Disclaimer: I absolutely, positively, and undeniably do not own South Park. I inarguably, completely, and definitely do not own any of its characters. They are correctly, undisputedly, and obviously the property of Trey Parker and Matt Stone. However, I do indefinitely, rightly, and certainly own any other characters featured in this document unless specifically, accurately, and clearly stated otherwise. I think I drank too much coffee…
SP
It was only towards the end of their innocence that things turned bad for the boys.
Senior year. South Colorado High School.
It was as it had always been: Stan Marsh, Kyle Broflovski, Eric Cartman and Kenny McCormick. All enjoying their adventures with their loyal friends from South Park.
Stan Marsh was football captain, de facto senior monitor, and church youthie leader. He was gunning for a college down in Minnesota Tech. It had taken Stan a long time, but he finally accepted his role as the leader of South Park's youth and put aside his fear of bearing the consequences for what happened to his friends. Stan couldn't remain a loner for long, it just wasn't him.
Randy and Sharon Marsh had remained together permanently after their most recent attempt to break up. Stan was relieved, but he feared he could likely face something similar in the future as an adult. Everyone knew that his relationship with Wendy Testaburger was no 'kiddie thing' anymore. They were still as mushy with each other as they'd always been, and it was apparent to Stan's parents that their son was one of those rare few who had really found "true love" as a child.
There was a diamond ring waiting for Wendy, and everyone encouraged Stan to ask, but his parents' quarrelling faces always flashed across Stan's mind whenever he looked into Wendy's eyes and tried to reach for his back pocket…
Kyle Broflovski, despite his health issues, was who everyone expected to be the valedictorian. He was under review for Harvard Law – one of the few high school leavers ever to have done so. Though Kyle could no longer run or play football beside his best friend, Stan admitted Kyle's brains had often been the only thing that saved him.
Kyle's diabetes had been treated with new, advanced gene therapy and it hardly bothered him anymore. Insulin shots were no longer necessary and Kyle could now partake in better sweets. Nevertheless, he had still begun to show early symptoms of kidney degradation and poor circulation. It had been Stan who had rushed Kyle to hospital after he collapsed in their junior year.
Kyle had remained single and unlucky in love. He had fallen badly for a Jewish girl in the first part of senior year, and Melody seemed to be fond of him too. However, she did not appreciate the other boys and walked out on Kyle when he refused to give them up for her.
Eric Cartman had finally been released from the therapy program three years earlier. His mother's untimely death from cancer five years ago had devastated him and Eric had given in to his manic rages, nearly killing Butters Stotch in a fit of bloodlust. This time, there was no chance of keeping a lid on the scandal and Cartman was sent back to juvenile hall, this time for the full two years. The boys had managed to help rehabilitate Eric by visiting him and keeping his mind on the good times. Surprisingly, it had been Kyle who found the most time to visit Cartman during his years in juvenile rehab.
Although Cartman wasn't so unstable anymore, it seemed a part of him had died with his mother. He became tired and despondent easily, no longer pursuing anything with his old single-minded determination, even if it was something utterly crazy…
It made things a little less exciting than it used to be for the boys (although the other three privately admitted life with the old Cartman couldn't have been called 'exciting' as much as 'painfully spontaneous'). But it was good to have their friend back at the bus stop again.
As for Kenny McCormick, he had to split his time equally between school, helping his brother at the construction site and taking care of his little sister Karen. His parents had vanished after a long argument six months before graduation, leaving Kevin and Kenny stuck with their massive debt and depleted welfare. Kevin McCormick was by then legally an adult, so they had not been placed in another foster home, but no-one knew better than Kenny that Kevin couldn't run a baseball field, much less a family…
Luckily, the Marshes and Broflovskis tried to make things easier for the young McCormicks. Randy Marsh helped Kevin and Kenny find jobs in a local construction crew while Gerald Broflovski tried to petition for their parents' debts to be annulled. Karen McCormick, of course, had refused to leave her brothers for a foster home and spent her evenings either with Kenny or with Sharon and Sheila, who were teaching her to cook for her brothers.
