Stay
Well, after I watched the sneak peeks for the upcoming episode, particularly the first one, I couldn't help, but think at how calm Danny looked for a bit there, while everyone else freaked out, so I kinda imagined that he was dying on the inside.
And that thought turned into this fic, because no, Sir, I couldn't wait until the actual episode aired to write something about it. This came out. Hope it makes sense and that it conveys my feelings about all of this… And I'm aware this is the second fic that comes out from me before the actual ep airs…
Let me know what you think.
Don't die. Don't die. Don't die.
Danny repeated this like a mantra. Because he needed something to ground him. Someone. Usually that someone was Steve. But, Steve wasn't there. Steve was fighting for his life.
Just moments ago Steve asked Danny to time him and those pirrouettes he did in the air... Were just magnificient. Danny could for a moment swallow the lump in his throat the size of Garfield, New Jersey and not think of that last time Steve... He refused to even think of it. Steve needed all the positive attitude, so he chased away those dark thoughts and put on a smile. It was all for show. The calm posture, measured answers, just trying to think of when the race was going to be over.
And then he heard Steve's voice. The slight catch in that voice set Danny's heart in motion. He knew something was gonna happen. He just knew it. As the seconds ticked into minutes that worry progressed and now Danny was pumped up with sheer worry and fear, because he could hear Steve falling down... Not just with the plane, but there was something in how he said things... Was he having one of those ill bouts he got sometimes? Could it be the radiation poisoning acting up again?
Good Lord, no, not now. Please not now.
Danny kept saying to himself Steve needed him calm. And he stayed calm. For the sake of Steve and the others, because whenever he looked. Tani, Jerry, Junior, Lou, Kame... All of them had faces that told him things were really bad and not a fruit of his imagination.
And then that sound of a fast descending plane in his ears, the buzzing sound of the alarm much like the one few years ago when he almost lost Steve.
The breath-robbing, heart-wrenching pain in his heart, wound bleeding profusely, constricting his breaths, that were coming in shallow gasps. He was so blessed the others were focused on Steve and the plane and not on him. Danny could not take that now.
And what he couldn't do now was to cry or let his emotions get the best of him.
He managed to keep the calm posture. His left arm was throbbing. Blood pressure pounded in his ears.
Breathe in. Breathe out. Repeat.
By the time the lifeguards took Steve out on the beach, unscathed, the son of a bitch, except a cut on his forehead and few bumps along the way, Danny managed to put himself under control again.
Steve was gaping like fish out of water and looked at all of his team standing there worried, and then his gaze finally fell over Danny.
Steve blinked couple of times until his vision cleared and noticed the rigid, far too perfect and calm posture of his always alive and moving partner. Keeping himself at arm's length and a certain distance. The look in his eyes. Steve saw and read so many things he was not able to crack Danny completely.
But Steve knew one thing for certain. He just scared Danny to death and he knew the storm was brewing under the surface.
When those same rigid limbs hugged him, Steve was convinced in his assessment. And the pat on his shoulder with a soft "You should get checked out by a doctor" were already crumbling Steve to pieces.
Moreover since it was the last time he saw Danny that afternoon.
…
Steve felt like someone doused him with gasoline and lit him on fire. He felt sick and a burning sensation that had his insides torn and smashed into lithering flames. He felt like he was able to breathe again after all the water was expelled from his system and he emptied his stomach three times in the hospital bathroom.
Danny was still nowhere to be seen. It was so un-Danny that Steve wanted to go and find him, but he couldn't. The doctor wanted to examine him closely for any hidden injuries and do a bloodwork just to see how the radiation poisoning was going.
Steve obliged and one X-ray, MRI and blood test later he was out of the hospital.
He was tired. Bone tired. The race, the bout of sickness, Danny's silently "not again, not again, not again" he was able to pick up right before his partner screamed after him, it all came to a crashing halt to bring him on his knees. But no. Not yet. He had to find Danny. He had to find Danny and talk to him.
Steve went home and as much as he didn't want to get near water at least for a couple of days, he needed a shower to chase away the stench of hospital off him. He always hated hospitals, but in the last few months he noticed the smell bothered Danny to no end.
