Far Too Close

One

Each day began the same way: the merciless, ear piercing shrill of my alarm clock, then -

"8:30, wakey!"

Asuka came and yanked my blanket away. Things get repetitive. I wonder if she writes down "wake Youji up at 8:30 sharp" in her everyday schedule, excluding weekends. I'll seriously have a go at her if she does this at the weekends too, but well, on normal days, 8:30 is get up and get ready time. Not that I think that's necessary at all, I mean, our working area is just the front half of the apartment. But hey, that's living with a woman for you. Got to let her rule over some parts of your life, otherwise she'll feel oppressed and all. And one does not want an oppressed woman in the house, it's a safety hazard.

Routine things again, clean up, get changed, have breakfast. Cornflakes sitting at my desk today. If there's one thing weird about Asuka, it's this: She always knows what I want to have for breakfast. Cornflakes today, porridge yesterday, English breakfast (you know, bacon and eggs and tomatoes and all) the day before that. She just knows. Psychic. But then again, I've always liked cornflakes. Crunchy munchy, makes great night time pig outs, at least I don't have to feel guilty afterwards because cornflakes are low fat.

The cornflakes were all in the la-la land in my stomach by 9:00, should start working but there really wasn't much to do. What do private detectives sound like to you? Professional people? Let me tell you that what I do usually fall into 3 categories: 1) Find lost person 2) Find lost pet 3) Track down unfaithful marriage partners/boyfriends/girlfriends. Interesting? I don't think so. Hardly ever do I get to do things with real actions in. My exercise routine is more like a personal thing than a thing done for my job. I just like being fit. Ha.

Rocking back on my chair, I crossed my feet and rested the heels on my desk. For once, opposite me, Asuka hasn't started doing the paperwork yet. She was waiting for me to finish my breakfast, I could tell. Got something to say.

"Sister phoned up."

"Eh? What's up?"

"She wants to see you."

"Aww, she misses me."

"Youji, I think it's about your mother."

Slowly, I put down my feet and sit up straight, resting my hands on the desk. About my mother? That woman?

Asuka walked over to me and held my hands in hers. Her hands were shaking. No, actually, mine were. "You want me to go with you?"

"I'll go before dinner... you got a date with Ryu right?"

Ryujirou. Asuka's boyfriend. He's a rock-climbing instructor or something like that. I don't know much about him, only seen him once, looked like any random guy, don't know why Asuka picked him. One says you can't explain love, I guess that's what it is.

"I can always cancel it."

"Doesn't matter. I'll call you afterwards."

With no sympathetic smile, no extra, unnecessary questions like "sure?" or "will you be alright?", Asuka just walked back to her desk and started working. I liked her for this. She's a no-bullshit person.

So the two of us started working, scribbling away on pieces of paper, looking at photographs, envelopes, whatever we used to track down whoever we were looking for, in the front half of our apartment which we rented from the parish very cheaply. There used to be a few of us living together, friends we grew up with, then they left one by one, moving out for lovers or back with their families or emigrating somewhere. Eventually only Asuka and I were left. I think I'm going to stay here forever. Don't have anywhere to go. Asuka I'm not sure, I guess one day she'll get married, then she'll be gone too.

I couldn't quite concentrate with the knowledge that I'll need to see Sister soon, so I stopped, walked around and looked at what Asuka was doing on her desk. She insisted on having a desk of her own, although she never had much to do. Anyway I got her a pine wood one from Muji, which she decorated with a sarong, some photoframes, a desklamp that was actually a bedside lamp (with a blue lampshade), and little things here and there. It looked more like a fortune teller's desk to me. But everything was well ordered, just like my desk, because we were taught by Sister to be well ordered since we were young.

5 pm, time's up, I was off. Life was repetitive, but stable, comfortable. I liked it that way.

"Where're you?"

"Outside, on the Squeaky Bench."

"Okay, wait for me right there."

I could feel the piece of paper in my pocket. It pressed against my thigh as I sat down on the Squeaky Bench, which got its name for the obvious reason. It was the must-avoid bench when we wanted to sneak out at the middle of the night to look at the stars and talk, because it just made so much noise that we were bound to be caught.

