Disclaimer: Don't own the characters of Penn or Karnow
Thanks to Minarett, dmf1984 and McCoylover for beta-reading this!
A silly one-shot drabble inspired after watching "Never Let Me Go." (Translation, no logic involved)
Six Kisses of Rachel Pirzad
"What do you say we go home," Dr. Lee Rosen said to Rachel Pirzad as they prepared to leave Fenton, PA.
"Home sounds good," she said, not wanting to go 'home' and unable to 'go home.' However, familiarity was what she wanted and craved after the resolution of the murders by Jessica Elkhart and the lingering, embarrassing pain of her first – and only- date with Sam.
It was a long drive back, and thankfully, Dr. Rosen avoided topics she didn't want to discuss. Listening to the eclectic music collection he had relaxed the young woman, allowing her time to decide on the next steps to take on her so-called social life.
Her first major hurdle was so silly, so simple. Yet it was that kiss, everything wrapped in it that paralyzed her.
Glancing to her left, she saw him smiling. "What's so amusing?"
"You've a lovely voice, Rachel. That and I'm surprised you'd know a song this old."
Rachel blushed, belatedly realizing she was singing along to the "Shoop Shoop Song," but continued to sing it to the final note.
"I imagine you enjoy a wide variety of music," he said.
She shrugged. "We almost always have the radio on at the loft. Mostly songs you probably wouldn't know –not because you're- you-." She stopped short of saying old, aware that logically, he was almost her father's age.
This time Dr. Rosen chuckled. "I march to my own drummer. I won't apologize for that."
"Is that why you and your wife divorced?" The words flew from her mouth before she realized it, adding a new level of morbidity than the dreaded first kiss. "Oh my goodness! Dr. Rosen-!"
His laughter grew with genuine warmth. "If it were only that simple, Rachel. No, I made too many mistakes, so blinded to…" He cleared his throat. "Actually, two of my most awkward kisses happened while I was with her. The first time I kissed her and once more when I kissed her goodbye. Everything was so tangled up, emotionally, sensory-wise that even logic couldn't fit in."
"I'm sorry." She was, too. Sometimes, Rachel knew she didn't see him as a person – almost the way students naively questioned teachers having lives outside of the classroom. And yet, it was his humanity that drew her to him to boldly consider something these past few days on the case.
"You've nothing to apologize for, Rachel. They're my past failures I try not to repeat, try not to let hold me back."
Rachel gave a thin grin. If she chose to listen, she'd hear a second meaning in that last remark.
"Fine," she said, realizing if it made sense saying it aloud, it could be fine. If it didn't… "The more I think about what went wrong with my kiss with Sam, the more I know that there were too many things to think about, too much stimuli coming in. I barely know him, so there's nothing to be familiar with."
"Continue," Dr. Rosen encouraged.
"If all the other factors are familiar, then it's only the kiss, that would never change the familiarity, that could be focused on, right? Just that simple touch and nothing more, to dismiss the sights and the sounds and the tastes and the-." She stopped to catch her breath. "I mean to say, I think…I've..."
"You have an elegant hypothesis," Dr Rosen said. "How are you going to test it?"
Rachel took advantage of the red light, leaned over and kissed him.
Just before the light turned green, he leaned back and said softly, "That's all."
Rachel nodded. It was all; it was everything; it was wonderful; it was safe; and it was perfect.
The next day at the office, Rachel took comfort in that Dr. Rosen began the day as he always had, setting his things down at his desk after greeting everyone. His tone remained the same as he greeted her, too.
During their morning session, the topics were typical, the review of projects productive and the rest of the day's schedule the same. At lunch time, Rachel followed Dr. Rosen to the park, away from cameras or familiar faces.
He handed her half of his sandwich. "I confess you caught me completely off guard last night."
Rachel blushed. "I'll understand if you're disappointed-."
"No, I'm not disappointed, Rachel. Nothing you can do would ever bring that kind of response from me. I always fear the reverse –of me disappointing you, the others. No, you showed an entirely new level of assertiveness that…impressed me." He smiled. "That, along with the kiss, is what put me off balance."