Screw the radiation poisoning. Screw his life. Screw the fear he saw in Danny's eyes every time he coughed or threw up. Screw the paralyzing moments where he could feel everything, but not react. Thank God, they happened when Danny wasn't around. Which reminded Steve that he'll have to tell Danny about them. The poor guy deserved a heads up instead of a freak out, if that ever happened in his presence. Eddie whined as he picked up on his owner's distress. Steve scratched his ears to soothe him.
Steve sighed as he picked a pair of jeans and a navy blue shirt. He took the keys from his truck and left his house in search for Danny.
…
First stop was Danny's house. But, it was empty and devoid of any activity for a long time it seemed. Next stop was Danny's favorite spot over on Diamond Head.
And it was where Steve found him.
Shoulders slumped, his little form hunched forwards, head on his knees drawn up to his chest. Right hand picking at the brace on his left arm. A mop of unruly blonde hair barely visible.
Steve sighed again. Whatever he was gonna say when he found Danny... It just died on his lips.
Steve silently approached Danny. As silently as he could with small stones crunching under his feet in constant 'crackle-crackle'.
"Danny?" Steve tried softly as to not spook Danny if he didn't hear him coming. But it was like Steve predicted, the detective was unresponsive.
Steve came closer and touched Danny on his right forearm, stopping Danny's hand mid-movement as he spoke louder and firm.
"Danno?"
This time there was a response. Bleary eyes met Steve's and there were so many emotions in those pale blue eyes as the Hawaiian sky, Steve physically backed down a step. They made him feel naked. Peeling off layer by layer of what he felt inside.
"Steve?" The tentative, innocent, childlike voice got through Steve's heart like a spear.
"Hey, buddy. Get off the ground. How long have you been here?"
"I don't know. What time is it?" Asked Danny, as he rubbed at his eyes. "I must have fallen asleep and lost track of time."
"It's a little after 5 p.m."
"Oh, boy, my whole body aches." Danny said as he got off the hard ground and stretched. "What happened, Steve?"
Steve decided he would not do any good beating around the bush and to get on the main topic of the conversation.
"Why did you go?"
"What?"
"Why did you leave? After the race... After I was saved from the water... Why?"
Danny was suddenly speechless. He always prided himself as a loudmouth that had a ridiculous list of words he could use - pretty much a very rich vocabulary the Oxford would envy him. But, right now he didn't know what to say.
"Steve... I..."
"I what, Danny?"
"Um..."
"What is it, Danny? You can tell me everything. I'm not gonna freak out. Not gonna lash out. What is it?"
Danny stayed silent and like nailed in the same spot for a long time. Steve huffed a frustrated breath and was about to shake some sense into Danny when his partner started talking. His head was hung low on his chest, avoiding Steve's eyes.
"Every time you go inside a plane, I die on the inside." Here you go, Danny added in his head.
Steve stared at Danny that still didn't look at him. He wasn't expecting this. He knew how much Danny cared for him, the love he felt for him, the worry and the fear always present, but this? Steve was petrified.
"I know this is who you are, babe." Danny continued like there was not a veil of silence just minutes ago between the two. "I'm never gonna ask you to stop doing whatever activity you have to do for the rest of your life. But, I can't help myself. I am scared. I am worried sick. Just the thought of planes makes my stomach do somersaults."
"Danny..."
"Let me finish, okay? Then you can yell at me for being a bitching worrywart." Danny made eye contact with Steve.
"I never thought of you like bitchi... Whatever."
Danny actually chuckled at Steve's words and it sounded strange and hollow in his ears. This was not him, not by a long shot. But the incident from hours ago brought Danny to this place where he was now and he had to face it. And finally tell Steve everything. Because it hurt.
"I know we talked about what happened... then. And I know you know what I had to do to get you safely on land and the aftermath. But what you don't remember, and I considered that a blessing up until now, because now you'll find out about it... What you said in that plane..." a lone tear slipped down Danny's face and he angrily wiped it away.
Steve for his part stood so close to Danny he could touch him if he wanted to, but kept his distance. For how much Danny was the touchy feely kind of a guy, even he needed space sometimes. And right now it looked like he was in a dire need of that space.
So close, yet so far.