For better or worse, the boys were still in everything together, and each of them was walking forward to graduate with a smile on his face.
And that, predictably, was when everything went to hell.
For every angel that loved and watched over the boys, there were at least four devils who hated and hungered for them (despite Satan himself's fondness for the boys).
The Mayor of South Park announced plans to retire after being offered a large sum of money by a mysterious tycoon known as Blink. The man himself, who showed up personally in South Park to assume the office, was soon to be the end of the quiet mountain town.
They all knew who he was – Blink had been on the TV for the last few months and had been nominated as Time Magazine's Man of the Year. The alias came from the fact that he rarely showed his face to the public, and never more than once in any location before vanishing. Blink had an enormous fortune built on trading and industrial relations, and he was likely one of the several members of the cartel who controlled America. Still, plenty of Americans (and foreigners) believed he hadn't gotten all his power and wealth honestly, given his large overseas investments and reclusive reputation. This was confirmed when he announced he was buying up South Park's land and establishing a new 'dark zone' for military research. The citizens of South Park protested loudly, but Blink told them he was acting under the orders of the US government and that it had been they who suggested South Park as the location. Whether that was true or not, Blink had the law on his side, and most of the dear neighbors had to say what would probably be their final goodbyes and depart with his compensation money.
Token, Clyde, Tweek, Craig, Timmy, and most of the others were gone. Bebe, Butters, and some others knew it was only a matter of time before they were bought out and pushed off too.
Kenny however, stubbornly stayed put while most of the other families prepared to leave. Whatever else Kenny's parents had failed to do, they had legal ownership of their home, which had then passed down to the McCormick children, held in trust by Gerald Broflovski. Blink had offered Kenny and his family large sums of money to leave, but they were all refused. If it were up to him alone, Kenny might have agreed, but Karen McCormick was completely against leaving home again.
Blink finally showed his true colors when he had Kevin McCormick beaten by thugs in front of his little sister while Kenny was working. They were only poor bottom-feeders, Blink had said, no-one will care what happens to them.
But Kenny cared a hell of a lot. With Kevin in Hell's Pass, Kenny dug out his father's old shotgun and went on the hunt for Blink in his temporary penthouse apartment in Denver. When the other boys learned what was happening, they promptly chased after Kenny to stop him (except for Cartman who was cheering him on).
After finally catching up with Kenny, Stan and Kyle realized the four of them could not stay together; Kenny had already fed buckshot to two of the three men who had beaten Kevin. But Blink and the other thug were out of town and the cops were on their way. Stan and Kyle gave Kenny all their money, Cartman supplied him with a (poorly-made) fake ID and they sent Kenny off on the run. He headed west with Karen, and that was the last the boys saw of him for years.
The next day, the boys were promptly dragged off to the Park County Police authorities, where they saw Blink in the flesh for the first time. He had decided to leave the matter in the hands of the cops and local government to avoid any further mess.
Stan and Kyle denied having anything to do with Kenny's plans, but Blink revealed his security had sighted them in his Denver building. He accused the boys of being accomplices in Kenny's killings.
There was no specific incriminating evidence - the boys had come to stop Kenny after all - but Blink was a strong orator, and it was clear he had done his homework when he revealed the personal histories (and criminal records) of each of them. Quite heartlessly, he announced that they all had a motive to try to kill him because of his relocation of South Park's people, and that 'innocent until proven guilty' didn't necessarily apply in this case.
The boys were discharged after a night in the slammer, with each of their families' facing a much cheaper relocation settlement from Blink and terrible prospects for their futures.
Kyle's Harvard enrolment was suspended indefinitely and his file was red-stamped for other universities. Cartman's small-scale business ventures were all confiscated by Blink and his junior business license was revoked.
