"Fuyumi." I hear the little boy next to me call out. I could sigh but I just don't have the energy. We're basically home at this point. Shouto hadn't said a single word to me. Until we were at the front of the house. And yes I'm annoyed, but I do my best to repress it. Today so far has been interesting to say the least. But if I could undo it all...well I'm still not sure I would. I'd probably choose to get a little more sleep beforehand that's all.

I was coming from early morning cram school. Lamenting the fact I never had time to make my own lunch. Since first thing in the morning. I make sure my family is fed first. Especially father before he sets off to work. So I just stopped to grab fruit from a local stand. When my cellphone rang without hesitation I answer it.

"Hello may I speak with madam Todoroki?"

'No of course not.' I drop the fruit I was holding. Heart filled with anxiety. This is Shouto's homeroom teacher I know the voice well. What's happening? Do I need to lie again? 'Of course you do. Nobody can know she's gone. Someone has to play her part. At least that's what you'll tell yourself. Your father never asked you to do this.'

"Yes this is she. Can I ask the nature of this call?"

"Actually we haven't seen your son at all today. We were wondering if he was sick?"

'Personal image last, family image first.'

"Oh goodness haha, I guess my husband forgot to call this morning. Yes he's not feeling well today. So we kept him home. He'll be back in class tomorrow morning." My hand is tangled in my hair. Pulling at the roots. I should have apologized to seem more natural. But no I won't go that far. I don't care what people think of Rei. Enough to defend her niceties. As far as I'm concerned, she's a bitch.

'You also never apologize to anyone except your husband.'

"Very well we'll mark him as ill today. Sorry for the inconvenience. Have a wonderful day we look forward to his return in good health."

"Thank you, have a good day."

The call ends and I scream internally in frustration. Immediately calling the house phone. There is no answer. He didn't come back home. 'Well why not call your husband?' I refuse to do such a thing. I can handle Shouto myself. So I traveled most of the afternoon. Walking, running, hopping on and off trains. Looking for our child and eventually locating him. At the library downtown. In a way I'm grateful, he wasn't anywhere bad. But he shouldn't be here right now. He looked like a deer in headlights. When I tapped his shoulder demanding, he get up and follow me home. Shouto is too obedient, he doesn't fuss just does what I say for the most part.

The sun is setting right now. I'm not sure, what to make out of the fact he called my name. I don't even know what to do with him. Or how he's feeling right now.

"Why would you do this? Imagine if they called father instead of me." I watch his eyes roll. And hands go into his pockets.

'Alright he clearly wants attention.'

"Am I in trouble?"

Is what he decides to say to me next. As I stand with my hand on the door handle. Seriously….how the hell am I supposed to respond to that? Shouto's expression is guilty. But not at all remorseful. The situation is like having to drink dirty water. You know you'll be poisoned later. But you'll die now if you don't. "Do you want to be in trouble? I can tell father if you want."

'You're letting this go?'

He seems disappointed by my response. And says nothing more as we enter the house. Toeing our shoes off, two train passes are hung on the coat rack. My eyes follow him for a short moment. He went into the kitchen. Probably hungry and thirsty after sitting at a library for approximately seven hours.

'You know he'll never respect you. If you can't discipline him properly.'

I figured any normal child would have taken care. Of one of those issues earlier. He didn't and I wish, I could say I'm surprised. By his lack of self care, that is not the case. I enter my bedroom. Making quick work of undressing and redressing myself. Throwing on a simple red nightgown. So that I can lay down. Placing my cellphone on top of my alarm clock. I'm tired…so tired finally lowering down into my futon. I close my eyes.

Shouto lays to the right of me. Curled up in a warm blanket. Body moving slightly on the futon we share. He looks adorable as usual. The sun has long since set. His school bag is discarded a mess on the floor. Crayons, markers, color pencils and gel pens. Safety scissors and glue sticks. But homework lays finished nearby. Such a good boy, so smart, even with all the trouble it is to care for him.