"For the record, my hypothesis worked," she said smiling as she divided a sweet roll from her lunch bag. "I never knew a kiss could be so…enjoyable like that."
"Making more discoveries," he said, setting his beverage down on the other side of him. "What other bold-?
Rachel tilted her head to one side, closing the distance between them on the bench. Swiftly, she leaned in and kissed him.
This time, she listened to his heart beat; the familiar skipped beat replaced with a quickened pace. She heard the rustling of his jacket as he moved his hand down towards hers. She heard her own heart racing as he pulled away from the second kiss that was much, much shorter than the first.
Dr. Rosen swallowed as he removed the bag's contents and spread it out on the bench between them. The two of them ate their lunch in relative silence and relative privacy under the shade of the trees.
Rachel fled the apartment after Cameron Hicks left. She was mortified to have caught him and Nina Theroux making out on the couch, half naked. She was horrified that she failed to listen as she came down the stairs from her bedroom to get something to eat.
Even after the awkward encounter, Nina's professions that it was all right to stay, Rachel left, without phone, jacket, purse or keys. She lost count of how many blocks she ran before stopping to hail a cab.
Granted, she had no logical reason to tell the cabbie to taker her to a certain house on Burton Street, but she did. As the cab pulled into the empty driveway, she feared the worst, chiding herself for not thinking, not planning, not-.
The front door opened, Dr. Rosen, casually dressed in jeans and pullover, looked out, concerned. Rachel asked the driver to wait, going to her doctor, drenched in the few yards between cab and door.
"I-I've no-," she began. He brought her into the house before grabbing his wallet to pay the cabbie.
She paced back and forth on the tiles of the entryway, fearful of getting the carpet wet. When he returned, he sounded surprised that she remained where he left her.
"Better dry you off before you catch your death of cold. And yes, I know it's a suspected old wife's tale, but the last thing needed is for any of you to fall ill. Missing's bad enough."
Rachel allowed herself to be led to the guest room before he vanished to grab a towel from the room next door. She took in the décor, a corner nightstand with a few books stacked on it, a rocking chair by the window.
She turned to face him before he entered. "Any word from Gary or Bill?"
He stopped a moment, the large towel held out to her. "Um, no. Not yet. Rachel, what were-?"
She told him everything she saw in the living room. Yes, part of her felt like the youngest child tattling on an older sibling. Yes, part of the need to tell was meant to steer herself away from what she wanted to do next. No, she had no logical plan in place now.
Dr. Rosen's expression was difficult to read as he remained at the door. "That would be an unusual scene to walk in on."
Rachel bit the inside of her cheek. It was unusual to have the thoughts she did now, thoughts she couldn't express but so desperately wanted to act upon. "I don't…I…"
"I could turn the heater on for you, find you some dry clothes from the dresser behind you over there," he offered. "I'll put the kettle on, for starters."
She sat down once he left; buried her face in the towel, and stifled a scream. Once she composed herself, Rachel helped herself to a pair of sweats, the material having a very worn yet comfortable feel against her skin. Pulling her hair back, she put it up in a twist, holding it in place with a pen she found.
Walking barefoot across the living room carpet, Rachel guessed that it had been replaced within the last few years, unlike the bedroom carpet. Between the feel of the fibers and the wrapping of warm air around her, she felt more at home here than she ever did at the loft.
"I didn't mean to have you go through so much trouble," she said when she joined him in the kitchen.
Dr. Rosen turned and smiled at her. "It isn't any trouble." He set down a cup of tea. "I hope this helps you relax. It's a blend of-."
"Lavender, jasmine, and peach," she said inhaling the aroma. "No chamomile. Interesting."
He blushed. "My own blend, if you will. I would have placed a sprig of mint in there, but alas-."
"It still tastes wonderful," Rachel said. The steam caressed her face the way she wished Dr. Rosen's hands would. Thankfully, she could blame the flushness of her face on the tea.
Between the room temperature, the tea and the current attire, it didn't take long for Rachel to feel the effects of the combination. He led her towards the couch where she fell down against the large, soft pillows.
