Title: Kodomo no Gundam
Author: Jupiter Strahan
Pairings: eventual 1+2
Rating: PG
Warnings: fluff, humor, silliness, shonen ai.
Archived at:
http://www.wuffie.net
http://www.fanfiction.net
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Note: No, this isn't REALLY a gender-switching fic. You'll just have to get through a little bit before I begin to refer to Duo in the masculine tense. There's a reason for it, I swear!
Note: Nataku will be popping up out of nowhere to give a commentary throughout this fic, get used to it.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
'blah' = character's (usually Duo's) thoughts.
Kodomo no Gundam:
Part 1A: I'm a Junior High School Student with a pimp!
The sun shone brightly down upon Tokyo, the birds chirping happily as the morning sun rose steadily into the sky.
Somewhere in the city, an alarm clock went off. It wasn't the annoying kind of clock that goes "beep, beep, beep," when the designated time arrives; no, this one was a very special clock. It plays a lovely little mambo tune that makes you want to jiggle your boo-tay. Oh yeah, shake it!
Now, this alarm clock with the lovely mambo wasn't just anywhere in the city, it was in a mansion. and not just any mansion. It was the home of a a famous writer and a young girl. This alarm just happened to be going off at the bedside of said girl. And said girl was sleeping right through it.
Atop the clock, which read 8:30, was a pig. Not just any pig, mind you, but a dancing pig. A dancing pig in a purple bikini top and a string skirt. Needless to say, it was plastic. And it was dancing.
Ever so slowly, the young girl opened her eyes, and looked at the alarm. 'Eight...Thir...ty. Huh.' The eyes closed once again, and drifted back to a state of dreaming. The dancing pig on the clock noticed this, of course, and began to dance harder, the little purple bells of it's skirt shaking wildly. Its job was to wake the girl every morning, if he failed... well, Piggie didn't want to think about that. It couldn't think anyway. It was plastic.
Did the young girl awaken? Don't be silly. Why wake up when having such a nice dream? In fact, right now in the dream there's this big red flag waving.... and it says "8:30" on it in big, white print. Who was carrying the flag, anyway? Hmm... it seemed to be the girl! and she was running with the flag! Wait, no... she's not running anymore... she's standing on a big, green mountain, holding the flag! "Yahoooooi!" She says! And she listens for the echo... here it comes... "Schooool!"
The girl practically flew out of bed and stared at the clock. The plastic piggy was very happy to see this, and quit dancing, instead attemping to catch its breath. Well, sort of. Inanimate objects don't breathe.
She grabbed the clock, and cried "Augh! NO! It's 8:30!"
Name: Duo Maxwell. Age: 14 years old.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
"Mama! Why didn't you wake me up earlier!?" Duo cried to the squirrel, which sat happily in the cherry tree cracking open a walnut.... on Mama's head. "Five minutes, even! You could have at least done that!"
Ignoring Duo's outburst, and continuing to browse through the morning news, Mama merely answered, "If you sleep well, you grow well. If you oversleep, you'll grow more."
"--Now I'm late for school and everything!" Duo kept talking, as though Mama hadn't responded at all.
Whe Duo finally quit shouting, Mama lowered the newspaper the reveal long platinum blonde hair, and sharp blue eyes. "Good morning, Duo--" She looked around. Duo was nowhere in sight. "...You're gone."
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Duo rushed through brushing and braiding her hair, and hastily threw on a blue sweater and skirt before dashing out of the bathroom and down the hall, passing the maid, J. " 'Morning Shimura-san!" (I bet you didn't know J's first name was Shimura! Well, maybe it's not, but you'll just have to deal with it!)
Duo thought aloud as her ran down the hallway, with Mama passing her in a little red car. along the way. "I wonder why I oversleep evey morning?" She was so absorbed in her thoughts that he didn't notice Mama had stopped in front of her, nor the large red mallet that Mama held. However, she did notice when said mallet mad contact with her forehead.
Mama dragged ---or rather drove--- Sana back the way she'd come, and into the kitchen.
"Mama, I'm already late, even if I leave now I'll be marked tardy so PLEASE let me leave NOW!"
"I don't care whether you're tardy or not, but I'm not nice enough to let you go without eating your breakfast."
Duo sat dejectedly in her chair, gazing at the table and at the food it held. She ground out, "I-ta-da-ki-ma-su." before attacking the spread before her with a ferocity that even a half-starved wolf would admire.
"You don't have to hurry," Mama said, brushing a speck of dust off her pink and yellow kimono. "School isn't going anywhere."
Duo held up his now cleaned plate, cheeks bulging from food she hadn't had time to swallow.
"You may go."
Duo went.
Halfway down the hall, she nearly ran into Trowa, looking meticulously professional in a gray suit and sunglasses. "Good morning, Duo- chan. Nice weather, huh?"
Duo swallowed enough food to speak without spewing food everywhere, though her cheeks still bulged. "Good morning, Trowa-kun." She stopped and swallowed the rest before shouting "I'm in really deep trouble because I woke up and looked at teh clock and it was already 8:30 so I got up and got dressed and did my hair and brushed my teeth and I was all ready to go and then Mama stopped me and made me eat my breakfast and now I'm even later!" in one breath.
