Her Sand Ran Out
By: Rhuben
Summary-Shay and Clarke talk when he visits Firehouse 51 after Jones' death. [ONE SHOT] [Set during, "A Heavy Weight"]
Disclaimer: Two lines (How does someone like Jones, who's so driven and so determined give up on herself, and Get to know me already) were used in the show. I do not own them, the writers of the episode, "A Heavy Weight" do. Nor do I own Chicago Fire.
Leslie Shay kicked her legs back and forth through the air. She peered across the room at Jeff Clarke as he leaned against the whiteboard of the meeting room. He was staring back at her, a curious look on his face, silently wondering why she had asked him to talk.
"So you made Lieutenant," she said, breaking the silence, nodding her head in the direction of his coat. "Congratulations. I didn't know you even took the test."
Clarke gave her a pointed look. "I don't tell people about myself, you know that," he replied, his lips twitching up into a half smile. He then lifted his hand and ran his index finger and thumb down the sides of his mouth, until they touched. "Are you ok?"
"Yeah, yeah," she immediately replied, repeatedly nodding her head. "Yeah, I'm fine." Clarke's eyes slowly narrowed. "And…I'm worried about Dawson, and I wonder how she…uh, how Jones got to that point…to think that the only solution was…to do that."
"Really?" Clarke asked, his eyebrows shooting up. He cleared his throat, sliding his hands into his pants pockets. "Her sand must've run out."
Shay let out a heavy sigh, her shoulders slumping. "The sand," she repeated.
"Mhm," Clarke agreed, nodding his head.
Silence fell over the two of them and Shay slowly slid to the floor from the table she was sitting on, reaching up to adjust her ponytail. "Um, Dawson and I were talking earlier, and uh…Jones had left a note for her. It's really shaken her up, man. I mean, just today she had asked, 'How does someone like Jones, who's so driven and so determined give up on herself'?"
Clarke made a clicking sound with his tongue. "And what'd you say?" he asked.
Shay shrugged her shoulders, shaking her head from side to side. "I said, 'I don't know'," she replied. Clarke's eyebrows shot up, but he didn't say anything. "But…I do know. I guess." Shay let out a heavy sigh, raking her uneven, bitten fingernails, making a mental note to trim them. "I don't know if I would've gone through with it but…I was in a dark place."
"Everything was just going so wrong. I made stupid mistakes, I trusted people I barely knew, and Dawson wasn't around. Or I didn't want her around. I didn't think I could dig myself out of that hole. Honestly, I didn't think she cared. It was like, when I really needed her, she said everything I was thinking, and made it all a reality."
"Shay, Jones has had depression for a long time," Clarke said. "You were just going through a rough patch."
"How do you know that was it?" Shay asked, her voice cracking slightly. "I felt like I was at rock bottom, Clarke. I felt like life was just taking dig after dig at me."
"I understand," Clarke replied. He pressed his lips together for a moment, reaching his hand up to pinch the bridge of his nose. He was silent for a moment before dropping his hand down to his side with a slap. "But, your sand wasn't anywhere near ready to run out, Shay. It wasn't then and it isn't now."
"But—"
"It's like I said," Clarke interrupted her. "We can't second guess our actions about this; there are other factors that factor into this and we might not ever know what exactly what it was that drove her to this point." He scratched the back of his neck. "You could go over everything you've done until your head was about to explode, but…she didn't think there was anything else she could do. But you…you had people who cared about you, who has always had your support. Like I said, I work with Jones's brother and he wasn't too happy with the idea of her becoming a firefighter."
"Neither was her dad," Shay explained. "He wanted her to—"
"Move to PR, I know," Clarke said, putting a hand into the air, nodding his head. "He wanted that for her, too." Shay blinked in surprise. "They're just worried about her; they've been in more fires, they've seen and done it all for years. They just want to protect her. That's the bottom line." He angled his head to the side, peering over at her. "Have you ever tried telling Dawson everything that you were feeling at that time?"
Shay shook her head.
"Mind if I ask why?" he asked.
"Because I feel silly for just allowing things to go that far just because I didn't know how to handle watching…" she trailed off, swallowing thickly. She still couldn't utter Darryl's name. "I didn't know how to ask for help."
"Neither did Jones," Clarke replied. "Neither did Gil and neither did Darryl." Shay squeezed her eyes shut for a brief moment. "Some people don't know how to ask for help and some people will never know how to ask for help. What Jones didn't have was someone who believed in her. But, you did."
Shay could feel tears sting at her eyes. She sucked back a breath of air, using the end of her sleeve to dab at her eyes. She pressed her lips together before using her hands to brush her hair back. Clarke looked as if he was going to move towards her, but stopped.
Shay couldn't help but let out a little laugh. For as long as she had known Clarke, he was always mysterious to her. You didn't really know what it was that he was thinking until he decided to tell you what it was that was on his mind. Even when they were all falsely accusing him of being the snitch of the firehouse, he took it all in stride. He was a great addition to the firehouse, and they all missed him.
"I have to be getting back to 25," Clarke said, breaking the silence with a small clearing of his throat. He looked around the room, a small smile coming to his face. "But, it was great to be back here, even for a little while. Like I said, I was just checking in."
"Thanks for listening," Shay said.
"'Course," Clarke replied. "Just…do me a favor?"
"Sure, anything," Shay replied.
"Be there for Dawson," Clarke replied with a shrug. "She needs you right now; she needs all the support she can get."
"I will," Shay replied. "Dawson and I are tight." She then rolled her eyes, giving him a pointed look, her lips curling up into a smile. "Get to know me, already."
A/N: First off, I love Jeff Hephner's character of Clarke, and I'm upset he's leaving the show. That's not to say that I'm not happy he's gotten his own show to work on. Anyway, seeing him in this episode, I would've liked to have seen at least one more Shay/Clarke moment.
Hope you all liked this.