Disclaimer: I don't own Supernatural
Garden of Eden
Mikkal
1.
He didn't know what he expected from Purgatory, but a dark forest was definitely not it. Monsters, tons and tons of monsters, though, that was absolutely expected.
And now he kind of regretted expecting it 'cause if he didn't expect it then maybe he wouldn't be gutting a werewolf right now and decapitating a vampire. His knife was slick with blood that wasn't his and his cheek was sore from some monster's lucky punch.
That was 54 monsters in two months. Dean was keeping track of days and numbers. And he wasn't sure if that was odd or normal. Too many monsters or not enough?
Oh, and one Leviathan.
Dean didn't want to even begin thinking about why there weren't more. He was a human in monster heaven, a human who killed the Head. Where were they all?
He also didn't want to think about Castiel, because if the Leviathan weren't coming after the damn human then they were probably going after the damn angel. And he just…he didn't want to think about it, okay? Leave him alone.
But he couldn't help but send out a quick prayer of hopes that Cas was okay. Because if there was anything or anyone he believed in…he believed in Cas.
Dean wiped the blade on a patch of dull grass and froze as something caught at the edge of his vision. He just stood there, blinking for a moment before it occurred to him what he was seeing.
And he couldn't believe it.
There was a sun. There was a sunrise. A swirl of oranges and purples and blues that was so much different from the black sky.
He sort of stumbled back in shock, squinting even though the light was still oh-so-very weak. Two months and six days since he last saw the sun. Purgatory had it's own light that wasn't light or maybe it was just him (maybe he was finally turning into that monster he always knew he was and could see in the dark now)…but it never had a sun.
A sunrise.
Daylight, in fact.
He couldn't even be sure his months were right.
There was an animalistic scream somewhere in the distance and a howl in another direction. Then the entire forest around him and beyond exploded in noises, they sounded like anger and disbelief and a few excited ones but those were quickly cut off.
…Okay, so that wasn't suppose to happen. Good to know.
Did Cas know about this?
With a churning stomach Dean gripped his knife and trudged on, ducking behind a tree quickly when a siren ran past in a panic.
2.
Two months later (four all together) and with the weirdly dull but bright sun half way to Earth-time noon Dean found himself staring at a very, very green leaf. One leaf, only one. It was too bright, but so Earth-like, against the dull colors that could be considered colors now that he could actually see them.
He shook his head. Nope, too much thinking. He knew basically no lore about Purgatory (monster souls and Leviathan and Eve…holy crap, was Eve here?) so maybe this was normal? Maybe he and Cas arrived in their version of winter and now it was spring?
And now he was thinking about Cas again. (Are ya there, Cas? It's me, Dean. Where the hell is your fluffy ass, man?) Who was perfectly fine by the way... Whoever jumped him, that son of a bitch was going to be very sorry…probably already was.
Dean picked the leaf and frowned in confusion when the green flared too-too bright then died back to the same dull as everything else. He sighed. Same thing happened to everything he touched.
3.
This time it was two and a half more months later (six and a half since he's seen Sam and Cas) when he shoved a shape shifter against a tree and stabbed it in the heart again and again and again because he was tired and angry and so alone.
(Goddamnit, Cas! I know you can freakin' hear me!)
Dean let the mutilated body fall to the ground, blood and innards splashing on his boots, before he backed up and turned around to march away. He wiped the blade on his jeans, abandoning using grass about a month ago.
The damn thing didn't know where Cas was. Every single monster had no idea where the angel was and now they were starting to recognize him. Which was perfect, by the way, he's become the monster in the story monsters tell their kids at night so they'll stay away from the shadows circling a campfire.
Awesome.
After a few hundred feet Dean leaned against a tree and stared at the sun that finally reached noon high about a two weeks ago.
(Confirmation that this wasn't just some Purgatory!spring or season something, it took six months for a stupid sun to rise.)
It didn't do much for the colors and for Dean's weird obsession with keeping track of it, but it made things easier to see and gave him one less scar. Things were way too good at jumping you in the dark.
Then he saw it, just like how he saw the first sun rise, out of the corner of his eye. He peeked around and saw the tree in all its glory. Like, Earth glory. Full on hues of brown and green with deep, dark moss and mushrooms that were whiter and creamier than anything in God's armpit.
