As a warning, I'm just going to say this is not a happy story. But if you do read it, I'd love to know what you think of it. It took me around six months to finish it, mostly because I didn't want to write the ending. I hope you guys have the feels I did and let me know! And the biggest thank you to meqhanory, for being my beta and helping me so much with this fic since the very beginning. I do not own anything.
BORN STILL
If Regina had to choose one word to describe that night, it wouldn't be "unfathomable", or "unbearable", or "so-agonizing-you-just-wish-you-had-the-strength-to-rip-your-own-heart-out-just-so-you-can-stop-feeling-all-this-pain", even though all of these terms apply too.
She would describe that night as quiet.
Because silence has a sound, too. It's tangible and cruel, it sits heavily on her shoulders and it makes everything painfully real, even when you just want it all to be nothing but a terrible nightmare.
Emma isn't ready for this. Regina is most definitely not ready for this. They couldn't be, in any way, ready for this. They could deal with curses and dragons, revenge and loneliness eating them from inside. But they couldn't deal with it. They couldn't let go of her, couldn't say goodbye when they didn't even get the chance to say hello.
No one is ever prepared for death when it comes so quietly you don't even know it was there until it's gone.
But it comes anyway.
Turning off the lights as she dragged herself from the study to upstairs, Emma noticed the faint light coming from under Henry's door. She knocked twice and peeked in, only to find the lamp on the bedside table on, his bed made and his beloved storybook placed precariously on top of a pile of homework he had to go through that weekend.
Crossing the room and turning off the lamp, she had to remind herself that he was staying at his grandparent's that night. And she also reminded herself that she needed to get some sleep, since the fact that her son wasn't home had completely slipped her.
She cracked her neck, feeling her eyelids heavy and her muscles begging for some rest. Getting into her bedroom as quietly as she could, Emma stood near the door for a moment, gazing at the figure in bed.
Regina was turned away from her, laying sideways, facing the windows, the post lamp casting a golden light on her. It was true what they said about pregnant women having a beauty that was unlike any other. Emma could see the huge bump stretching her nightgown, pillows tucked in between her legs, supporting her back and under her head, her short chestnut locks scattered all over it.
Kicking off her jeans, Emma slipped into bed only to feel the mattress soaked under her palm.
She thinks it's blood at first. They've already had their share of bad luck, but life wasn't fair, Emma knew that since a very young age. She almost sent the lamp flying when she wildly reached for it and turned it on, before pulling the covers away from Regina.
The liquid is clear, and the smell is sweet and almost earthy. She may not have read as many books as her wife did, but Emma knew enough about pregnancy to know what that was, and her mind reels in slight panic.
Sure, water breaking at thirty-five weeks is a bit early, but it happens. It happens.
When she gently grabbed Regina's shoulder, though, her skin feels clammy and cool. "Regina. Regina!" Even shaking her slightly and calling her name hurriedly, Emma got no reaction.
Calling for an ambulance, Emma found herself grateful for convincing Regina to do her prenatal appointments with Dr. Whale instead of finding a doctor in Alberta. Even if it was only under half an hour away, she would never find it within her to not freak out if she had to drive her unconscious wife to a hospital away from everyone she had grown to know and love.
Emma tried not to panic, tried to remember something useful from all those books Regina had forced her to read. She had always prided herself to be the sane one in messed up situations. But ever since Henry had gone under a sleeping curse, her heart would take control over her mind, and she would be useless to even control her breathing, let alone use her brain. The most she ends up doing is feel Regina's pulse, which is definitely there, strong and steady, though abnormally slow.
Emma got into the ambulance without even asking if she was allowed to. She would arrest anyone who tried to get in her way, her wild eyes warned the EMTs that much.
They hooked her up to an impressive amount of machines in the back of the ambulance, talking fast and hurriedly in medical terms Emma only hoped to get a superficial understanding of. She wanted to know what was happening, but she didn't dare to ask. All she did was try her best to answer their questions, but she somehow missed the moment when they worry about the lack of fetal heartbeat.
"Hey, are you awake?"
Regina felt Emma poking at her belly, and immediately felt annoyance growing in her chest. As the weeks passed, it became more and more difficult to have a good night of sleep – and it wasn't easy when she was growing a human being inside of her.
The numbers of positions she could get any rest had narrowed down to one - on her side. And not really just on her side, but somewhere in between on her side and on her back, with lots of pillows supporting her back and head. It was annoying and it started to be more painful than relaxing after only so many naps.
Naps, yes. She couldn't get a full night of sleep because of Coraline's constant kicking. Regina was glad for it, she really was. Her daughter kicking was the most amazing feeling she had ever experienced. But when it was three in the morning and she couldn't keep herself up anymore, she just willed her unborn daughter back to sleep.
She did an entire ritual tonight – took a long bath, sang lullabies while preparing her tea and drank it while whispering soft stories to her belly. Henry gave at her a weird look, but she could feel Coraline so much calmer and she felt sleep hugging her even before Emma came to join her on bed.
It had been one of her most restful nights.
That is, until Emma started poking her.
Groaning to let the blonde know that she'd been successful on her task of waking her up, Regina turned a little in bed, trying to find another comfortable position.
"We're gonna use our inside voices so we don't wake mommy up, okay?" Emma paused for a moment, caressing Regina's belly. "Yes, good girl."
Oh. It hit Regina then that Emma wasn't talking to her at all. She was talking to Coraline.
"I know I've been all skeptical about talking to Regina's belly before, but I guess you're all grown up now with ears and eyes and all those things. So, um, I don't know… Kick if you can listen to me?" Emma whispered, her hand resting on the place she assumed Coraline's feet would be. "Well, I'm just gonna talk. You can let me know later."
Emma scooted down and closer to Regina's belly, caressing a spot near her belly button with her thumb. When she spoke again, her whisper was so low Regina was almost afraid she'd miss it.
"Hi, baby girl. I'm your momma. I'm Emma, guess you've heard my name before. The one you're inside of is your mommy – we figured it'd be easier for you to tell who's who. Henry calls me Ma, you can call me like that too, if you want. Oh, Henry is your brother… But you know that, he talks to you all the time."
She took a deep breath, and Regina wondered if she was thinking this was silly. "You'll pop out of there in seven weeks, and I can't wait to meet you. I bet you smell like love and soap, just like every baby does. Unless those times you puke all over yourself, because we know that's happening. But I'm focusing on that sweet baby smell." Emma sighed, and it sounded like she was biting her lip before she started talking again, "You have your own room here, you know that? We decorated it, and it's all ready for you to come and sleep on it. And we already have the bag we'll be taking to the hospital when you're ready to meet us all organized too. Mommy and I agreed that your first outfit is gonna be yellow dress. It has more silk than I'd like, but your mommy loves it."
Emma caressed Regina's swollen belly for a while, before whispering again, her voice heavier than before, "We're so ready to meet you, baby girl. I can't wait to hold you, to feel your tiny fingers wrapped around my pinky, to see you making those cute bubbles babies do, to hear you giggle and see you falling on your butt when you're trying to walk." Regina had to still a laughter, carefully turning it into something more like sounds you'd make when you're sleeping, "And I have a place I want to take you… Actually, your brother and I found it, but anyway. It's a lake, right outside the town, with little ducks you can feed. The four of us can go there on a Sunday afternoon and have picnics, and you'll play near the water and maybe we can even go for a swim, if mommy doesn't freak out."
Squinting her eyes to see better through the dark, Regina could make out Emma's features – she was so peaceful. Even with only the moon casting a soft glow on the room, Regina could see how calm Emma was, how ready to care for their daughter she was. Regina was half expecting Emma to freak out any moment now. She had practice with Henry, Emma was doing this for the first time but it certainly looked like she had done it for a lifetime.
"And when you're older, I can take you to your ballet classes on my cruiser. Don't even argue, you just know your mommy will want you to do this kind of thing and be all classy. But we can put you on soccer team too. Whatever you choose, I'll let you turn the siren on and scare the crap out of your mommy." Emma stopped talking all of a sudden, and her voice got lower when she spoke next, "Maybe I should stop. Your mommy loves you so much, and we're a team. We're team moms! So yeah, no siren unless I'm taking you to the hospital because you broke something. And we know you will, if you're anything like me or your brother. Sorry, kiddo, you'll be so clumsy."
Regina noticed for the first time how wide her smile was. She'd been grinning so hard her cheeks were hurting. But it's all okay. It's fantastic. Emma was talking to their daughter.
"Guess you should go back to sleep. And me too, tomorrow I have so much paperwork to go through that you wouldn't believe. Storybrooke is too small to have this much paperwork." Emma scooted down a bit more and leaned in, kissing Regina's belly. "Goodnight, baby girl. Have sweet dreams."
Caressing her belly one last time, Emma got back to her original position. She was sound asleep almost instantly. Regina didn't sleep much that night, but it didn't matter.
She could get used to losing sleep over her wife talking to their daughter.
Being sheriff served her nothing when she tried to stay beside Regina after they reached a double door with "authorized personnel only" written on it.
Emma couldn't care less about politics. She could barely gather the sense of keeping it anywhere near together when she threw her arms around, pushing a nurse aside and screaming at Whale to let her be with her wife if he didn't want to get arrested.
Whale gripped her upper arms, shaking slightly as if trying to put some sense into her. "I can't be Regina's doctor with you being Sheriff Swan instead of being her wife." Emma was about to vociferate at him when another shaking made her think better of it. "Let me take care of her."
