|| I: Is It Killing You ||
Author's Note: This is dedicated to my friend, Arianne (Moste-potente-4ever), because she's bloody amazing. And, a payback for the character cameo!
Disclaimer: The brilliant JK Rowling owns everything, except for the plot.
Title: Is It Killing You
Genre: Romance/General
Rating: T
Summary: It was the third of February when The Incident happened that eventually made Rose Weasley admit to herself that she loved her best friend a little too much.
Settings: Sixth year, throughout the month of February.
Length: Over 4,000 words
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It was the third of February when The Incident happened that eventually made Rose Weasley admit to herself that she loved her best friend a little too much.
The last few days, she was having a little debate in her head for all the things that changed. Her heart beats faster whenever her best friend was around, her face usually felt hot and there were a thousand hippogriffs stampeding inside her stomach. At first, she thought she was having a stomach flu or a fever, but when she saw Scorpius Malfoy snogging her roommate, Fara Heart, against a bookshelf in the Restricted Section of the library, she felt a white-hot anger scorching inside her chest.
It was an ordinary cold Friday night when Rose approached her favorite desk in front of the Restricted Section. It was located at the back of the library, hidden behind shelves and shelves of books about Charms and Old wizards and witches. It was quiet and she was happy that she only has that Charms homework left to do and that she can go to Hogsmeade the following day when she heard the unmistakable sound of lips caressing and sucking.
Bothered by the sound, and annoyed that her good mood was slowly dissipating as fast as the golden snitch, she stood up and looked to her right, only to see a head filled with shockingly white- gold hair. A girl with straight black hair had her hands around the boy's head to press her tongue deeper into his throat, or something in that aspect. She was about to reprimand the two for being irresponsible when her mind jumped back to the boy. His shoulder blades and broad back were familiar to her, and his long, lean legs that made him almost a foot taller than her were a signature of her best friend.
Scorpius Malfoy was snogging a tart against a bookshelf in the Restricted Section of the library. Bloody brilliant.
Rose gasped audibly, and she feared that she might be too loud. But, fortunately (or was it unfortunately? Rose was unsure.) Scorpius was too busy being intimate to this slag.
Unfortunately, the girl may have heard her because she opened her eyes and a pair of blazing blue orbs was challenging her to stop them. However, Rose never had the courage to stop them. She was too busy dealing with the white-hot anger bubbling inside her and that— that agonizing ripping feeling inside her chest. A lump was pushing against her throat that brought tears to her eyes and made her face as red as her hair.
She felt like she was choking on air when she recognized the girl as Fara Heart, her roommate and the most beautiful girl in the school. Fara only tightened her hold around Scorpius's head and grinded her body to his while Rose buried her nails inside the skin of her palm.
She can't look away. She needed to look away, but she can't.
Tears were freely flowing from the corners of her eyes, making the usual warmth of her brown eyes turn cold. What made her snap out of whatever trance she was in, was when she heard the needy gasp.
"Fara," Scorpius moaned. And, with that Rose looked away and gathered her things. There was a stomp in her steps that made Madame Grace, the librarian, cast a reprimanding look.
But, Rose hardly cared. She was too busy cursing herself for realising that what she was feeling was jealousy and that she loved Scorpius Malfoy.
She loved her best friend too much, and she loathed herself for it.
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"Rose!" Scorpius called, his mind and body buzzing with adrenaline after the heated session with Fara Heart. It was a cold day and the ceiling of the Great Hall showed the cloudy and dark sky outside the castle. "Rose!"
The girl he was calling only ran faster from the Hall. He intended to talk to her about Fara, and if he could ask her out for the Hogsmeade weekend the next day. He felt the need to ask Rose about that because, she was his best friend and he wasn't really sure of what his feelings were.
The thing was, Scorpius Malfoy fancied Rose Weasley since the first time they met. Sure, Rose might have been scary that time because she knew too many things and she was almost too mature for someone around their age; however, that was what he liked about her. She was responsible and independent and she never really cared about what others thought of her. She was caring and she never judged, but she can be quite such a monster when someone pissed her off. She was the things Scorpius can't find in himself.
