A/N This is my first attempt at writing a story for Skins, so I have to admit that I am quite nervous about it. As you might know (or don't, well, it doesn't really matter), I am not a native speaker of the English language. I tried my best to keep this piece free of any mistakes. This Oneshot has been beta'ed by the wonderful nonsequitur1416 - thank you so much for your help! (Have a look at her fic Broken - it's really well-written and explores Naomily's story after Sophia in other ways than mine does. It's definitely worth reading!)
I always wondered about Naomi's side of the story of that whole nasty 'Sophia and cheating on Emily' business, so I've tried to provide some insight into Naomi's feelings - what motivated her to cheat, and what she might have felt doing just that.
So, without further ado, here's the story.
The warm skin against her own naked form felt oddly relieving and oppressing at the same time. Naomi let her gaze wander over the body currently beside her, taking in the curves of Emily's breasts, her fine, slender throat and her lush hair, before finally settling on the redhead's face. She was still asleep, her eyes closed, dead to the world. While Naomi loved to look into the brown orbs that radiated a warmth that usually worked like an embrace—engulfing her completely and making all her problems and dark thoughts disappear—she was glad that in this particular moment, those eyes were covered and closed. She doubted she'd find the strength to do what she knew she had to if Emily was looking at her.
The redhead shifted in her sleep, pressing her body closer into Naomi's. She fit perfectly into her, she thought. How could she have these thoughts, despite of that? Why did they keep coming back to haunt her? Naomi put an arm around Emily's waist, pulling her imperceptibly closer, needing to feel her against herself. She couldn't stand any distance between them. Barely daring to breathe, she inched even closer, burying her nose in the sea of red waves that was Emily's hair. It was intoxicating.
Naomi's mind wandered to a topic she'd been trying to keep out of her thoughts for quite some time now, failing spectacularly. How long did she have left? Naomi was no dreamer, no believer and she was certainly not naive, either. She knew that her relationship with Emily wouldn't last forever – couldn't.
They had one year of college ahead of them and then it would be over. They'd have to go to university afterwards to study a subject that was supposed to mark the path of their future lives. What were the odds of their relationship surviving that drastic a change? Slim to none, Naomi had decided a long time ago. It wasn't that she didn't want Emily or that she didn't value being with her, it was the feeling of being caged that got her.
They had discussed their future plans, once, right after a lazy evening making love in Naomi's bed, and that was when Emily had voiced her aspirations to take a gap year off after college. Her little redhead wanted to travel the world and get to know places she'd dreamed of going to when she was a little girl. At the time, Naomi had kept silent, entranced by the spark that was visible in Emily's eyes as she talked about her dreams for the future.
Naomi remembered how she hadn't wanted to be responsible for the disappearance of this light in her eyes. Suppressing a sigh to not wake Emily, she considered her own future and plans. Ever since she'd had her first class of "Government and Politics" at school, she'd known she would study the subject and do her fair share in changing the world. She was still undeterred about that being her vocation and the only thing able to bring happiness and accomplishment into her life.
And then there was Emily. Of course, when she'd sketched her future as a politician or political scientist, she hadn't pictured the little redhead in it. Whenever she'd envisioned her life, she had seen herself keeping a steady job, doing, actually doing something to make the world better and change the social and political situation of those who weren't as lucky as her. What she didn't see herself doing was leading a domestic life. She never wanted to have children, thought that the talk about marriage and eternal love was bollocks, something she'd surely never be stupid enough to buy into. How could couples last for that long, anyway? If she'd learnt anything from growing up at the Campbell household, it was that relationships never lasted. She couldn't fathom how or why some people could stay married for decades. It just didn't fit into her world view.
She knew Emily was different from her. Her beliefs and dreams were the exact opposite of hers. The redhead was a family person. And if her wish to spend a year doing nothing but travelling was any indication of what else was going on in that head of hers, Naomi knew their world views would never, could never, fit. Emily had told her she'd love for Naomi to accompany her on her travels, but the blonde doubted that they – as a couple – would make it that long. They were clearly not compatible, as much as it hurt to face that truth.
Naomi traced the skin up to Emily's navel, relishing in the sight that presented itself to her. Goosebumps had erupted on the still sleeping girl's skin, hinting at the effect that Naomi's touch had on the redhead even while unconscious.