He swallowed thickly and approached it like it was some scruffy cat hiding under his car—hand out and footsteps slow. Dean hesitated for a split second and touched it carefully.
It flared bright colors, almost blinding—just like that leaf from a few months ago.
But unlike the leaf it just went back to its Earth-colors instead of dying to a dull.
Huh.
As an experiment he picked a mushroom from a piece of bark and watched the colors die. Okay…well, that made sense…maybe.
He dropped it and let it get covered by a tangle of decaying leaves. He wiped his hand on his jacket, but that didn't do anything because his hands and his jacket were both equally dirty and it was a good thing Sam couldn't see him now because his bitch-face would be full on and he'd be disgusted by his hygiene.
Dean couldn't stop the hysterical laughter escaping from just envisioning that look. His stomach ached from being used in a way it hadn't been used in a long while as he walked away from the tree that looked like it belong in his dreams instead of his nightmares.
Or maybe the other way around.
4.
He met Benny two weeks later (seven months now. Oh God, he wondered what a cheeseburger tasted like. Would it taste the same as it did in his dreams or would he be let down?). It was much-missed rush to fight next to someone. He felt free and unburdened in such a way that felt wrong.
Dean couldn't help but send a quick prayer to Cas when Benny announced the Gate out of here. He ignored the Earth-colored tree in the distance because he decided a few days ago that all of those colors were just hallucinations.
And he couldn't decide if the sun staying at the noon position was a good thing or a bad thing.
Probably both.
5.
A week into looking for Cas, despite Benny's grumbling complaints, the vampire—(Ha ha, Cas, a vampire! Can you believe it? A monster, a human, and soon an angel. It's like bad television.)—made a comment about an Earth-tree that was a little ways up.
"You can see it too?" Dean demanded, and, boy, his voice cracked in an embarrassing way.
Benny just gave him this look like he was a stupid cow who should really be eaten instead of being relied on (he was kind of getting use to that look even if was coming less and less). "'course I can," he drawled with that accent that made most of his words unrecognizable. "Been seein' 'em a few weeks now."
And of course he has and of course he never mentioned it to Dean because Dean was just getting use to the fact that he was crazy enough to see things while he was awake. Bad enough when he wasn't.
Turned out, Benny didn't have an answer for it either. Sure, yeah, he'd been around (in and out of the armpit) for a while, didn't mean he knew enough. Monsters weren't much of the social type unless you were part of the pack/nest/whatever before you died.
So maybe it was better to stop mentioning the damn things anyway?
Benny kind of, sort of agreed to that.
6.
Dean thought he heard a bird once, about a week ago. (seven months and three weeks now, Cas. You better be alive, you dick.) An honest-to-God bird, but that was quickly forgotten in favor of chasing down a werewolf.
He shot a grin at Benny and got a fangless one in return. He let out a hoot of laughter that wasn't so hysterical as he jumped over a log, letting his strides eat up the distance. Benny dodged around a tree like a dancer and put on a burst to jump ahead of the 'wolf.
It was like he was a kid. A three-year-old kid running around in the park chasing a dog with his friend.
Of course, the dog in that dream wasn't going to kill him and his friend in that dream didn't have a set of sharp teeth and drank blood.
Now, normally he wouldn't be the chaser. Normally he got chased. Sometimes, though, the little monster souls liked to tease him with information about Cas and, well, the hunt was on.
Honestly, it was their fault for running in the first place!
7.
Sometimes Benny would start whistling "In the Hall of the Mountain King" when it got way too quiet.
In ended up attracting a lot of attention.
So he kept doing it.
8.
They found Cas. They actually found Cas. Eight months into this God-awful situation they finally found Cas.
No matter how sturdy he was Dean could have sworn his knees buckled when he hugged the angel. He was so happy and so relieved and so…
And it hurt. It hurt a lot to hear him say that he deliberately ran away. But then he explained why. Man, that just gets you. Right here.
"You're different," Cas said after one day of travelling. He looked tired and ragged and they were all about to conk out for the night (or day, they count it as night even though the Earth-noon sun is up and shining)
Dean couldn't help but grin wolfishly. "That a bad thing or a good thing?"
Cas just started at him for a moment longer, his eyes a lot bluer than he remembered even despite the grime layering his face (or maybe it was because of?), before he turned away and sat with his back against a Purgatory-tree.