Don't bother trying to figure out how she did that in one breath. Strong lungs, maybe?
"I'll drive you to school." Trowa said, totally unphased.
Duo looked up at him for a second before jumping up to deliver a patented Duo Glomp. Well, it's not exactly patented yet, we're still going through the paper work. Anyway....
"Trowa-kun! You're the nicest guy in the world! Love ya, Love ya, Love ya, Love ya!"
'This handsome young man is my boyfriend and my pimp!'
"Let's go, Trowa-kun! Mama, I'm going to school now!"
Mama drove past in her little red car once again. "Drive safely but recklessly!" Mama called after them as they headed out the door.
'That's my Mama, Zechs Merquise. He's a famous writer and Aoki award winner!'
* * * * * * * * * * * * *
They pulled out of the garage very slowly. Then they very slowly pulled onto the street. Once on the street, they drove very slowly.
"Trowa-kun! You're going so slow! You're going *really* slow! I could WALK faster than this!" Duo cried as people passed them on the sidewalk.
Nataku: *sitting on passing man's shoulder* You're going to be late...
"Hurry up, hurry up, hurry up, hurry up--"
"It's my duty to get you safely to school." Rei, still unphased by the spastic Duo riding shotgun, replied.
Duo immediately calmed, and looked at Trowa with awe. "Oh, Trowa- kun!"
Nataku: *sitting on a passing child's shoulder* Hey, kindergarteners are passing you...
As quickly as the calm came, it went, right out the car window. Duo tackled Trowa, and the car went wild, bouncing and spinning over old ladies with canes and around small children who didn't have the common sense to get out of the way.
Upon arriving at the school, Duo stepped out of the car, giving her thanks to Trowa for the ride.
Trowa, breathless and relieved that they had survived the trip there, panted, "No problem... just doing my job."
Just before Duo stepped on to school grounds, Trowa stopped her. "Oh, Duo-chan, about today, I'm sure you remember this but there's a live broadcast of Kodomo no Omocha today after school, so I'll pick you up then."
"Okay!" Duo leaned in the car window to plant a kiss on Trowa's cheek.
Nataku: *blows a whistle and freezes the scene* Right, Right, now let me explain something to you. Back when Duo was little, Zechs-- er, I mean, Mama, made Duo join a theatrical company called "Komawari." Things progressed and now she is a very popular young actress, starring in a hit TV show called "Kodomo no Omocha," aka "Kodocha,"or "Child's Toy." You see, Duo is actually a boy, but due to unexplainable reasons, he can't let the public know his true gender or he'll be ruined. In order to keep this secret, he dresses rather femininely. Luckily, because he's been doing it all his life, Duo has no problem keeping everything quiet - his smiling, cheerful personality keeps people from even thinking otherwise. *turns and notices Duo still kissing Trowa* Hey! You two cut it out! Quit that!!
* * * * * * * * * * * *
Duo reached class 8:3 in record time. 'It was all fine until now...' He reached for the door hesitantly, 'but a few weeks ago we changed classes. Now this class *really* has some problems.'
Opening the door revealed a swarm of laughing, running boys, broomsticks, and soccer balls, not to mention desks and chairs flying about the room. 'See what I mean?'
"Please stop! Stop it everyone!" begged the teacher, Noin. "Put those desk back into their rows! Class is supposed to have started already!"
Duo made his way into the room, careful of flying furnature. 'The boys started teasing the teacher, and they're getting worse and worse every day.'
Noin burst into tears and covered her face with her hands. A few of the girls gathered around her, trying to comfort her.
'Geez, she's crying again. How can such a crybaby expect to be a teacher?'
Soon one of the girls noticed him. "Duo-chan! It's happening again and it's getting worse! Have you seen how far behind we are in the lessons?"
Duo turned to glare at one of the boys. This one, rather than run around and wreak havoc on the class, instead sat in the windowsill with his feet on one of the desks, listening to a set of earphones. 'Heero Yuy. This is the guy who started it all and is controlling all these thugs. He's a demon... a *devil*.'
"Okay, where's my desk." He started making his way through the mess of books and chairs, finally identifying his own, which had "Duo" scratched into the side, along with a doodle of Nataku. As luck would have it, it wasn't one of the desked pushed up against the wall or overturned on the floor. No, of all the desks in the room, Duo's happened to be the one that Heero Yuy's feet were upon. Oh, fate was simply cruel.
Duo sneered at him. "Oh, Good morning, Heero. Boy, you look like you ate some rotten fruit, but that seems to be normal for you. You might as well be wearing one of those "barf-face" masks. How are you today? CRAPPY?"
Heero glanced at him, then looked away and closed his eyes.
"Why you...!" Duo snapped, pounding the desk with his fist to emphasize the point. "This is my desk! Get your damned stinky feet off it! And make your little hired thugs cut it out!"
Heero ignored him.
Duo grabbed the desk, trying to pull it out from under Heero's feet, but it wouldn't budge. "Come on! Move it, move it! This is all your fault an--" Heero lifted his foot, and Duo flew back, desk and all, yet somehow both landed safely (and in the same position, no less) halfway across the room.