Yet, despite all her doubts, she'd caught herself thinking about a future with Emily in it. She'd envisioned how it would be like for her to come home from a particularly difficult or boring lesson at uni to a flat shared with the redhead. She wondered what it would be like to build a home with her, and that thought and the feelings it brought with it scared Naomi shitless. How far would she go in order to ensure Emily's happiness? She was afraid that she would let her craziness about that girl take her completely over and make her do things she never thought she would even consider doing. And what if, after she'd successfully trashed her dreams, the relationship ended like it was bound to?
While Emily slept on, completely oblivious of the storm raging within her girlfriend's mind, Naomi clenched her teeth. She took a deep breath, her face still buried in her girlfriend's soft red hair. The sweet smell she inhaled was a mixture of soap, her favourite perfume and the scent that was just raw Emily made her head spin and suddenly felt extremely overwhelming to her. An urge to free herself from Emily's grip on her welled up within Naomi.
She couldn't let Emily have such a grip on her. She couldn't give up her life because of her, and she was determined to fight back. Naomi was sure she loved Emily – not that she was anywhere near ready to tell her how much – but she couldn't help her own feelings. Sometimes, she resented her, too. Not hate, for Naomi could never hate Emily, but resentment towards the way the petite girl could control her without being aware of it. Carefully, she extracted herself from her lover's embrace. She didn't want to wake Emily up; in fact, if she woke up, everything would go to hell.
The shutters were letting in a sliver of light from the early morning sun which illuminated the blonde's bedroom floor, where her and Emily's discarded clothes from the evening before lay around haphazardly. Naomi got up and shuffled around her room, trying to find something to wear in the mess they'd created in their frenzy to have no barriers between them, to be skin on skin.
She threw on the first shirt she'd found to cover herself, suddenly unable to be naked in a room with Emily, as if it would weaken her and weaken her resolve to get her life back from her girlfriend. For a whole minute, she stood still, contemplating her next move while taking in the sight of Emily sprawled on her bed, barely covered by her white bed sheets. It was proving to be quite the distraction, so Naomi shook her head and decided to take action.
She made her way to the bathroom, where she took a quick shower, washing away every little mark and hint of her night full of love and passion. With every scrub, a memory from the night before flashed in front of Naomi's eyes. She was mercilessly and completely helpless when it came to Emily, she realized. She just scrubbed harder to make that feeling of devotion she had towards her girlfriend go away. Back in her room, she put on a pair of jeans and a blue sweater she knew was no favourite of Emily's. It felt like a childish thing to do, but she decided to do it anyway.
After getting ready to leave the house, she slowly walked back towards the bed which still had the petite girl in it, slumbering peacefully in her sleep. Naomi noticed that Emily had grabbed the pillow she'd slept on and was holding it tightly to her chest. The sight made her heart ache for what she was about to do. It felt like betrayal, when in reality, it was just her getting back some control over her life. For fuck's sake, she thought, why am I feeling so guilty over nothing?
She leaned down and inched closer to Emily's face to place a soft kiss on her forehead.
"I love you, Emily," she whispered into her lover's ear, her own voice raspy from not being used in a long time. The words were said in earnest, and a sense of raw emotion clung to them like there was no possible way to separate Naomi's love and passion for the redhead – her feelings – from her voice. Maybe that was the reason that what was left unsaid was, but sometimes, I can't stand you. The fact that those words were never spoken out loud did nothing to weaken the power beneath them.
Grabbing a brochure from Goldsmith's University and her bag, she made her way out of the room, closing the door silently behind her. Closing the connection between her and Emily.
Green meadows, gray concrete buildings, the dark lines of asphalted streets—all of that swirled into a blurry mix before Naomi's unseeing eyes. She was leaning her head on the train's cold windowpane, her gaze staring out into the vast landscapes passing her by as she was on the way to London.
She'd left Emily without saying goodbye and that was eating away at her. She was a mess. A sigh escaped her. Naomi knew that Emily wouldn't be very surprised to wake up to an empty room. Ever since Naomi had picked up the habit of going for a morning run, it had become a very usual occurrence for the redhead. The fact that it was Jenna's birthday today and Emily was expected to spend the whole day and the night, too, at her parents' home was another lucky coincidence, so that Emily wouldn't be worried about her girlfriend's whereabouts.
