Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc are the properties of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. This fanfic is not for profit and no copyright infringement is intended. The premise for this fanfic was inspired by 'A Sparkle on the Hellmouth' by Brightstar Kenobi that can be found on this website.
Warning: Extremely AU. There will be character deaths. Most characters will be extremely noncanon after a certain point. Possible smut, definitely sexual situations and vulgar language. You have been warned.
Pairing: Xander/Cordelia
Chapter 1
Ethan's costume shop; after school 10/30/1997
A tall dark haired teen walked into the deserted costume shop just before closing the night before Halloween. The look on his face was one of desperation and angst. Wearing a loud Hawaiian shirt and threadbare jeans, he'd have been a good looking kid if it weren't the beaten down posture and general air of loser. Ethan recognized him as one of the children he'd seen with the Slayer the other day.
"Welcome young man to my store." The Chaos mage greeted his latest customer with false cheer. "Is there something I can help you find?"
"I hope so; I got voluntold that I had to escort some neighborhood kids around tomorrow night. The principal is making me where a costume and I was gonna use my dad's old army fatigues. But he went agro on them this morning when I asked where the patches Uncle Rory game me were supposed to be attached. Totally shredded them." He finished in a dejected tone. "I don't have much money, and I'd normally just eat the detentions but the principal isn't talking detentions this time and if I get expelled dad'll kick me outta the house."
"I see." Ethan replied thinking of what a perfect opportunity this was. 'A friend of Ripper and the Slayer and he's completely vulnerable. What oh what SHALL I do with you?' The middle aged British citizen asked himself. "Well, go ahead and browse my inventory. If you find something you like and we'll see what I can do to help you out, hmm?"
"Thanks mister." Xander replied. "You know you British guys are pretty cool." Before heading deeper into the store.
Several minutes later Ethan found the boy at the bargain bins with a hopeless look on his face. "Having trouble?"
"Trying to figure out what kind of costume I can make out of this stuff."
"Oh, son you don't want to be seen in public with a make shift costume do you? That's no way to get the ladies."
"Yeah I know…but the truth is this is just about all I can afford."
"Hmm…I tell you what, what kind of budget are you working with?"
"I swiped a $20 from my dad's wallet, but that's got to cover everything."
"In that case I've got the perfect thing. Come with me." Ethan said before leading the lanky teen to an incredible looking tuxedo. "Now I can't SELL this to you for $20, but you seem like a trust worthy lad so I have no problem renting it to you for the holiday."
"Wow. Is that…?" Xander asked in awe.
"One official James Bond tuxedo replica with complimentary Walther pistol." Ethan replied with a broad grin.
Abandoned warehouse, Industrial district, moments after the spell ended, 10/31/1997
Xander woke up having no idea where he was or what had happened to him. Thoughts and memories that weren't his swirled in his head like a hurricane. He remembered serving his Queen and Country for more than 30 years. Traveling all over the world and eliminating any and all threats as assigned by his control officer. He remembered beautiful women and deadly danger. He remembered a world where the supernatural was a myth and humanity was alone on the planet. And none of it made sense to the 16 year old Californian.
He couldn't move his arms or his legs, but the burning sensation radiating out from his collarbone…THAT he could feel. And it HURT! Overwhelmed by a combination of confusion, pain, fear, and panic the dark haired teen barely had to time to take in his grungy surroundings and the blood spattered body next to his before his mind shut down and he lost consciousness. Unaware of the incredible changes that his body was undergoing, the founding member of Sunnydale's own Scooby gang dreamed.
Evening of Halloween, 5:00 p.m. 10/31/1997
The night had started normally enough. Following the order's of the Troll Principal, he'd dressed in a costume and shown up at the high school on time with his two bestest buddies in the world, Buffy and Willow. When Xander had shown up at the Summers' house he'd gotten a kick out of flirting with Joyce in a faux British accent while they waited for the Buffster and Wills to finish getting ready. Buffy's costume was that of an 18th century noblewoman to impress her 250+ year old vampire boyfriend and Willow's was her customary ghost, while Xander had gotten a great deal from a nice old British dude and was sporting an imitation Armani tuxedo in an attempt to portray the iconic British spy James Bond.
The trio had each been assigned a group of small children and ordered to escort them as the trick or treated in the surrounding neighborhood. Xander's group had gotten a good haul of candy, and was on their way back to the high school when he blacked out.
