Disclaimer: I do not own the Transformers franchise.
Chapter 1: Why Hello Primus!
I felt someone nudge me, go'way lemme shleep and attempting to swat away the pest, I found that I was not successful; I was poked again. Really asshole? I shot up, eyes wide open and ready to (figuratively) tear into someone. Only to see a massive pulsing ball of energy…
Blink.
Blink.
Just back away slowly it can't see you-
"With all due respect-"
"GYAAAAH!" I launched myself back. Metal screeching and crunching as I slammed myself against a wall. What… I looked down to see my arms had been replaced by freakishly proportioned metal limbs. The left arm one long massive 'gun', whereas the right was a funky looking installation with a claw at the end.
Blink.
"Please do not overreact"
Oh ho! You're in for a surprise! "I'm made out of metal. WhyamImadeouttaMETAL?!" I also noted my voice had changed.
"Allow me to explain"
"Please do before I rip you a new one"
"…you do know I am comprised solely of-"
"I'll find a way"
There was a deep sigh from the entity "First, let me elucidate that you are not dead-"
"Oh goodie"
"You are rather…misplaced. New body. And in another universe"
"With giant ass robots? You made me a giant ass robot?"
There was another deep sigh, "I wished to see how someone outside my universe would fare in-"
"So you yanked me out of my universe -which by the way has no enormous robots- and presto I'm in a creepy dark room with an equally creepy ball of sentient energy"
"You were not 'yanked'. Instead, with a brief examination, I copied, compressed, and transferred your soul into the body of a pre-existing transformer"
Insert head-ache "…What. The. Hell. What's a transformer?!" What am I? A body hijacker? "and what about the poor guy who had this body? Where's his soul? If these 'transformers' even have souls…"
"He's here with us-"
"Oh is he now..." I panned the room to find any sign of a 'soul'. My sight locking on a smaller pulsing blue…thing "Whoa, what in…what is that-?!"
"…Transformer souls are called sparks…" the all-knowing light-bulb corrected.
Well excuse me for just being introduced into a completely different universe and not knowing shit
"I do not appreciate your language"
"Then stay outta my head…please" I was sure to use some manners, figuring spending my days in robot purgatory with (what I assumed was) a god that I'd at least be (sort of) polite from that moment on. My head hurt as I processed every ounce of the total nonsense I had received, and so I shuffled around to ease some stress. Fortunately, I found that I still could move with ease despite being mechanical "…so uh, did Sunshine over there die or something? Is that why he's out of his body?"
"No…not yet"
"Not yet?"
"Sixshot has just been made aware that his brother has perished…and because of such blind vengeance, I worry he'll walk on the path that will lead to his destruction -a fate similar to his brothers. And although he is a Decepticon, I believe he deserves some closure on who really ended his brother"
"That's…deep" I looked over to the spark in the corner- "BUT Question: why don't you just tell him if you know...-?" if you know
"…I do not, but I am very certain it was not Optimus"
I felt something twitch on the side of my head, but ignored it, and I have no idea who that is. Still trying to comprehend my bizarre (and annoying) predicament "So is he-" I jerked my head toward Sixshots 'spark' "going to be safe here? He's not going to be like a candle-flame and eventually 'burn out' is he?"
"No…I'll feed energon into him while you're gone"
"Great. Uhm…what's your name? This whole time I've been a rude jerk and it has just now occurred to me that we haven't been properly introduced"
I could have sworn I heard a chuckle.
"Primus"
"Ah" I swayed my arms "So…should I go? Stay? Do a jig?"
"I'll beam you back into Sixshots holding cell"
"Wait -he was in jail? Ah, never mind I don't want to know…and before you teleport me, I have another quick question -or a few: Why me? Were you bored or something? How could you even get to my 'universe'?"
"Inter-dimensional travel poses no trouble for me, and…perhaps maybe I was. I want to see how an outside source can change the current of this war"
"Whelp, that is…really something I would have said no to…if you asked that is, which uh, you didn't" I raised my arms, positioning myself like a cross "Okay! Let the shenanigans ensue!"
