It has been months since I had last heard from him. A letter, an email, a phone call… nothing to tell me that he was okay, or even that he was alive. Being an army wife was one of the hardest jobs in the world. You constantly lived on the edge of immense pride and overwhelming worry, to the point where you were never relaxed. Every time somebody knocked on the door your mind went into overdrive: was it the next door neighbour with the mail or someone telling me that he was never coming back? In the rare moments that you speak to him you know the clock is ticking until he has to leave you for his duties. But the overruling thought that never leaves your mind day in, day out, is the hope and the pray that he makes it back to you alive and in one peace.
Edward and I were the typical 'high school sweethearts' that were best friends since nappies, and we married quickly at age 19. We knew that we were it for each other and we couldn't understand why we should wait. His parents were nothing but supportive – mine were harder to convince. This angered me to no end as my mother had abandoned me as a child and my father had been involved in a string of affairs ever since. Who were they to tell me how a relationship worked successfully? We went ahead with the wedding despite their opinions on the matter and have been happily married ever since. The decision for Edward to enter the army was a complete shock to all of us. Neither of us had found the idea of going to college appealing – I knew that I wanted to be a baker and when children came along a stay at home mom. Edward wasn't so sure, and after months of relentlessly leafing through job vacancies and leaflets, he found one about entry into the army. There were many arguments and a lot of tears – mainly from his mother and myself – but it was something he wanted to do and who were we to begrudge him that?
The first year was torture – I never rested and I constantly worried. Two months into his deployment I received some shock news: I was pregnant. When I told Edward he was ecstatic, but I was unsure. How was I going to manage looking after a child on my own? I had grown up my entire life with one parent, and it wasn't something I wanted for my own child. Thankfully, Edward has amazing parents and we made it through the pregnancy and the birth with little trauma. Edward couldn't be there, but he was there through webcam and although I couldn't hold his hand, I could look into his beautiful eyes and he still got to hear his baby's first cry.
Layla is now three, and Edward has seen her a total of four times: over the computer. I haven't seen my husband for nearly four years, and I haven't been whole for the same amount of time. When he left he took my heart with him and still hasn't given it back.
"Momma?"
"Yes, honey?" I turn to find my beautiful baby staring at me intently.
"When's daddy coming home?"
Her sparkling emerald eyes staring up at me are the exact copy of her father's and it breaks my heart every time I stare at her. I feel Esme looking at me sympathetically as I struggle to find an answer to the question she asks me every day. It's a routine for her now. She asks when he's coming home, and I reply that I'm not sure, but he's coming soon and he misses and loves us both very much.
I promise to take her to the park tomorrow in an attempt to distract her from my depressive stupor. I'm usually really good at hiding this from her because I know that she's the reason I need to stay strong. Nobody sees that side of me except for Esme. Especially when it comes to this time of year, as today is mine and Edward's wedding anniversary.
Layla looks through the window at the park across the street longingly, and there is no way I can resist her. Telling her to put on her coat and shoes, I do the same, say goodbye to Esme, lock up the house and we cross the road. I sit myself down on a bench that has perfect view of the entire park and watch Layla as she runs straight to the slide and greets a boy named Milo from one of her classes. I smile as I watch her, so carefree and happy. If only she knew where daddy really was and how much danger he was in. The thought of him not coming back to me literally threatens to rip my heart in two and I quickly focus my attention back on the giggling little girl who was the reason I got up on a morning. She calls me over to push her on the swings, and her delighted squeals of "Higher Momma!" make the smile on my face become genuine.
After an hour in the park, Layla is wiped out and hungry, so we hurry home. I make her some fishsticks and give her a bath before tucking her into bed. After reading her a night time story and giving her hugs and kisses from me and from daddy, I turn off the light and close her door. On the way to the front porch, I grab a blanket to wrap around myself and sit down on the porch swing.
Four years ago today, it was the happiest day of our lives. As I think of that day tears roll down my cheeks. All I want is some way of knowing he is safe. Some sort of communication to let me know that he is alive and well.
"Don't cry, beautiful. I never could stand to see you cry."
My eyes shoot open and focus on green, as a sob crawls up from low in my throat.
"Please tell me I'm not dreaming," I ask the khaki covered man in front of me.
"You're not dreaming, baby. I'm here to stay."
He hasn't even finished his sentence before I'm on him, my arms around his neck and my legs around his waist kissing every single inch of his face.
"I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you," I whisper in between kisses before I finally plant one on his soft lips. The feeling of being able to hold him and kiss him and touch him after four long years makes tears fall from my eyes at rapid pace. I can't contain them and from the feeling of his wet cheek against mine, neither can he.
"Oh God, baby I love you so much, you have no idea how much I've missed you," he whispers in my ear as he holds me to him tightly.
I burt my face in my favourite spot, the crook of his neck. "Trust me, yes I do." He still smells exactly the same, and I breathe it in greedily.
"Please don't ever leave me again, I can't take it Edward," I plead as his hands slide down to my bottom to hold me up.
"Never, baby, never. I'm done, for good. I promise, I'm with you and Layla forever."
My smile is so wide it actually hurts my cheeks.
He carries us through the front door, locks it, and up to our room as though he's in here every day – not as though he hasn't been in here for four years. He sits me down gently on the bed and we both know where this is leading, but we're not in any rush. For the first time, we are certain that we have forever.
We remove each article of clothing slowly, and the first touch of skin on skin makes us moan in unison. The feeling of him on me, under me, around me, is almost too much to handle.
"I love you," I whisper as I cradle his face in my hands, pressing soft kisses to his lips.
He enters my slowly, his breath coming out of his mouth in short spurts.
"Holy shit, Bella, you feel so fucking incredible. God, I love you so much, baby."
We move like the time we spent apart meant nothing, and when we come we come together with our hands linked above my head.
He rests his head on my chest as we control our breathing, and I run my fingers up and down his back. A cough sounds from the moniter beside the bed, and Edward is up and dressed before I can move.
He starts towards the door, then falters.
"She won't recognise me." His face is breaking my heart, and I am quick to soothe him.
"She will, she sleeps with your picture next to her and she loves you so much," I reply.
He looks nervous, but he nods. I stand up and get dressed before I lead him out of the room and down the hall towards Layla's room. I enter quietly just as her eyes open drowsily. I crouch down by her bed and run my fingers gently through her hair.
"What's up, humbug? Why aren't you sleeping baby?"
"I heard noises, Momma."
"I know, hon. I have a surprise for you," I grin and she immediately looks hopeful, and for once I can make her hopes a reality.
"Daddy's home, baby."
I will never forget the grin on her face as she looks towards the door and sees Edward standing there, nor will I forget the moment that Edward hugged his daughter for the first time. With tears in our eyes, we slip into bed with our baby and fall asleep with our hands linked together, finally a family.