He didn't want to wonder why it had been two days since he last saw an Earth one. Especially after they'd been seeing them more and more often were even Benny was getting jumpy at the sight. Was he relieved? Did he miss seeing flashes of home?
"I don't know," Cas finally said.
Benny snorted from his spot across the clearing and Dean couldn't help but stick his tongue out at him childishly. He just knew the two of them were going to be bickering the entire time to the Gate.
Speaking of…
"Where is this Gate?" Dean asked. He took his own spot diagonal to his friends so they made a triangle. Probably a horrible idea, but Dean gave it credit for being aesthetically pleasing and Cas was a badass with the super supernatural sensing skills. So they were probably safe.
"'S a tree," Benny said, grunting. "Ina middle of a nowhere. Big ass tree."
Cas was quiet and Dean didn't know what to say to that.
9.
Nine months passed since the Head exploded. He honestly didn't think any Leviathan could survive with the Head cut off, but apparently he was wrong…as usual. Guess, only if they were Purgatory they could survive. Once you get them Earth-side bye-bye into a puddle of black vomit.
Okay, gross. Bad mental image.
Dean gripped his Purgatory bone-blade-thing tightly and eyed the Leviathans carefully. They weren't charging or hissing or showing off their nasty teeth (unlike the two they ran into a few days ago). They're just…standing there like birds, heads cocked and staring at the human, the monster, and the angel like they were some sort of side show for a freak circus.
"Dean Winchester," one of them said slowly, her human image's teeth unnervingly white against her dark skin. "Human in Purgatory. Of course it would be you."
He grunted and shifted back on his heels, trying to make himself look uninterested and stupid. Next to him Cas stiffen in comparison, probably not liking the way the Leviathans were focusing on the human. The weak one.
Okay, Cas probably didn't think of it like that…well, maybe he did but not as a put-down or anything.
(…right?)
Benny just looked as uncaring as Dean. The two of them kind of had a system going and it'd been working well for the months the two of them were alone.
"Yeah, well," Dean drawled. "I'm real special." He laughed, because, honestly, this was hilarious and as much fun as it was to listen to Cas and Benny that got real annoying after awhile.
The same Leviathan, the leader, smirked. "I'm sure."
"You the new Head?" Dean blurted out. And, after a moment, said, "You know what? Never mind. If you were you wouldn't be here. You'd be off directing things from your cubicle whatever it is you do. Is it made outta a tree?" He grimaced like he smelled something disgusting. "And I really don't wanna know what you get up to in your spare time."
And, ew, another mental image he didn't need.
Benny laughed, shuffling little closer. He may not drink blood from the living, but he still had the reflexes of a vampire in its prime and that was real helpful against human shaped black goo people who could move startling fast when they wanted to.
"We are not hydra, Dean," she said with that smile still on her face. And she said it so calmly, like they were two normal people out for coffee. "When one head is severed we don't grow two more in its place. When the Head is destroyed we are vaguely separate beings. Minds of our owns but the mentality of one."
"Like that makes any sense."
Dean was staring to get nervous. Leviathans didn't just pop in for a quick chat then skip off into the sunset (not that there were any, of course).
They wanted something.
"What do you want?" Cas growled, voice rougher than ever and dripping with threats.
Her eyes flickered to him for a moment before back to Dean. "We just want to talk."
All three of them snorted in disbelief at the same time, making Dean and Benny laugh and Cas' lips to twitch in a small smile.
"Levi's don't just 'talk,'" Benny said.
She looked like she was going to argue. Why a Leviathan was arguing the schematics of them talking or eating was strange in itself. When she shut her mouth and visibly controlled herself….
That was stranger than fiction.
"Have you seen the trees lately?" She asked instead, saying it like she was commenting the weather that didn't happen.
Dean's back snapped he stood up straight so fast. The trees?
She continued like he'd done nothing. "And the sun? It's been a long time since we've had a sun."
Next thing he knew Cas was standing next to him instead of slightly behind and Benny must have reacted when Cas reacted because the vampire was by his other shoulder.
The Leviathan shaped like a man opened his mouth. "'If you murder a monster in monster heaven, where does it go?'"
Dean's stomach churned. He sounded exactly like Cas, not just by words, but the tilt of his voice and how it sounded deep and gravelly.
Of course, all Leviathans were in Cas' body at a time. Chances they picked up a little something something even if they couldn't actually turn into an angel.