Stan got it worst though. His DNA was present at one of the murder scenes (he had taken a leak in one of the toilets when he just couldn't stand it anymore). As a result, he was facing prison for trespassing and accessory to murder. One charge didn't mean much on its own, but together, they could put him in jail for two years.
Randy and Sharon Marsh pleaded with Blink not to press charges against 18-year old Stan, but in the end, their son made a move that surprised everyone. He joined the army to avoid the sentence, leaving his family, Wendy, and his friends to go to Texas.
As a high-school leaver, Stan couldn't join the army as an officer, but because of his upbringing and school football record, he was permitted to enlist in the Rangers. The generals got a waiver for his criminal charges from Washington, much to his family's astonishment. Stan was, of course, confined to barracks for a certain length of time, but there was no way Blink could put him behind bars now.
The best, and by that the worst, Blink could do was evict Stan's family with little in the way of compensation, and they moved down to Texas to be near their son.
Before long, almost every South Park family was gone, except for the Stotches, who were resettled in Denver and given jobs by Blink. The Testaburgers, together with Wendy, were also employed by Blink and allowed to remain in a new settlement in North Park.
The strange thing was…most of the South Park houses and buildings were still standing. Many of them had been deserted for weeks by that point, but Blink had not yet done anything to demolish them for his new dark zone…and he hadn't even after the last family left.
And that was how senior year ended, with Stan was confined to Ranger training, Kyle out on failing health looking for university, Cartman leaving for California to look for a job, and Kenny an underground fugitive.
And all because of one shady tycoon all of them recognized as a villain.
Years passed.
Stan's confinement ended and he was released from base after graduation from Ranger School. He was sent to Iraq as an embassy guard, and then later, to North Korea where he took part in the reunification war. China had fallen out with North Korea, and the Americans now felt no qualms about smashing the souvenir from the Soviet era once and for all.
Of course, most of the war was fought by mercenaries and air force, and Stan didn't see much action from his post at the DMZ, much to his family's relief. There was a time when Stan Marsh would have found his way into any possible trouble that happened by, but without Cartman or Kyle around, 20 year-old Lance-Corporal Stanley Marsh had better sense than to get involved.
Of course, he wasn't spotless. The DI's had put him in kitchen duty whenever he had roughed up his mates in boredom back at barracks. It took all of his self-control not to charge off into battle when a mine went off in the DMZ, which happened almost every day ("Demilitarized my ass."). Stan guessed he had become needy for action, from all the times in South Park.
It was a lonely year for him. Although he got on webcam to his family regularly enough, Wendy's correspondence had stopped several months earlier, as she had not seen him in the flesh for a long time and she had doubtlessly moved on.
He didn't build up much life while away on leave either. Koreans didn't have a reputation for being especially welcoming to foreigners - particularly not American soldiers - but Stan nevertheless hooked up with a local girl he met while on leave in Seoul city to take his mind off his troubles.
After the fall of Pyong-yang, Stan's girlfriend Young Hee asked Stan to stay with her in the new Korea, promising to see to it he was never lonely and that she wanted to keep their relationship going. Stan, however, wanted to get back to his family and find out what had happened to his friends. Anyway, he told her, he knew she was seeing other men, and he had only humored her for the sake of sex. The girl was furious, but Stan ignored her shouting and climbed into the transport back to the USA - much to the snickers of his squadmates, who gave him the lame nickname 'Romeo Phony-o'.
Stan remained in the army after his return, and was assigned to guard duty near the Mexican border. It wasn't exactly a hardship posting, as he was able to visit the local joints and see his family more often. However, shortly afterwards, he was contacted by military brass who said they wanted a word with him, and Stan vanished again.
Kyle Broflovski, meanwhile, had found himself in St Louis, Missouri. Following his father's relocation, Gerald Broflovski had done a discrete job of circulating the truth behind Kyle's red stamp, and it wasn't long before the law professors in certain institutions were offering him places - plenty of lawyers had beef with Blink in thepast.