He didn't really understand how they became friends. Scorpius was irresponsible, reckless, playboy, a party-goer. He never cared about other people that much and he was too immature for his own good. He was noisy, and he liked to be in the middle of everything, while Rose liked sticking to the walls of the scenario, and she'd rather spend her birthday with selected people; unlike Scorpius who always throws a party when his birthday comes around.
However, he also felt hopeless. Rose disliked people who were around Scorpius's personality. She disliked almost everything Scorpius did. However, he was thankful till today that Rose might have seen something in him that wasn't in other people.
But, he decided to give up after she said to him last year that she liked Graham Travis, the sixth year Ravenclaw, now in his seventh year. He showed hints to Rose that he liked her. Thousands, actually, but Rose seemed to be intent on disregarding them. He felt like drowning and dying a million times, because the pain was literally eating him from the inside. He needed to move on. He needed a distraction.
So, since the day he came back from the Christmas break of their sixth year, he decided that he would start using girls and school and Quidditch as his distraction. No more moping around for Rose Weasley.
Rose sighed and turned around with a small smile forced on her face. "So, how's the snogging with Fara Heart?"
Scorpius may, or may not have smiled when Rose said that, which infuriated Rose further more than she'd ever did.
"Amazing kisser, that bird." Scorpius smiled his easy, heartbreaking smile as Rose tried keeping her smile on her lips. Her eyes hurt so much for trying not to cry in front of him, or for trying not to glare for his indifference.
Scorpius noticed her eyes. They were both puffy and red, as if she spent her time crying. Over what, he never knew, because he never asked, even if he wanted to. He knew that she never wanted anyone to push her for spilling details. He learnt it the hard way when she cried over Graham Travis for breaking her heart in fifth grade, and he pushed her to spill everything to him.
But, Rose was silently begging for Scorpius to react. To be mad and to push her for spilling everything. To even just ask if she was okay. Everything but blatantly ignoring that he had never seen her feel bad.
"Good. Uh, I should go now. I haven't finished my Charms essay, yet." She lied. Well, the essay wasn't really a lie, but she was desperate to get away. Or, else, she'll do something stupid like cry.
She turned around and started to jog when Scorpius called again, "Wait, Rose!"
Scorpius was confused with her behaviour. She was obviously avoiding eye contact, but why was she running away from him? He knew there was something wrong with her, but he swallowed the questions that were forming on the tip of his tongue.
Rose continued staring ahead, but there was a slight hesitation in her steps. She was hoping for Scorpius to ask her.
However, he asked the wrong question.
"I told Fara that we'll be, you know, meeting in Hogsmeade. Maybe we shoul—"
And then, she lost it.
"— ditch me instead, and go with that bird? Sure! That's a bloody brilliant idea. Ten points to Scorpius Malfoy for ditching his best friend over a bloody bird!" She snapped. Her fingers curled around her quill which snapped off, due to her aggravation. But, it wasn't really her fault, because The Incident— that was what she decided to call what happened three hours ago in the library— kept on replaying in her mind.
The lump in her throat was threatening to make her cry again. Her teeth were chattering with too many unspoken words, and her stomach was filled with too many dragons producing fire-hot anger that were going straight to her heart.
Scorpius stopped walking. He was stunned and confused because oh merlin did he say something wrong and, did he miss something?
"No! Rose, what's wrong?" Scorpius finally asked, after what felt like eons and eons of The Dark Ages. He simply can't ignore her harsh tone or, the choked sound of her voice when she said those words.
But, Rose continued walking. Her hair was fanning around her, as she silently choked on her words and tears and woes and her pains.
"Rose!" He called again and chased after her.
Rose cursed the day he started training for Quidditch because, his long legs kept up with her and she felt his long fingers wrapped around her right elbow, forcing her to stop. "Rose, stop!"
Gasping, she looked down and refused to meet his eyes. He can't see her like this. No. That would break Rose apart like a Horcrux.
But, he saw her. He saw her crying, and the anger he felt when Graham Travis made Rose cry resurfaced.
His eyes looked wild and angry and calm at the same time, when Rose met them, and she genuinely felt scared.