Without further delay, I was beamed out of the mysterious chamber, convinced that 'Primus' was eager to do so at his earliest convenience. Pretty sure he hates my ass -wait what the-?! I found that I was -as Primus had said- in a jail cell.
"-I just despise that overrated Autobot!"
Did Primus…beam me right into the middle of a conversation? Did 'Sixshot' literally just find out seconds ago? How long was I in that chamber-?
Primus does wonders doesn't he?
HOLY SH-I have a voice in my head?! I always considered myself to be a little on the unstable side but I'm not this crazy!
Will you relax? Gee your worse than SnowCat
Twitch. Twitch, do I have antennae? I shook my head so fast I was sure I pulled something "Ow"
"Huh? Did you say something buddy?" that same voice that complained about an 'overrated Autobot' asked from the cell next to mine. No…I was having a mental discussion with myself
I am not your conscience
"Nah, just pulled something in my neck" then how can I…wait… I recalled the spark, Sixshot?
Took you long enough
Do we have a telepathic link or what?!
At least until this is all over
I heard chuckles from the cell next to mine and a cell further away "Hehe that sounds painful"
"Oh yeah, it's a pain in the neck"
Silence, for a few seconds anyway, before I found my hearing assaulted by a cacophony of laughs Oh my…I pun even when it's not my intention
"Hey we got a funny guy over there!" another voice (baritone), which sounded like it belonged to an African-American male, echoed from the furthest end of the room, who I assumed was cheering me on.
"All of you be quiet!" …unfortunately someone else had to be a dead beat, I guessed he was a guard. I was tempted to stick my head out and yell 'NEVAR' but something -actually someone- in the back of my head advised not to do so: the bars are energized …if I could have grown red with embarrassment, I would have. I suppose things would have been too easy if they weren't -hell- I could have easily pried them open right?
Yep
I eyed the wall to my left, there are no occupied cells to my left are there?
Not to my knowledge…you gonna do what I think you're gonna do?
Well you know; huge ass gun for an arm, might as well put it to good use, I aimed my left arm…but held it
Well…?
uuuuuUUUGGGHH hesitation!
You don't know how to use it do you?
...thaaaaat and I don't feel like drawing too much attention to myself
"Hey buddy!" the voice in the cell to my right whispered "hehe tell us another joke!"
Soooo how long is your sentence exactly?
10,000 years
HOLY FU- I coughed, NOPE! "hang on… I need to get the guards' attention" I stood up, careful not to hit my head on the ceiling,and walked close to the bars "Yo numb-nuts!" I had a plan formulating in my mind as I waited for the guard to approach me. Which he did in a hurry.
"What did you just call me?!" there were snorts and sniggers; which agitated the guard even more
"I addressed you by 'numb-nuts', which you had promptly responded to..."
Glaring at me, he then turned to walk away.
"Wait!" green eyes focused on me, uh oh, I was going to make a yo-momma joke. But do transformers even have mothers?! Sixshot stayed silent oh gee I'm open for suggestions! Gah think of something! "Why are you so frosty? Did you use spare parts from a fridge or what?"
I probably butchered that… another moment of silence passed before the guard took a few steps closer. And then came the laughs…
"What was that you little punk?!"
"Oh for crying out loud, you're mere feet away from me! Is your hearing as faulty as your face?!"
…which grew significantly louder. Come on…you know you want to fight me… the guard stayed rigid, de-energize the bars but then shook his head. Even though he was clearly fuming, he turned on the ball of his foot and stormed away.
Damn it…
Good effort…buuuut-
Don't start I sighed and collapsed "sorry guys"
"Sorry for what exactly?! That was awesome!"
"Mirage agree"
"Don't beat yourself up buddy!"
I had to remind myself they didn't know of my intention, they only heard the half-assed retorts meant to rile up the guard "ten-thousand years…I was really hoping to make it ten minutes"
"You tried to pick a fight with the guard?" a third voice, which was the deepest (Mirage I recalled) correctly deduced.
"Are the bars energized through a series circuit?"
Why yes they are-
-I want to hear it from them asshole
"What's a series circuit?" the transformer with the baritone voice asked. I face-palmed, well tried to anyway as I had found that I didn't even have a face.