Needless to say, Duo was more than a little unhappy. However, instead of getting in Heero's face, like he very much wanted to do, he turned his desk to face the chalkboard, and sat down at it, with all the otehr students watching in surprise.
"Noin-sensei! I have a question about last night's homework." He said loudly, raising an arm into the air as though waiting to be called upon. "I couldn't understand part of it because I had to leave early for work."
Noin wiped her nose with a tissue and tried to regain a vestige of her composure. "Um, w-what part, Duo-chan?"
Duo pulled out his textbook and a few sheets of paper, pointing to various parts as he spoke. "Right here, three times two over X equals...
Now Heero, watching this from his perch, simply wouldn't allow this sort of thing to go on. He glanced to the boy at his side, who acknowledged the signal by wrapping his arms around his stomach and yelling, "Ow! Sensei, Sensei! My stomach hurts!"
A few of the other boys quickly joined in, holding their stomachs and shouting. Noin looked up to see what was wrong with them (bless her soul, she's *so* gullible), much to Duo's dismay.
"Hey! Hey! I need help with this one, too!" Duo stood up and held the book in front of Noin's face, trying to get her attention back." Noin looked at the boys again, who were still groaning and acting sick. "What are you looking at!? Here, Noin-sensei! Come on, help me with these stupid things! It's obvious that they're all faking it!"
"Oh, sorry." Noin looked apoligetic, and tried to ignore the noise around her enough to help Duo.
"Come on, pay attention to this! Now, this one right here..."
"What you might want to do is..." Noin too the book and walked up to the chalkboard, and began to write a few numbers.
Once again, the boys decided this simply could not be allowed. They each picked up a water balloon from their backpacks, and chucked them at poor, abused Noin. For the most part, they didn't hit Noin, but when the balloons popped, the front half of the room filled with clouds of dust. Duo and the girls up front choked. A lot. It would have been funny, had it not been them. However, because it *was* them, they were quite unhappy. As the dust began to settle, a sniffling whine could be heard.
"Oh no, she's gonna cry again...' Duo rolled his eyes.
One of the girls, Meiran, tried to comfort her before it was too late. She failed, of course.
In the half of the room which wasn't coated in three inches of dust, the boys laughed. And laughed, and when one stopped laughing so he could breathe, another would laugh to take his place, and so on and so forth. Muller stopped laughing (even though another boy filled in for him) long enough to taunt her. "Sensei, we're all fine now!"
The door to the classroom flew open, revealing Milliardo, who was furious. "HEY, shut up! I can hear you kids down the hall!"
The boys were unimpressed. "Here comes Noin-sensei's boyfriend," laughed Muller, "They're been going steady for a *long* time!"
Milliardo tried his hand at comforting the sobbing Noin. "You've got to pull yourself together."
"But, they... they..." Noin sniffled.
Milliardo had had enough. " Do you little monsters think you can get away with this?!"
"Yeah! Let 'em have it, Milliardo-sensei!" Duo cheered.
"This is a classroom, not a party! You.... should..." he trailed off, his eye trained on Heero, who was looking back at him, pulling something from his jacket. Milliardo got quiet, as did the rest of the room. He looked at Noin. Look looked at him. They both looked at the floor.
"Hey, what's wrong? What's going on?" Duo looked from the teachers to Heero and the other boys. "What is it? Why are you grinning?! Come on, tell us!"
Heero, who wasn't really grinning (he was just as expressionless as he'd been the whole time), slid something white back into his jacket.
'What was that? Did he find their weak point?' No sooner had Duo finished the thought had the class falled back into the same chaos it had been when he walked in.
"I can't take this anymore!" Noin ran from the room in tears, Milliardo chasing after her.
Duo panicked "Hey! Where are you going!?" He and the other students were alone. 'What in the world was that...?'
The boys destroyed the room. The girls stood in a corner, terrified of what the boys might do to them if they protested. Duo looked at Heero. Heero ate some bread.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
That afternoon at the TV station, Duo's mood was no better. "Dude! This really *really* pisses me off! I can't stand this! Why me!? Why me!?!" The chair swung wildly, with the hairdresser trying his best to do his job, even with a spastic Duo as his charge. "Ever since eighth grade started, life there has been HELL!! I CAN'T STAND IT! OH MY GOD, it just SUCKS! LIFE sucks! My whole life sucks! Why can't it be more like those nice shoujo manga?! But NOOO! I have to have SATAN for a classmate!" The swinging of the chair became even more erratic. "I can't stand it I can't stand it I can't stand it!"
Nataku: This is the dressing room for the kids staring in the hit TV show "Child's Toy." Everyone is extremely nervous... *notices a kid sleeping with the script covering his face* Or not...
Meanwhile, Duo was still having a coronary. "It's that devil Heero Yuy! He's responsible for this whole thing!" he stopped for a moment and looked at himself in the mirror. "Uh, Kathrine-san, is this how I'm supposed to look today on the show?" His braid stuck straight into the air, then made a loop at the end.
Kathrine sighed. "Sorry, Duo-chan, but you move around too much."
They were interupted by a flash of light, and the sound of a photo being taken. "Trowa-kun! What are you doing!?"