"If you promise me you won't roll off, perhaps we should call this your bed for the evening," he suggested as he sat down at the other end of the couch, covering her legs with the throw blanket made of viscose, cotton and silk.
Rachel gave him a tired smile as she handed him the empty cup, sitting up as she did so. When he was close enough, she wrapped her arms about his neck and kissed him.
Dr. Rosen's lips were soft, his neck smooth as his face bore the rough texture of the five o'clock shadow. Cotton – he always wore cotton – rubbed against the thick material she wore, material she wished didn't exist between them like so many other things.
He didn't man-handle her as his hands wrapped around her wrist in an effort to disentangle himself. His salt-pepper hair brushed her face briefly as he turned away, his hands placing hers one atop the other on her lap before he pushed himself off the couch.
"Um," he said, looking anywhere but at her. "I…I should…."
Rachel threw her head back as she put the other senses to use, realizing his cell phone vibrated from the other side of the house. How could she be so stupid, she thought? Maybe there was a place at Binghamton for her for the physically insane.
She sat up, knew what he was going to say before he returned to the room. "Well, Bill and Gary have been found. I'm going to bail them out of jail. I may need you to bail me out if I end up strangling Bill for this." He paused. "Better yet, call Gary's mother, Sandra. She'll kill me right after I kill Bill. Sound like a plan?"
Rachel was aghast at the news and then the proposed response. It took a moment for her to realize he was joking. Mostly. Maybe.
"Why don't I just go with you to be sure none of that happens, Dr. Rosen?"
His smile assured her that he wasn't completely angry with her about what had happened before the kiss. "My car's a two-seater, remember?"
Rachel hugged her knees, renewed by this exchange of humor. "If you die, can I have it?"
He pretended to mull it over for a moment. "It's better than her 'borrowing it' I suppose. I'll return."
She didn't have to ask who 'her' was, given that it was her roommate. As the door closed behind him, Rachel said softly, "I'll be waiting."
The debacle of the kidnapping case resolved, Rachel agreed to get a ride 'home' from Nina, long enough to pack some of her things for some time away. The young woman didn't bother telling her roommate where she was going. But for good measure, Rachel called a cousin who agreed to cover for her.
Staying with Dr. Rosen had become the most calming – and frustrating –time for her. Even as the team had their challenges in helping Skylar Adams get away, Rachel sensed there was more going on with her teammates than she cared to get involved in.
No, that wasn't true. She did care – for Dr. Rosen.
When he had returned from his trip to Toronto with Nina to check in with Skylar one last time, he had a tired, a look of shame on his face.
"What's wrong," she asked, wanting to erase that expression from his face. He didn't seem to hear her. So she stepped within his personal space and kissed him, tasting the green tea on his breath, smelling the various scents that wafted in on him during the drive back.
The kiss brought him back to her, just as she hoped. "What's wrong," she asked again.
He took her hands in his as he sat down. "Oh, Rachel. I held in my hands something that would have helped me find the one I had lost so long ago. I lied to them, saying it would help me find 'every Alpha' but… How silly of me. You asked me what's wrong and we both know how I've so, so wronged you."
She sat down on his lap. "You've always said I should be assertive, Dr. Rosen, and-."
"Let's…I…"
Rachel blushed, wondering why she had kept the habit for so long, even outside of office hours. "Lee, I…I've learned so much from you. What's wrong with learning more?'
Before he could answer, seeming to struggle for the right words to say, Rachel kissed him once more. The cologne he used was subtle; as was the aftershave on mornings he used it. She could identify the laundry detergent he used without going into the laundry room to check. She could get a faint smell of the bar of soap he used, as well.
Rachel's craving included drinking in more of the scents about him, wanting to experience a kiss during different times of the day: after his swim, after his shower, just because.
Her heart leapt with joy at the touch of his hand on her shoulder. Her heart stopped when he returned the kiss.
The only reason Rachel found herself back at the loft was because it was her choice. That and when her father said he wanted to visit her after work, she decided it was best not to put her cousin in an awkward situation. The blessing of the return was that Hicks and Nina weren't as obvious as before.