Kyle slowly worked his way through university, but disaster struck at the end. When the time came to enroll for the bar exam, Kyle was forbidden from entering. While his father's support had kept him studying law, it wasn't enough to persuade the bar executives to ignore the red stamp.
Many of Kyle's professors were outraged and outed the truth to various journalists, but that ended disastrously when the university received a notice from Blink threatening to sue for defamation and unprofessional conduct. The board tried to calm their professors and quietly expelled Kyle to hush up the scandal. Kyle fell into male depression and sulked for several months.
Sheila and Gerald tried to cheer their son up by offering him jobs in the family and trying to remind him he didn't need to have the degree to be a great man. Ike Broflovski promised his brother that he'd get into law university and complete the degree and the bar for him. Kyle patted Ike's trashcan-lid head and said he appreciated it, but even that didn't bring him out of his apathy.
Eventually, and to everyone's surprise, Kyle said he knew exactly what he wanted to do. He booked himself a ticket to Israel. As a registered Jewish US citizen, he was entitled to a dual Israeli citizenship anytime he wanted it. A fresh start in the Old Country…
Gerard and Sheila were at first stunned, and then happy that their son was taking another path to his future. It would be much more difficult for Blink to give Kyle any more trouble in Israel.
But Kyle surprised his family again by joining the Israeli army immediately after his arrival. All Israelis had to do two years in the army, but no-one expected him to enlist straight away. As his poor health kept him from boot camp and active duty, Kyle got an army job as a negotiator and correspondent to Israel's many terror cells, which earned him much respect – he undoubtedly had one of the most dangerous and conscience-demanding jobs in the army.
After his two years in Tel Aviv, Kyle decided he had seen too many things and met too many dangerous people to leave the army without feeling guilt. He had negotiated and averted bloodshed too many times to trust others to do it, so he decided to remain with the Israeli army. With his little black book full of some of the most dangerous people on earth.
Eric Cartman left for California shortly after his arrest and wallowed in depression, refusing all offers of help from the Marshes and Broflovskis. Eric learned just how much he had taken for granted in his old life when he spent his nights homeless on the beach. He had to live on tree fruit and cheap food, losing weight rapidly. He drifted for several months, scraping, begging, and even demeaning himself to petty thievery before he was found by Father Sorenson from Los Angeles' Lady of the Morning Church. Eric shivered in the pews whilst trying to sleep, and the good father asked him how he could possibly be shivering on a warm summer night.
Cartman finally broke after months of silence, blurting out all that happened to him since losing his mother. The horrible last days of her life, juvenile hall, missing junior high school, and having his fledgling adult life ruined by Blink.
Father Sorenson had heard of Blink, and, like many priests in the major US cities, he had faced poor, ruined victims of his ruthless business practices before. The father was one of the few people who knew exactly how much Blink was capable of. He told Cartman he should consider himself lucky that was all he had managed to take away from him.
Cartman had exploded with anger and tried to leave the church, but the father stopped him by telling him that the poor, ragged man shivering with withdrawal in the far altar corner had been another one of Blink's victims. Apparently, this man, once a family man and respected entrepreneur, had refused to let himself be bought out. As a result, Blink had bribed his business partners to vote him out and claim his stocks, which they did, and then had childcare services claim his children on false allegations of sexual misconduct.
Naturally, the press swarmed all over the unfortunate man and he lost not only his business and wealth, but also his reputation. No company in the country would take him on. He had tried legal action, but his cowardly lawyer apparently did the 100-metre sprint in the other direction when he learned who had caused this man's downfall.
Plenty of people had been ruined by Blink, and many far worse than Cartman, Father Sorenson said. The important thing was not to give up, not to give him the satisfaction of staying ruined. When Cartman inquired as to this unusual sentiment for a man of the cloth, the good father said turning the other cheek was important, but probably not before one who struck cheeks to find yet more to strike. He encouraged Cartman not to let himself stay disheartened as he was still a young man and there had not yet been much of him for Blink to take away.