My breath is being stolen. I can't even compliment him. Hands curling reflexively they're behind me. As if they are being tied at the wrist. They hurt but it's not too finger nails scratch my palms. I'm just hot unbearably so. My legs are shaking. Knees digging into a red satin sheet. My whole body is trembling actually. It's me…I'm helping move the futon he lays on. And a sharp cry of pleasure leaves my mouth. When a hand that doesn't belong to me clamps down on my mouth. It's hot, I feel like I'm melting. "If you wake our baby up. You need to put him back to sleep again." My lips move against the palm of his hand. "Yes Enji." I try to reply. As my tongue laves greedily. Eager to have any taste of him I can. As if I've been deprived for so long. The friction between us is scorching. My insides feel amazing.

Ah I'm melting.

No I'm drowning.

Wet.

I'm so wet.

Yes harder please.

Fill me with your semen.

My eyes shoot open, hands flung out in front of me. It's foggy in here. I'm hyperventilating, head spinning, mouth dry, and uneasy as I jump to my feet. The sheets I lay in are ruined. The wall across from me covered in condensation. Television electrical plugs in danger of being soaked. I rip them out the walls, throwing them behind me fast as possible. Slip and fall in the process. I sit in the mess I made. Head thrown back against the wall. Letting out a weak laugh. Or was it a cry? I can't tell.

"It's been s-so long… since I activated my quirk it hurts." It feels as if I've taken a million needles to my body.

I lay in a heap for who knows how long. Because I can't address what happened. It's a dream. Just a dream nothing more. They don't mean anything. I'll forget the fact I don't own red satin sheets. That they're only in father's room. I'll ignore the fact they're specifically used, when he wants to make a child with her.…with Rei. I'll delete it all from my memory. If I don't what's going to happen to me then? I die until the sound of my phone brings me back to life. Dragging myself across the floor. I check the message.

'Coming home early did you make dinner? Or should I buy something?'- Father

I didn't cook yet. He likes eating what I make. There's still thirty minutes until he gets here. I can make something really quick.

'I made dinner. No need to buy anything.'

Twelve seconds that's all it takes for me to hear a second chime. As if he was waiting for my response. My cheeks heat up uncomfortably so. As my eyes scan the message over and over again.

'Good girl.'-Father

My hands have a mind of their own. As I send a reply. Short simple and disagreeable to the core of my stomach. Especially after the dream I just had.

'Only for you!~ See you soon.'

I toss my phone on the nightstand. Strip out of my ruined dress and put on something better, drier, and black. Even though it's just a dream, I refuse to have anything red touching my body right now.

'You're showing off your chest. And far too much leg. What the hell is wrong with you?' There's nothing wrong, with wanting to look more mature. It's for his sake not mine. After working hard all day, he should at least come home to a beautiful wife. Stepping out of the room. Heading into the kitchen. I decided to focus on other things. Since I've already planned out the meal in my head for tonight. I auto pilot and get to work on it. Now the issue is child staring at the television, Shouto hasn't been punished. Father is not here to do so. He will be here soon though.

He also seemed to be in a good mood. If I tell him about Shouto skipping school. That's going to ruin his day. Because his star child is acting out. And not just in the house anymore. That's not acceptable behavior. I can't let this occur. I'm taking care of him too. So I'll stop being a coward.

'I need to punish him properly. Do I spank him or slap him? If I slap him that's the quickest way to handle it. But…he'll flinch for a while after. Hugs may grow hard to obtain for a while. It will show on his face. By the time father gets home. There will be questions about it. Worst of all he'll cry.

If I spank him. He'll be humiliated, not able to sit properly at the dinner table. Or in school the next day. It won't be quick or painless.…

…

…

If I touch his bare bottom. I might not be able to stop. I always want to touch him more. I love skin contact being so close to Shouto. It's sick. I feel sick.'

