping soundly, her head against the window. I listened to her breathing and it sounded very bad. She coughed a lot during the trip and was slower than usually and it killed me to think about her dying. This was a lot more different than Caroline.

I kissed her forehead lightly and watched as she smiled in her sleep and I smiled myself as memories of her smiling flooded my mind.

Suddenly I felt someone tap my shoulders and I looked up to see Mrs. Lancaster motioning to come to her seat where an open seat was next her. I nodded and got up and sat next to her.

"Gus, I need you to do something with me and Mr. Lancaster." She whispered.

It clicked to me the second that she said that and I already knew what she wanted me to do with them.

"You want me to tell her with you guys...don't you?"

"Yes, I think you will be able to calm her down." She said, her eyes pleading that I would say yes.

I sighed, knowing this would tear out of heart, having to tell her she was dying but it had to happen sometimes.

"I will."

She smiled sadly. "Thank you Gus. We were planning right after we get home tomorrow."

Pain struck me and I realized so little time I had left with her. They wanted to tell her right away because no one knew when cancer would decide to take its next victim but it was soon.

We landed a few hours later and I could hardly bring myself to wake Hazel Grace up. She smiled at me and kissed me lightly on the lips.

"Augustus Waters, I love you." She whispered.

My heart cracked a little bit more every time I looked at her, but her words shattered me. "I love you even more."

We got off the plane where Hazel's dad picked us up. I could tell he was uneasy while driving home. He knew what was coming. We all knew what was coming. Expect Hazel Grace.

We walked into the house and immediately Hazel Grace turned to us angrily. "Okay what is going on? You guys have been acting weird since we got off of the plane."

I looked at Hazel Grace's parents and Mr. Lancaster was already fighting back tears.

"Honey maybe you should sit down." Mrs. Lancaster said as she sat down at the table.

I grabbed Hazel Grace's hand, not just to reassure her, but to reassure myself. Hazel Grace faced me, fear screaming through her every motion.

"Augustus...what is going on?" She whispered, her voice quivering.

"We didn't want to tell you till after the trip, honey." Mrs. Lancaster said, not being able to look at Hazel Grace at all.

"JUST TELL ME!" Hazel Grace screamed at us, and I could hear Isaac's wail echoing through her voice again, the same as the time as Peter's.

"Hazel Grace...your cancer is back. The medications aren't working anymore. You cancer will take over in less than a month." I whispered, crying already.

Hazel Grace's body went stiff and I could see that she was trying not to cry hysterically. "How long have you guys known?"

"Since the night at the ICU." Her father sobbed, his head in his hands as Mrs. Lancaster comforted him.

That is when Hazel Grace collapsed in my chest, sobbing hysterically. She looked up at me, her face blotchy and red.

"I told you Augustus, I am a grenade."

*Time jump to few weeks*

Weeks have passed since we have told Hazel Grace she was dying. She has gotten a lot worse since then. And so have I. She has to be in a wheelchair now, any physical activity and she would be passed out on the ground or struggling for air. She has started coughing up weird mucus and it kills me every time. She has started throwing up her food, unable to keep it down.

We have had three emergency hospital trips. Each time the atmosphere gets worse. More people acting sorry or more people trying to comfort us for what was coming. Nothing could ever prepare me for it. Now whenever I am not by her side, I clutch my phone in my hands knowing one of these days a phone call will come for her parents and my world will officially be obliterated. I don't remember the last time I slept.

It was 2:35 a.m. when my phone buzzed on my bed, Hazel Grace's picture popping up on the screen. My heart started breaking as I answered, preparing for the worst once again.

"Hello?" My voice coming out in a squeak.

"Augustus." Hazel Grace's wheezed on the other end of the line, but I couldn't help but sigh in relief that she was still alive.

"Oh thank goodness you are still here. Hazel Grace, I love you so much." I said as fast I could, imagining that she was in the hospital bed about to die and that is why she called me. She slept most of the time these days.

"Augustus, I'm at the gas station. Something is wrong with my oxygen tank. I need you." She started coughing and I couldn't help but wince.

"Wait, what gas station? Where are you?"

"The Speedway at Eighty-sixth and Ditch. I did something with my cannula and I can't fix it and the mucus is bad and-"

I interrupted her. "I am going to call nine-one-one."