Narrowing her eyes, she straightened her back and released her arms from his grip. Emma swallowed hard through the lump growing in her throat, and shook her head, in a silent plea of "Don't let anything happen to them."
Running her hands through her hair, she watched as Whale rushed into a room where people were hooking Regina up to an even more ridiculous number of machines than they had in the ambulance. Emma caught a glimpse of her unconscious wife, color drained from her face, bump exposed. The last thing she saw before having the double doors closed on her face was a woman strapping on a fetal monitor on Regina's belly.
So she waited. Pacing from one end to another of the small waiting room, Emma wondered if she should call her parents just to find out she had no idea how to react in this situation. Growing up, she had never cared about someone enough to visit in the hospital or to be their emergency contact or anything. And whenever she got hurt, she was on her own.
Thinking about how Regina would throttle her if she called Snow White and Prince Charming and got their son up in the middle of a school night, Emma gave up on the idea. If - no, when their daughter was born, she would call everyone.
Until then, she just had to try and avoid burning a hole on the ground.
Emma sat down and got up more times than she'd admit, paced her way into dizziness and almost started crying because how much longer could it take? She waited for an excruciatingly long time - which turned out to be less than half an hour.
Her elbows were digging on her knees and her hands were buried in golden curls when a soft "Emma?" reached her. She bolted up, eyes wide in fear and a hope she thought only a ten-year-old Henry could have. And she prayed for an entity she'd never really gotten herself to believe in for them both to be okay.
But they weren't, were they? That much she could tell as soon as Whale crossed the double doors.
There was this quietness about him. He looked grave and almost tired, one of his hands dragging his hair back on his head as the other crumbled a surgical mask. He looked like someone who was about to deliver bad news.
Emma brushed it off, it was just her pessimistic side trying to get ideas into her head. Everything would be alright. It had to be. "How's Regina?" she asked as soon as she found her voice.
"Regina is doing fine" the doctor answered, his voice almost soothing.
Emma felt relief coursing through her body, washing away her worries. The news that Regina's fine made her feel so overwhelmed that she barely heard Whale talking about Regina's blood pressure being too high. Her relief was short-lived and replaced with a terrible feeling of dread because she knew she had to ask a second question. And if that quietness she felt waving off him was anything to rely on, the answer would devastate her.
"How's our daughter? How's Coraline?" her voice came out anguished and high pitched, and even before finishing the question, she knew she didn't want him to tell her anything.
And there it was; the pause. The silence she had experienced one too many times in her life. The quiet, almost apologetic second before the pain.
Even before the doctor said the words, Emma knew it. She knew what the answer would be. She could feel it in the hollow of her stomach and in the tight clenching around her heart.
She couldn't bear listening to those three words that sit heavily on her soul, weighing her down. Emma felt her insides turning and she didn't wait for Whale to offer her any comfort as she stormed out of the waiting room straight to the bathroom.
Dropping to her knees and doing her best to keep her hair out of the way, she threw up all the contents of her stomach. The wall of the stall was the only thing keeping her from laying on the ground as her body shook with the dry heaves and sobs that course through her.
Emma told herself that it was a lie, that Whale was wrong. Never being one to deny the truth, she couldn't find it within her to face it.
The golden light of sunset filled the room. It wasn't dark enough to turn on the lights, but everything seemed to cast an orange shadow rather than a regular one.
Emma had grown to love that time of the day. It was about the only time when Regina felt comfortable lately. She was still having morning sickness, not only in the morning; the heat of the days would cause her feet and hands to swell and leave her in the most annoyed mood. Later at night, when they went to bed, she couldn't sleep much before waking up and changing positions, which was a far cry from what she could call a restful night.
But in the last hours of the afternoon, Regina would be glowing in that majestic pregnant glow. The sight of Regina softly rocking back and forth in the rocking chair, caressing her belly and smiling without a worry in the world had become Emma's new favorite thing.
"Why are you smiling like that at me, dear?" Regina asked her tenderly, narrowing her eyes against the offending rays of light.
Emma shifted on her spot on the ground near Regina and looked down at her hands, folding what almost looked like a newborn-sized pant suit, "Nothing."
Regina rolled her eyes. Emma would smile foolishly at her when she thought Regina wasn't looking, but she always caught it. And it always warmed her heart. "If you tell me I have a pregnant glow, I swear I'll end you right here."
"Okay, then I won't."
Narrowing her eyes to her wife, Regina took a deep breath, trying to keep her smile hidden and failing miserably. Knowing that Emma looked at her with such joy in her eyes almost made up for the hormones flooding and mood swings.
If she was honest with herself, Regina only pretended to be mad at this pregnant glow thing because she was trying to keep her reputation. She caught Ruby saying once or twice that she had gone soft, and Grumpy even asked to feel Coraline kick.
After deciding she had had enough of it, she would make everything possible to keep the pregnancy out of her daily life as mayor – which was rather tricky, given that she could no longer see her feet without bending over. But she had grown passionate of the way Emma would look at her, and in the comfortable silence they fell in while folding baby clothes, she could admit that she had never been happier.
A few weeks before, the nursery had been a mess. Newspapers were scattered all over the floor and there were more clothes with paint stains than tricks to try and remove them. Now, it looked almost heavenly.
From the walls to the furniture, everything was in creamy tones with details in dark red. The changing table had the back walls of the shelves painted dark red, as well as its handles and the wardrobe's. The mop board, door and window frames were also dark red, but everything else was in a yellowish tone. It reminded Regina of her own childhood room, where she spent so much time playing alone and creating a new world all to herself. She wished to replicate all the happy memories, leaving all the hurt and bruises behind her in another land. Even the same castle and forest paintings had been put on the walls, almost as if telling a story to Coraline's sleepy eyes. It gave the room a somewhat serious tone, which was all Regina, but Emma had given her touch to the room as well as Henry.
To say Emma had been obsessed with cloth dolls would be an understatement. She didn't own many – she had two, to be exact, but it had been her passion ever since she got her first one. It was a Goldilocks doll, with bright yellow hair and round red pieces of fabric stitched to her cheeks. Her foster parents gave it to her on her second birthday, and it had been a precious possession ever since. Now it was placed neatly on one of the shelves lining on a wall. So far, she had gotten eleven dolls, all in different forms and colors, and they sit beside teddy bears that Regina had insisted in getting.
Henry was the one to build a little library to his younger sister. He tried to stick with soft and squishy cloth books, but he couldn't help but get some of his favorites in there too. Coraline already had her own copy of virtually all the fairytale books Henry could find, as well as the new edition of the book, with all the added parts.
In the corner, there was a miniature castle, with squishy bits and soft colors. It was the first actual toy they had bought for their daughter, and it seemed nothing short of perfect.
Taking in the sight, Emma couldn't stop grinning, the task of folding baby clothes half forgotten. She could picture Regina feeding their newborn daughter who would be wearing one of the headbands they had gotten her, the one with white flowers and pink details. She could almost see Coraline crawling towards her castle, or sitting against Henry's chest as he read for her. It was almost as if she was hearing the cutest little girl giggling, or calling them when she learned how to talk, and babbling to no end before that.
Regina looked at her and couldn't help but smiling as well, almost as if it was an automatic reaction, "What are you thinking about?"
"Coraline," Emma replied, snapping out of her reverie and focusing on folding a tiny dress, "And how amazing it will be to see her, and hold her, and hear her giggling or calling our names… Calling us mommy and momma."
Regina's hand touched the top of her swollen belly, as it always did when they were talking about Coraline.
"You do know that she'll keep us up at night for a long while and we'll become something very close to zombies, do you not?"
"I do." Emma got up and leaned to give Regina's lips a quick peck, "And I can't wait for it."
It would be foolish to say she wasn't. They both were. Only a few more months and they'd hold their little baby, they would finally meet their daughter.
Emma wandered around the room before finding a bag she had placed near the crib earlier. Reaching into it, she got the first item – a ultrasound picture, framed in matching colors with the decoration.
"Where do we put it?" Emma smile went wide as she saw the look of surprise on her wife's face. They had glued a copy of it on a scrapbook they were keeping of Coraline, but Regina didn't know that Emma had gotten another copy framed.
Pointing up, to the shelf with the cloth dolls, Regina felt her eyes teary, joy struggling to be let out in a way that had become very common lately.
Emma sat in the arm rest of Regina's chair and wrapped her arm around the brunette's shoulders, both admiring the framed ultrasound picture. It looked so right, it felt so perfect.
Breathing had never felt so difficult.
Emma felt every lungful of air struggling to pass through her too tight throat, as if someone was choking her, slim fingers digging into soft flesh and cutting out any source of oxygen. Her lungs felt like they were burning and she felt dizzy, but it crossed her mind that maybe she would never be okay again.
Slumped on a chair and bent forwards, she had her elbows digging into her knees, the heels of her hands pressed hard on her eyes, nails scraping her skull hard enough to leave marks.
Focusing on anything felt painful, but she didn't want to let her mind wander - experience had taught her better than that. Emma let her body fall back on the chair, the plastic digging uncomfortably on her shoulder but she couldn't find it within her to move.
Not when her gaze is locked on the bump under the covers.
Her mind was blank and yet incredibly acute. She felt numb, but her insides were torn apart.