"Shouto come in here please?" I ask praying to god my voice doesn't sound. Shaky the way my heart feels. I hear his foot steps come to a halt behind me. "Yes Fuyumi?" Inhaling I turn the stove top on. A skillet roars to life the sizzle loud in my ears. As I throw chopped up vegetables in along side plenty of boiled rice.

'So much for not being a coward.'

Turning around I give him a stern stare.

"You knew better than to skip school. You will not do it again understood?"

"Y-Yes." He nods towards me eyes looking elsewhere. Hands fidgeting with the long sleeves of a pajama top. That's two sizes too big. It's a hand me down I'm positive. He must have changed into it earlier. And he's not wearing any pants. Lazy spoiled child can't even be bothered to dress himself completely. 'But father and I made him this way. I can't say anything about it.'

He's so short compared to me. I know he'll be taller one day. But right now he still has to rely on me. Even with making his food and helping him pull things down from shelves. Right now he looks perfect. I bite my lip briefly.

"Do you want me to punish you or father? Because you're not getting away with this."

'If he says father, you've failed in a task you were supposed to handle. You're always looking for a way out. Why are you so afraid to put him in his place? Humm why are his eyes lit up?'

"You can…I deserve it." It's soft the way he speaks. And I realize those words have trust in them. He's willing to accept whatever I do to him.

I step away from the stove taking Shouto's hand. It's very soft, so soft, need to touch him more. Truly take my time, when we aren't bathing together. So I can feel every part of him. Which places on his body are calloused from training. Where exactly is he most ticklish? I need to discover for myself which spots arouse him the most. Surely even at this age, he must have a few. Ah he always blushes if father holds his face, perhaps I should start there? Maybe it's behind his ear that gains that reaction. But on what side invokes that reaction hot or cold? If it's a temperature increase thing, I won't be able to replicate it. I'll have to look for my own ways to pleasure and praise him.

I guide him out of the kitchen. He watches the floor while we walk. I refuse to do anything to Shouto in there. He may get triggered, I can't handle causing him to meltdown. "Face me?" He raised his head then quickly as possible. I pull my hand back and smack him firmly in the face. Just as predicted he cries. Is unsteady and ultimately takes a seat back on the couch. "You will not do it again." I should have yelled the command but I couldn't. I bring my hand down on him a second time. It should have been instinct for him to guard. But he doesn't he's accepting, sobbing, having a breakdown.

'You should stop.'

I find that I'm unable to. Again I hit strike him a third time.

"You can't do it ever again, do you understand?" My eyes feel like they've been stabbed with glass. The urge to cry is heavy as I stare down at the trembling child on the couch. Who can't speak a confirmation eyes clouded with tears. Cries stripping his throat, he manages to nod his head. But it's still not good enough. Come on Shouto don't make me do this anymore. Use your words you're not in that much pain you can't. Father hits you harder than this just for training. One more hit and then another, he still doesn't put two and two together. "Repeat it." I manage to squeak out towards him. I strike him again and he's rolled over into the fetal position. My fingers arched a bit too far, leaving a few light scratches. Is he guarding against me? I can't tell, his face is still exposed. But his voice is a whisper, repetitive, speaking the mantra quickly. "I will not do it again, I will not do it again, I will not do it again. I'm sorry."

His eyes are open staring up at me. Tears rolling down his cheeks. Hand paused midway about to make contact again then, I take a huge step away.

'You were only supposed to hit him once.'

Hands unsure what to do next. But needing to do something, anything that wouldn't hurt him further. I turn the television off my heart hammering in my chest. Like a bird starving to death. Pecking the silver bars of a cage. Desperately wanting to get free no matter what the cost.

'I'm sorry! I almost spanked you. That would have been worse. I don't want to see you cry. But it's my job to put you in your place. Because your father isn't here. I'm sorry Shou-chan! He wouldn't have just hit you once either. I'm only doing things properly.'