Crumpled. A name, a telephone number, an address written in blue ink from Sister's good old fountain pen. I let the paper stay in my pocket, didn't take one single look at it. Didn't want anything to do with it, yet couldn't bring myself to just throw it away. Hadn't I tried to find this information for many years?

"Youji?"

I lifted my eyes, saw Asuka, and gestured for her to sit beside me. She smelled of the perfume I got her for her birthday, a date I picked at random because she didn't know when it was. Not many of us, amongst our old group of friends, knew their own birthdays.

I gave her the piece of paper. She read it, then looked at me, expecting me to say something. I was almost lost for words. She just waited, incredibly patiently, for me to form a proper sentence.

"I didn't read it. After so many years... do I really want to know?"

No comments from her. Yes I just wanted a listener.

My mother had green eyes. That is all I can remember. I inherited those eyes, emerald green, and though beautiful and mesmerising, so the people say, I invested into sunglasses to cover them up. I don't want to look like her.

My father was Japanese, but mother spoke a different language. I never knew what it was. Something like Russian or German. Not that I cared. I understood what she was saying to me. Sit here in the park, play with the yo-yo, mommy will be back soon, mommy will get you the ice-cream.

I told her I wanted strawberry ice-cream. She promised me she'd get it.

I waited, waited, waited. Some one hundred ups and downs with the yo-yo, mommy no come back. Another hundred ups and downs with the yo-yo, mommy no come back still. A lady walked over and asked if I was lost, I told her mommy was getting me strawberry ice-cream. She smiled, messed my hair which was naturally brown and wavy, and left. I didn't like my hair being messed up, didn't like strangers. I just wanted mommy.

It got dark. No mommy, no ice-cream. I didn't want ice-cream anymore, I just wanted to go home. If I didn't ask for strawberry, maybe mommy would have been back by now. Why didn't I ask for vanilla or chocolate? If I didn't ask for strawberry...

No mommy. She must still be looking for strawberry ice-cream. She promised.

"She promised..." My voice died down into a whisper. I didn't know if Asuka could hear me or not, she didn't say a word.

"What does she want now? Just to take a look at me, see how her son's doing? Why, only after so many years, that she decides she'll contact the orphanage to find me? Or she wants to say sorry? That she'll take care of me from now on? I'm an adult already. My childhood is gone. Gone. I never had a childhood. And what do I want from her? Nothing! I just want a strawberry ice-cream... just a strawberry ice-cream..."

Bringing my feet onto the bench, I pulled my knees towards myself and wrapped my arms around them. A sudden gust of wind swept the fallen leaves, blowing off more from the trees as well, painting the sky a golden brown as trees swayed about limply without a will of their own. It caught me off guard, this beautiful scene, but I was in no mood to admire it. My eyes burned, but no tears came. They never came, they wouldn't come now. I didn't worry about it. I felt cold, from the heart and by the autumn winds, so I held myself tighter, tighter still.

It was the delicate chiming of a gentle tone that finally caught my attention. The soft music was getting closer, clearer, as if playing just for me. An ice-cream van painted in a rainbow of colours, little cartoon characters drawn all over it, with that endless ringing of a musicbox tune, stopped in front of the Squeaky Bench, in front of us.

I hid my face. Put my hands on my ears. I didn't want to know, didn't want to see, didn't want to hear.

Get thee behind me, mother.

Finally, I wanted to leave. Get away, run away, be anywhere but here, be anywhere but this close to the strawberry ice-cream I never got to eat. I never bought myself strawberry ice-cream.

I lifted my face.

Strawberry ice-cream in a cone held before me. Artificially pink. Asuka smiled at me, her face also pink, from the cold.

I stared at the ice-cream. I saw my shaking hand reach out for it, the fingers closed around the cone, brought it closer. I stared at it harder. My eyes burned more.

Parted my lips, tasted it. Cold, sweet, artificial, strawberry ice-cream. I liked it. My eyes were wet, then my cheeks too. The ice-cream in my hand became a blur of pinkness. Finally, I let myself go. Outside the orphanage I grew up in. In front of the woman I grew up with. Strawberry ice-cream I hadn't tasted for fourteen years. I cried.