She wanted to ignore the fact that nothing could be done, that their daughter was just gone. But even closing her eyes and wishing with all her will that she would just pretend was not enough. The simple fact that there was only one heart monitor sound in the room screamed the intolerable truth at her. She found herself longing for that fast, drumming sound they had heard only a few days ago during Regina's last appointment. It had been a healthy sound, a sound full of life and promises.
But all that was left was silence.
Except for Regina's heartbeat, which remained slower than usual.
No one in the staff had an explanation for her "slumber". Whale assured Emma that physically, Regina was fine. They got her blood pressure under control, whatever fluid need she might have was being taken care of through an IV bag, and she had no fever or worrisome vitals. Nothing explained why she wouldn't simply wake up, because this was "inconsistent with coma", whatever the hell that meant. Emma thought that maybe they had explained it, but the words didn't reach her in her foggy state of mind.
She needs Regina to come back to her. She needs her.
With the most intense dread in her heart, Emma reached out for Regina's hand, sliding her fingers under a warm palm, enclosing her hand gently. The ever growing lump in her throat was getting hard to swallow past, and she brought their joined hands to her mouth, pressing her knuckles to her lips, silently begging her to come back.
As her breathing deepened and her own heart slowed down, a memory came to the front of her mind. They were in bed, the morning sun casting a golden light through their bedroom. Regina had been sleeping and Emma held her hand between both of her, kissing each knuckle and giggling softly as the brunette dug her nails into the back of her hand, "This habit of yours is starting to irritate me quite deeply" to what Emma's only response was "Will you marry me?"
Emma felt her mind clearing as Regina's fingers clenched hers, chestnut eyes widening, staring at the blonde in a way that made her feel like her wife was looking right through her. Regina found green eyes full of tears threatening to escape from her weak self-control, and her face constricted in what was the most unbearable pleading look Emma had ever seen.
As she watched the air being knocked out of Regina's lungs, Emma understood that she knew. And in that strange, floating second, she finds herself having the most selfish thought of all. 'I don't have to tell her.'
The stillness of the moment was gone in a second when she abruptly moved, her fingers leaving Emma's as she brings both her hands to her stomach. The movement was so harsh that her IV pole shook on the other side of the bed, and her heartbeat was anything but slow.
It'd only increased with every passing second, her breathing loud and panicked.
"Emma," Regina breathed out, looking more distraught than ever, her chin trembling with upcoming sobs. "I can't feel her." Silent tears started rolling down her cheeks, and it was atrocious to know that they were only the first of many, many more to come. "Emma, I don't feel her anymore."
Panting in absolute terror, Regina looked up at the woman standing beside her bed with matching tears staining her cheeks. Emma wanted to comfort her somehow, but she knew that no matter what she said, Regina would be broken beyond repair, more so than ever before in her life. "Regina…"
"Please," she whispered, pleading for Emma to say that she was wrong, that their baby was fine and they'd take a baby girl home with them. Emma almost caved in and gave what Regina asked so desperately – hope. But she couldn't do such thing, it would be too cruel. Even crueler than to say she was carrying someone who would never breathe or smile to her.
Emma watched impassive as Regina bolted up in bed to a sitting position, her vitals spiking, her heart beat rising to an impossible rate. The heart monitor drummed in Emma's ears, leaving her speechless and useless. She had to do something, but at the sight of the almighty Evil Queen hugging herself, trying to keep her being from falling to pieces, Emma choked on a sob that shook all her body.
The glass doors opened and Whale rushed in along with a few nurses. They tried to hold Regina back and make her lie down, telling her in a soothing voice that such harsh movements would only worsen her condition. Emma almost laughed to those words.
As if anything could be worse than carrying a stillborn.
Injecting something in her IV, Whale looked up at the monitor, whispering a few hushed words to a nurse about Regina's blood pressure and how she might soon develop a fever.
Never letting go of her bump, Regina gave in and laid down, glassy eyes fixated on the ceiling above, hot salty tears stinging her eyes and falling nonstop, soaking her hair and pillow. Emma felt weak, almost nauseous with that sight.
Because Regina didn't sob, ever.
She'd hold her feelings in as much as she could, put on a mask whenever she was able to. There were times when her eyes would be constantly glistening with upcoming tears - especially when she and Henry were having bad times. But she would rarely ever let them fall.
To see her body shaking with sobs made Emma feel like she would collapse.
Taking a deep steadying breath that came out shaky and loud, Regina looked at Emma with the same pleading eyes she had looked at Henry at the mines, too many years ago. This look might have meant something else back then, but it still cut through Emma to see how much pain Regina could store within her.
Emma took her hand when she offered it, holding it tightly, enduring the pain that nails clawing into her flesh could cause. Because that was nothing compared to what Regina was going through, what she would have to go through. And, what she was putting herself through, Emma thought when Regina looked away from her.
She knew what her next words would be. Because she knew Regina and she knew that she'd never go down without a fight. Even though she could feel that their daughter was no longer moving within her, she couldn't just accept it. Emma prayed to every god she could think of and almost asked out loud Regina not to utter those words. The answer to her question would make her fall apart.
"How's my baby?"
Sitting lazily on her armchair with her feet up, resting on another chair with a bunch of pillows, Regina noticed how swollen she had gotten in the last weeks. She could barely fit her feet into most of her favorite shoes - not that she could really wear high heels these days - and her fingers were almost twice as big, causing her slim hand to look like a child's, with baby fat making it round and soft.
Most of her job was filling paperwork and dealing with short men with mustaches that wanted to dig Storybrooke's history to try and find something that explained why they hadn't heard of it until now. And that she could do at home, where the coffee she served them was better and she could wear maternity clothes without feeling like she was 400 pounds.
Wearing an empire waist maternity dress, she eye sided the bag containing a denim overall Emma had insisted she would look amazing in. It wasn't tacky, as she had supposed it would be. But she wasn't about to give up her classy dresses and the well fitted maternity suits she had had designed to her just because those green eyes were glistening while talking about the piece of clothing Regina would never dream to wear.
Or maybe, she'd try it on later tonight.
Sliding the glasses from her face, Regina mindlessly signed the endless criminal report Charming had written as the town's deputy that made her wonder what seven hells was going on outside her door, putting it aside and turning her full attention to her son.
Henry, who was laying on his stomach, propped up on his elbows, had his storybook in front of him. The cover was frayed and it had lost most of its glazed appearance, but it was almost twice as thick as it used to be.
"And just when everyone had lost their faith and Henry had accepted that he'd lose everyone he'd ever loved, the Savior stands in front of the former Evil Queen and says in a broken, hopeful tone, 'You may not be strong enough, but maybe we are'." Henry's teenage voice broke when he tried to reach a higher tone that was supposed to be Emma's, but it made Regina smile all the same.
Although Henry had always shown an interest towards reading, and an obsession towards this book in particular, he had begun writing his own stories a few years back. When they came back from Neverland, Regina would find him typing furiously on his computer way past bed time and he'd say he had to write it all down before he forgot the details.
And he did wrote a very thought out book of his adventures on that foreign land, featuring the Lost Boys and Peter Pan, and at least ten pages of pure description of Tinker Bell, who Regina had reasons to believe had been Henry's first crush.
After that, he spent several weeks locked in his room, typing on a paper that resembled parchment with August's typewriter Gepetto had given him. Then, a few more drawing on them, trying his best to stay as loyal to the initial work as possible.
Henry fiercely believed that a book could only ever end with a happy ending. And that was why he wrote the story of how Emma broke the curse, how the Evil Queen redeemed herself, how the Jolly Roger crew rescued him from Neverland - which contained less details than his other book and a shameless self-promotion in the last page -, how his moms had gotten together and it ended with Snow White and Prince Charming's second child being born.
The last page was a picture of the couple holding their baby daughter wrapped up in a blanket very similar to the one Emma was found with, but with pink lace instead of purple and 'Anna' sewed on it, and in the background you could see Neal and Ruby, Rumple and Belle, Hook holding a little girl's hand beside Jefferson, and Emma and Regina holding hands with Henry beside them.
And now Henry had been reading to his little sister every night.
Regina let her head rest back on the chair and closed her eyes, listening to her son reading the part where they jumped into a portal after him. It was one of her favorite parts, and his interpretation of Hook was priceless.
Hearing the door unlock and boots being taken off carelessly, she cringed. Even after all this time living there, Emma still hadn't learned to put her shoes on the rack by the door and it still angered Regina to no end. At least her jacket would stay on the hanger rather than on top of the table.
Regina could hear footsteps on the wooden floor, Emma was searching for them. When Regina heard her jumping up the stairs, Henry shouted, "In the office, Ma!"
Heavy footsteps were heard as Emma ran through the hall to the study, who arrived rather flushed on the room. "Am I late for dinner? Charm- My dad kept me on the station. He still thinks Storybrooke needs more guards. I don't know how he can think this town is dangerous when we haven't arrested anyone for three months. Not even Leroy!"
The soft and calm air that filled the office shifted to a hectic, almost breathless one as Emma paced from the door to the couch, where she lifted Henry's legs, who was laying on his back now, and sat down, putting them down on her lap. She took a deep breath and ran her fingers through her hair, as mother and son stared blankly at her.
"No, dear, you're not late for dinner. In case you haven't checked your watch, it's barely six." Regina rolled her eyes amusedly. Emma had been particularly careful about being on time lately, and Regina thanked her mood swings for that. After all, last week, they'd have a two-hour argument on her lack of care on letting her wife knows she'd be late when she had arrived home half past five.