I heard faint chuckling in the back of my mind "Nevermind"
I wasn't sure how much time passed. Seconds. Minutes. Hours. It all felt so slow. I attempted to pick another fight with a different guard, but alas, he had a better temper than the last one -even creeping me out with how 'nice' he was. I had lost interest in talking to my jail buddies because small-talk proved to be pointless and irritating. I joked every time something good popped in my head but…I eventually ran out of those. I had half a mind to just fall asleep. Taking a nap wouldn't be so bad, especially since I was so rudely interrupted from my last one…yeah I think I'll do th- and then I heard the explosions. Gunfire and shouts could also be heard some distance away.
"Hurry men! We got company!" a group of three guards then rushed by my cell
"Oh goodie! I just love jailbreaks!"
Guess all I had to do was wait…
Patience pays off don't it? it was almost as if he could sense my relief, not as if it was something I would try to conceal, there was no way in Hades I would sit in a cramped cell for ten millenia.
So jumping at the opportunity, and with a grin (a figurative one), I asked oh-so-kindly "You guys wouldn't mind if I joined your little escape party would you?"
"hehehehe not at all kid!" SnowCat cackled/yodeled (Sixshot told me his name earlier, in which I promptly responded 'you compared me to this guy?!)
And so we waited. The shouts and gunfire ceasing within minutes, which was followed by a minute of silence before a figure popped out of nowhere. Or to put it more specifically, he materialized right in front of my cell -which made me jump transformers can be ninjas too?!
We can be a lot of things; we're not just big dumb clunking 'robots'
Hey now, I only called the guard that
…after you dissed his mother. Which you didn't even know we could have mothers
It's better to learn as much as I can before venturing off into the big wide world of 'Transformers' asswipe
There was a sigh, I suppose. Your apparent lack of knowledge might get you killed
You little sh-
"You coming or not?" a raspy voice asked, snapping me back into reality. Oh shit that's right I said I'd tag along!
"I most certainly am!" and so I shot up…completely forgetting about how tall I was. I groaned as I dizzily lumbered out of the cell, can transformers get concussions? Shaking my head, my eye shifted from one party member to another:
Big green guy that's pounding on his chest like a gorilla; he said he was Demolisher
We swiftly left the room…
Guy doing an obnoxious yodel; that would be SnowCat
Biggest dude that's as tall as me -maybe a little taller- that has a weird orange face and refers to himself in 3rd person (sometimes); that's Mirage
And… then we all branched off into different directions. I stayed behind the shortest guy because he seemed like the most levelheaded, the flyboy that thinks he's some kind of samurai is Starscream, from what my little backseat driver just told me. Ignoring the indignant growl inside my head, I continued on my way, trying to keep pace with the much shorter transformer.
I was still clueless on how to use either of my guns (or rather Sixshots 'guns') so I just used good reflexes and brute strength to get up close and pummel any guards. Or maybe I was just too chicken-shit to use weapons of mass-destruction in close quarters, which I was certain I would have accidentally friendly-fired the 'ninja'.
As we were plowing through waves upon waves of 'storm-troopers' I was in a state of pondering:
So I was given the assignment of 'changing the current of war'…would Primus be picky as to what methods I choose? Who should I fight? Should I persist in my goal of accompanying these guys? Are they the 'bad guys'? Nah…this universe can't be that black-and-white…can it?
I don't know…I'm a Decepticon, but I consider myself to be a nice guy
Hmmm…right choice, wrong choice…I wonder what would happen if I do something Primus does not agree with…
Hey, you're actually putting alot of thought into this!
And you say you're a nice guy? Pfffffffffft! Shut your bitch mouth
Oh, so you heard that?
Smash. Smash. Crunch. I snorted haha, of course I did, you're in my head smartass and so I went through my twentieth (or was it my twenty-first?) guard.
"You still there?" Starscream asked, sounding surprised that I was even conscious.
"I got no other place to be. How close are we to the exit-?"
The wall in front of us blew outward violently as Starscream emptied a couple of rounds in it
"Oh, nevermind. I guess using doors is out of the question-"
"Quit being a smart aleck and follow me"
And so I waltzed on outside to see blue skies and…a metropolis that one would only see in movies and/or science fiction books.
…daaaaAAMN!