Trowa, still looking perfect in a suit and shades, pulled a photo out of the polaroid and held it up. "Duo-chan: this week."
Katherine tried to fix the mess on Duo's head, sneaking a glance at Trowa. "Duo-chan, your manager sure is cute. Boy, is he good looking! And probably pretty popular, too."
Duo smirked. "Oh, do you like him?"
Katherine almost blushed, but with the magic of ultra-super-Circus- girl make up, you couldn't tell. "O-Of course I do, I really like him!"
Duo watched Katherine in the mirror. "Don't you dare touch him. He's my boyfriend and my pimp."
Katherine blanched. " 'PIMP?' Duo-chan, do you know what 'pimp' means?!"
"Of course I do! I give him my allowance every month!"
Katherine looked at Trowa, shocked. "Really?"
Trowa said nothing.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
The famous TV actress Duo stormed through the hallway toward the set of "Child's Toy," fuming, "Well, someone's got to teach that idiot a lesson. A good lesson is just what he needs."
"You mean that mischievious boy in your class? Yuy?" Trowa asked as he trailed along behind her.
" 'Mischievious boy' is too cute-sounding. He's a devil!"
"Well, don't do anything dangerous, after all, you *are* a girl." He said pointedly.
"Don't worry! My special techniques from Komawari should put that jerk in his place!" He danced around, waving his script menacingly. "I'll break his leg! I'll cut him up like a hot dog! I'm gonna beat him like a--" He blindly stabbed a passing woman in the stomach with her script. Then he stopped and stared at the woman he'd stabbed. Then he stared a moment more. And the script remained lodged in her stomach.
Suddenly, Duo smiled. "Hey, you're Minami Takayama from Two-Mix!"
looked down at Duo. "Oh, Duo-chan, I haven't seen you in a while."
"Thanks for doing 'Just Communication' and 'Rhythm Emotion.' They're really great."
"I'm glad you liked it. By the way, are you going to be on Child's Toy today?"
Duo nodded.
"That's great! I never miss it. Good luck."
"Thanks!"
Duo jerked the script away, and Minami fell on her face. Once on her feet, (still looking perfect, of course. Falling on your face has no effect on you if you're famous!) she turned to Duo again. "See you later, Duo- chan. Bye." and she continued on her way.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
On the set, Professor G stood in the front of a 'classroom'. Now, because GW was such a strange anime, they never told you what G's first name was. Well, I'm telling you right now, that it was "Zenjirou." And not only that, but he's got buck teeth, too. And he's pretty hentai. Not a lot, but enough. For some reason, a lot of people think he's attractive.
Anyway, the camera's are rolling, and G starts talking to the class, aka the cast of Child's Toy. "It's the beginning of the year, the cherry blossoms are in bloom. Good! So, are you all having a happy semester?"
Duo was once again thinking about what a horrible day he'd had at school. He muttered, "Yeah, right."
"Have you made any 'real good friends' yet?"
"I don't have time for that."
"How's your new teacher? Is she really beautiful?"
Duo groaned. "No."
G tried to get the topic off of school, but because he's a terrible conversationalist, he said, "Being a kid must be a lot of fun!"
"It sucks."
"I'd love to be a kid again!"
"God, You're such an idiot."
G looked hurt. "What's wrong, Duo-chan? You look like something's bothering you."
"You got it."
"But it's SPRING!"
Duo rolled his eyes. "No kidding."
"Aren't you enjoying school at all?"
" NO. It's Hell on Earth."
"What?"
"Zenjirou-sensei, a kid's world isn't nearly as simple as you think."
"Yeah?"
Duo stood up and raised the volume a few decibles. "It's survival of the fittest! A world where the only law is the law of the jungle! Face it, Zenjirou-sensei, a weakling like you would be killed and eaten after a few minutes."
"Killed?" G glanced at the camera from the corner of his eye.
"Yeah! Our classroom is flooded with the tears of teachers! Soccer balls, spit balls, and students fly around like swarming maggots! Are you listening, Zenjirou-sensei!?"
The director, cameramen, and Trowa sighed. She just *had* to have her outburst during a live production.
"Are you listening, everyone!?! It's not a school, it's a ZOO!" Duo turned around and pointed to the boy sitting behind her. "They're not boys, they're monkeys! BABOONS! Dirty, smelly, stinky, butt-sniffing baboons!" She spun around to face G again. "They're making a huge mess and it's all HIS fault!"
G backed up a few paces. "Uh, Who's fault, Duo-chan?"
"HIS FAULT!"
"Who's 'him'?"
Duo turned to the camera and stalked toward it. "Hey, Yuy! Yeah, I'm talking to you, astro-turf for brains! Are you listening to me?! Eighth grade student, number 01, Heero Yuy! It's ALL YOUR FAULT!"
At this very moment, at the Yuy household, the television was on. And Heero just happened to be in a nearby room. Through the tv, Duo continued reaming him, long-distance. "I come to school every day and all I get it crap thrown at me by your little monkeys! What the hell is wrong with you!?"
"LET ME GO, LET ME GO!" Heero glared at the television as a few members of the cast pulled Duo offscreen. "HEERO!"
~~TBC~~
Jupiter Strahan
"Feed me!"