It was perfect. A full day dedicated to her—only her—awaited Naomi, without anyone or anything to repress her. Today, she was free, today it was about her and her future. There was no Katie glaring at her disapprovingly, waiting for her to make a mistake and hurt Emily; there was no Jenna hardly tolerating her when she was around and, most importantly, there was no Emily to have a tight hold on her.
Deep in her thoughts, she hardly noticed the movement of the train that was bringing her ever closer to London.
She hadn't expected the open day to be so much fun, but she had to admit that she hadn't felt so elated in quite some time. Naomi had met a girl there, she'd introduced herself as Sophia Moore, and now they were both chatting away easily.
They found that they had a lot in common, even though Sophia seemed to be an inconspicuous girl which was quite the contrary from Naomi. The best thing about her new acquaintance, however, was that for the first time in months, someone was interested in her.
She asked a lot of questions and just patiently listened as Naomi rambled on about her relationship with Emily and how caged she felt sometimes. She said she could relate to that, that she herself felt trapped. They had, for a brief moment, a connection. Knowing that it wouldn't have negative repercussions if she confided in Sophia, Naomi let it all out. She voiced all the fears that were normally kept strictly under lock—silent, unspoken—and Sophia let her.
Her eyes showed extreme concentration and deep interest, something Naomi hadn't even known she had craved for. Now that she had it, though, she relished the feeling.
Pushing her down, she led them both to the couch in the living room. Their lips were locked in a hard, needy kiss, neither of them holding anything back. She tried hard to ignore the flashbacks of her doing something similar to Emily once, in the same spot, in the same house, but Emily was always on her mind.
Suddenly, Naomi opened her eyes. She broke the kiss, bracing her hand against Sophia's shoulders to shove her away. She couldn't do it, not when Emily's face was the only thing she was seeing on her mind. Not being able to look Sophia into the eyes, her gaze was fixed on the floor as she tried to catch her breath. She should send her away, she realized.
Sensing her hesitation and doubts, Sophia put her arms around Naomi, pulling her closer. "You and me, we're equal. We can have something real. Don't fight it, Naomi," she whispered hotly into her ear. She started to take off Naomi's clothes. Naomi let her without interfering. Slowly, the girl also got rid of her own clothing until they were both standing there in their underwear. Naomi was still not looking at Sophia, but that did nothing to stop the girl.
Taking a step back,still holding Naomi, Sophia lowered them both to the couch. Soft kisses along her shoulders and throat made Naomi shudder. This is madness, I have to stop this, she thought. Deep in thought she was barely aware of Sophia's warm fingers dancing on her cold skin. The blonde was cold all over, her heart a block of ice. Still, her body reacted in the most primordial and feral way. She could feel her heart beating faster. Lust, but not love, was building up its momentum.
The only thing holding her back now was her mind, which was screaming at her to think about Emily. Emily – the girl who fought for her and never gave up. She'd believed in their love and had eventually torn down the walls Naomi had erected around herself. She'd seen her at her most vulnerable and had decided to love her despite of that. Emily...
When did it happen? When did it begin to be all about the redhead? It was always Emily on her mind, driving her crazy with love and passion and fear. Where am I in all that, crossed Naomi's mind. When did she lose herself to the petite twin? Suddenly, hot rage surged through her. Emily. Always her. Naomi went completely still, not daring to move even an inch. If not for her rising and falling chest, you wouldn't have been able to tell she wasn't a mere statue.
Sensing that something was off, Sophia stopped her ministrations and looked directly into the blonde's eyes, uncertainty written all over her features. What she saw there were emotions flashing around like lightning. It was time for it to be about her, Naomi decided. Sophia was the way out— her escape, if you will. Sophia wanted Naomi, and she wanted her now. It had nothing to do with Emily, but everything to do with Naomi.
Even then, Naomi seemed unable to shake the feeling of guilt. She was about to cheat on her girlfriend. In fact, what had happened already constituted as cheating. The redhead had her in a vicelike grip, even when she wasn't physically present, but only on her mind and Naomi felt like she couldn't breathe. Her blood felt hot, and as it passed through her body, it felt like blazing fire, burning her from within. Naomi watched Sophia's face impassively for a moment, making the other girl extremely uncomfortable. That was all forgotten, though, as Naomi leaned forward and caught Sophia's lips in a searing kiss. There was an urgency to it that overwhelmed both girls and they clung desperately onto each other.