But how did he know what Cas said from a few days ago? The Leviathans were dead, unable to communicate with anyone, when Cas said that.
"Yes, where do they go?"
Dean blinked and they were gone.
10.
They tried to spend a few moments thinking about what the Leviathan said (well, after they got the hell away from that spot), but Benny was the first one to grunt something out about not trusting the words of the first evil.
Now, Dean wasn't sure the Leviathans were actually the first evil (it sounded like a kickass title though), but the vampire did have a point.
So when a wendigo came charging at them from the left, another from the right, a werewolf from the front and a skin-walker from behind. Well, let's say Dean was the first to let out a ridiculous war cry and drive straight in.
Benny started whistling again, letting it bounce off and echo, confusing the monsters that had sharp hearing.
Cas ducked and smote (is that what he's doing?) a wendigo then twisted around the werewolf directly into Dean's blade.
They ended up victorious, of course.
11.
In three days there were five Earth-trees. Cas looked at them nervously, but didn't say anything.
And Dean decided not to call him out on it.
12.
"What kinda tree?" Dean asked suddenly, just for no reason, nine and a half months into his lovely visit. "Besides 'big ass.' What kinda tree? What's so special about it?"
Benny shrugged, glancing back at the Earth-tree they passed. "I dunno. A big ass tree. I just 'eard 'bout it. Don't mean I know 'bout it."
"Oh yes," Cas snarked, probably not realizing he was snarking. "You are very useful."
Benny whirled around. "Think you can do better angel?"
"Chill, guys," Dean said. This was normal. They always bickered; it was funny most of the time.
He made himself ignore the memories of two men, one older and one younger, arguing while the one in the middle tried desperately to keep his family together.
Dean squinted and saw an Earth-tree quite a number of yards away.
"Hey, vampire!" He called. "How fast are you?
Benny looked ahead and grinned. "Faster than you," he said and took off without warning.
Dean shouted threats and chased after him, trying his hardest to trip his friend.
They tied, but Cas ended up winning.
12.
He decided that Purgatory wasn't just about fighting for his life.
It was about being free.
There was no burden of finding food or drink. There wasn't even the burden of sleeping; they just liked to do it.
They could run and laugh and taunt each other to their hearts' content. No television, no music, nothing to distract from personal relationships and the truth and souls and emotions and oh my God, did he really just think all that?
13.
"Okay, I can officially say…what the hell?"
There was a forest in front of him, that wasn't new. What was new was that for every five tree for the next mile or so there was one tree that was Earth colored.
What. The. Freaking. Hell?
"I think this is what the Leviathan was referring to," Cas muttered, mostly to himself, but that didn't keep Benny and Dean from over hearing.
"You know what's goin' on?" Benny demanded.
"No," Cas said simply. "I can only guess."
Dean crowded close to the angel. "Tell us your guess."
Cas looked at him and they held each other's gazes for a long moment that made Benny clear his throat and grumble something about kissing and soon and force and or else.
"You are human," the angel finally said.
Uh, yeah, he already knew that thankyouverymuch. Tell him something he didn't know! And that's exactly what Dean said to Cas, word for word.
"Purgatory is meant for monsters," Cas said. He knew that too. "In an attempt for them to repent. When they die they have three options. Be reborn into Purgatory in an attempt to try again. Ascend into heaven as their soul are once again pure or descend into hell as there is literally no hope left."
"So some of these monsters we ganked could come back?" 'Cause, really, that's all he was getting out of what Cas just said.
Cas just gave him this look and said, "Basically."
One glance at Benny told him he was just as confused.
Then Cas said, "But Purgatory hasn't always been Purgatory." He was staring at Dean again. "Not always."
Ah-ha!
…More confusion.
14.
"Into the Hall of the Mountain King" echoed very nicely in Purgatory, but he already knew that.
What he learned that was new was that Benny was very good with back vocals and a quick learner.
Dean had the vampire singing Metallica and Led Zeppelin within days.
Much to Cas' amusement.
15.
It was when he was staring at an Earth-tree that had hundreds of apples hanging from it a month and a half from the Leviathan visit (ten months and two weeks) that he understood.
Kind of.
"If you pick an apple," he said out loud in a wondering voice. He paused and tried again. "If you pick a leaf from one of these trees it goes back to the color of Purgatory." He looked as Cas and Benny.
They were watching him.
