Beyond Pain
by
Disclaimer: Not mine. Absolutely, positively, not mine.
Author's Note: Anything that I mention, that hasn't happened, can be considered AU. I just needed the story set up like this.
Summary: In an AU-Season 4, Phoebe is mired by tragedy.
Rating: PG (adult subject matter)
I've seen pain.
I've been in pain.
I've felt pain.
This isn't pain.
This is agony. This is soul-deep torture. This is knowing that you were forced to kill your lover, this is knowing that your older sister is dead before you got to tell her so many things. This is knowing that your relationship with your other sister will never be the same.
This isn't pain.
Pain goes away after long enough.
This doesn't.
I know Piper and Prue wouldn't want this. Dad wouldn't want this. I know even Paige wouldn't want this. But it's just too much. Leo will try to save me, I know, but he can't heal the dead, and I don't intend on giving him a chance to get to me while I'm still alive.
This anguish won't go away. I have to do something, have to take my life before I go crazy. And I will go crazy, if I don't stop this circus that is my mind.
I can't breathe, when I think about him.
I can't see, when I think about her.
I can't smile, no matter who I think about.
I can't deal.
Everyone's always seen Phoebe, the screw up. Phoebe, the wild and crazy child in a family full of responsible people. Phoebe, who takes after her dad. Phoebe, who takes risks, and risks other people, and is never afraid of the truth.
I'm not that girl anymore.
Cole's gone. Prue's gone. Grams is gone. There's nobody left, nobody needs me anymore. Dad is getting to know Paige, he doesn't need me. Paige has everybody trying to help her to fit in. Piper has Leo.
She doesn't need me to screw that up, too.
Everything I touch, goes wildly awry. People think I didn't notice, but I did. I may be denial-child, but I'm not stupid.
Dad didn't leave until after I was born.
Cole was a powerful demon who couldn't seem to be killed, until I came along.
Grams raised me, sweated and endured, for me, and I never lived up to her expectations, even the littlest bit.
Cole died, with this look of awful betrayal on his face. His human self knew he was evil, and that Belthazor had to die, but I came to realize, in those last seconds of his life, that even his demon half loved me.
And Belthazor didn't know why he had to die. Evil doesn't know when it's being evil.
I didn't just betray Cole. I betrayed two people who loved me.
And what about Prue? I didn't save her. Maybe I couldn't. But she's saved me so many times, and I didn't save her when she needed me.
I wasn't there for her.
Again.
That's the last time, though. People who count on me, get hurt. I'm going to make it so that they won't count on me. I won't be the net that looks whole, but really has a fatal flaw. I won't.
I love you, Piper.
I love you, Leo.
I love you, Dad.
I'm sorry I won't get to know you, Paige.
I'm coming home, Prue.
I won't screw this up, Grams.
Good-bye, world.