"No, they will take me to the hospital. That just means needles, pills, money, and death. Please Augustus. Don't call nine-one-one or my parent, I will never if you do or I don't know I don't know what's happened and there is blood and mucus and I can't breathe because of my stupid cannula just please get here, Augustus. Please. I need you." She was crying hysterically and her breaths were hiccups. This was worse than when we told her she was dying.

"Its going to be okay, Hazel Grace. I am leaving right now." I said as I grabbed my keys and ran out of the house, not caring about leaving a note for my parents.

Hazel Grace was nearly out of time and a note would waste any time she had left. I began to drive and started wondering why was driving at this time of night or why she went to the gas station. It made no sense to me.

I turned into the gas station, where Hazel Grace's car sat lonely in the parking lot. I parked quickly and hopped out of the car and opened her door to see Hazel Grace covered in vomit and mucus, her cannula in a mess in the seat next to her. She was struggling for air, her eyes wild.

"Hazel Grace we need to get you to the hospital, now."

"Just help me now." She whimpered.

I was overwhelmed by the smell of the vomit and mucus as I grabbed her oxygen tank and tubes. Her cannula was full of mucus and there was a tear in the tube. Completely destroyed. Distraught, I felt her forehead and she had a raging fever.

"Well, Hazel Grace, it looks like old Phillip has failed you. It's beyond repair, and you have a severe fever and the amount of mucus is not good…Why are you here anyway?" She never got to answer me before she started coughing again.

"I threw up on my copy of An Imperial Affliction so I went to buy another but I didn't make it even a mile out of my house till I started throwing up and coughing again. I thought I could do it myself."

I rubbed her back and held her hand as she coughed up mucus and liquid all over herself, not having enough energy to not get it on herself. I looked at it closer to see blood was mixed in with it. My body went stiff and at that point I knew this was too much for me to handle.

"I am sorry. I have to." I kissed her forehead and dialed nine-one-one.

"Nine-one-one what is your emergency?"

"Hello, I'm at the Speedway at Eighty-sixth and Ditch, I need an ambulance quick. and my perfect, beautiful Hazel Grace's oxygen tank and cannula are no longer working."

She looked up at me through all the pain, and I broke down once again. It should be me. I should be there dying of cancer. She more to live for than me. Hazel Grace still need to live her life. I couldn't live mine without her. She is my life.

"This is going to be it. I am not even going to be able to read anymore."

"Hazel, it's going to be okay. I love you." I held her hand tighter, trying not to cry.

"Augustus, where is my chance to be somebody's Peter Van Houten?" She hit the steering wheel weakly, the car honking as she cried and coughed. "I hate myself I hate myself I hate this I hate this I disgust myself I hate it I hate it I hate it just let me freaking die already."

Now I fully understand her parents. This was as real as Hazel would ever be. A depressed girl who desperately wanted to not be depressed, coughing and crying, poisoned by cancer and failed by her oxygen tank that kept her alive, but not alive enough.

I wiped her face off of vomit and kissed her, both of us crying.

"This is terrible." She whispered.

"I know."

"Cancer doesn't want to be evil. Cancer just wants to be alive."

"Yeah, but you are going to be okay Hazel. Okay?"

"Okay." She began slipping into unconsciousness.

"Hazel stay with me, okay?"

She murmured something I couldn't comprehend as the gosh dang ambulance screamed right past us.

"It's going to be okay Hazel." I whispered as she struggled to stay awake between coughs.

I couldn't help but wonder if I was going to be okay myself as the ambulance sirens grew louder as they pulled into the parking lot.

"Augustus…" She whispered.

"What?"

She coughed a little bit before continuing. "You...you used to call me Hazel Grace."

And then I realized.

No one was going to be okay.

Hazel got out of the hospital a few days later. They drained her once again and gave her more medications to relieve the pain. In her eyes though you could see her slipping and nothing was relieving her.

I got an idea and decided to go with it. I called Isaac and told him to go the Literal Heart of Jesus at 8 p.m. tonight.

I then called Hazel. I dialed her number and waited for her to pick up.

"Hello, Augustus."