Well, anyone who knew Eric Cartman well would tell you that, whatever his flaws, he had never been a linear thinker and was not averse to bending the rules right out of shape if he felt justified (which didn't take much).
Cartman obeyed the good father and took a job helping clean up the church in the mornings while he made a phone call to Gerald Broflovski. Despite his lingering disdain for Jews, Mr Broflovski was Cartman's only option at that point. Gerald, pleased to hear Cartman was recovering, told him that non-federal business-licensing had been abolished years ago. However, he added, as Cartman was not yet 21, his license had only been a junior – he could still get another one after turning 21.
After that, Cartman thanked Father Sorenson hurriedly and left. He had three years - and to Cartman, this would be a long and unbearable wait. But then again, so had his stay in juvie. Cartman consoled himself by reasoning that at least he would have plenty of time to get some money together to fund his new business ventures.
Cartman was still fairly pudgy and unpleasant in the personality department, which limited his job prospects in California drastically, but one other thing he still had a lot of was his determination. He had met a lot of beach bums like himself while drifting, and figured they were just the kind of co-workers he needed to 'make a million dollars.'
He convinced several other drifters to band together and hire themselves out as a labor force to set up Santa Monica's nightly beach parties. It was a good short-term plan as it was unofficial, changed locations every day, and gave Cartman and the boys a bit of free food and drink if they were lucky. The money for a single job was terrible, but Cartman was usually able to bargain the 'clueless tourists' or 'stupid hippies' up a few dollars. Plus, there were plenty of repeat customers who hosted weekly or even nightly parties and kept Cartman and his buddies on call. And on top of it all, Cartman learned more and more about how to host a great party every night. It wasn't long before his customers were asking for advice as well.
One other thing happened: a former beach babe named Minnie, looking to kick her booze addiction and pull her life together, joined the gang. After a matter of days, she hardly ever left Cartman's side.
And that was how it went on for Cartman for the next couple of years, sleeping under palm trees in shorts by day, and putting up parties all night – a millionaire without a cent to his name.
Kenny McCormick had escaped Colorado, madder than hell and a wanted man, with his sister Karen. The only trace left of him back in South Park was the rumpled and torn orange parka he had discarded. No-one would recognize him without it.
Kevin was still in hospital back in Denver, but he was in a vegetative state and Kenny reckoned he would be safe until he recovered.
Living poor and rough was nothing new to the two younger McCormicks. After crossing the state border into Arizona, sleeping in the woods, Karen and Kenny stowed away aboard a train to Nevada. They were found and kicked off, of course, but they were only just outside the bright lights of Vegas and walked the rest of the way before signing into a local homeless shelter.
When most people thought of Vegas, they thought of The Strip. The city of Vegas itself actually stretched for miles around, and locals avoided The Strip like the plague. After all, they paid taxes so all those short, slimy, sleazy-looking scumbags from out of town could enjoy it.
For Kenny, however, it was a golden opportunity that the train had deposited them in Vegas. Since it was possible for him to be horrendously injured and never truly die, it made for a profitable scam to leap in front of any Rolls Royce, only to reawaken in the hospital or the morgue the next morning. He would show up with police support and usually get a fat pay-off from those slimy tycoons visiting the casinos. They never drove their limos themselves of course, but these days even Vegas chauffeurs showed a record-high alcohol reading and spent all their free time snorting cocaine.
Still, it was only a matter of time until the authorities wised up. He deposited the sullen and depressed Karen in a cheap motel just outside town, and told her to play on its complimentary computer while he went out.
Kenny planned to go on hunting for Blink, but he knew he needed time, and the right kinds of contacts, to take him down. Namely the kind of contacts who hated Blink and stood to gain a lot from his downfall.
