1 The Thoughts of Vegeta
By Elbereth in April
Copyright 2002
Disclaimer: I do not own Dragonball Z. It owns me.
Note: Please review so I will have a reason to go on living.
Chapter One
Bulma just told me she loved me. Well, she shouted it, actually, and then she stood there, waiting for my reaction.
And I had none. I had absolutely nothing to give her. I wanted to. Ah, I so want to feel something for her. I've started a new life, right? I'm a new man. I could drop some of my—admittedly—alien concepts and embrace—love. Kakkarot has. But I can't. I've looked inside me and there's nothing there.
_____________________ ____________________
I think I may be going insane. Thoughts and images keep whipping back and forth in my mind. I go to train, and I can't even concentrate. I ended up getting sucker-punched when I sparred with Kakkarot yesterday. Obviously, that isn't like me. Do you know how long it's been since I've allowed myself to think, period? To feel—anything?
I'm in trouble. Serious trouble.
I have to leave Earth for awhile. I need to get my head straight. Bulma, I'd be sorry if I could feel pain for you.
And yet… pain is the only thing left that I do know how to feel.
_________________ _________________ _____________
I've always known I'm nothing. I was a hostage, not a Prince. Never strong enough to beat Frieza. Not good enough to best Kakkarot. I couldn't save my planet from destruction. I couldn't save my mother from dying. I should have perished with my planet. It was my responsibility to be there. There is nothing left of my race—Kakkarot does not count. I am useless.
I always have the same nightmare, when I dream. I feel the death of my planet. I go to Frieza to kill him then and there. And he laughs at me. I can see his face. I can hear him laugh. Then he beats me til I'm mostly dead. And then… I shudder back from it, but I can't stop the dream.
No. My nightmare is always of the first time Frieza raped me.
_______________________ ______________________
I try to remember my mother. Sometimes I can hear a voice singing about war and glorious death. I think it's her voice. She had the deepest eyes. I'd never seen anyone who reminded me of her til I met Bulma.
I wish I could remember my mother.
_____________________ _______________________
Father gave me as a hostage reluctantly, I think. But he still gave me. Maybe he had no choice. I was so young. There was a lot going on that I didn't understand. I feel guilty that I've never forgiven him.
__________________ _______________________
Do you know how much it hurts not to be able to save your people? I should have done something—somehow! But I didn't even know it was happening until it was too late. I vowed I would kill Frieza. But I couldn't. I never could. How I hate Kakkarot sometimes.
___________________ _______________________
I had a friend once. Another hostage named Sarain. Frieza killed him eventually—sparring. He claimed it was an accident, but I know otherwise. He never let any of his servants get too close to one another. I learned to stop feeling under Frieza. It was easier. And when you did feel—anything—you hid it. You had to.
_____________________ __________________
Frieza took great delight in trying to break us. It was his hobby. I was his favorite toy, I think, because no matter what he did, I refused to let go of my pride. No matter how much he humiliated me—and he did—no matter how much he and his men beat me—and they did—I never gave them the satisfaction of showing breakage. On the inside, it was different. Until I learned to pretend it wasn't happening to me, and that I wasn't feeling any pain. I refused to let them know—I refused to break. I am a Prince. They said I was arrogant. But pride was all I had. It was the only thing I had. And if I knew, deep down, that I was useless, that I was nothing—I would have died before I admitted it. I would have died.
_______________________ __________________
If I hadn't been a good fighter, I wouldn't have survived. If I hadn't been strong. I determined I would get strong enough to avenge myself on Frieza. I would take him down someday. I would beat him. For the time being, I took his orders. And blowing up planets—that was just practice. Everything I did, to make me strong enough to take him down.
Now he's dead, there's nothing left in me. There's nothing to live for.
____________________ ___________________
I'm adrift. I'm so lost. I don't understand this planet, or its people. I don't understand Kakkarot, who smiles that dopey smile and acts as if he actually likes me, who turns Super-Saiyan without realizing it's something sacred. Who certainly never treats me like his rightful Prince. I keep doing all these things that turn out to be culturally wrong. And I don't even know why I care. I was going to reduce this planet to rubble. I still could. But then where would I live? I have nowhere else to go. At least here I have one goal to live for. To defeat Kakkarot. A pathetic quest, really. But I have to have a goal. And a subject, even if he doesn't acknowledge it. Why be a Prince, otherwise?
I could make this home. I could settle down. I could become… weak.