"You're late for Coraline's story time, though. I just finished this chapter," Henry pouted at her, gesturing to his book opened on the page with a Jolly Roger's drawing.
"I'm late for what now?"
Henry glared at her and Regina watched delighted as he rolled her eyes dramatically and said in a sassy voice, "How come you don't know? Oh, right... you're never here when I'm reading!"
"Hey, kid. Tone your inner mayor down, would ya?" Emma nudged him on the ribs, thankful to see a smile growing wider on her wife's lips. "I know you wrote your book and all, but you never told me you were reading to your sister. That's on you."
He was speechless for a moment before looking at Regina, "Right… It started as a secret… Between me and my mom," Emma was beyond happy with Henry having secret meeting with Regina and she didn't even try to hide her joy when Henry looked back at her, ashamed. "You said it was bullshit to read to someone's belly, so…"
"Henry, language!" Regina rose to a more up straight position, dropping her feet to the ground and holding her stomach with her two hands, as if to cover Coraline's ears, "And care to explain why you feel like that, dear?"
Giving Henry a stare that could burn him into ashes, Emma replied shyly, "Not really…"
Cringing a little upon revealing something Emma had told him in secrecy, Henry jumped from the couch and reached out to Regina to help her up, babbling as he did so to keep her from scolding Emma on the effects of reading to an unborn child and how it was a bonding time between Henry and Coraline - they've heard it all before.
"Come on, mom. You promised we'd make pizza when Ma came home, so let's go. Can I help with the dough? I wanna learn how to cook, can you teach me that? Also can we have pepperoni pizza? I know you'll make a broccoli one but I really want a pepperoni pizza. Unless it makes you have your morning sickness thing, then we can eat whatever you want. I'll even eat that pumpkin pizza you made once, just put more cheese on it. Remember, good pizza is cheesy pizza. Like New York's pizza!"
"Kid, slow down!" Emma had barely managed to get herself to her feet and Henry didn't seem to even need to catch his breath.
He looked at her over his shoulder as he pulled Regina up, saying in an almost theatrical whisper, "I'm trying to keep her from yelling at you. You should be thanking me."
Letting go of his hands, Regina smoothed imaginary wrinkles from her dress and rolled her eyes, "Subtlety has never really been your strong suit, Henry. And Emma is aware of how important is it for Coraline to hear your voice." She lifted her gaze to Emma, who was shifting uncomfortable, "Both of your voices. Now, go on and get the ingredients. You'll be making a pepperoni pizza all by yourself tonight. Just make sure to wash your hands first."
Leaving them behind, Henry shouted a "'kay" over his shoulder as he ran to the kitchen. Regina had busied herself trying to fit her swollen feet in the flip flops she borrowed from Henry – two sizes too big and with thick strings instead of delicate ones, but it was better than trying to walk around barefoot or wearing too tight shoes.
When she lifted her head from her shoes, Emma was dangerously near her. Regina raised her eyebrows, daring her to say anything about Henry's reading to their baby, but Emma just leaned in and kissed her.
Making a point to purse her lips for a moment, Regina gave in to the kiss, lifting her hand to tangle in golden locks as Emma touched her belly gently. They parted, but remained close, almost breathing the same air as Emma spoke softly, "Can I read a bed story for her tonight?"
Regina smiled and nodded, once again blaming her crazy hormones for the tears that filled her eyes.
Regina struggled to make her sight focus on the doctor standing in front of her bed. She felt dizzy, her head weightless and impassive to the spinning walls. With a vague sense of being held, she knew Emma had a hand on her arm, but she couldn't feel it.
She couldn't feel anything.
Nothing apart excruciating sorrow that ate her from the inside out.
Digging her nails deeper in the soft flesh of Emma's hand underneath them, forcing herself to physically have a grip on something, she finally discerned Whale's features and she saw it, that look that was supposed to be sympathetic. Even if it went against everything she had ever been, she couldn't be less bothered by his pity.
Her eyes were on Dr. Whale, her breathing too loud, her eyes silently pleading the man, someone she had entrusted with her baby's health months ago, to tell her that everything was fine. But he offered no comfort.
Walking quietly to the chair opposite Emma's, Whale checked Regina's vitals that were still worrisome, but apparently he decided against postponing that dreadful conversation. Regina watched as he glanced from the screen to Emma, who had tear stains on her cheeks, and back to her.
As the ever beeping sound muffled to nothing but a humming, she brought her hands once again to the base of her huge bump, trying with all she had to will her baby to kick, to move, to comfort her in a way that only that unborn child could.
"Regina," Whale said softly, forgetting all about formalities that stayed with him throughout every appointment, "Do you remember what happened?"
Releasing Emma's hand to wipe her face with a weak, trembling hand, Regina shook her head. "I… I went to bed," she whispers, dreading what he'd say next.
She had been sleeping much more than usual as her pregnancy progressed, so she had gone to bed early - as in 8:30 kind of early, leaving the dishes to Emma, who had still to write a budget report that night.
Emma's hand found her swollen bump as she kissed her goodnight, teasing her about going to bed earlier than their son would. Regina barely bothered to roll her eyes, walking slowly towards the stairs and saying over her shoulder, "It'd be wise of you to sleep earlier too, dear. In a few weeks, you'll not be able to."
Whale nodded slowly. "At some point between that time and when Emma came into the room, your water broke. She wasn't able to wake you up, that's why you were brought here." He paused - that silence before the inevitable crush. "We couldn't find a heartbeat, nothing could be done. I'm so sorry, your baby died."
Regina shouldn't have been caught so off guard by those words because she already knew that. Even if denial was clouding her judgment, she knew from the moment she woke up in a hospital bed with Emma crying in silent shortcut sobs that they had lost their daughter.
But she wasn't in any way prepared to hear it out loud.
She couldn't have been. No one could ever be ready to listen to the doctor who assured they'd have a healthy baby girl just a couple of days ago announce her death.
Whale might as well had announced her own, because that was how she felt - dead. And yet, somewhere between the horrified shock that knocked the air out of her lungs, she had never felt her senses so sharp. Regina could feel every inch of her skin tingling with agony, her heart pounding insanely fast within her chest, her lungs burning with the lack of air, but she couldn't breathe.
Even with all the years of sorrow Regina had endured, she reacted the way any mother would react upon hearing that her child had died – breaking.
Her entire being began to shake with pain and silent sobs, one of her hands firmly resting upon her stomach, almost in a shielding gesture, while the other was up to her face, yet not really touching it as she rocked herself back and forth in a self-soothing motion, shaking her head. A strangled sob rose from her chest and she couldn't have stopped all the misery that filled the room even if she'd tried to.
After an endless moment, she brought her hand down, looking at Emma. Her glassy stare at Regina's belly made it clear that she'd deal with it the only way she knew how - running. But Regina clenched her hand around Emma's arm, pleading with her tear filled eyes and choked sounds for her to not leave, not this time.
As green eyes found brown ones, both sharing the same untold pain, and Emma's fingers clasped over her hand resting on her belly, Regina knew she wouldn't leave, not now, not ever.
With her gaze still locked with Emma's, Regina forced a strangled whisper out, "What happened?"
Neither woman wanted to look at Whale because they knew what they'd find - a cold blank mask that showed no compassion. At least in each other's eyes, they could hope to find some resemblance of strength.
"We can't be sure yet, nothing is evident enough to explain it. It could just be an accident. But your irregular blood pressure when you came in makes us think of preeclampsia, though it seems unlikely." Whale's voice was annoyingly soft, as if he was unaware that he was witnessing their brand new world shattering all around them.
"I don't understand…" Regina hugged herself tighter, still crying with the most heartbreaking look on her face. "Everything was perfectly fine at our last appointment. I could feel her moving when I-" But she had to stop, seeming to break down all over again.
"I know it's hard, Regina, and I promise you'll get answers once the baby is born," Whale said then, which caused Regina to tear her eyes from Emma's and stare at the doctor, looking almost confused, though it went unnoticed to him, "Now, normally in this situation, when there's no underlying risk for the mother, the parents can decide when they want labor to be induced. But your water broke, which means you could naturally go into labor, and that could take up to a few days. That's why we'd rather induce you tonight, to avoid any risk of infection."
Regina closed her eyes, leaning into Emma, looking defeated. "I have to give birth tonight…" she whispered. "Naturally."
She was saying the words out loud to make sure she wasn't making them up more than questioning them. Her grip on Emma's arm was strong enough to bruise, but it was the only thing holding her together. Emma's eyes darted from her to Whale with white rage shining in them, but Regina knew that desperation were just one step away from anger.
"We'll induce you tonight, but there's no saying when you'll give birth. It really depends on how your body will react to the drugs." Whale got up to prepare the drugs for the process, unaware that he completely missed the point in what Regina had said.
Emma remained quiet and powerless as Regina retrieved her hand from her arm, unable to do anything but stare at Regina as she sat there, arms around herself, crushed, tears slipping out from under her closed eyelids.
Covering a yawn with her hand, Emma almost fell down the stairs in her semi-conscious state.
She had awaken to someone trying to knock the house down. Her first instinct was to grab her gun on her nightstand and roll over to see if Regina had heard it too. But at the sight of empty cold messy covers thrown carelessly aside, fear made her eyes go wide and she jumped out of bed before glancing at the clock.