She wanted to tell him everything, from the moment that she realised that she liked Scorpius, at the moment that started seeing Scorpius as something else, and not just her best friend, or at the times where she over analysed the rose flower Scorpius gave her for her birthday.
However, their friendship would be the cost. By telling her feelings, she would have to endure the awkward silence between them after Scorpius admitted that " No, I don't like you more than a friend. I'm sorry, Rose."
She was torn between what her head was telling her, and to what was breaking her.
"Rose, what's wrong? What's the problem?!" Scorpius gritted his teeth.
"Leave me alone, Scorpius." Rose pleaded. "Please, please…"
"No." Scorpius said. He would do everything in his power to make Rose happy. Rose struggled to entangle Scorpius' hold but 'damn Scorpius for being too strong. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him!' Rose thought.
He tightened his hold around her elbow.
"SCORPIUS, LEAVE ME ALONE!" She shouted. And, oh dear, tears were streaming down her face. Her eyes sparkled with angst and anger and desperation that Scorpius found it impossible to look away.
"WHAT IS BOTHERING YOU?! TELL ME!" He only shouted back. His harsh breathing only increased, and he found it hard to breathe because the atmosphere was suddenly too hot.
"LET GO OF ME!"
"NO! TELL ME!" He stubbornly replied.
And, she would have kissed him, right there, in the middle of the bloody Charms corridor. She would've grabbed his face and snogged him senseless until he finally returned the same feelings she was having back to her. But, no. She was too subborn to do those things. She was a Gryffindor, she was the daughter of Hermione Granger-Weasley and Ronald Weasley, and she was the most brilliant girl in her class, and no. She wouldn't risk everything just for a bloody, stupid kiss.
But, she did.
She risked everything just for her uncontrollable desire. Ten points to Rose Weasley for being sodding stupid.
She wriggled her elbow away from his hold and grabbed his head. She pulled him against her trembling frame, and enraptured his open mouth into hers. Her tongue brushed over his top lip, and she kissed him harder, but Scorpius was not responding. Her fingers tangled themselves into Scorpius' silky blond hair and her tongue and lips desperately pushed him to "kiss back, you dolt". However, he was too busy wrapping his mind around the trivial fact that Rose Weasley was kissing him.
Rose Weasley, the bird he liked since they were eleven, kissed him. Rose Weasley liked him.
Unfortunately, after ten seconds of his frozen state, Rose pushed him back. She wished to just bury herself six feet under the ground. She wished that she died, right there, because the rejection was slowly slicing her insides in the most painful ways.
She looked away and the tears were more prominent than ever. Hastily, she propped on her knees and gathered the things she had dropped.
Before he can do anything, she stood up and her eyes filled too much humiliation met his wide frozen ones. She brushed the upside of her hand against her nose and muttered, "I'm sorry."
And, then, she left.
Only did a minute later did he realise that Rose left because she thought that he didn't like her, when, in fact, all he wanted to do was push her up against the wall and snog her back senseless.
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There was a quill in her hand and an empty sheet of parchment in front of her for the Defense against the Dark Arts essay they were assigned, but her mind was floating somewhere else. She was always in a state of deadness a week after The Incident and The I-shamelessly-snogged-Scorpius-in-Charms-corridor-incident. Ever since that day, she avoided Scorpius Malfoy, and started hanging out with Albus, instead, much to his chagrin because he had difficulty splitting his time between Scorpius and Rose.
Rose spilled her feelings and everything that happened that day to Albus when he found her crying in the secret room near the kitchens. She was grateful that Albus brought ice cream, too, because she started stuffing her face with it, together with crying her woes to the world.
Albus, unfortunately, found Scorpius lying on Albus' bed, his eyes closed. He was annoyed at Scorpius for not kissing Rose back, because even if he knew that he fancied Rose since first year, he still made Rose miserable and unbearable.
Rose was still glaring at her parchment when a small parchment folded like a dragon flew to her desk.
She looked up and saw Albus pointing at the parchment.
While the dragon was folding itself out, Rose read: How are you?