________________ ___________________
Love makes you weak. My father told me that. Oh, Saiyans mated and all—but if you really loved, you lost focus. You stopped training, you forgot your goal: to be strong. We are a warrior race.
Frieza just reinforced it. You love someone, you would be hurt by it. Frieza would kill him, or somebody else would. Or he would turn on you, to curry favor. Lishing did that to me. My second, cautious, secretive attempt at a friend. The next person who tried to make friends with me after that, I sent him to the next dimension. Why'd I do that?
I think I'm permanently messed up.
_____________________ _____________________
The second time Frieza raped me, I was 14, and he had beaten me sparring first. The reason we were sparring was punishment for my letting a kid go. I was supposed to wipe out everybody on this space outpost—this base orbiting Planet Camat. I was doing it, too, Nappa a shadow at my heels, until I reached the lowest level. It was dark, and I sent a ki flare up to the ceiling for light. And the ceiling was this abstract of color—this mural painting—so beautiful. Nothing but colors, but it took my breath away. We weren't big on aesthetic appreciation on Planet Vegeta. And the floor was a mural, too, of land, water, and sky. It was, in fact, still being painted. And cowering in the corner, covered in paint, was a little girl.
"Did you paint this yourself?" I asked her.
She nodded, eyes huge.
"How old are you?" She said she was 8. Nappa was urging me to kill her. And I couldn't do it. That was my last trace of… weak emotion.
"Can you land an escape pod?" I asked her. She nodded. And I let her go.
Lishing told Frieza.
So Frieza broke nearly every bone in my body. He called me a weakling, and told me I'd never defeat anybody, especially him, and…oh, lots more he taunted me with. Before he raped me.
But they never caught the girl. And I killed Lishing.
________________ __________________________
Loneliness is always there. It would be a constant aching if I let myself feel the ache. How do you describe yourself, Vegeta?—I'm an empty void. What if I ever said that out loud? What would happen?
"I know you, Vegeta," Bulma said. "I love you."
How do you describe yourself, Vegeta? "I'm the Prince of all Saiyans, and I don't feel love."
_______________ _____________________
I wish I could remember my mother. Did she love me? My father didn't. How I hate him.
Why did I kill Nappa? It wasn't the smart thing to do. Why did I give in to Frieza so many times? Was it fear?
_____________________ ______________________
The third time Frieza raped me was right before we left to go to Earth, to find the dragonballs. He was trying to make me afraid. "You see, you weak worm," he hissed, when he had me helpless on the ground, "monkey that you are. You are nothing. I am everything. I am power. I am destiny. I am your master. So don't get any funny ideas about using these dragonballs yourself, eh? They're mine."
And Nappa watched.
That made him the only one that knew.
I think that's why I killed him. Some secrets you don't want anybody to know.
___________________ __________________
So here I am in a new phase of my life. Earth. This sucks. At least with Frieza I could get away and pretend to be independent. When I was out destroying planets, I at least felt powerful. Like a real Prince. What a rush.
But I'm not supposed to be doing that anymore. I'm supposed to be "civilized." It's an alien concept.
But I'm working on fitting in. On blending in. I'm getting used to having no real power and no real purpose. Except to train. There's my power. Then I'm the strongest being in the universe. Literally. Kakkarot doesn't count.
Kakkarot. I will beat him some day.
And Bulma. What do I do about Bulma?
If I let myself, I could trust her. I just don't dare.
___________________ ______________
When I went to bed last night, Bulma was the last thing I thought of before I fell asleep. And when I woke up this morning, she was what was on my mind.
That's not good.
I find myself thinking of Capsule Corp. as home in my thoughts.
In short, I'm scared. I'm really scared. If I'm not careful, I could end up clinging to things. To people. Then what would I do when I inevitably lose them?
______________ ____________ ___________
I'm sitting on some asteroid I've named Mayor Major. I'm supposed to be training, but instead I'm thinking again.
Bulma.
I miss her. I miss living in the same house as her. I miss being part of… well, a family. I certainly never thought that would ever happen.
Am I capable of love?
Can I love her? Do I already?
How did this happen?
I'd never had anyone be nice to me til I started living on Earth. I'd never had anyone love me til Bulma did (except my mother. I think. If I could remember).
Would it make me weak, to settle down? I could make her my mate.
Do I actually feel happy at that thought? Scared, yes, terrified, really, but a little happy, too?
I could mate with her without actually trusting her. If I loved her, no one would need to know. If I was weak, I would not need to appear so.
Is that right, to do that to her?
But she already loves me, without anything from me.
I know I could never see her with anyone else.
I have to go back, to tell her. To make her mine.