Both girls were still panting after their strenuous exercise. Slowly, after the lust induced haze Naomi had found herself in dissipated and her mind began working again, the realization of what had happened seemed to hit the blonde squarely in the chest, knocking the air out of her lungs. Panic began to well within her. Fuck, no, please, no, she thought frantically. As she turned around to look at Sophia's naked body, still covered in sweat from their activities, she felt the urge to throw up.
Naomi got up quickly, throwing on her discarded and now crumpled clothing, desperate to cover herself as if it would make it any less true. She had slept with Sophia. She'd cheated on Emily. It had been no tender lovemaking, there was no love involved whatsoever, she knew that, but she still felt sick to the core of her being. She'd fucked Sophia, her passion fueled by rage, fear and lust – she had lost control. It was exactly what she was trying to avoid, to run away from and yet fate, life, god or maybe her own stupidity had thrown her right into a situation where she was once again powerless about her feelings.
Her voice was shaking when she spoke, "You better go. I don't want you to be here when I come back." With that, she hastily made her way to the door, slamming it shut behind her. She begun to run the moment she was out of the house, not for one second caring that it was raining hard.
Sophia was unfazed and didn't even flinch when the door slammed shut. She'd known that Naomi was taken. She had known that it would be no easy task to make her hers, but she was quite confident that it would turn out that way. She had a feeling in her gut, she knew, that Naomi would be coming back to her. And she'd wait for it, she'd be ready to take her in and hold her close. Sophia had felt the passion, the force of their lovemaking. There was no denying that Naomi had strong feelings towards her. She was absolutely sure of that. Naomi just needed some convincing and time, and then they'd be okay.
Naomi was walking through the rain, avoiding the small puddles of water that had formed in the cracks of the pavement. She'd put quite some distance between her and her house, running through the rain as she had. Now she had slowed her pace, feeling no strength left to run or even move. She had to force herself to soldier on, the rain splashing her face. Every raindrop felt like a little needle going in, punishing her for her behaviour. Naomi knew she deserved punishment, so she made no move to seek shelter from the downpour currently besieging her. Her shirt was already soaked through, and the cold had her shivering. In fact, she was shivering on the inside as well; her emotions, heart and mind in a state of upheaval. She couldn't get Emily out of her head. Couldn't get her out of her heart.
Naomi loved her, and she was trapped by her, she realized with a heavy heart. There was absolutely nothing she could do about that – and now, she slowly came to understand, she should never have tried. Tears spilled from her eyes as she slid down a nearby wall. She had no strength left to go on, to keep her upright. Not caring that the rain has made the ground muddy, and ignoring the fact that her jeans and shoes would be ruined by it, she let herself slide to the ground. Encircling her own knees, she began to cry hysterically, breaking down completely. It became increasingly difficult for her to breathe, as she gasped and struggled for air. Her sobs were shaking her entire body. She was unable to get herself together, reliving the memories of the day in her mind. Her heart ached for her mistakes and for what she had done.
She loved her. She loved Emily; this was undeniable and unchangeable. It was her – Emily – who was her future. And that was the scariest thought of all.
What have I done? Naomi screwed her eyes shut.
A/N: Naomi cheating. I do believe that it was a plausible thing for her to do; in some ways, cheating fits her character. At least, the way I see her character it does, dealing with an emotional dilemma brought about by a situation that she feels is overwhelming her - loving Emily and having Emily love her back. I know that I couldn't quite believe what had happened when I saw the episode and my heart went out to Emily, but even then, I never doubted Naomi's love for Emily, not even for a moment. I think people make mistakes - terrible mistakes sometimes - because they are afraid of being happy. Happiness is a dangerous thing to them - it feels fleeting, and the thought of losing it all again may cause people to refrain from pursuing happiness altogether. The fear of pain is enough reason not to allow themselves to let go, to give up some control over their lives and selves. I felt that Naomi was a victim of that particular aspect of human psychology.
So... what do you think? I really hoped you liked this little one-shot!