It was almost four in the morning and, now that she was somewhat aware of her surroundings, the sound that roused her from sleep was nothing more than kitchenware. Regina was eating. Of course. Her unquenchable appetite was driving her insane, not only because she had to eat every two hours, but mostly because their baby wouldn't accept all the healthy foods she forced them all to eat.
Tripping in the last step of the stairs and almost bumping into the wall, Emma shouted as she made her way from the lobby to the kitchen, "Regina, what the hell? It's four in the morning! Can't you-"
Taking in the scene in front of her as she reached the kitchen, Emma couldn't say another word as she was too busy trying to not let her jaw drop. Regina was sitting with her legs crossed under her, elbows firmly attached to the table as she bit a gigantic chunk off the burger she was holding in hand.
There was food scattered all over the table. In the plate in front of Regina, another burger was waiting for her to finish the first one. A bowl of popcorn sat next to French fries and strawberry milkshake. Discarded aside, there were slices of whole wheat bread, veggies sticks and hummus to dip them in.
Narrowing her eyes to Emma as if daring her to speak, Regina chewed aggressively before swallowing and gulping on the milkshake, "For your own sake, do not comment on this."
Emma merely smiled, her annoyance for being awake so early dissipating as she walked towards the table, sitting in front of Regina. She had her mouth full again, and as she grabbed some fries, her cheeks filled with food like a five year old, Emma thought she couldn't ask for a more beautiful sight.
Watching Regina finish her burger, Emma reached for fries at the same time her wife reached for the next one in her plate. Before she could touch the fries, Regina slapped her hand away, mumbling "Not yours" as she took a chunk out of her second burger.
Laughing, Emma got up and turned the coffee machine on. Since she was already up, she better be awake up to witness what was most likely to be a once in a lifetime event.
Getting herself a steaming cup of coffee, she sat back down in front of Regina, who was already halfway through the burger. Emma couldn't take her smile away from her lips, noticing a bit of ketchup on Regina's cheek, the way she chewed on her food contrasting dramatically to her silky pajamas and coiffed hair.
As she watched Regina go through all the greasy items displayed in front of her, Emma couldn't help but imagine what that baby would be like.
Henry had been all Regina for ten years, and Emma getting into his life changed that a bit. But his manners, politeness, tidiness and healthy habits were a flashing neon sign of Regina's influence on his life, even if Emma covered up for his sneak outs and taught him how to pick a lock.
But this child would be raised for both of them.
Images clear as day imprinted themselves in her mind.
A raven-haired little girl with a blue dress similar to the one Regina wore the day Emma wrecked her apple tree, her dark hair in a tight braid and her face all covered in chocolate ice cream that Emma would have slipped to her before dinner. A nine year old with skinned knees because a boy pushed her from the swing, choking back tears and narrowing her eyes, saying he would regret it with a mayoral tone. A preteen with dark hair chopped unevenly, wearing a rock band t-shirt and saying big words.
Hearing her name being called brought her down from her reverie and she hummed in acknowledgement, lifting her eyes to look at the woman in front of her. Regina was impeccable once again, with no ketchup on her face and all the dishes neatly piled to one side. Emma smiled and breathed out almost relieved; her wife was herself again.
The fact that Regina Mills had been eating burgers and fries at four in the morning hadn't left her mind yet. When she was about to ask what the hell had been that meal, seeing that Regina seemed well fed and less cranky, she watched Regina dropping her head to her hands, sighing defeated.
"I'm so full" Regina grunted, sounding almost regretful. She met Emma's curious eyes, but before the blonde could ask anything, Regina waved at her, motioning to explain, and "I have been awake since two in the morning trying to find a healthier way to soothe this ridiculous craving I woke up with." Emma smiled into her cup as Regina pushed her hair back, as if she couldn't believe she had eaten something Emma Swan could cook. "Burgers, Emma. Your daughter made me crave burgers"
Emma gave up trying to hide her smile that only grew wider of pure joy, "When she pisses you off, she is my daughter? Is that how it's gonna work?" Her smile turned into a soft laugh as Regina narrowed her eyes to her, slumping back into her chair.
"I believed these cravings to be nothing but foolish, but my mouth would water with the simple thought of that disgusting excuse for a meal you are so used to" sounding almost defeated for having succumbed to such thing, Regina looked up at Emma, who had the decency to half hide her smile. "I exerted all resources I could imagine. I baked sweet potatoes and homemade burger at three in the morning! But nothing would sate this little girl's will."
"You know an infallible plan to get rid of these cravings? Giving in to them." Emma chuckled as Regina's face turned from hopeful to slightly angry. Emma was having a lot of fun with Regina's cravings – her favorite was the couple of days Regina couldn't keep anything down but chocolate cake. "Remind me to thank the girl when she's born. Only she could make you eat burgers, fries and milkshake in the middle of the night."
Rolling her eyes, stuffed beyond saying and too tired to come up with a proper answer, Regina tried and failed to keep her voice free of the joy she was feeling, "As long as Coraline doesn't refuse to eat her vegetables, I believe eating poorly for a while won't make me unhealthy."
Gesturing for Emma to come help her up, Regina felt Cora happily moving inside of her. And to feel those tiny feet kicking her she'd eat a thousand burgers. "I'm sure you won't let our girl forget that she made you eat junk food."
"You can bet on it."
Regina hadn't let go of her belly for even a moment.
She couldn't bring herself to stop looking for the faintest kick, the smallest movement, any sign at all to indicate that her baby was still with her.
A nurse had come in less than half an hour ago to set up her IV drip with Pitocin along with saline to ease it into her body that was nowhere near to start producing the hormones she needed to give birth. It was probably a good thing that she had already an IV needle in her arm dripping in fluids and medications for her blood pressure. There was no way Regina would allow anyone to take her arms from around her stomach so they could poke her.
Climbing in bed with her, Emma had her arms wrapped around Regina's sobbing figure. She felt so small, her head laying on Emma's chest, tears running freely down her cheeks, hands in fists, clenching her hospital gown. Emma was stroking her hair in a desperate attempt to soothe her, but she could feel the tears Emma hadn't been able to wipe away fast enough falling on the top of her head.
This was a mistake. Just one week prior the nurse had picked up a heartbeat without a hitch, there was just no way Coraline could be dead.
But then, she didn't feel her anymore. Ever since she found out she was pregnant, Regina had been able to feel her baby at all times, know when her mood shifted or she was under distress. Even when the tiny baby was sleeping, she could feel her presence, the slow rocking of another body inside her own.
Now, she didn't feel anything.
Regina sunk into Emma's touch and felt the blonde's throat shaking with contained sobs. Closing her eyes, she couldn't help feeling the sharp pang of guilt that hit her. That burden sit heavy on her shoulders and she knew she was the reason why Emma's world was falling apart.
Because she couldn't keep their baby safe.
Suddenly, Emma's body felt strange sitting next to her own and she put a distance between them, just enough to look up at her. Puffy reddened green eyes stared back at her, and another twinge of pain shot through her when she saw her sorrow reflected on them. She couldn't handle it.
"Emma…" her voice was hoarse and low, and Emma would've missed it if she weren't standing so close, "Could you give me a moment alone? Please."
As soon as Regina uttered the words, she wished she could take them back. Regina could almost see the air being knocked out of Emma's lungs because she had assured her in whispered words that they'd go through it together. All the way.
"I'll be right outside," climbing down the bed, Emma kissed her forehead and stroke her swollen belly. Regina didn't try to contain the heartbreaking sob that rose from her chest.
It had become a habit of Emma's, to always caress her belly before leaving. And their baby always answered with a kick.
Not this time.
Emma locked the door behind her and Regina let an anguished scream to be released from her throat, a desperate attempt to free herself from the overwhelming tightness in her chest that wouldn't let her breathe.
Her head lolled on the pillow as she bawled, the tears burning their way down her cheeks, her despairing cry filling the heavy silence of the room. Regina clutched her belly and wished for it all to be a lie more than she had wished for anything ever before. Deep down she knew it was oh so true, because her voice was scratchy and the walls were closing in on her.
No one walked in, no one tried to soothe her because they knew there was no way to do so. She was broken. And there was no coming back from this.
She was carrying someone who would never open her eyes to the sunrise or breathe in the smell of fresh baked apple pie. Her daughter would never see his brother's messy hair or how Emma's smile could brighten up the entire house. She would never roll around and start crawling, would never have tummy time with all the joy she deserved, would never take her first steps, learn her first words. Coraline would never fall in love, and she would never know how much she was loved.
All that because Regina couldn't keep her safe.
Her body shook with another desperate cry that rose from her chest, and for a moment, a split second, Regina believed she felt something. The faintest of kicks. But as she settled her hand on the top of her belly, trying to keep her hiccups at bay, Regina knew she was just kidding herself. She could think of ten reasons why the doctors would have been wrong, and how they could've gone wrong, but deep down she could feel it, that nothingness that gripped at her with its claws and took all her will to breathe with it as it shoved the undeniable truth on her face.
Her baby girl was gone.
Gripping the tear stained pillow with such strength she could feel her nails threatening to break, Regina muffled a scream that came with the thought that invaded her mind. It was so obvious, so painfully obvious that she was surprised she hadn't realized it sooner.
It was her fault.
Regina could only blame herself. She was the one responsible for taking care of her daughter before she was ready to face the world on her own. Coraline depended on no one else other than she, and she could have sworn that she was doing it all right. She had eaten lots of greens and veggies, took vitamin pills, exercised lightly and regularly, been to the doctor on every appointment. She had read every book she could put her hands on and listened to every advice she thought reasonable. But obviously, she had gone wrong at some point.