' Miserable, as usual.'She replied. She pushed the parchment off the desk, and watched as the parchment fell and folded itself back into a dragon before it hit the floor. The parchment soared to Albus. The conversation between the two was uninterrupted because the new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher hardly cared.
Poor, you.
It's nice to know that he cares…
Rosie, you shouldn't have been avoiding him. He cares. And, quit with the sarcasm. I have to deal with the both of you complaining.
What is he complaining about?
You, of course.
Well, I'm so sorry for avoiding him! Maybe if he actually took time to detach Fara off of him!
Rose…
Rose sighed and rested her head on the table as she decided to spill her thoughts to the parchment. She wanted Albus to comfort her and tell her to quit being melodramatic after she wrote, but she hardly cared if she sounded conceited.
I'm sorry. But, you should've seen us in Potions. We were horrible and awkward. It's almost funny.
Tell me. I need a laugh here, I'm actually dying of boredom.
Okay. So, in Potions, Professor Slughorn told us to pair up, and of course, he paired me and Scorpius up. All my thoughts were like: 'I would've sat here beside you, Scorpius, but I found myself searching an empty seat, instead of going here.' Or 'There are so many things I want you to know.' Or 'For once, let me in!' Or 'No, Scorpius. Don't look at me like that. I like you. Stop avoiding me. It's my job to avoid you!' Or 'I'm bloody immature right now. This is killing me.' Or 'I'll willingly surrender to you.'
I don't know where the last one came up, but it made me lie to Prof. Slughorn. I lied that I was feeling sick and that I needed to go to the Infirmary. And, then I cried all the way to the Kitchens.
I don't know why we keep on pretending like nothing happened.
I'm sorry, Rose. I can't help but laugh.
Bloody git, that's what you are. I actually thought you know what I'm talking about.
I know what you're talking about, Rosie. I just don't know what to say. Gods, I have the urge to set you two up, or something like that. You two are frustrating.
Blah, blah, blah.
Rose?
Yeah?
You like him, right?
Is… Is there an emotion more than that, Albus?
There's… Yes. You feel that?
Yes… I do.
Tell him that, okay? Aww, too bad he thinks you hate him now, right?
Yeah…
Rose… Fine, I'll stop laughing, seeing as you'r— ARE YOU CRYING?! I'm SORRY! THAT WAS A JOKE!
Shut it, Albus.
Shutting up, now. You know that I love you, right?
… Stop with the touchy-feely, Albus. It's scaring me.
But, I do love you!
I know! Because, you're obliged!
Blah, blah, blah. Just do your essay.
Do YOURS!
Done.
Oh…
Yeah.
Albus?
Yes, My Royal Highness?
I'm tired, Al.
*Sighs* I know, Rosie. I know.
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Scorpius Malfoy hated himself. He hated himself for being a cruel person. He hated himself for making Rose feel miserable. He hated himself every single time Albus reluctantly tells Scorpius about what Rose was thinking and feeling.
But, he was determined to kill himself when he read the notes Albus and Rose had. Okay, maybe not kill, but to throw himself off the Astronomy Tower, slowly drag himself across a Quidditch field filled with rose thorns, drowns himself in the lake and act as a dummy for the Whomping Willow. In short, he wanted to torture himself.
Which he was doing a good job, since he felt like a wretched puppy after the bastard of a master kicked him out. Or, something.
Focus, Scorpius, he thought.
Since the past few days, Fara Heart kept on pressing him to make out with her to places but he wasn't really in the mood. And, that he was, maybe, heartbroken.
Fara was far from happy when she was being shouted by Scorpius two days before Valentine's day.
"NO! JUST LEAVE ME ALONE, FARA! YOU DON'T EVEN LIKE ME!" He shouted, his hair running through his carefully styled hair. Fara longed to do that. Maybe, she will after they shagged each other later. But, right now, she had to deal with Rose Weasley's hold on Scorpius.
You see, she was rather possessive with him, because he was different from any other blokes. Firstly, he wasn't a good shag; he was a great one. Secondly, she liked him. Liked him more than just a shag mate. And thirdly, it was breaking her that Scorpius liked someone who was not as pretty as she was.