I've never fallen in love before.

Was that a surprise to you? Nineteen years I had been through, but I never loved. It didn't seem strange to me. I was never ready for a relationship, to love or to be loved.

"The house's yours tonight."

Asuka winked at me, checked her makeup one final time and left for Ryu. Perhaps growing up with me made her sort of see differently from the normal typical young women because she knows me so damn well. I'm a grown man, there is a sex drive, so it's only natural for me to want and desire, yeah? Even though I have no girlfriend doesn't mean that doesn't need to be sorted out. I don't muck around. It's the type that both sides know what they're looking for and once they get it, it's over. Nobody loses anything. Asuka knows about my things with women, it doesn't bother her much I suppose.

I only wished it did.

Never felt that way before. But that feeling just suddenly came so strongly, like a realisation, that something had been there since long ago. A realisation, that I love her, that came to me when she gave me that strawberry ice-cream. The moment I took it from her hand, I knew.

Mind you, I haven't mixed up my feelings for Asuka with my longing and hatred for my mother, threaded tightly together in a web so intricate I don't know if I want to know her anymore. It's more like discovering that I've always loved her, all these years.

Not that it'll do much now, Asuka's in mad love with Ryujirou already.

It was still early, I mean late for dinner but early for a night out. I reheated the stir fry and rice for dinner, then thought about baking a pie. Asuka dies for my fruit pies, but they were rather simple to make, she can do it herself and sometimes I really wonder if she loves them that much or she just says it to make me feel proud. But Asuka's rarely ever does things like that, she only does it when I'm depressed, and when I'm depressed I cook and feed everyone and believe it or not, it makes me feel better. Most of the time I don't bother to cook, I prefer eating Asuka's cooking.

I got ready to go out at around midnight, humming some random tune as I picked out a pair of sunglasses from my rather large and still growing collection. Then I heard the door open and poked my head out of my room. Didn't Asuka say she'll be out all night?

She stormed passed as if she didn't see me, shutting herself in her room. Um. Funny. Something must have gone wrong with the date. Testing the waters, I knocked her door with one finger. No reply.

Alright. Not going out anymore, gotta sort out the lady of the house first. From past experience, I must wait for her to talk to me instead of asking her what was wrong, so I got into the kitchen, got my flour and margarine and sugar and apples and started making my apple pie. Fifteen minutes later, when I had it in the oven, I heard a door click and Asuka stepped out of her room in her ankle boots.

There was one thing that I had always thought. That whatever problems arise, somehow we could get over it. It had been that way since years ago, from the toy-snatching days, to copying notes, revising for exams, to renting our own apartment, getting independent of the orphanage. Asuka and I always managed to at least scrape through whatever hell we got into, as long as there's the pair of us together.

But this time, I felt rather helpless myself when Asuka told me that Ryujirou was seeing someone else, but he said it was a mistake, that he would ditch the other woman; that she believed him, then he did it again. There was nothing I could do, nothing at all that would help.

With tears welling in her eyes, she said she still loved him.

That was shoving a knife into me.

"I knew... if there's a first time, then there might be a second time! A third time! I shouldn't trust him! I really shouldn't!"

"But?" I lifted an eyebrow, somehow knowing what she would add next, though I didn't want to hear it. Dump that guy Asuka, there's one right here, sitting next to you, who loves you more than he ever could.

Asuka sank herself into the old sofa. Tears accompanied a bitter smile. "But I want to believe him."

"Because you love him." I said grimly.

"I do." She pulled at her short hair, then started making some meaningless yells the way she always does when she felt like packing up her sanity and sending it off to some distant galaxy. "I do!"

Asuka cried rather hard. I just looked at her, didn't do anything or say anything. What could I do? We are long past the huggy stage, I don't know since when, but we just grew out of it, probably aware that we were already too close to be just best friends and we shouldn't get any closer. It would upset the delicate balance between us.

After a good while, I said, "Your mascara and eyeliner are running."

"Bullshit. They're waterproof." She laughed, wiping her tears. "You baking?"