And in that moment, that was what hit her. The realization felt like a punch in the throat, taking her breath away. As she let go of the pillow and embraced herself, sinking her nails into her skin with such strength she would have noticed she blood if she wasn't so heavy with guilty and regret.
How could she ever wished to bear a child, if her heart was tiny and blackened? Giving birth to a child was something too pure for her doomed soul, and someone with her past could never be granted such joy. She had taken so many lives, made so many people miserable that now she was paying the price. The universe was taking her child from her, because she had taken everything from everyone else.
It was her fault that her baby, that an unborn infant was dead inside her womb. Because she was rotten from the inside.
There was no happiness left for her in this life and she just wanted to die, because the price she had to pay was too high. Regina wiped away her tears, feeling like she didn't have the right to cry. But that didn't keep her tears at bay, didn't keep her throat from shaking with incoming sobs. Every inch of her body was tingling with pain and agony, the feeling you have when you are at the verge of going insane.
Regina knew she would've to pay the price for all the lives she had taken, but she never imagine what toll destiny would take.
Mindlessly muttering something under her breath, reality hit her.
After all the hurt and pain she had caused, it wasn't enough that she had lost her baby. She would have to go through deliver. She would have to go through the most excruciating pain a woman could feel. The contractions would start any moment now, and in a few hours she'd be dilated enough to give birth to a baby girl. Maybe some nurse would cheer her up, saying she was doing great.
And then Coraline would come to this world.
Regina would get to hold her daughter, but she'd never feel her move. Maybe even get to dress her with one of the clothes Emma and her bought to their baby girl, but they'd never hear her crying.
She would see her daughter. But she'd never get to be her mother.
Holding her swollen stomach tight and rocking back and forth, the words she was whispering made sense to her ears, after all.
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry… I'm sorry… I'm sorry"
"Tummy time?" Emma stopped with her brush on the air, dripping paint on the newspaper covered floor, "What the hell is tummy time, Regina?"
Repressing an eye roll, Regina dropped her brush back on the bucket and cleaned her hands on a towel before putting them on her waist. "An exercise, dear" She would look bossy if she weren't wearing a denim overall and a red bandana holding her hair back. "Babies need to lay on their belly for a short while every day, to strengthen neck muscles, for one."
Emma hummed in agreement. It made sense, and Regina sure as hell had more experience with babies than she did. "How was tummy time for the kid?"
Sitting on the ground, Henry was too busy applying dark red paint on the baseboard to notice how Regina gave him one of her smiles that she saved just for him, "Oh, Henry used to have a blast" Hearing his name, the boy lifted his eyes to meet his mom's, and he was taken aback by the warmth he found in those chestnut eyes, "Every morning, I'd lay him on his stomach, right after bathing. And he'd lay flat on his face for a few moments before lifting his head, trembling so much and waving his tiny arms, trying to find balance".
Tearing her eyes from his, Regina picked up her brush again, soaking it into ivory colored paint and returning her task of painting over the spots Emma had missed. It was a long time before she talked again, and both her wife and son knew she was trying to compose herself. The Mayor had been extremely emotional lately, rightfully blaming the hormones flooding her system. Once she was almost certain that her voice wouldn't come out choked, Regina continued her little story.
"At first, I was worried about how much he was struggling to keep his head up. But after a while, he'd find it within him to hold his head up from the moment I put him on bed, and he'd look at me with those big hazel eyes while I'd tell him a story and get him dressed." She turned to meet Henry's gaze with tears threatening to fall from her eyes, but the warm smile she gave him let him know it would be happy tears. "We bonded a lot during tummy time. It was when you first giggled."
Being in that awkward teenage stage where he couldn't stand show any affection but couldn't help feeling it, Henry smiled back while getting up and blurted out, "I gotta go pee" before storming out of the nursery.
Walking towards her wife and wrapping her arms around her waist, Emma placed a soft kiss on her lips, feeling her cheek damp with fresh tears against hers and a smile against her lips that never faded.
"Wanna bet our daughter is gonna have the best tummy time ever?" Emma got a matching smile, just as warm, as she pictured a baby boy shaking his head like those toys you see in cabs. "Can you imagine it? Henry telling her stories, you making goofy faces I'm dying to see and I... Well, I can change her. Or just stay there and watch, because I'm sure as it's gonna be cute as hell."
"Language, Emma." Regina made a point to get curse words away from Emma's vocabulary before their second child arrived to this world, so she'd murmur "language" every time something slipped. But she couldn't and wouldn't keep her smile away from the scene Emma had just described to her.
Hearing Henry's footsteps, they tore apart and returned to their tasks. Though the boy was more than okay having two moms - and a dad, and eight grandparents, and more relatives than he could count -, he didn't like to see those intimate moments between them.
Grabbing his brush from the ground and halfheartedly returning to his task, Henry spoke almost mindlessly, "Have you guys thought of a name yet?"
Both Emma and Regina turned their gaze to the back of his black AC/DC shirt. Emma had never had the mind to wonder what their kid would be named, mostly because, when she was pregnant with Henry, she tried with everything she had got to not think about names - she couldn't bond with him in that level if she was planning to give him away. Regina had known what Henry's name would be from the moment she asked for a boy - she never even thought about girl names or any other boy name.
An awkward silence followed, both women slightly terrified to admit that they, honestly, haven't thought of that.
"I like Coraline" Henry said after the silence had gone on too long and right before he dropped his brush, splashing dark red paint on the freshly painted creamy wall. "I never met my... grandma?" It always took him more than a moment to place every one of his relatives. "But if she'd had her heart in the right place, she'd been a good person, I guess. Maybe this Cora can be less of a..." He had to bite his tongue to not let the word 'bitch' fall from his mouth, "This Cora will be more loving."
Regina choked back tears. It had been years, but the image of Cora feeling a motherly love for her for the first time less than a minute before she died was imprinted in her mind's eye. "Coraline fits." She looked at Emma, as if asking for her approval. Regina wanted to do this right. She wanted to show this Cora that love was anything but a weakness. That the more you loved, the stronger you were.
Emma seemed to get that idea, because she took Regina's hand in hers and placed them on her bump.
"Coraline it is."
Regina didn't speak a lot that night. She was just as quiet as the rest of the world. But whenever she utter any words, it's heartbreaking.
"No epidural," she said to the nurse with a small shake of her head, her voice throaty as if she had been screaming her lungs out, when she had barely spoken at all.
The nurse offered her a grave yet sympathetic look. Emma, who had entered the room a few moments ago, looked too shocked to do anything but hold her wife's hand. Her eyes were widened and a bit glazed, as if the screams that brought her back into the room still echoed in her mind – Regina had screamed her name when she found herself feeling more alone than she'd ever felt.
Emma had given her space, but Regina didn't want to be alone. She didn't want to do this at all, and the thought of going any other second without Emma by her side was simply unfathomable.
Now her fingers curled around the blonde's, tightening with every shaky breath. They had talked about delivery options, of course, but it had been as far as researching methods like water birth, and she had quickly said she wouldn't do an epidural. She had said that everyone back at the Enchanted Forest had delivered their babies without any kind of drugs, and that she would do fine without it too.
Her reason for not wanting the epidural in the first place was still valid, but she knew her motives had changed.
This wasn't about a drug. This was about numbing the pain of childbirth, and she wouldn't allow herself that kind of relief. Not when she was drowning in guilt, knowing that her body was incapable of keeping her child safe from her own dangers.
"Are you sure?" the nurse asked, with a somewhat concerned voice, "Labor pains are extremely painful"
Regina just shook her head, her eyes hazy and almost empty as they were fixated at nowhere in particular, "I'm fine," her voice is hollow as well, almost as if all the life within her was leaking out.
The nurse sighed and then, sat on Regina's bed. Emma looked up at her and feel Regina loosening the grip on her hand, the brunette turning her head and meeting the nurse's gaze.
"Look," the nurse began, gravely yet kind, "I'm not going to pretend I know what you're going through, or that I understand why you don't want the epidural. What I can tell you, though, is that I unfortunately had the occasion to see more than one woman go through what you're going through right now. The drug won't make it easier for you, because nothing can make it easier. But the pain will only make it harder. Do you understand?"
Bringing a trembling hand to her face, Regina tried to hide her crumbled face and eyes full of tears. Her fingers clench around Emma's hand and she sets her jaw shut, as she always does when trying to keep herself together. But it wouldn't this time, not when she was already this broken.
"I'm fine…" Regina repeated, her voice no more than a whisper, averting her eyes, hand falling on her stomach as more quiet tears rolled down her cheeks, "I don't want the drugs."
The nurse nodded, checking her IV and reminding her that it could take quite a while for labor to start.
But barely an hour had passed when the contractions came. And when they came, they came hard.
The first one was enough for Regina's grip on Emma's hand to become bone breaking tight, and she collapsed on her side, clutching the sheets until her knuckles turned white and her nails dug into her palm, leaving half circles marks on it. Opening her eyes after the waves of pain are almost gone, Emma's constricted face is the first thing she saw.
"Regina, please." Reaching out for her and pushing the locks of hair that were falling on her face back, Emma pleaded, "Please, take the epidural."