"I LIKE YOU, YOU TOSSER! WHY DO YOU THINK I STICK WITH YOU UNTIL NOW?! HUH?" She shouted back, tendrils of black hair fell onto her shoulder blades making her look more beautiful than the usual.
She knew that, of course.
And, Scorpius knew that, too. The thing was, he wasn't affected. He can now have Rose if he said the right words and his feelings. He wasn't going to be affected by Fara, because there was a higher stake and he wanted to reach beyond it.
"Well, shit's gone down to hell, then." He commented dryly. He sighed and tuned out Fara's shouting because he was getting weary, and all he wanted to do was to go to Rose and apologise and hug her and forget about Fara, even if that sounded like he was a git for not caring.
But, all of his thoughts disappeared when his eyes met hers as she passed the corridor behind Fara's back. He, subconsciously, pushed Fara out of the way and ignored her protests and started running after Rose, passed the huge doors and intp the dark night outside.
Sighing in relief, Scorpius saw her sitting on the grassy ground under the birch tree near the lake and approached her. He noticed the tears streaming down her face, and the blue-brown of her eyes were prominently sparkling with the layer of tears. Her head was leaning on the trunk behind her, and her hair was softly laid down around her, making her looked like a broken angel.
Scorpius slowly slid down the trunk of the tree and sat beside her, and he was surprised that the silence wasn't filled with awkwardness, just like what they experienced together in Charms.
Rose didn't know what to say since a twist of fate broke her defenses down and left her temporarily incapable of speech. She wanted to tell him that she missed him more than anything, but she didn't know how. She wanted to tell him that she gave up with their Hide-and-Seek game. She wanted to tell him that she was losing her mind every single time she sees him. She wanted to ask him why they were pretending like everything that happened was nothing. She wanted to tell him sorry for ruining everything.
A ringing silence surrounded them both as they gather the courage to speak first.
Scorpius had been always confident, and he always knew what to say. Rose knew that, and he waited for him to say something, anything, just so she can stop the tears. However, Scorpius felt his mouth opening and closing as he figured out what to tell her first. There were a million thoughts racing through his head and he wanted to tell her everything, but there seemed to be insufficient words in the English language that can actually describe everything he was feeling and thinking and nothing.
He wished to tell her that he missed her. He wished to tell her that he'd rather be on her side if they were having a contest of who can act like they care less. He wished to tell her that he'd rather love than fight. He wanted to tell her that he was tired of pretending like nothing happened. He wanted to tell her sorry for ruining everything. Instead, he asked a question that was both in their minds.
"How… How did we end up this way?"
Rose continued staring at the stars past the branches and the leaves of the birch tree, and opened her mouth to answer, "We're both blind."
Scorpius nodded, and stared at the girl beside her. Somehow, through watching her stare at the stars with hope and forlorn, his heart started beating wilder and wilder and he wondered whether she can hear his heart. He swallowed when he realised why he felt more… irrational than the times when he was around her. It was because he didn't just like her. He loved her.
He breathed through his nose to calm his heart down, but his heart only seemed to flutter faster when the realisation had hit him.
Scorpius Malfoy loved Rose Weasley. He loved his best friend.
"I…" Scorpius started. "I don't really know what to say."
Should he say "I love you" or "I like you"? Wouldn't saying the first one scare Rose away? What if she thought that everything was a mistake?
Rose slowly faced Scorpius and stared at his grey eyes that looked more like silver because the moon made unimaginable things to his appearance. Her eyes blinked and fluttered as she tried her best to stop staring at his lips.
"Is it killing you, like it's killing me?" She asked as she pulled at the hem of her Weasley sweater— that one she loved with a huge letter R in the middle. Scorpius breathed through his nose again, before he answered with an honest, "Yes."
And, with that she smiled that small smile that he loved.
"Then, that's enough for me."
It didn't bother Rose when Scorpius' eyebrows furrowed in the middle of his forehead.
It didn't bother her when Scorpius had an unreadable look in his eyes when he said, "You're my best friend."
It didn't bother her at all, because she knew that Scorpius loved her.
And, it certainly didn't unnerve her, at all, when he leaned in and their lips joined under the watchful stare of the stars.
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I: Is It Killing You