"You said that you were going to die. Here, I was freaking out at how I have zero knowledge in piloting and you say 'I'm going to die'. That right about killed me then and there. It could have been Sahara, the Antarctic, everywhere else, but I felt like I was slowly dying. Because I could feel it. I could smell it in the air. Because it was oh, so real. And I couldn't let that happen. I couldn't let you die."
"But I'm not indestructible, Danny..." and Steve regretted that he spoke, because Danny's face drained of all color.
"I didn't mean to... Go on."
"That's precisely what I was going to say Steve. You are human being for crying out loud. Because no matter how many times I entitle you with a superhero name... You are only human. Just like me. Just like all of us here on Earth. Everything and anything can happen to you any given moment, now more so... Because of..." Danny let the radiation poisoning to hang in the air. "What I'm trying to say to you is that it's only human to die Steve. We are all gonna die one day, everyone has an expiration date. But if I can prevent you from dying any time soon, then... Then, I'll get my expiration date prolonged, too."
Steve tried hard to keep up with what Danny was saying, but it was about death, superheroes and expiration dates, he couldn't focus on one single thing.
"If you die, Steve, then I'll be as good as dead, too. Because you are too important to me. I don't want to see you die. I don't want to ponder on the moment that you won't be here with me anymore. Call me crazy, needy, dependent bastard, all true, but I don't want you to die. That day, when they called from the hospital… And they told me you crashed and they barely kept you alive because of your liver... I felt my world turning upside down. I knew what followed. And I tried to make it right. But then awful things happened to you, one after the other. Proving my earlier assessment of you being a trouble magnet true, mind you. One of those things was the radiation poisoning."
Danny stopped himself and bit on his tongue to not go further, to not tell Steve everything he had inside ever since the revelation of the devastating news.
"Danno?"
"I can't... I can't be an optimist, Steve. I never had the opportunity to experience something that will make me one... Except Gracie. And Charlie. And you. Other than that, my life has pretty much been a fiasco. A fail after another. People leaving me. Dying or serving divorce papers, it doesn't matter. No one truly understands me."
"I do."
"What?"
"I understand you, Danny." Because I'm you and you are me.
Danny huffed out a breath and his right palm was flat against the corner of his eye moving against the temple.
Headache in the making, Steve concluded.
"I guess that's true." Danny said after a heartbeat. "All I can think of is of how you must have been feeling all this time after..."
"After I got diagnosed with the radiation poisoning."
"Yes." Danny's voice wavered. "You see? I can't even say it. I guess I haven't been dealing with it quite as well as I thought. But that's on me. Nothing you need to worry about. I can handle it."
Steve recognized what Danny didn't say, but Steve read between the lines.
"When I think of how you feel when you get the bouts of sickness, feeling weak, not so much in control... It pains me to think what that does to you, Steve. To answer your question, I left because I couldn't face my fears. That you almost died, again. Because all I could think of, even before the race started, was that something was wrong."
Danny sucked in a sharp breath and closed his eyes to ground himself.
"When I heard your voice earlier... Call me paranoid, but I could listen to something else in your voice, something you didn't say. I felt like you were feeling sick, but you didn't want me to worry. And I kinda let it go. Until the plane actually hit the water. Then I lost it."
"So, you just left."
"Yes, I did. I needed to ground myself, to find my center again. And I knew that if I was alone and I arranged my thoughts, maybe I could find... something that will prove me wrong. Because I worry too much sometimes. I desperately didn't want to read too much into what happened, but facts are facts. What happened today happened two years ago, too. And it pains me to think that it may not be the last time I see you in a dangerous situation. But who we are talking about, danger is your middle name."
Steve chuffed a laugh at Danny's statement and it sounded suspiciously like a choked sob.
"I left because I needed to think and face the reality that I almost lost you again, today. And I'm sorry I wasn't there for you. I'm sorry I didn't offer you my support when you needed it, but honestly? I would have made you feel more miserable if I stayed. And I can't change who I am, Steve. Much like you can't. I have tried, times and again, but it's just me... Not much else. Hope you won't stay mad to me for longer."
Steve looked incredulously at his partner that again averted his gaze from him and looked away, at the ocean.
"Just to clarify something. I'm not mad at you. I understand that what you went through today... It must be hell, and I'm not sure I want to be you if our roles have been reversed somehow. To be honest, you as a pilot... It has a good sound to it, and you will look cute in a uniform with the sunglasses and all."