"If father ask you about the mark. Tell him you said a bad word." I whisper to the whimpering boy on the couch. Crouching down in front of him. So that my head is eye level with his. As he cradles his cheek with his ice cold hand. It must really hurt fuck, I should have been more careful. I pressed a light kiss to his forehead. "You were very brave, thank you for taking your punishment without fussing. I'm very proud of you. I forgive you, it's alright now." I say before stepping away to go finish dinner. If he reacts to that at all. I will never know. It's probably for the better that I don't. Because if his eyes light up like before. I'm screwed.

'You still couldn't tell him sorry. Even though you hurt him so badly. Some mother you are.'

I really just want to eat, and try to go back to sleep. This day has me worn out. Who am I kidding? I know myself well enough. True to my word by eleven thirty. I still hadn't achieved any sleep. Instead I wasted time walking the halls. I couldn't forgive myself. For hitting him the way I did. For making him cry, he'd already cried enough for one lifetime. Then I went and gave him more tears. In the name of discipline. It had to happen.

'But was it really your place to give it?'

Luckily Shouto had gone to bed a little earlier. In his own room for a change. It's a damn miracle. But I know it won't last. In fact I'm kind of hoping it doesn't. Because with him beside me. I would have at least attempted to rest. Now my room just feels lonely. Not to mention dirtied…he kept that room innocent. Apparently I can't do that.

THUD

Oh shit there's a wall here. I really need to focus. Steeping back I glance over my shoulder. Of course there was nobody watching. But still…. it's relatively embarrassing nonetheless. I almost pass by a very well taken family photo. Everyone is in it even Shouto. Though he's just a infant at the time. My brothers look happy. My mother looks happy 'I should carve her face out.' Father doesn't look angry. But he doesn't smile for pictures either. In this one though, there's a hint of a smile. I like to think it's because of me. I'm sitting on his lap reaching up at him. Instead of paying attention to the camera.

I can hardly believe it myself. But it's always been like this. We've always been like this. It's just our dynamic together. We were always connected, as my siblings found reasons to hate, create distance, and make his life harder. There's no such thing as a perfect parent. I accept his short comings, And I realize he accepts mine. Even the little things he accounts for them. I was a very unstable little girl. On the first day of school. I couldn't introduce myself properly. The teachers had to do it for me. Of course nobody bats an eyelash when you're in kindergarten.

They're uneasy when I do the same in first grade.

Then there was the second grade incident. Two weeks before hand, I'd hidden moldy bread in my room. I would eat a slice every morning. And one every night eventually I gave myself food poisoning. I missed the whole first week of school. So that I could return to school under the radar.

And by third grade. I couldn't get away with it anymore. There was no hiding the fact I wasn't a little girl, who enjoyed her school life. I was simply a living embodiment of anxiety. I tried introducing myself to the class. Only to have a full blown panic attack. The teachers couldn't convince my mother, to come pick me up from school.

'She really didn't like you.'

She loves me but was afraid to come outdoors on her own.

Eventually that lead to my father having to drop work. To come and pick me up. I thought he was going to be furious at me. My irrational fear was disrupting his work day. If there was one thing all of us knew. It was not to interfere with father's work. The worse part was, I wasn't even sick. At least that's not how I saw it back then. He did see things that way.

"What's wrong?" He asked patting my head. I remember very clearly. The way I leaned into his touch. As if I was ten degrees below zero buried under ice. Blacking out to retain the warmth that only his hand could provide me. "I'm afraid to talk to people….T-The strangers they won't listen to me. They'll say huh? What? Can you repeat that? Or maybe they won't hear me at all."

I wasn't afraid to speak. So as long as I was around my family. Their ears were tuned into my voice. No matter how low it was. Everyone would hear me. I never worried about being ignored. Or having to raise my voice. I couldn't raise my voice. No that's not it, I utterly refuse to raise my voice. "Fuyumi if that's the case. Why don't you just speak like you're going to be ignored anyway? Say what's on your mind. And if they don't hear you, It's their loss then, this isn't worth making yourself sick over."

He was right completely right. I took his words to heart. And executed them daily just as I thought. Not a lot of people listened. But what did I care? I was able to read my reports aloud. I got good grades to bring home to my father.