"You're not suppose to pick the leaves," he continued. "Because they belong on the tree. They're not yours to pick. Your parents tell you that all the time." He brushed an apple with his fingertips, watching it swing on its stem. "So I shouldn't pick an apple." He glanced at his friends again.
"It would be like Good and Evil," Dean murmured.
16.
"Where's Eve?"
Cas didn't even look at him to answer. "She failed," he said. "And left. She came back, expecting it to be the same, but it was not, and she couldn't leave."
"And instead of trying again," Dean finished. "She decided to make it worse."
The angel nodded. "You are human," he said.
17.
He was human.
18.
One night, day, whatever, while Cas and Benny were sleeping (maybe, he didn't really care that they saw this) he stood in front of an Earth-tree that was right next to a Purgatory tree.
He didn't know why he thought this was going to work.
Dean put a hand on the Earth-tree and the other on the Purgatory tree and just stood there for a really, really long time with his head bowed and his eyes closed.
A hand was on his shoulder after an unknown time and he glanced back, startled, to see Cas standing there, smiling at him.
Benny was wide-eyed and staring.
Dean looked and sucked in a breath.
Two beautiful Earth-trees stood in front of him, deep, dark moss growing around his hands.
19.
He was human.
20.
Eleven months. That was how long he and Cas had been here in Purgatory.
Now he couldn't decide if he should really call it Purgatory.
"I can never go back to the way it was before," Cas said. "It's trying because you're here. That is why there is a sun and bright and birds singing. That is as far it can go."
And, okay, that actually made sense because it'd been Purgatory for so long that it would be impossible for it to snap back in eleven months.
"How'd the Leviathan get here?"
Cas shrugged. "I suspect Eve had something to do with that. The Purgatory the Leviathans were placed in and this one were separate places. She probably fused them together in defiance."
"She can do that?" Benny asked in surprise.
The angel actually shrugged. "A theory," he said.
Well, it was a good theory and it made sense.
Dean spotted ten apple trees in a row.
"We're getting close, aren't we?"
There was no need for an answer.
21.
"Where's Adam?"
"Dead."
"What?"
Cas gave him a strange look. "Who do you think was the Head?"
"That makes no sense," Dean protested. "Adam came after the Leviathan. Hell, he came after the original Purgatory too."
"But Eve was the one who convinced him to temptation after Lucifer did to her," Cas said. "He became corrupt and weak and after she merged the two together she had to do something with Adam."
"So she merged him with the first evil," Dean finished for him, watching Benny check behind a tree while whistling. "And he was strong enough and corrupt enough to be the Head." He grimaced. "And I killed him."
"Yes."
22.
Benny tripped him and Dean grabbed the vampire's arm as he went down, bringing him down too. The human took him in a chokehold and ordered him to beg for mercy.
He retaliated by jamming his elbow into one of Dean's knees, making them crash into Cas who quickly had them both pinned. The human and the vampire joined forces to flip the angel and tickle him.
They sound of their laughter drew in a werewolf, but the sight of them surrounded by the apple trees scared her off.
23.
"We want you to stay," the Leviathan said. It was still in the same shape as before, her teeth still too white.
"Why?" was all Dean asked with Benny and Cas at his back.
She was alone this time.
"If you stay then Purgatory would be gone," she said. "It would be easier for monsters to become pure and harder for them to fall further."
"You were here first," Dean said. "You're the first evil. Why would you want this place to change?"
She grimaced. "That is true," she admitted. "But what else were we suppose to do? There was nothing in this world, no good, no evil, no neutral. We did what we could and only later did we find out it was evil. The rules were made up after we had broken them."
Dean was silent. Cas' hand brushed the small of his back and Benny shifted.
"The taking over Earth thing?" She continued. "I'll admit that was fun, but it was the Head's idea." She frowned. "I just want it to be over. We just want it to be over. With Purgatory gone we could have an easier time at it."
"Tempting." And it really was. "But I really want to go home."
She seemed to deflate. "Fair enough," she said, and then shrugged at their looks of disbelief and skepticism. "I cannot affect you here," she said. "You're too close to the Gate and evil has a hard time attacking."
"You said you weren't evil," Dean pointed out.
She shrugged. "Well, I know that. You know that. But does the Gate know that?"
He blinked and she was gone.
24.
The Gate was a tree in the middle of nowhere. They could see it from the edge of the forest it was that big. It would take at least a month to reach it.