Danny looked with what Steve thought was amusement before the corner of his mouth quirked up into an attempt of a smile.
"Listen, Danny. Like you said, you can't expect me to be here forever, but I am trying. Honest to God, I am trying to keep myself from trouble. Because I know my clock is ticking. That even tho I hope, I have no fricking idea of how much time I'm left with. You think I don't agonize every waking moment as to when the next bout of sickness will happen? Or if my hand shakes when I hold my gun, that's pointed to a perp? I do. It's not just you, buddy, it's me, too."
Steve paused to gather his thoughts before he continued talking. Danny's eyes were focused on him now.
"You want me to be honest about something that you were right about?"
Danny just nodded, unable to find his voice.
"You were right about me feeling sick. I tried to think of something else to distract myself. And I asked you to time me."
"I knew it wasn't you being competitive."
"It wasn't." The sort of confession felt like relieving himself from a burden.
A sudden movement had Steve caught in a bear and all-encompassing hug from Danny that held on for dear life. Steve returned the hug and held on Danny stronger if possible. They both needed the physical touch of the other to help them through what they felt.
After a while, Steve pulled out of the hug with watery eyes. It was getting dark and he and Danny were the only ones at the place.
"Danny... I... I'm sorry for what you had to witness today. I know we both know it was out of my control. And I hate what this radiation poisoning is doing to you, too. Don't think I haven't noticed. One of the reasons why I didn't want to tell you in the first place."
"Steve..."
"Danno, don't. Don't do this to yourself. Don't overthink everything. Because I'm aware of it, too and it hurts me to even think what this does to you. To us. Don't think I haven't noticed how cautious you've become. Enough as in to say that you may have scared me for a while."
"I didn't mean to do that."
"I know. I didn't say it to rile you up more, just, I hate seeing how unhappy that makes you is all."
Danny stayed silent at Steve's words not sure if he should say something or leave Steve to finish. This openness and honesty from Steve was rare and he relished every moment his partner actually opened up to him.
"Look, I know how disturbing it must be that you... that you had to witness the crash today. That it was almost like you were back two years ago in that awful situation. But, we both know, Danny, that I was helpless both times... Nothing I could do to make it not happen somehow. I can't promise you that I won't pilot ever again. But, what I can promise you that I'll be more careful. With everything. I understand the seriousness of this thing that I have and... I can't risk my life nor the ones that I love, because I have a home, a family, and leaving you like this... It's just not an option. For now."
Steve let his words linger in the air, and the unspoken meaning of "I won't die, at least not any time soon" was hanging heavily over them.
"I appreciate what you have said Steve. I have a request tho."
An epic eye roll Danny Williams style came from Steve when he knew his partner was not finished with this conversation. No, Sir.
"What is it?"
"Be more open to me about how do you feel. Like if you feel sick, lightheaded, need to stay home for the day... Anything and everything. You call me and tell me what's wrong. Can you do that for me? Can you be honest with me about it? I want to help you, Steve. I want to help you and to make you feel better, because if you are okay, I'm okay, too, and I can't lose you. Not now when I finally found a place to call home..."
"C'mere." Steve was the one pulling Danny in a hug now.
It didn't take long for Steve to feel something damp and hot on his shoulder. But he didn't mind. God knows he himself had tears in his eyes.
Steve run his hands up and down Danny's back in a soothing manner. When he felt the trembling subside, Steve placed a kiss in Danny's hair and tightened the grip he had on Danny.
"Are you okay, Danny?"
"Yeah. I just… I really needed that. How do you know what I need? Always."
"The same way you know what I need."
Danny smiled. The first genuine smile that day. And it felt like all the tension and worry left his body. It left him tired, but not so much as he was before. He felt somehow revived, reinvigorated. And he saw Steve had that goofy megawatt smile on his face that always made things better.
"What do you say we head to mine and enjoy some alone time together, Danno? Steaks and Longboards on the beach."
"Oh, so you want to wine me and dine me, huh, McGarrett? Very subtle."
"What can I say, I want to pamper my favorite mainlander."
Danny released a hysterical laugh and it was the exact sound Steve wanted to hear.
"It's a date, babe."
…