Evening of Halloween, 7:00 p.m. 10/31/1997
One moment he was standing at M's funeral and mourning one of his few true friends and the next James Bond found himself in the middle of a street at night somewhere. Thanks to his decades of experience in field craft it wasn't hard to identify the surrounding architecture as placing him somewhere in the southwestern United States. What was strange was that no sense of elapsed time had passed. It was literally as if he were transported using a device from a bad sci-fi program from one location to another instantly. But that was obviously not the case as he was no longer in the suit he'd worn to M's funeral and it was no longer daytime. Seeing that Los Angeles was eight hours behind London, and the funeral had taken place at 2:00 P.M. if no time had passed it would be just after 6 A.M. local time and the sun would be rising in the east. Looking to the sky, Bond figured it was shortly after sunset at his current location and based on what some of the civilians around him were wearing he'd speculate that it was the night of Halloween. This meant that James hadn't just lost hours of memories but rather months, as the funeral had been in April.
Chaos was erupting around the British secret agent as monstrous little creatures straight out of a horror film attacked teenage and adult humans. He had just drawn his pistol and was preparing to intervene when he was accosted by a rather plain red headed teenager dressed as a…well the polite term was 'lady of the evening' but for the life of him James couldn't find anything ladylike about Willow Rosenberg. The chit was arrogant, naïve, pushy, and had all of the social grace of a leper.
Having to listen to the red headed ghost babble on about how he was possessing her best friend and that they needed the 'Slayer' who's name apparently was Buffy of all things was an exercise in patience the likes of which he'd never encountered before. But after witnessing the fact that child was indeed some form of ghost and having no other explanation as to what he was seeing, Bond decided to play along. They chased off some child monsters and rescued the Buffy girl, who had apparently dressed as an 18th century noblewoman. Listening to her scream 'DEMON' at an auto was rather amusing even if her voice was a trifle irritating. Having him gather up the girl the ghost led him to a typical suburban home in America and tried to convince them she wasn't insane. The mirror reflection and pictures seemed to bear her out, so James decided to reserve judgment. Hearing a scream in front of the home he charged out in time to aid a pretty brunette woman who was being attacked by what appeared to be a Sasquatch. James then got to meet his first real 'live' vampire. He wasn't impressed.
Now the witch on the other hand had been a rather pleasant encounter. Once they gotten away from the hairy creature and retreated to the house Bond got the chance to speak with the beautiful young woman. James found Prudence to be calm, intelligent, and incredibly knowledgeable about magic and spells as well as supernatural evil in general. And if there was one weakness that the British super spy had it was aggressively competent women. The fact that she was apparently possessing the fashion queen of the local high school while he was doing the same to the class goof ball didn't even enter into his mind.
What followed for the next several hours was a whirlwind of supernatural tropes and horror film clichés in a real life setting that quite frankly made the experienced British spy want to deliver a nuclear payload to the quaint little southern California hamlet he'd found himself in. As far as 007 was concerned this Giles person and the entire council of Watchers were undeserving of the title of British gentlemen and deserved nothing so much as a swift kick in the arse followed by bullet to the brainpan. The arrogance and idiocy that they displayed in their tactics and training regimen bordered on treason to humanity. How dare they keep the supernatural concealed from the world governments! The very idea that one teenage girl using archaic weaponry and with no backup was all that stood between the demonic forces of hell which were apparently very real by the way, and humanity made James want to vomit. Bond would grant that there did appear to be a method to their madness as humanity still existed. But the moral costs and the number of lives, especially teen girl lives was wholly unacceptable to the spy. There should be companies of commandos in at least all the major first world nations trained and equipped to deal with the demonic threats in this dimension, not one child who upon death was immediately replaced by another even younger child, mystically empowered or not.
At one point in the evening the possessed Slayer had run from the house in a panic after witnessing the tame vampire in a fight. This of course forced the others to chase after her. In the process of rescuing the useless bint, the tame vampire that called itself Angel had scooped up the girl and run, leaving James and Prudence to hold off the attacking demons. What followed seemed to be a whirlwind of combat that the duo seemed to be winning until a tremendous impact struck the British spy in the back and he blacked out.
Abandoned warehouse, Industrial district, night 11/1/1997
He existed in an eternity of agony. In those rare lucid moments when the waves of pain allowed for something approaching mental clarity he tried to understand what was happening to him. And then it would return; a pain so intense and unbearable, that there were literally no words to fully encompass the reality of the sensation that had been racking his body. The merciless burning of every nerve ending had occurred in relentless waves allowing him a moment of almost clarity at random intervals during the torture before sucking him into a blackness that caused the world to cease. At those times he had noticed a muffled whimpering coming from a nearby throat, telling him that he wasn't alone in his suffering…during those fleeting moments of lucidity he wasn't sure if that was a good thing or not.
It was so dark. In the pause between heartbeats he felt the liquid fire as it raged through his veins. With each beat the fire seemed to reach a little further down his nerve endings. Getting farther and farther away from his torso…that was when Xander noticed that he could feel his limbs again. He wished he couldn't. As with the return of sensation in his extremities he suddenly had thousands more nerve endings ready to torture him as they were bathed in acid. Then he lost consciousness again, for which he could only be thankful.