Learn to live with it.
Ch 1
I don't remember how everything had happened in that one minute. My heart had stopped; my cry choked mid way, my hand reached out to someone who would never come back. The worst minute of my life that I can't help but revisit every second or to say it right my time had stopped then and I still live in that minute of my life. That minute of 8 months back…
I don't remember everything that happened nor do I remember the exact sequence. But I remember his last words as if he were still whispering them in my ears and after that I am quite blank on what happened or should I say what is happening, the only other thing that I remember as vividly is the look of purest hatred that I had earned from Kira. Or maybe that is only because he still gives me the exact same look every time he looks at me which by some miracle is very rare.
My alarm beeped and woke me from my reverie as it glowed showing 6 am. Another day of school. I sighed. I have become so numb, so immune to what happens around me. At least now people ignore me, finally having stopped giving me sympathetic looks and patting my shoulders every time they pass by. They have moved on and in time they will forget what I never can. Once again I let myself drown in memories.
"LACUS HONEY YOU ARE GOING TO BE LATE" my mom yelled from below the stairways, pulling me back into the present.
"Yes mom" I called back, as I finally dragged myself out of my bed. 15 minutes is all it took for me to get ready. Sure I would have liked to shower for longer, not that anything gave me pleasure or comfort anymore but it would have certainly meant a chance to drown in my bath tub or something but then my mom could read me too well by now. It worries her if I shower for longer than 5 minutes so well I don't really want to put her into tighter spots than she already has to live in. It already bothers her that I decided to stay put and not switch schools and try to start a new life. Then again of course I would not want to move on. Athrun was the sweetest boy I have ever known and leaving that part of me behind was like tearing out a part of my soul, myself and throwing it away and then trying to start over as half the person I once was. I treasure the memories that this place holds. The pain that stabs my heart, the tears that sting my eyes every time I think of them are proof of my love for him. The powerful urge to die and join him in heaven and try to beg his forgiveness that occurs every time I stand before his grave is the only exquisite pleasure that I have. I don't want that taken away in some lame attempt at living again. So here I am sitting in the car in my now usual black dress waiting for my mom to finish her breakfast. It's kind of exasperating how she never does stop hoping that if she waits for me I might actually join her for breakfast instead of skipping it. I mean I don't know when she is going to learn that I am not prepared to eat anything more than what is essential for my survival. She should be glad I am living, in a way I think she is after all we both know that this useless life I am leading is for her. I started as I suddenly heard the car door shut and the engine purr to life. Mom handed me the flowers, with the ever gentle smile and a kind "here you go honey". She never fails to pick them up for me. Then we made the daily stop at the grave yard. As usual she waited in the car trying to give me some privacy which too is kind of exasperating as she is the one who has to practically lift me from where I had broken down which usually is not farther than a 25cm radius from where he lay. I walked the familiar path down the already worn and treaded grass and knelt before a simple tomb stone, the daisies dropped from my hand as tears raced it to the ground.
I don't know how long I have been here but today my mom didn't come to try and console me. May be she has finally given up on me. Maybe not .But the usual urge to die was over powering and I had to do something. I pulled out the pen knife sneaked away inside the sleeves of my black full hand. Self inflicting, though never helpful was a slight relief. Just to watch the blood trickle down my wrist and knowing that I was nearing death with every cut deeper than the last was a strange solace. As I pressed the cool metal to my hand and slid it across, I felt some one pull me up none too gently and snatch it away. The next thing I knew I had been slapped tightly across my cheek. I staggered two steps and fell down hard. Tears flowed faster and I looked up to see Kira glaring down at me. It was more venomous and filled with loathe greater than anything that I could have ever imagined. Of course it's not much of a surprise; I personally think he hates me more each passing day. After all he still blames me for athrun's death, and he has every right to do so. He is the only person who like me comes here twice every day and the only one save me who is till date caught in that minute. Perhaps he suffered more than me for he risked his own life to try save his best friend and woke up in the hospital a month later only to learn that his effort had been useless. Ironically we had both been in the same hospital trying to recover from what we both know we can never be cured off, for though he is physically fit as ever, the scars in his heart can never heal. Just like mine, for time cannot erase our pain. . . . . .
"Can you hear me?" he asked roughly
"Wh- what?" I stammered as I was once again brought back to reality
"I said not here" he hissed at me. no pity, no mercy, nothing but hatred in his eyes. I looked at him confused, not understanding what he had just said.
"This" he said tossing the pen knife back at me "don't you dare do it here again. go die somewhere else" he said, then kneeling down and placing the flowers he had brought lovingly on the cold stone, he whispered "I will be back soon" as if his friend was still there. Straightening up, he walked away showing no signs at all of a shattered heart as I watched still stunned and still crying.