Author: Jupiter Strahan
Pairings: eventual 1+2
Rating: PG
Warnings: fluff, humor, silliness, shonen ai.
Archived at:
http://www.wuffie.net
http://www.fanfiction.net
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Note: No, this isn't REALLY a gender-switching fic. You'll just have to get through a little bit before I begin to refer to Duo in the masculine tense. There's a reason for it, I swear!
Note: Nataku will be popping up out of nowhere to give a commentary throughout this fic, get used to it.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
'blah' = character's (usually Duo's) thoughts.
Kodomo no Gundam:
Part 1A: I'm a Junior High School Student with a pimp!
The sun shone brightly down upon Tokyo, the birds chirping happily as the morning sun rose steadily into the sky.
Somewhere in the city, an alarm clock went off. It wasn't the annoying kind of clock that goes "beep, beep, beep," when the designated time arrives; no, this one was a very special clock. It plays a lovely little mambo tune that makes you want to jiggle your boo-tay. Oh yeah, shake it!
Now, this alarm clock with the lovely mambo wasn't just anywhere in the city, it was in a mansion. and not just any mansion. It was the home of a a famous writer and a young girl. This alarm just happened to be going off at the bedside of said girl. And said girl was sleeping right through it.
Atop the clock, which read 8:30, was a pig. Not just any pig, mind you, but a dancing pig. A dancing pig in a purple bikini top and a string skirt. Needless to say, it was plastic. And it was dancing.
Ever so slowly, the young girl opened her eyes, and looked at the alarm. 'Eight...Thir...ty. Huh.' The eyes closed once again, and drifted back to a state of dreaming. The dancing pig on the clock noticed this, of course, and began to dance harder, the little purple bells of it's skirt shaking wildly. Its job was to wake the girl every morning, if he failed... well, Piggie didn't want to think about that. It couldn't think anyway. It was plastic.
Did the young girl awaken? Don't be silly. Why wake up when having such a nice dream? In fact, right now in the dream there's this big red flag waving.... and it says "8:30" on it in big, white print. Who was carrying the flag, anyway? Hmm... it seemed to be the girl! and she was running with the flag! Wait, no... she's not running anymore... she's standing on a big, green mountain, holding the flag! "Yahoooooi!" She says! And she listens for the echo... here it comes... "Schooool!"
The girl practically flew out of bed and stared at the clock. The plastic piggy was very happy to see this, and quit dancing, instead attemping to catch its breath. Well, sort of. Inanimate objects don't breathe.
She grabbed the clock, and cried "Augh! NO! It's 8:30!"
Name: Duo Maxwell. Age: 14 years old.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
"Mama! Why didn't you wake me up earlier!?" Duo cried to the squirrel, which sat happily in the cherry tree cracking open a walnut.... on Mama's head. "Five minutes, even! You could have at least done that!"
Ignoring Duo's outburst, and continuing to browse through the morning news, Mama merely answered, "If you sleep well, you grow well. If you oversleep, you'll grow more."
"--Now I'm late for school and everything!" Duo kept talking, as though Mama hadn't responded at all.
Whe Duo finally quit shouting, Mama lowered the newspaper the reveal long platinum blonde hair, and sharp blue eyes. "Good morning, Duo--" She looked around. Duo was nowhere in sight. "...You're gone."
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Duo rushed through brushing and braiding her hair, and hastily threw on a blue sweater and skirt before dashing out of the bathroom and down the hall, passing the maid, J. " 'Morning Shimura-san!" (I bet you didn't know J's first name was Shimura! Well, maybe it's not, but you'll just have to deal with it!)
Duo thought aloud as her ran down the hallway, with Mama passing her in a little red car. along the way. "I wonder why I oversleep evey morning?" She was so absorbed in her thoughts that he didn't notice Mama had stopped in front of her, nor the large red mallet that Mama held. However, she did notice when said mallet mad contact with her forehead.
Mama dragged ---or rather drove--- Sana back the way she'd come, and into the kitchen.
"Mama, I'm already late, even if I leave now I'll be marked tardy so PLEASE let me leave NOW!"
"I don't care whether you're tardy or not, but I'm not nice enough to let you go without eating your breakfast."
Duo sat dejectedly in her chair, gazing at the table and at the food it held. She ground out, "I-ta-da-ki-ma-su." before attacking the spread before her with a ferocity that even a half-starved wolf would admire.
"You don't have to hurry," Mama said, brushing a speck of dust off her pink and yellow kimono. "School isn't going anywhere."
Duo held up his now cleaned plate, cheeks bulging from food she hadn't had time to swallow.
"You may go."
Duo went.
Halfway down the hall, she nearly ran into Trowa, looking meticulously professional in a gray suit and sunglasses. "Good morning, Duo- chan. Nice weather, huh?"
Duo swallowed enough food to speak without spewing food everywhere, though her cheeks still bulged. "Good morning, Trowa-kun." She stopped and swallowed the rest before shouting "I'm in really deep trouble because I woke up and looked at teh clock and it was already 8:30 so I got up and got dressed and did my hair and brushed my teeth and I was all ready to go and then Mama stopped me and made me eat my breakfast and now I'm even later!" in one breath.