'Parents you have two of them you understand that correct?'

Life was so much bigger, than a momentary seat in the spotlight. He saved me from myself. My fingers brushed over his figure in the photograph. "You're still my hero."A clock ticks loudly, consistently and cogwheels turn until they're falling off. Address it! I'm left standing despite falling apart, fingers shaking chest heaving. Mind over run with panic, because time is running out. Time for what exactly I was unsure. But I felt it like poison overrunning my blood flow. Dragging me down into a drop with no end.

Address it please?!

I swallow once, twice, thrice, there's almost nothing...almost.

'You'll help me this time too right father? Even though I'm not a little girl anymore. Because now I've grown sick again. It's not mental, not like her I promise. I'll let you cure what's hurting me. If anyone can save me you can.'

I feel myself slip. Allow myself to fall. Where there was once almost nothing. There is now something the lie can not prevail. I've decided to erase it my handcrafted ignorance. It's everything and all at once nothing again. I'm empty. So very empty the glass isn't even half full. It's tipped over spilling the edges are shattered. And inside lies not milk, but love, longing, lust and sin.

'I can't allow myself...to diminish these feelings, I have for you. When they control me so deeply.'

THUD

No wall this time, only my father's chest. How long had I been walking towards him? Without even acknowledging his approach. I feel as if today, I've lost all my sense of awareness. But this position is relaxing. I would have enjoyed it even more. If only he wasn't staring at me. With that morose expression like he had something to say. And was completely confident that I wouldn't like it.

"Fuyumi we need to talk."

"Sorry father is my pacing keeping you awake?"

"Not at all, I'm used to the sound of your footsteps lurking around the house late at night. And early in the morning." I shift uncomfortably that comment was a bit much. If he hears me doing that, can he discern what I've been up to?

'You should probably stop going through your mother's wardrobe. Eventually he'll realize there's clothes missing. And you don't have a way to explain yourself. You're not a child anymore. You can't say you're playing dress up.'

"What actually happened today? Because Shouto didn't tell me the truth. And you didn't particularly back up his claim either. I'm not blind, that injury on his face. Was not a single slap. You hit him multiple times, so what did he do that upset you that badly?"

"W-What makes you think that?" It's not a reply to his question. I bite my lip vaguely aware, I still haven't left his personal space yet. He's staring down at me and oh how I wish. I was just a bit more developed. My breast could quite literally be contacting him right now.

"Your hands aren't steady, even if he held perfectly still. Which I'm positive he did to a certain degree. Your hands don't align one hundred percent of the time. Your finger tips are in various places on the side of his face. He's starting to bruise it doesn't look nice. Fuyumi you're allowed to punish him if necessary. But if you're going to strike him. Then only once, he's not that unhinged. And has an understanding of what he should and shouldn't be doing. However it doesn't seem like you retain that same knowledge."

'You're being scolded he's unhappy with you.'

"I'm sor-"

"You have yet to answer my question." It was like breathing done without thought. No force necessary his hand made contact with my chin. Grasping it giving a light squeeze accompanied with a disapproving stare. I can feel the hairs on the back of my neck raise. My legs start to tremble. The heat from just that action alone. Is well under my skin. And working it's way through me.

'Make him happy that's all you're here for. At least do something right.'

So I don't move from his hold. Like a normal child would have. I don't cower or yell, cling to my secrets like a ordinary daughter would have. I stare into his eyes and give him a clear answer. "He skipped school today and stayed at the library. So I brought him home. I couldn't leave the situation unaddressed. And you were busy so I figured. I'd be the disciplinarian to help out."

'Praise me please?! I worked really hard for you today!'

His hand finds it's way to the top of my head. And I can hear my heart beating in my ears loudly. As he strokes me gently.

"Fuyumi you put up with a lot again today too. I'm proud of your capability to handle responsibility. However this... it's too much for you. You're only sixteen this shouldn't be on your agenda."