Of course, one step forward brought three steps back – what, with Rachel's sister's engagement party, Nina cleaning house in a big way (it was all Rachel could do not to panic at the notion that all of her things were being moved out), and a daring attempt to deny a relationship with Dr. Rosen.
When Nina listed the options to Rachel's failed 'backup plan' of a 'date,' the young woman remained silent when Nina mentioned their boss's name.
Yes, some steps were taken forward, but going all the way back to the beginning was not an option.
Thankfully, Gary was there to rescue her that night.
Thankfully, he and Rachel were able to save the rest of the team – and the others trapped inside – in time.
That night, after the fire, Rachel left Cameron and Nina alone, escaping to Lee's place to check in on him. He had already been alone too long for her liking.
"I killed a man, Rachel," he said, still wearing the clothes saturated with the smell of smoke and gasoline as well as perspiration and fear. "I…I shot him."
Rachel took him to the master bedroom and sat him down in the armchair by the window. Getting him to change would take a series of steps, steps she didn't want to rush him through if he wasn't ready.
"You saved the others, those trapped by his influence." She knew she spoke the truth based on what she had learned that morning, read the files printed up. Yet reading of it and being there were two different things, things she wished he would share with her.
"I don't think I could sleep even knowing that, Rachel."
She saw him hurting, almost as badly as he hurt when Marcus Ayers was shot. She saw her friend hurting and the only thing she wanted to do was take the pain away, even with something as silly and small as a kiss.
She convinced him to shower, laying out clean clothes for him. When he emerged, she tucked him in under the covers, and then climbed in to bed beside him, snuggling close to him, all the better to hold him in her arms.
Rachel didn't like the idea of a holding cell in the office, felt Dr. Rosen's response was the same as hers even if he didn't say so. She could read him that well.
Her time away from Nina allowed her to read the manipulator almost as well, but Hicks was easier – easier to read than Gary. That's how the young woman knew the morning would not go well after Dr. Rosen's gentle warning to Nina about the relationship she and Hicks were pursuing.
The tension in the office worried Rachel, especially the manner in which Hicks charged at Dr. Rosen about the relationship. Luckily, Dr. Kern's research material gave her the excuse needed to intercept.
"I don't think you're in a place to make that decision," Hicks hissed.
"I'm always interrupting," Rachel said as she stepped into the office. Watching the former Marine retreat, Rachel reflected on their routines, reviewing the fact that there were no signs to let on that anything had really changed between her and Dr. Rosen, especially the fact that she was now living in his house. The remark made angered her just the same.
When they finally made it home, after the fiasco with Kern's attempt to escape, along with Griffin's successful escape, the only thing Rachel wanted was a drink. The sound and smell of a bottle of scotch being opened from the other room surprised her.
Lee blushed. "It's from Nina's collection, in case you're wondering. Thought it better to keep it here than within Cameron's reach, before…"
Rachel remembered. Had she known about the bottle sooner, she might have given thought to having a strong drink after the disastrous dinner party her parents held. Then again, drinking with company was safer.
"I saw how badly you were hurt when Kern flung us across the room," she said, accepting the short glass, curious to the taste of the liquid. "Why didn't you let the others help you?" What she wanted to ask was 'Why didn't you let *me* help you?'
His glass was emptied before answering, in part to numb the pain, in part to find the words. "You remember how triage works, Rachel," he said gently. "My injuries weren't *that* bad."
Rachel bit back the word 'liar' as she placed a hand over his. How much did he really see? How bad was his blindness? How long before she could inform him, confront him that she knew what Gary had said after their encounter with Anna?
"Are you all right," Lee asked.
Rachel nodded. She was playing with fire – she knew that. She was challenging her friend, her boss, her doctor to walk a high-wire act without falling, without a net. Despite the relatively platonic living arrangements, was it better for her to stay, where she was cared about, independent and safe? Or was it better to take a different path, seeing how much she could hold on to by letting go?
Aware of the sensations of the previous kisses and their separate focuses, Rachel placed a hand to Lee's clean-shaven cheek and kissed him once more, taking in everything and more. The kiss, both awe-inspiring and sensual, held an awkward promise.