"Ha! Not smudge proof though!" I pointed and laughed too. "You bet. Time to get the pie outta the oven."

Asuka shrugged, not quite caring that she looked like a panda now. I had seen her in worse states so she wouldn't even care if she looked like a kangaroo in front of me.

"Youji, thank you." She smiled at me when I sat down the piping hot apple pie right in front of her.

I grinned back. The grinning somehow hurt. "It's just a pie."

"I mean, for everything."

"Geez, how long have you known me? You know there's no need to say that, plus I didn't do anything did I."

"But I always feel better when you're around, Youji."

It was nice to hear that. So nice. The way she smiled, the way she said my name, it felt as if I really was very important to her, so very important.

"Don't treat me like some stuffed teddy. You ain't gonna hug me and cry yourself to sleep."

So I wished.

"No, but you're my official baker."

Watching her eat the pie with tears drying on her cheeks, burning her tongue and laughing at herself for it, I knew that I was willing to do this forever. To bake for her, to make her laugh, to watch out for her just like this. I knew, at the age of nineteen, Asuka would be the only woman I would do all this for, she would be the first, and the last woman I would love.

No regrets.

How should I put it, living with the woman I love, seeing her, seeing her seeing someone else, seeing that someone else seeing somebody else. If that makes no sense to you, don't worry you aren't alone. It makes no sense to me neither.

Where do I stand? Nowhere. I acted as a listening ear, I just had to be there when Asuka needed me. No, that wasn't required from her, it was from me, I want myself to be there, to shower my love for her, until perhaps, one day, the skies open up and a beam shines down to let her see who really loves her and make her love me. If that ever happens. In the meanwhile, I will just continue to be the Youji I used to be, releasing myself to the world of neon lights, spiked smoke and kisses from painted lips and let all that comfort me, so that I, in turn, can comfort her without ever doing anything that is outside our "best friends" boundary.

I no longer want to be her friend. Not friend. I'm not satisfied with such a title. However, to try anything was to destroy it for myself, because I know she loves Ryujirou, loves him so much she is willing to fool herself into believing that the man would be faithful to her. I take one step further, I lose my "friend" title as well. It was a gamble I cannot take.

As soon as I was out of the bathroom I heard Asuka coming back. There was a guy's voice as well. Oh yeah, she did say that Ryujirou would drop in for a while. Instead of walking out bare-chested like I normally did after a shower, I got dressed, hanging the white towel around my shoulders for my wet hair. No guys in their right mind would want to see his girlfriend living with another man who walks around half naked. Especially the type where they've grown up together and are really close. Not that I cared about that Ryujirou's feelings, I just didn't want Asuka to be embarrassed.

This time I took a good look at him, head to toe, and categorised him as the "you belong in Hell" group in my mind. There was nothing about his looks that made me think that, but it was the way he moved, the way he smirked, you know, the whole thing about him that just made me want to punch him in the face. Maybe it was my preconception of him making Asuka cry, or more importantly, the knowledge that this man, here in my home, has the heart of this woman, here in her and my home, plus that he wasn't taking care of it.

I forgot to mention that chilly stare he flashed me when I walked out and said hi. It was only momentary, but I caught it.

I fled back into the privacy of my room as soon as I greeted him. Didn't want to see them together. Knowing it is one thing, seeing it, being there when it happens is another. I wasn't prepared for this, Asuka did tell me he would be here, but it totally went over my head after I talked to Sister over the phone this afternoon about the woman otherwise known as my birth mother.

I had decided not to see her, unless she could give me some very good reasons why I should. If she could come up with any, she would contact Sister and then we'll see how things turn out. I was going to just give a plain "no" as my reply, but Sister was right, I should try to think about it from my mother's side. Perhaps there was some reason that she had to leave me and couldn't find me all these years. Everything had their reasons. 'reserve some space in your heart, Youji." Sister said. She said I had been too tough with the world, too tough with myself. I don't quite think so. Don't even know what she meant.

"Youji?"

"Come in. Ryu's gone already?"