By Elbereth in April
Copyright 2002
Disclaimer: I do not own Dragonball Z. It owns me.
Note: Please review so I will have a reason to go on living.
Chapter One
Bulma just told me she loved me. Well, she shouted it, actually, and then she stood there, waiting for my reaction.
And I had none. I had absolutely nothing to give her. I wanted to. Ah, I so want to feel something for her. I've started a new life, right? I'm a new man. I could drop some of my—admittedly—alien concepts and embrace—love. Kakkarot has. But I can't. I've looked inside me and there's nothing there.
_____________________ ____________________
I think I may be going insane. Thoughts and images keep whipping back and forth in my mind. I go to train, and I can't even concentrate. I ended up getting sucker-punched when I sparred with Kakkarot yesterday. Obviously, that isn't like me. Do you know how long it's been since I've allowed myself to think, period? To feel—anything?
I'm in trouble. Serious trouble.
I have to leave Earth for awhile. I need to get my head straight. Bulma, I'd be sorry if I could feel pain for you.
And yet… pain is the only thing left that I do know how to feel.
_________________ _________________ _____________
I've always known I'm nothing. I was a hostage, not a Prince. Never strong enough to beat Frieza. Not good enough to best Kakkarot. I couldn't save my planet from destruction. I couldn't save my mother from dying. I should have perished with my planet. It was my responsibility to be there. There is nothing left of my race—Kakkarot does not count. I am useless.
I always have the same nightmare, when I dream. I feel the death of my planet. I go to Frieza to kill him then and there. And he laughs at me. I can see his face. I can hear him laugh. Then he beats me til I'm mostly dead. And then… I shudder back from it, but I can't stop the dream.
No. My nightmare is always of the first time Frieza raped me.
_______________________ ______________________
I try to remember my mother. Sometimes I can hear a voice singing about war and glorious death. I think it's her voice. She had the deepest eyes. I'd never seen anyone who reminded me of her til I met Bulma.
I wish I could remember my mother.
_____________________ _______________________
Father gave me as a hostage reluctantly, I think. But he still gave me. Maybe he had no choice. I was so young. There was a lot going on that I didn't understand. I feel guilty that I've never forgiven him.
__________________ _______________________
Do you know how much it hurts not to be able to save your people? I should have done something—somehow! But I didn't even know it was happening until it was too late. I vowed I would kill Frieza. But I couldn't. I never could. How I hate Kakkarot sometimes.
___________________ _______________________
I had a friend once. Another hostage named Sarain. Frieza killed him eventually—sparring. He claimed it was an accident, but I know otherwise. He never let any of his servants get too close to one another. I learned to stop feeling under Frieza. It was easier. And when you did feel—anything—you hid it. You had to.
_____________________ __________________
Frieza took great delight in trying to break us. It was his hobby. I was his favorite toy, I think, because no matter what he did, I refused to let go of my pride. No matter how much he humiliated me—and he did—no matter how much he and his men beat me—and they did—I never gave them the satisfaction of showing breakage. On the inside, it was different. Until I learned to pretend it wasn't happening to me, and that I wasn't feeling any pain. I refused to let them know—I refused to break. I am a Prince. They said I was arrogant. But pride was all I had. It was the only thing I had. And if I knew, deep down, that I was useless, that I was nothing—I would have died before I admitted it. I would have died.
_______________________ __________________
If I hadn't been a good fighter, I wouldn't have survived. If I hadn't been strong. I determined I would get strong enough to avenge myself on Frieza. I would take him down someday. I would beat him. For the time being, I took his orders. And blowing up planets—that was just practice. Everything I did, to make me strong enough to take him down.
Now he's dead, there's nothing left in me. There's nothing to live for.
____________________ ___________________
I'm adrift. I'm so lost. I don't understand this planet, or its people. I don't understand Kakkarot, who smiles that dopey smile and acts as if he actually likes me, who turns Super-Saiyan without realizing it's something sacred. Who certainly never treats me like his rightful Prince. I keep doing all these things that turn out to be culturally wrong. And I don't even know why I care. I was going to reduce this planet to rubble. I still could. But then where would I live? I have nowhere else to go. At least here I have one goal to live for. To defeat Kakkarot. A pathetic quest, really. But I have to have a goal. And a subject, even if he doesn't acknowledge it. Why be a Prince, otherwise?
I could make this home. I could settle down. I could become… weak.
________________ ___________________
Love makes you weak. My father told me that. Oh, Saiyans mated and all—but if you really loved, you lost focus. You stopped training, you forgot your goal: to be strong. We are a warrior race.