"We need a yellow brick road or something," Dean muttered. "I've got a bad feeling."
Benny voiced his agreement and Cas looked around warily.
"That's the Tree of Life, ain't it?" Dean asked, the thought popping into his mind and demanding to be given a voice. "The tree that Adam and Eve would've eaten from after their stint with the Tree of Knowledge but God kicked them out in time."
Cas nodded, looking please.
And he felt pretty damn proud of himself too. He forgot he knew that. Pastor Jim had shoved it into his head along with so much other Bible crap.
"Still looks like Purgatory," Benny commented. "We sure it's the right tree?"
"Could it be any other?" Cas countered.
"The Tree of Knowledge," he replied. "I figure that tree wouldn't be affected by our little human here."
Dean shoved him. "Not cool, man," he grumbled, but it only made Benny chuckle. "Maybe it's distance? The closer we get the more it looks like a tree?"
It was worth a try.
25.
He was right! Ha! Ha!
26.
It'd been a year since he last saw flowers. He crouched down next to a clump of deep purple ones he didn't know the name to and just looked at them.
Cas ruined the moment by plucking a rose that didn't dull, stripping it of its thorns, and tucking it behind Dean's ear. Benny laughed so Dean shoved his face into some dusty flowers that made the vampire sneeze uncontrollably for a good long while.
27.
Dean stared out at the forest that was more Earth than Purgatory now and it was going to stay that way.
"What happens when I leave?" He asked.
Cas glanced at him with an unreadable look and then glanced at Benny. "It goes back to just being Purgatory."
"So I stay, Purgatory goes back to it's pure form—however long that takes—and if I go it just snaps back to the dull colors and the dark sky and monster having a hard time shooting for heaven?"
Benny patted his shoulder. "Basically," he said.
28.
Dean still decided to go home. They wait a few days, just relax and watch the birds that seemed to group together here. Cas brought up the old argument of an angel not being suited for a human portal, but Dean wasn't hearing it.
He reached out to touch the tree once, but Cas held him back.
"You touch it and you leave," he warned. "Without me. And without Benny."
Yeah, good to know.
29.
He kind of blanked on the whole process. One minute Benny was there. Dean blacked out. And when he woke up Benny was gone, but he arm felt really, really warm. Just close to this side of burning.
Dean yanked up his sleeve and stared at the glowing. It was like those times when he held a flashlight under his fingers and pointed out all the veins to Sammy.
Except there was no flashlight. No Sammy. And it was vampire soul living under his skin.
Cas had his hand on his shoulder, right where the burn was but on the other side.
"This could kill you."
Dean took a deep breath. "It'll be worth it."
The angel shook his head. "I have no body to go back to," he said. "I do not know how long you'll last."
Dean gripped his friend's wrist. "I'll last as long as I need to," he said seriously.
He sighed and nodded. "As you wish."
Dean smiled brightly.
30.
He could see the forest returning to it's dull colors and the sun slowly setting as the Gate engulfed him. Dean turned towards the light, eyes closing, only for something to grab his arm.
"Dean!"
He whirled around, eyes snapping open, and he held on instinctively. "Cas!"
Dean tried pulling the angel, mind racing. How did this—? Why did—? He wasn't suppose to be there! It was just suppose to be a body! Jimmy in heaven and Cas in—
No.
…no.
"Dean!"
"Cas!"
Their hands slipped against each other and their fingers unhooked.
And then there was nothing.
31.
He felt dirty and wrong. He had to eat, he had to sleep, he had to worry about his brother, and the job, and his car, and illness, and water, and wounds.
Sammy was different. He didn't joke or laugh as much anymore.
Dean was different. He felt too wrong to joke and laugh. Like something was missing.
He gripped his shoulder and closed his eyes and pretended for a moment that he could feel warmth right there, waiting for Dean to get off his ass and find a friendly angel to pull some favors and make a vessel. Like what Anna did.
He would ask Anna…but, hey, all his friends were dead, weren't they? (or at least, undead)
32.
In a dream there were whispers telling him he was wrong and that there was still hope.
Well, forgive him if he just wished every other second he was back in Purgatory. He could've been with Benny and Cas forever. He would've been free and unburdened.
He would be human.
Purgatory would be pure.
The Garden would've returned.
He honestly just wished. Because this wasn't worth it.
It really wasn't worth it.