Don't bother trying to figure out how she did that in one breath. Strong lungs, maybe?
"I'll drive you to school." Trowa said, totally unphased.
Duo looked up at him for a second before jumping up to deliver a patented Duo Glomp. Well, it's not exactly patented yet, we're still going through the paper work. Anyway....
"Trowa-kun! You're the nicest guy in the world! Love ya, Love ya, Love ya, Love ya!"
'This handsome young man is my boyfriend and my pimp!'
"Let's go, Trowa-kun! Mama, I'm going to school now!"
Mama drove past in her little red car once again. "Drive safely but recklessly!" Mama called after them as they headed out the door.
'That's my Mama, Zechs Merquise. He's a famous writer and Aoki award winner!'
* * * * * * * * * * * * *
They pulled out of the garage very slowly. Then they very slowly pulled onto the street. Once on the street, they drove very slowly.
"Trowa-kun! You're going so slow! You're going *really* slow! I could WALK faster than this!" Duo cried as people passed them on the sidewalk.
Nataku: *sitting on passing man's shoulder* You're going to be late...
"Hurry up, hurry up, hurry up, hurry up--"
"It's my duty to get you safely to school." Rei, still unphased by the spastic Duo riding shotgun, replied.
Duo immediately calmed, and looked at Trowa with awe. "Oh, Trowa- kun!"
Nataku: *sitting on a passing child's shoulder* Hey, kindergarteners are passing you...
As quickly as the calm came, it went, right out the car window. Duo tackled Trowa, and the car went wild, bouncing and spinning over old ladies with canes and around small children who didn't have the common sense to get out of the way.
Upon arriving at the school, Duo stepped out of the car, giving her thanks to Trowa for the ride.
Trowa, breathless and relieved that they had survived the trip there, panted, "No problem... just doing my job."
Just before Duo stepped on to school grounds, Trowa stopped her. "Oh, Duo-chan, about today, I'm sure you remember this but there's a live broadcast of Kodomo no Omocha today after school, so I'll pick you up then."
"Okay!" Duo leaned in the car window to plant a kiss on Trowa's cheek.
Nataku: *blows a whistle and freezes the scene* Right, Right, now let me explain something to you. Back when Duo was little, Zechs-- er, I mean, Mama, made Duo join a theatrical company called "Komawari." Things progressed and now she is a very popular young actress, starring in a hit TV show called "Kodomo no Omocha," aka "Kodocha,"or "Child's Toy." You see, Duo is actually a boy, but due to unexplainable reasons, he can't let the public know his true gender or he'll be ruined. In order to keep this secret, he dresses rather femininely. Luckily, because he's been doing it all his life, Duo has no problem keeping everything quiet - his smiling, cheerful personality keeps people from even thinking otherwise. *turns and notices Duo still kissing Trowa* Hey! You two cut it out! Quit that!!
* * * * * * * * * * * *
Duo reached class 8:3 in record time. 'It was all fine until now...' He reached for the door hesitantly, 'but a few weeks ago we changed classes. Now this class *really* has some problems.'
Opening the door revealed a swarm of laughing, running boys, broomsticks, and soccer balls, not to mention desks and chairs flying about the room. 'See what I mean?'
"Please stop! Stop it everyone!" begged the teacher, Noin. "Put those desk back into their rows! Class is supposed to have started already!"
Duo made his way into the room, careful of flying furnature. 'The boys started teasing the teacher, and they're getting worse and worse every day.'
Noin burst into tears and covered her face with her hands. A few of the girls gathered around her, trying to comfort her.
'Geez, she's crying again. How can such a crybaby expect to be a teacher?'
Soon one of the girls noticed him. "Duo-chan! It's happening again and it's getting worse! Have you seen how far behind we are in the lessons?"
Duo turned to glare at one of the boys. This one, rather than run around and wreak havoc on the class, instead sat in the windowsill with his feet on one of the desks, listening to a set of earphones. 'Heero Yuy. This is the guy who started it all and is controlling all these thugs. He's a demon... a *devil*.'
"Okay, where's my desk." He started making his way through the mess of books and chairs, finally identifying his own, which had "Duo" scratched into the side, along with a doodle of Nataku. As luck would have it, it wasn't one of the desked pushed up against the wall or overturned on the floor. No, of all the desks in the room, Duo's happened to be the one that Heero Yuy's feet were upon. Oh, fate was simply cruel.
Duo sneered at him. "Oh, Good morning, Heero. Boy, you look like you ate some rotten fruit, but that seems to be normal for you. You might as well be wearing one of those "barf-face" masks. How are you today? CRAPPY?"
Heero glanced at him, then looked away and closed his eyes.
"Why you...!" Duo snapped, pounding the desk with his fist to emphasize the point. "This is my desk! Get your damned stinky feet off it! And make your little hired thugs cut it out!"
Heero ignored him.
Duo grabbed the desk, trying to pull it out from under Heero's feet, but it wouldn't budge. "Come on! Move it, move it! This is all your fault an--" Heero lifted his foot, and Duo flew back, desk and all, yet somehow both landed safely (and in the same position, no less) halfway across the room.