Frieza just reinforced it. You love someone, you would be hurt by it. Frieza would kill him, or somebody else would. Or he would turn on you, to curry favor. Lishing did that to me. My second, cautious, secretive attempt at a friend. The next person who tried to make friends with me after that, I sent him to the next dimension. Why'd I do that?
I think I'm permanently messed up.
_____________________ _____________________
The second time Frieza raped me, I was 14, and he had beaten me sparring first. The reason we were sparring was punishment for my letting a kid go. I was supposed to wipe out everybody on this space outpost—this base orbiting Planet Camat. I was doing it, too, Nappa a shadow at my heels, until I reached the lowest level. It was dark, and I sent a ki flare up to the ceiling for light. And the ceiling was this abstract of color—this mural painting—so beautiful. Nothing but colors, but it took my breath away. We weren't big on aesthetic appreciation on Planet Vegeta. And the floor was a mural, too, of land, water, and sky. It was, in fact, still being painted. And cowering in the corner, covered in paint, was a little girl.
"Did you paint this yourself?" I asked her.
She nodded, eyes huge.
"How old are you?" She said she was 8. Nappa was urging me to kill her. And I couldn't do it. That was my last trace of… weak emotion.
"Can you land an escape pod?" I asked her. She nodded. And I let her go.
Lishing told Frieza.
So Frieza broke nearly every bone in my body. He called me a weakling, and told me I'd never defeat anybody, especially him, and…oh, lots more he taunted me with. Before he raped me.
But they never caught the girl. And I killed Lishing.
________________ __________________________
Loneliness is always there. It would be a constant aching if I let myself feel the ache. How do you describe yourself, Vegeta?—I'm an empty void. What if I ever said that out loud? What would happen?
"I know you, Vegeta," Bulma said. "I love you."
How do you describe yourself, Vegeta? "I'm the Prince of all Saiyans, and I don't feel love."
_______________ _____________________
I wish I could remember my mother. Did she love me? My father didn't. How I hate him.
Why did I kill Nappa? It wasn't the smart thing to do. Why did I give in to Frieza so many times? Was it fear?
_____________________ ______________________
The third time Frieza raped me was right before we left to go to Earth, to find the dragonballs. He was trying to make me afraid. "You see, you weak worm," he hissed, when he had me helpless on the ground, "monkey that you are. You are nothing. I am everything. I am power. I am destiny. I am your master. So don't get any funny ideas about using these dragonballs yourself, eh? They're mine."
And Nappa watched.
That made him the only one that knew.
I think that's why I killed him. Some secrets you don't want anybody to know.
___________________ __________________
So here I am in a new phase of my life. Earth. This sucks. At least with Frieza I could get away and pretend to be independent. When I was out destroying planets, I at least felt powerful. Like a real Prince. What a rush.
But I'm not supposed to be doing that anymore. I'm supposed to be "civilized." It's an alien concept.
But I'm working on fitting in. On blending in. I'm getting used to having no real power and no real purpose. Except to train. There's my power. Then I'm the strongest being in the universe. Literally. Kakkarot doesn't count.
Kakkarot. I will beat him some day.
And Bulma. What do I do about Bulma?
If I let myself, I could trust her. I just don't dare.
___________________ ______________
When I went to bed last night, Bulma was the last thing I thought of before I fell asleep. And when I woke up this morning, she was what was on my mind.
That's not good.
I find myself thinking of Capsule Corp. as home in my thoughts.
In short, I'm scared. I'm really scared. If I'm not careful, I could end up clinging to things. To people. Then what would I do when I inevitably lose them?
______________ ____________ ___________
I'm sitting on some asteroid I've named Mayor Major. I'm supposed to be training, but instead I'm thinking again.
Bulma.
I miss her. I miss living in the same house as her. I miss being part of… well, a family. I certainly never thought that would ever happen.
Am I capable of love?
Can I love her? Do I already?
How did this happen?
I'd never had anyone be nice to me til I started living on Earth. I'd never had anyone love me til Bulma did (except my mother. I think. If I could remember).
Would it make me weak, to settle down? I could make her my mate.
Do I actually feel happy at that thought? Scared, yes, terrified, really, but a little happy, too?
I could mate with her without actually trusting her. If I loved her, no one would need to know. If I was weak, I would not need to appear so.
Is that right, to do that to her?
But she already loves me, without anything from me.
I know I could never see her with anyone else.
I have to go back, to tell her. To make her mine.