"I w-want to help."

'What are you saying don't push me away? I'm working this hard so we can put our efforts to good use. A family is equal parts compromise and sacrifice. Everything else has no meaning.'

"I understand but you're still a child too. Next time just call me."

"It's not too much I swear. I can do better next time. I-I won't lose my temper I-"

"Fuyumi stop please do you understand what you're saying?" He's giving me an incredulous stare. And oh no I can't have that. Frantically I reach forward grasping his robe.

'Close so close if you move your hands a little more. You could graze his bare chest. You'd like that wouldn't you? Make yourself look as anxious as possible. He's always worried when you look like that. The distance between you both will grow smaller. He always tries getting down to eye level with you. Because of that nasty avoidance streak of yours. This time put it to good use kiss him.'

No I couldn't possibly feign illness. For the sake of something like that. Escape is one thing, this is another entirely.

'Well he's telling you very kindly. To fuck off and stop being intrusive.'

"F-Father I can do it. There's no need for you to do extra work. You already support our home life enough s-so"

"You're shaking can you calm down? Take a deep breath for me."

I'm shaking? Why is that? It must be excitement. This is the closest we've been to each other in a while. My senses must be overloaded. Yes that's it, it has to be the answer. I take one deep breath then another, and another, and they're coming too quick. His hand is on my back patting me. Resting at my flank and it doesn't help.

'Step closer he might move his hand a little lower on accident.'

'Shut up please?!'

'Go on ignore the fact. He's saying he doesn't need you. Ignore the fact your fragile place in his life is crumbling. Wait for him to stick the nail in your coffin.'

"It's lovely that you want to help. Really I'm very grateful especially since Touya and Natsuo are...well difficult at the moment. But you're not Shouto's mother. There's no need for you to go this far. You're the best at being an older sister. So you should keep playing your role well. Don't try turning it into a task more complicated than what it's supposed to be."

'There it is the nail. It's embedded in your neck. I'll be surprised if you reply.'

"..."

'You're not his mother. Shouto doesn't need you he needs her. Enji doesn't require your services. He needs Rei to fulfill her duties. There's no place for you.'His words are like static as they pass through my ears. And I can only nod towards him. That alone gives him relief. He breaks contact with me. I wait five, ten, fifteen seconds then finally I let him go. "You're right I am over complicating things. I won't do it again."

'I've given you more stress. Just by acting on my own. I won't mess up again. Next time I'll just get your approval. Why on earth would I ever be so stupid to believe, he'd want a woman who acts on her own? Without asking for guidance that was foolish of me, I need to do better.'

"I'm glad you understand. It's really late you should go to bed now."

'Look, listen, respond to his commands. It's what you're good at.' I turn on my heel giving a small wave. But my body halts it's movements. I look back over my shoulder at him. 'Your greed is immeasurable, your sickness vast like the ocean is deep. There's a cure for you. But only he has it. You'll need to get it from him. He's the only one who can help you.'

"I think we should sleep together." It was a statement but I am aware, to his ears it was phrased as a question. Nobody has the luxury of telling Enji Todoroki what to do. Everything is a suggestion in his mind. And he'll either confirm or deny. And I don't know if I'm too eager? If my voice conveyed excitement, Could he read between the lines of my filthy mind that easily? Or maybe...it's just because I'm his teenage daughter.

"We can't good night Fuyumi."

Something must have gone wrong. For him to reply to me like that. And to leave me standing where I was. With such a stoic expression.

'You're not good enough for him yet. He doesn't even want to hear your suggestions.'

My hand goes to my side body now standing heavily. The world I live in is covered in a plastic film. Each second passing here and now the edges roll up further.

"Good night Enji." My voice echoes back to my own ears in the empty hallway.

Reality decides to accompany it full force shoving it's way down my throat.

Sleep can't cure this pain, the whole day has been a downward spiral.

Where's the undo button?

It doesn't exist press repeat, go to sleep, try again tomorrow.