Needless to say, Duo was more than a little unhappy. However, instead of getting in Heero's face, like he very much wanted to do, he turned his desk to face the chalkboard, and sat down at it, with all the otehr students watching in surprise.
"Noin-sensei! I have a question about last night's homework." He said loudly, raising an arm into the air as though waiting to be called upon. "I couldn't understand part of it because I had to leave early for work."
Noin wiped her nose with a tissue and tried to regain a vestige of her composure. "Um, w-what part, Duo-chan?"
Duo pulled out his textbook and a few sheets of paper, pointing to various parts as he spoke. "Right here, three times two over X equals...
Now Heero, watching this from his perch, simply wouldn't allow this sort of thing to go on. He glanced to the boy at his side, who acknowledged the signal by wrapping his arms around his stomach and yelling, "Ow! Sensei, Sensei! My stomach hurts!"
A few of the other boys quickly joined in, holding their stomachs and shouting. Noin looked up to see what was wrong with them (bless her soul, she's *so* gullible), much to Duo's dismay.
"Hey! Hey! I need help with this one, too!" Duo stood up and held the book in front of Noin's face, trying to get her attention back." Noin looked at the boys again, who were still groaning and acting sick. "What are you looking at!? Here, Noin-sensei! Come on, help me with these stupid things! It's obvious that they're all faking it!"
"Oh, sorry." Noin looked apoligetic, and tried to ignore the noise around her enough to help Duo.
"Come on, pay attention to this! Now, this one right here..."
"What you might want to do is..." Noin too the book and walked up to the chalkboard, and began to write a few numbers.
Once again, the boys decided this simply could not be allowed. They each picked up a water balloon from their backpacks, and chucked them at poor, abused Noin. For the most part, they didn't hit Noin, but when the balloons popped, the front half of the room filled with clouds of dust. Duo and the girls up front choked. A lot. It would have been funny, had it not been them. However, because it *was* them, they were quite unhappy. As the dust began to settle, a sniffling whine could be heard.
"Oh no, she's gonna cry again...' Duo rolled his eyes.
One of the girls, Meiran, tried to comfort her before it was too late. She failed, of course.
In the half of the room which wasn't coated in three inches of dust, the boys laughed. And laughed, and when one stopped laughing so he could breathe, another would laugh to take his place, and so on and so forth. Muller stopped laughing (even though another boy filled in for him) long enough to taunt her. "Sensei, we're all fine now!"
The door to the classroom flew open, revealing Milliardo, who was furious. "HEY, shut up! I can hear you kids down the hall!"
The boys were unimpressed. "Here comes Noin-sensei's boyfriend," laughed Muller, "They're been going steady for a *long* time!"
Milliardo tried his hand at comforting the sobbing Noin. "You've got to pull yourself together."
"But, they... they..." Noin sniffled.
Milliardo had had enough. " Do you little monsters think you can get away with this?!"
"Yeah! Let 'em have it, Milliardo-sensei!" Duo cheered.
"This is a classroom, not a party! You.... should..." he trailed off, his eye trained on Heero, who was looking back at him, pulling something from his jacket. Milliardo got quiet, as did the rest of the room. He looked at Noin. Look looked at him. They both looked at the floor.
"Hey, what's wrong? What's going on?" Duo looked from the teachers to Heero and the other boys. "What is it? Why are you grinning?! Come on, tell us!"
Heero, who wasn't really grinning (he was just as expressionless as he'd been the whole time), slid something white back into his jacket.
'What was that? Did he find their weak point?' No sooner had Duo finished the thought had the class falled back into the same chaos it had been when he walked in.
"I can't take this anymore!" Noin ran from the room in tears, Milliardo chasing after her.
Duo panicked "Hey! Where are you going!?" He and the other students were alone. 'What in the world was that...?'
The boys destroyed the room. The girls stood in a corner, terrified of what the boys might do to them if they protested. Duo looked at Heero. Heero ate some bread.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
That afternoon at the TV station, Duo's mood was no better. "Dude! This really *really* pisses me off! I can't stand this! Why me!? Why me!?!" The chair swung wildly, with the hairdresser trying his best to do his job, even with a spastic Duo as his charge. "Ever since eighth grade started, life there has been HELL!! I CAN'T STAND IT! OH MY GOD, it just SUCKS! LIFE sucks! My whole life sucks! Why can't it be more like those nice shoujo manga?! But NOOO! I have to have SATAN for a classmate!" The swinging of the chair became even more erratic. "I can't stand it I can't stand it I can't stand it!"
Nataku: This is the dressing room for the kids staring in the hit TV show "Child's Toy." Everyone is extremely nervous... *notices a kid sleeping with the script covering his face* Or not...
Meanwhile, Duo was still having a coronary. "It's that devil Heero Yuy! He's responsible for this whole thing!" he stopped for a moment and looked at himself in the mirror. "Uh, Kathrine-san, is this how I'm supposed to look today on the show?" His braid stuck straight into the air, then made a loop at the end.
Kathrine sighed. "Sorry, Duo-chan, but you move around too much."
They were interupted by a flash of light, and the sound of a photo being taken. "Trowa-kun! What are you doing!?"