"Hey Hazel, meet us at the Literal Heart of Jesus at 8 tonight. Isaac and I will be there. And I will have an eulogy for you."

"Aren't those for funerals?"

"It's a waste of breath if the person isn't alive to hear it." I whispered.

"Okay. I will be there."

"I love you Hazel, okay?"

"I love you more Augustus Waters, and okay."

I didn't even need to write down the eulogy because I knew the best things came from the heart and a piece of paper? That takes thought. Some heart, but more mind than anything.

I got to the Literal Heart of Jesus around seven forty five and Isaac arrived shortly. Hazel arrived a bit later, having to use the elevator which brought tears to her eyes. Most of these days involved crying for the littlest of reasons.

"Hey, Hazel."

She smiled slightly, but I knew it was fake. "Hi Augustus, hello Isaac."

Isaac waved to her, sadly in the wrong direction. We both couldn't help but smile sadly.

"I thought you should attend your own funeral."

"Seems like it. Would you speak at my funeral, Augustus?" She said quietly, looking me in the eyes.

I choked down the tears as I answered, "Yes."

We all sat down in the circle of chairs in the Literal Heart of Jesus. I limped shakily up to the podium to deliver her eulogy.

"Thank you for coming, I guess...I will start. Um, my name is Augustus. Hazel Grace Lancaster was the great star-crossed love of my life. Ours was an epic love story, and I won't be able to get more than a sentence into it without disappearing into a puddle of tears. Hazel Grace knew, Hazel knows. I will not tell you our love story, because- like all real love stories- it dies with us, as it should. I had hoped that she'd be the one eulogizing me, because there is no one else I'd rather have…" Tears started slipping out as I tried to recover.

I took a few breaths so I could continue. "I would like to talk a bit about Hazel Grace. She is my light. My life. My Peter Van Houten. It was a privilege to get my heart broken my her, but healed again because I know she will always be with me. She once told me that she is a grenade. And she is. But it was the most beautiful grenade every. Both of us would die from it us, yes, but the time before it will explode was and will be the best thing I will experience. The time before our deaths was like an eternity. An infinity. But it wasn't, it was only mere seconds, but some infinities are bigger than other infinities. A writer we used to like taught us that. There are days, many of them, when I resent the size of my unbounded set. I want more numbers than I'm likely to get, and gosh, I want more numbers for Hazel Grace than she's got. But, Hazel, my love, I cannot tell you how thankful I am for our little infinity. I wouldn't trade it for the world. You gave me a forever within the numbered days, and I am grateful...okay?" I was balling at the end of my speech and I stared at her, in all of her beauty, no matter how close to death she was.

"Okay." And Hazel started crying as well.

Hazel died eight days later after the pre funeral. I got the phone call at three thirty in the morning and I have never cried more in my life. Her mom told me she was sorry and we were both crying uncontrollably. My parents tried to comfort me but nothing helped.

Her funeral was a few days later. I did give a speech, but not the same as the one in the Literal Heart of Jesus. This speech was to her family and friends. Not Hazel. Everyone was crying as we went to bury her.

And now here I am holding a handful of dirt about to throw it on top of her casket. I will never seen her dazzling smile anymore. No more late night texts about An Imperial Affliction. I silently threw the dirt and soon the ceremony was over and a headstone was placed above her grave. It read "Hazel Grace Lancaster, 1996 - 2013, Our Grace, Our infinity, Our angel."

I was sobbing next to her grave, I have been for the past few hours. I think Peter visited, but everything seems like an hallucination. I have already purchased the plot next to hers. I plan on being by her side shortly. I shoved my hands in my pockets and thought about the first time I met her, and how she got mad at me for my cigarettes, saying how the would kill me.

But maybe now I wanted that. No more metaphors. No more Hazel.

I noticed I was holding the packet in my hand. And I realized, people smoke to die. And I realized, I still have the lighter in my left pocket. I told myself one day I would light one. I don't know why, but I knew one day I would. I said that two years ago.

I fumbled to get a cigarette into my mouth. I grabbed the lighter, praying it would work after all of these years. I clicked it and a spark of life rose up out of it. My way out. I knew Hazel wouldn't seen it as a hamartia anymore.

So I raised the flame to my cigarette.

And lit it.