Crime lords.
And where better to look for powerful crime lords than Vegas?
Kenny applied for a job as a croupier in one of the casinos, Blue Heaven, using his false ID. It would normally have been a popular job, but the wages in this particular casino were terrible. They apparently also hired and fired croupiers regularly, often still withholding their salary. But that suited Kenny just fine, because it meant this casino was run by and/or serviced the particular clients he wanted.
While working the poker tables at Blue Heaven, Kenny learned it wasn't going to be as easy as he thought. Apparently, all the casino's elite clientele had their own private lounges on the top floors of the building, and only permanent or semi-permanent employees got to work up there, and only after being warned to keep their mouths shut about the clients.
Deciding to indulge himself for an evening, he went downstairs out of uniform and paid to watch the casino's topless dance show. The lead girl, Cherry (a better name for a sleazy, money-grubbing topless dancer Kenny couldn't imagine) spied the handsome, dirty-blond Kenny in the crowd and graced him with a table-top show, something the dancers weren't supposed to do – unless it was a prospective VIP or sugar daddy of course.
While Kenny wasn't personally impressed, he knew Cherry was the spoiled princess of the staff, and the managers let her have anything she wanted because of all the money she brought in to the casino. Kenny whispered to her that he was going to rent a room upstairs, and he would order room service at exactly 2am, when the show finished. "Make sure you are on it."
Cherry gave him a lazy smile and squeezed the crotch of his pants before going back on stage.
Though it nearly ate up all of the money he had left to do it, Kenny went through with his plan and rented a suite on the 12th floor of the casino.
Sure enough, he opened the platter at 2am to find Cherry sitting on it, clutching a bottle of champagne to her bare chest. She promptly pounced on Kenny and two hours later they were both lying, drained, in the double bed. Kenny was so exhausted he felt he was going to spontaneously combust (again) at any moment, but he knew he had to be in her good graces for what came next. He already knew she wasn't the sharpest knife in the drawer, so he figured she'd be gullible enough to take the bait.
Kenny revealed who he was, and, choosing his words carefully, asked Cherry to help him stay in the casino and get up to the VIP lounge, promising her compensation. Cherry was initially startled and upset that he wasn't a wealthy client, but a repeat performance of the night's fun put paid to that. Kenny said there was nothing to stop them from enjoying the facilities together "off the record".
Cherry almost bit Kenny's hand off (among other things), and before long, he was up in the VIP lounge. He never saw Blink, but over the next few months, he made a few top-level contacts. One of his clients, a drunken Japanese businessman that Kenny heard through the grapevine was involved with the Yakuza, got completely wasted one evening and Kenny helped him into his limo.
Kenny knew how to play best buddy to drunks, thanks to his father, and before long, Sakashita was offering him jobs, money, girls, and the finest drugs in the Pacific for being such a 'good boy'.
"Loyalty is so hard to come by these days," Sakashita sniffed when he finally reached the depression stage of saturation. "Even the Japanese youth don't know the meaning of honor anymore. Thank Buddha there are still boys like you out there…"
Taking advantage, Kenny mentioned what had happened to him, and Sakashita was obviously sympathetic. "I know about Blink all right," he growled, turning violet. "Filthy, honorless cur stole my family's property in LA. If I ever get the chance, I'll blow his filthy brains out myself!"
Kenny, knowing he had to be careful, humbled himself and mentioned what had happened to his brother, asking Sakashita for help. The boss, without a word, signaled to one of his bodyguards and took a long wooden case from him. He opened it and handed Kenny a beautiful Japanese sword in a long, painted sheath. "Go on, take it. I'm giving it to you for nothing. If you're going after Blink, it's the least I can do. Cut his head off for me…"
Shortly afterwards, Kenny went underground again, moving on to Los Angeles to chase down the leads he had acquired. And to learn to use his new weapon in the pits…
And this, dear reader, is where the story really begins...