Trowa, still looking perfect in a suit and shades, pulled a photo out of the polaroid and held it up. "Duo-chan: this week."
Katherine tried to fix the mess on Duo's head, sneaking a glance at Trowa. "Duo-chan, your manager sure is cute. Boy, is he good looking! And probably pretty popular, too."
Duo smirked. "Oh, do you like him?"
Katherine almost blushed, but with the magic of ultra-super-Circus- girl make up, you couldn't tell. "O-Of course I do, I really like him!"
Duo watched Katherine in the mirror. "Don't you dare touch him. He's my boyfriend and my pimp."
Katherine blanched. " 'PIMP?' Duo-chan, do you know what 'pimp' means?!"
"Of course I do! I give him my allowance every month!"
Katherine looked at Trowa, shocked. "Really?"
Trowa said nothing.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
The famous TV actress Duo stormed through the hallway toward the set of "Child's Toy," fuming, "Well, someone's got to teach that idiot a lesson. A good lesson is just what he needs."
"You mean that mischievious boy in your class? Yuy?" Trowa asked as he trailed along behind her.
" 'Mischievious boy' is too cute-sounding. He's a devil!"
"Well, don't do anything dangerous, after all, you *are* a girl." He said pointedly.
"Don't worry! My special techniques from Komawari should put that jerk in his place!" He danced around, waving his script menacingly. "I'll break his leg! I'll cut him up like a hot dog! I'm gonna beat him like a--" He blindly stabbed a passing woman in the stomach with her script. Then he stopped and stared at the woman he'd stabbed. Then he stared a moment more. And the script remained lodged in her stomach.
Suddenly, Duo smiled. "Hey, you're Minami Takayama from Two-Mix!"
looked down at Duo. "Oh, Duo-chan, I haven't seen you in a while."
"Thanks for doing 'Just Communication' and 'Rhythm Emotion.' They're really great."
"I'm glad you liked it. By the way, are you going to be on Child's Toy today?"
Duo nodded.
"That's great! I never miss it. Good luck."
"Thanks!"
Duo jerked the script away, and Minami fell on her face. Once on her feet, (still looking perfect, of course. Falling on your face has no effect on you if you're famous!) she turned to Duo again. "See you later, Duo- chan. Bye." and she continued on her way.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
On the set, Professor G stood in the front of a 'classroom'. Now, because GW was such a strange anime, they never told you what G's first name was. Well, I'm telling you right now, that it was "Zenjirou." And not only that, but he's got buck teeth, too. And he's pretty hentai. Not a lot, but enough. For some reason, a lot of people think he's attractive.
Anyway, the camera's are rolling, and G starts talking to the class, aka the cast of Child's Toy. "It's the beginning of the year, the cherry blossoms are in bloom. Good! So, are you all having a happy semester?"
Duo was once again thinking about what a horrible day he'd had at school. He muttered, "Yeah, right."
"Have you made any 'real good friends' yet?"
"I don't have time for that."
"How's your new teacher? Is she really beautiful?"
Duo groaned. "No."
G tried to get the topic off of school, but because he's a terrible conversationalist, he said, "Being a kid must be a lot of fun!"
"It sucks."
"I'd love to be a kid again!"
"God, You're such an idiot."
G looked hurt. "What's wrong, Duo-chan? You look like something's bothering you."
"You got it."
"But it's SPRING!"
Duo rolled his eyes. "No kidding."
"Aren't you enjoying school at all?"
" NO. It's Hell on Earth."
"What?"
"Zenjirou-sensei, a kid's world isn't nearly as simple as you think."
"Yeah?"
Duo stood up and raised the volume a few decibles. "It's survival of the fittest! A world where the only law is the law of the jungle! Face it, Zenjirou-sensei, a weakling like you would be killed and eaten after a few minutes."
"Killed?" G glanced at the camera from the corner of his eye.
"Yeah! Our classroom is flooded with the tears of teachers! Soccer balls, spit balls, and students fly around like swarming maggots! Are you listening, Zenjirou-sensei!?"
The director, cameramen, and Trowa sighed. She just *had* to have her outburst during a live production.
"Are you listening, everyone!?! It's not a school, it's a ZOO!" Duo turned around and pointed to the boy sitting behind her. "They're not boys, they're monkeys! BABOONS! Dirty, smelly, stinky, butt-sniffing baboons!" She spun around to face G again. "They're making a huge mess and it's all HIS fault!"
G backed up a few paces. "Uh, Who's fault, Duo-chan?"
"HIS FAULT!"
"Who's 'him'?"
Duo turned to the camera and stalked toward it. "Hey, Yuy! Yeah, I'm talking to you, astro-turf for brains! Are you listening to me?! Eighth grade student, number 01, Heero Yuy! It's ALL YOUR FAULT!"
At this very moment, at the Yuy household, the television was on. And Heero just happened to be in a nearby room. Through the tv, Duo continued reaming him, long-distance. "I come to school every day and all I get it crap thrown at me by your little monkeys! What the hell is wrong with you!?"
"LET ME GO, LET ME GO!" Heero glared at the television as a few members of the cast pulled Duo offscreen. "HEERO!"
~~TBC~~
Jupiter Strahan
"Feed me!"