Loosening her gritted teeth, Regina heard a soft crack on her jaw. The feeling of pain echoed down her body, making she shut her jaw once again as she felt her throat getting tighter. She just shook her head, a constricted groan leaving her throat. Regina knew what Emma was thinking – she was thinking that the nurse was right, the pain just made it a thousand times worse. But she didn't say anything, because she wasn't the one supposed to complain.
But Regina didn't complain. She barely made a noise, if not for these loud and somewhat controlled intakes of breath she took whenever the pain hit her. Her body would literally shake with every contraction, and all she could do is close her eyes, hand clenched over her stomach, almost curling into herself as the pain rolled through her. She'd then be left breathless and weak, hiding her face into her pillow as if to hide her newest tears.
Never letting go of her hand, Emma whispered hushing sounds that neither would remember afterwards. She never really learned how to comfort someone, but seeing the person she loved so deeply bent over in pure agonizing pain was something she could barely process herself, let alone find the words to make the hurt a little more bearable.
But when Regina looked up at her, she knew. There was nothing she could do or say to make it better. Nothing would ever soothe the throbbing ache rising in her chest, making her taste bile. And although Emma wasn't feeling the physical pain of labor, she felt an emptiness inside of her, like someone had taken out her insides and her heart was hanging alone in her ribcage, without any kind of support.
They had lost a child.
Nothing would close that gaping hole inside their chests, that deep nothingness they were left with.
They remain pretty much on the same position in the several times the nurse has to check on her – hands clasped together, Emma's head hanging low near the swollen spot where just yesterday there was a visible kicking, Regina clutching whatever was within her reach when the waves of pain came.
A soft knock on the door went unnoticed as the nurse came in to check on her, who wasn't shy to offer Regina the epidural once again upon seeing the almost tragic state she was in. A particularly intense contraction coursed through Regina, leaving her gripping the bed's rail in mere torment, bent over in half and barely able to breathe through this one. But when it was over, Regina just stubbornly shook her head, denying the epidural once again, eyes still tightly closed, pulling at her gown as if she still had difficulty breathing.
With every new wave of pain, she looked like she was suffocating a little more into her own skin, her face flushed, lips trembling, skin glistening with a thin layer of sweat, hair sticking to the side of her face.
"You can try and walk around, if you want," the nurse told Regina after telling her that things were progressing fast.
At first, it's another advice Regina ignored. But thirty minutes and five excruciating waves of pain later, she pulled at her gown again, eyes closed in exhaustion as she tried to catch her breath.
"I need to move…" she whispered, and Emma barely had time to stand up from her chair before Regina had thrown her legs over the other side of the bed. She rushes to the Regina's side, but when Emma tried to help her, she pushes her hand away. "Don't." she said sternly and managed to slide off the bed, clinging to her IV pole. After finding balance on weakened legs, she headed for the door.
Emma followed her closely, close enough that if Regina stumbled or anything, she'd be able to keep her from falling. Not that she'd go far, that much was clear. They were barely out of the room and into the hall when she abruptly stopped, her entire body tensing in a way that was already sickeningly familiar. Emma saw her knuckles turning white around the IV pole as her body started to fold in half, and there was no way she was going to stay on her feet through this.
Without waiting for her consent, Emma went around her to stand in front of Regina as she tried to breathe through the ever growing pain. She instinctively reached out for Emma, letting go of the pole so both her hands were grabbing her sides, fingers digging hard into his ribs as her head fell against her shoulder.
"Emma…" she moaned against her, and Emma's fingers were curled into her hair, protectively, her other arm sliding around her to keep her steady as she swayed through the pain.
"I've got you…" Emma whispered into Regina's hair, feeling her grip on her tightening even more, "I've got you."
The pain seemed to last forever, and for the first time since the contractions have started, Regina seemed to allow herself the right to display her agony, a low, painful hum resonating through Emma, and all she could do was keep her close.
She eventually relaxed in Emma's embrace, her entire being slumping against her, and she knew Regina's crying against her shirt.
"Regina, please…" she didn't even try to hide her own desperation as she whispered against the top of her head. "Take the epidural. You don't have to be in so much pain."
Her body shook with what Emma knew was another silent sob, but Regina quickly shook her head against the blonde, before straightening up. Regina didn't look at Emma, trying to wipe her face, unsuccessfully fighting the new tears that were coming, before letting go of her altogether. Without a word, Regina grabbed her IV pole again and walked around Emma, before starting down the hall, her other hand under her round stomach, wobbling away.
When her next contractions came, though, she clung to Emma every single time, and she cried some more against her shirt.
At some point, Emma just started crying with her, her tears as quiet as Regina's. None of them even noticed.
The drive home from the hospital had been filled with a sound they both had grown to love so very much in an infinitesimal moment - their baby's heartbeat.
Regina had an appointment scheduled for a Thursday, at eight weeks and three days of pregnancy. Emma had experience on that, but Regina would eat every book about babies she could put her hands on. The Mayor would reply almost every sideways glance from her wife with "I have background on taking care of babies only after they're born, Emma" to which Emma would mumble something along the lines of "You just grow them inside you. It's a miracle of life and all, but it's not rocket science."
But if anyone knew how her baby's heartbeat should sound like at eight weeks, this person was Regina.
And their baby's heart was beating at steady 174 bpm.
For the last few weeks, everything was about that tiny living being inside Regina's belly. And that heartbeat was the first proof that, indeed, their lives would never, could never, be the same.
Pulling into the driveway, Emma turned off the radio that was playing their baby's heartbeat and looked at Regina with the brightest smile, only to find her wife with a greenish skin tone.
"Hey, you okay?" Emma asked in a concerned voice, and Regina could barely muster the energy to shake her head. "Are you gonna be sick?"
"Possibly." A shiver coursed through Regina's body and she knew she meant 'most definitely'.
"Oh boy, let's go!"
With two months of training, both women knew how to deal with this sickness that came along with pregnancy. At first, Regina would have only morning sickness and whenever she drank something with caffeine. Then she started throwing up after car rides, when they watched too much television, or when her cooking had too much seasoning. Now, they would just come randomly throughout the day.
Emma opened the door for Regina and stepped outside the car just in time to hurry her wife into the house and to the bathroom. Kneeling in front of the toilet, Regina spilled the contents of her stomach - not much more than her almost inexistent breakfast - while Emma held her hair back.
It was almost like their little routine. Emma found it cute, Regina wanted to throttle the blonde every time she mentioned how endearing the bags under her eyes were.
Teeth brushed, Regina looked at Emma picking at her nail in the hallway, "Would you care to tell me what is in that bag Ruby handed to you?"
The slight hint of annoyance in her voice became a huge furrow between her eyebrows when Emma smiled wide and bright. Running halfway to the foyer, Emma grabbed a tiny paper bag she had dropped and ran back towards her wife. She shook her head towards the stairs and put her hand out for Regina to grab. Breathing out exasperatedly, Regina took it and let herself be led upstairs and towards the room they had chosen to be the nursery.
The room was pretty much empty. They still had to paint the walls to something other than plain white, and buy all of the furniture a newborn required to be taken care of. The only thing in the room, besides the heavy carnelian curtains, was a rocking chair. Emma approached the chair, struggling a little with the paper bag to get the contents out. Then she put it on the center of the soft yellow fabric, looking back to Regina, who glanced over Emma's shoulder towards the chair.
Shoes. A pair of crocheted baby shoes in the lightest green wool.
"Granny made them"
A faint "Oh" was all Regina was able to utter. She stared at it for a while, noticing how the patterns intertwined and how tiny a foot would have to be to fit in it. Strangely enough, she never gave it too much thought. She knew newborns were tiny; she had been able to fit a three-week-old Henry's entire body in one arm with space to spare. But all of a sudden it hit her, like a flying brick on her face, that in a few months, she would be holding a tiny baby within her arms, a baby that would have tiny feet that would fit in those tiny woolen shoes.
It was an odd feeling, she thought as she reached for one of the shoes with her thumb and forefinger, to know that she was growing her child inside of her.
Part of Emma still expected to wake up at any moment, firmly believing that this was all a nightmare. But it was too real to be a nightmare. By the time Regina was ready to push, the blonde was ready to collapse on the floor.
They both had lost all notion of time, their whole world limited and divided between the moments when Regina was in pain, and the moments when she was not. The latter were getting rarer and harder to discern, because even when she wasn't in the middle of a contraction, she was in pain.
By the time Regina was fully dilated and positioned to push the baby out, Emma had taken position too, standing next to her as Regina squishes her fingers, harder than she's been doing so all night. It almost felt like a normal birth for a moment there, Regina trying to find her breath through the pain and Emma pushing her hair back from the places it had stuck on her forehead, echoing the doctor's instructions to Regina to 'bear down', though her voice sounded very foreign to both of them.
Regina could feel Emma's eyes on her, but she couldn't bring herself to look back at her and meet her gaze. The pain was already unbearable, and she was scared to death to look at Emma's eyes and find an accusatory glare, blaming her for all of this.
She could hear a voice inside of her head telling her that Emma wasn't going to blame her for this, but how could she not. Regina herself couldn't bear to be within her own skin at the moment, feeling disgusted at how much of a failure she was – rotten from the inside out, unable to keep her own daughter safe.
When some women might had been screaming and sobbing in pain by then, Regina wasn't. She would have every reason to behave that way, but she kept pushing herself to go through this with every last bit of determination she'd got in her, still thinking she never had the right to complain about being in pain. Not when she'd been taught since a very young age that she deserved it, not when her daughter was dead within her.
There was no hiding the despair on her face, though, her flushed face glistening with an equal amount of tears and sweat. Regina decided to oblige with Dr. Whale and the nurse, following their instructions without a single word or complaint.
"Alright, Regina, you're almost there. I need you to give me two more big pushes when the next contraction comes and she'll be out," the doctor said, after a particularly long push.
Regina fell back against her pillow. "Oh gods…" she breathed out, before shaking her head almost drowsily. "I can't…"
"You're doing great, it's almost over," the doctor continued, and Emma wished he would just shut up, because Regina's face contracted even more upon hearing these words, eyes closed, still shaking her head.
"I can't…" she repeated just as breathlessly.
The next contraction came, but she didn't sit back up like she'd been doing so far, crushing Emma's hand instead, with so much force that she wouldn't be surprised with if she ended up with a broken finger and she couldn't care less. Regina was panting frenetically, trying to stop herself from pushing, though both of them know it was nearly impossible.
"Regina," Dr. Whale reprimanded her when the cramps stop, "Your body is still pushing the baby out. You're only making this harder and more painful for you. Don't fight it."
Emma turned to fully face Regina, bringing her free hand to her sweaty forehead, gently pushing wet strands of hair away. Regina opened her eyes to look at her, and she almost instantly let go of her hand to grab her shirt, pulling her down nearer to her, her eyes quietly pleading Emma again.
"Regina," she said softly and as steady as she could, her finger caressing the skin of her cheek, "I know you're tired, and I know you're hurting… but you need to push."
But Regina shook her head again, and she was beyond hurt, beyond tired. She was almost delirious with exhaustion and pain, every possible kind of pain. "Emma…" she almost choked out her name, tugging at her shirt, "I can't let her go…"
Emma felt the change on her face as it constricted, and she knows she must be mirroring Regina's expression almost perfectly.
Of course Regina wouldn't allow this to happen without fighting it, one way or another. She wouldn't simply give up, and she could not fathom the fact that she had to let her daughter go.
But what could she possibly do?
She's already gone, a voice whispered in Emma's ear and for a moment, she almost repeated the words to Regina. But she didn't. Regina didn't need be reminded of the truth. She didn't need the truth, because the truth hurt too much. But Emma couldn't lie to her either, couldn't tell her that everything would be all right, that they would be alright, because they wouldn't.
Emma's fingers still gently brushing her skin, her eyes firmly locked with hers, she whispered, "Do you remember when you said you couldn't wait to see how she would look like?"
Regina shook her head then, her face distorted in agony, trying to speak but she just couldn't. And Emma knew she wasn't shaking her head because she didn't remember – of course she remembered, it hadn't been that long ago. She was shaking her head because when they had talked about that, she had imagine their baby to be alive and breathing.
Knowing how she sounded, Emma wasn't trying to be cruel, and so she kept going. "You said the only request you had was that she didn't get your toes."
A broken sob escaped Regina then, but she still didn't look away and started to nod. Emma knows what she was thinking about, even though she couldn't bring herself to say the words. Their donor had green eyes, just like Emma's. After she had said this, she kissed Emma softly and added, "You have the most beautiful eyes." And Emma had silently hoped she would have Regina's.
Just like the sound of her laughter, it is the only thing they'll never know.
Emma couldn't tell Regina that either, so she whispered instead, "Let's find out, okay?"
After a few excruciating moments, she nodded again. "Okay…" Regina breathed out, trying to swallow back her tears. "Okay…"
As Emma reached for her hand still holding onto her shirt, Regina got that look in her eyes, that look she gets when pain starts to tear her apart from the inside again. Emma helped her sit up, one of her arms bracing her while she went back to squeezing her fingers with incredible force, and the nurse counted for her as she bore down with all her might.
The doctor had been right. Two more pushes was all it took for the baby to come out.
Quietly.
The silence that took over the room then was the most unbearable of all. The was no scream. There was no laughter. There was no 'Congratulations, it's a girl!'. There was just silence.
Regina's head fell back against Emma's shoulder, and the silence was broken by her heartbreaking sob.
Time almost seemed to stop at that instant. Regina's body was shaking with the overwhelming pain trying to leave her body by sobs that she could no longer keep silent, and Emma buried her fingers in her dark locks, joining Regina in her grieving their daughter.
"Do you want to see her?", the nurse spoke softly, and Emma didn't look at the nurse, turning her gaze back to Regina. Part of her, that same part that believed this wasn't really happening, almost wanted to say no.
What was the point? It wouldn't bring her back.
But Regina dropped her hand and reopened her eyes, nodding her answer because she was still unable to speak, eyes glued to the other woman who was walking around the bed. She then delicately put Coraline in Regina's open arms, and Emma heard the nurse murmur to Regina, "She's perfect."
They hadn't wrapped her up completely in a blanket like they usually do to newborns. They hadn't done it so they could see and touch more of her, and that's what they did. Emma's hand slid softly down Coraline's tiny arm, reaching her hand and sliding her finger on her palm – she didn't squeeze it like Emma so desperately hoped so, and she never would. Regina's trembling hand came to rest on their baby's chest, gently tracing her skin, and more tears rolled down.
"She's warm…" Regina somehow managed to say through her tears.
And that little voice was back again in Emma's head, 'Of course she's warm, she was still a part of you a minute ago. But soon she won't be anymore, she'll never be warm again.'
The thought died in her mind, because she was too focused looking at their daughter.
And she was perfect, indeed.
Both Regina and Emma were shaken to the core by how perfect she was. In other circumstances, even being born now, five weeks away from being due, she would have lived.
"She's so beautiful," Emma whispered, letting go of her hand and tracing her tiny body until she reached her foot, counting her toes and noticing that they were shaped just like Regina's.
Then her hand moved up, fingers sliding through Regina's hair as she drops her head, until her face touches her daughter's.
"I'm sorry, my baby princess…" Regina murmured against Coraline's skin, overwhelmed by her sorrow, "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry…"
Regina rested her head against Emma's shoulder again, rocking their sleeping angel against her and Emma's thumb reached Coraline's face, delicately brushing her cheek, her skin so incredibly soft. She was thinking the same thing Regina was – they could pretend their daughter was just sleeping, if they focused really hard to forget the last hours.
If only for a moment, they could pretend they would put the soft yellow dress they had bought for her to leave the hospital, and take her home, sing her to sleep and put her in her bassinet, waiting for her at home.
But they'd have to put her in a coffin instead. A coffin so small that would fit their arms, a coffin that should never have been built. They would lower their daughter into the ground, and cover it with dirt. They would visit her, but they'd never see her face again, touch her, hold her. This moment would fade away in time, but never in their memories.
They couldn't forget the few minutes they got to have a daughter.
Coming out of the bathroom, Regina put the stick on top of her dresser and checked her watch, noticing the time.
Emma looked up from where she was sitting, fingers still buried on her golden locks. Compared to Emma, Regina was really calm.
It was their first pregnancy test after their last doctor appointment, so a negative result wouldn't be something to be desperate about. Regina had researched about artificial insemination tirelessly, and in most cases, it took more than one shot to get pregnant. And it certainly would take more than one home pregnancy test to be sure she wasn't getting a false negative.
"How long until it's ready?" Emma pushed her hair back as Regina sat beside her.
"Two minutes and a half now," the brunette answered in a soothing voice, her hand reaching for Emma's, intertwining their fingers and she couldn't help the smile spreading on her face, "Why are you so nervous?"
"How can you be so calm, is the question here" Emma tightened the grip on her wife's hand, turning to look at her and drowning herself in the soft gaze on her eyes, "You might be pregnant. We might have another child. And we don't know yet, because this stupid test won't go fast."
Regina left a giggle out, barely picturing how Emma would deal with their baby's first fever. "Emma, dear. We'll know soon enough."
Reaching out for her face, Regina brought Emma's face near her, until their noses were touching, caressing her cheek with her thumb. Emma was anxious, and she had the right to be. But that didn't scare Regina at all. She'd seen how she was with Henry, she knew Emma would be an amazing parent.
Regina closed the space between them, capturing Emma's lip between hers and the blonde released a breath neither knew she was holding. Breaking the kiss, Emma kept their foreheads together for a moment longer, needing the other woman to calm herself down.
"Three minutes never lasted so long." Emma whispered, taking a deep breath and willing herself to at least look like she wasn't about to have a meltdown.
Regina figured it had something to do with the circumstances she got the news she was pregnant with Henry. But this time was different. They had planned it, they were ready to have a baby, to have a new life joining them and their little family.
"I know," Regina whispered back, holding Emma in place, "But take these moments to imagine what it's going to be like, to have a baby. Imagine yourself holding our baby, teaching them how to ride a bike and taking them to their first day of school. It helps."
Emma closed her eyes, doing just that. Regina knew it was working when Emma smiled wider and wider.
"Our kid is going to be so freaking cute."
Feeling her smile matching her wife's, Regina noticed that three minutes had passed. It was time to know if they were giving Henry a little sibling.
Before getting up, Regina kissed Emma one more time and smiled at her reassuringly. She noticed Emma biting down on her bottom lip, and she couldn't deny she was anxious to know it too.
She reached for the stick, picking it up and looking on the manual what those two lines indicated. When Regina read it, she felt tears welling up in her eyes, her heart swelling with so much hope and happiness that her voice was a bit choked when she turned to Emma, the most genuine smile brightening up her face.
"I'm pregnant."