"You don't seem to like him." Asuka was changed into her pajama already, which was an oversized t-shirt and old jogging pants cut into shorts.

I shrugged, climbing into my bed. "I do."

"You're a terrible liar."

"Only in front of you." I said. She had that "I'm too smart for you" smile on her face. "He doesn't like me. You saw that. So I stayed clear."

Asuka walked round to the other side of my bed and sat down. She always preferred that side of my bed, I don't know why. I wonder if she'll choose to sleep on this side. Whoa in your dreams Youji, in your dreams. You think too much.

"... I don't know why he's like that. I'm sorry."

"It's not your fault. I think he's just jealous of me."

"Like how?"

"I get to live with you, work with you, you sometimes cook for me and look, you're sitting right here on my bed." I laughed, covering the rush of bitterness I felt biting at me from the inside. "Get away, I'm a hot-blooded guy, I might attack you!"

"Woo-hoo." She hopped off as I pretended to reach out for her. She took it as a joke. It was better that way. She knew me well enough to know it was a "go away I wanna sleep" message so she switched off my light and left.

I let out a long, long sigh when the door shut. Asuka was upset that Ryujirou and I didn't get on, and I can understand that, one being her best friend, the other her boyfriend, things would have been perfect if we could be happy with each other's presence. But even if I am willing to try, life cannot be perfect, because I mean everything I said. It is only sensible that Ryujirou is hostile towards me, and what can I do to change that?

I can do nothing. I can change nothing. I'm just her friend. Nothing more, nothing less.

I went to the shop to collect the photos Asuka took yesterday. Don't need the dark room for little things like these. Lessee. This man did cheat on his wife by the looks of it. And oh look, not only one, but two different women. I feel sorry for the wife, what had she done to deserve her husband's infidelity? Have to give these photos to her later and collect money. Although it isn't dirty money we earn, I hate this sort of job so usually Asuka does them. I don't want to learn how people can be unfaithful or how they can be suspicious enough about their partners to hire private detectives, when in truth we find that they weren't being cheated on. It makes me feel the world has started spinning the wrong way and everyone has gone absolutely bananas.

And then... hey what's this?

When I got home, I gave Asuka the pile of photos without any comments. Nothing about the pictures she had taken of Ryujirou with another woman. She was the one who spoke first.

"I didn't follow him on purpose... I was just working and then I saw him and..."

I looked away. Why should I care if she followed him purposefully or not? The answer was still the same: he was seeing someone else again. And even that had nothing to do with me. If Asuka still doesn't want to pull her head out of the sand, fine.

You're no good at this Youji. You can't lie to yourself.

Okay okay, I do mind, I do care, I just wish that Ryujirou would die on some deserted island and leave Asuka alone. I also hope that someday I can take over Ryujirou's place and be Asuka's only guardian angel so that she will never, ever cry again, like now.

"Dump him, Asuka."

"I can't! I - I just want to be with him! Even if... even if he keeps doing this, I just... just..."

Holy. I snatched the photos from her, tore them, and unable to hold myself back, I took her into my arms as she cried her painful tears, as I cried inside, tears flowing in my heart.

"It's not gonna work Asuka."

"You don't understand. You won't understand. You've never loved anyone."

I held her tighter, squeezing her in my arms when she said that. How dare you say that Asuka. Do you know what you're doing to me?

Against my wishes, I let her go and tried to smile at her. "Go take a nap. I'll finish the work."

She'll never love me. Ryujirou, Ryujirou, Ryujirou. He is the only person in her mind. Even if he kisses another woman in front of her she still wants to stay with him. It'll never be me. Not even when I know her the way nobody else does, when I hold her and comfort her, when we get through highs and lows together. It'll never be me.

Hand puppets. Funny little inventions, these things. I picked two up from the rack and let them chat away on my hand, wriggling my fingers to make them move, knowing that a guy of my age standing in a toy store playing with puppets was not a common sight at all.

Um... I've got an idea.

The day began the typical way, this time I wrapped myself around the blanket to stop Asuka from taking it from me or me dragging her into my bed. Thinking about it, people usually wrap blankets around themselves, not wrap themselves around blankets. Oh well. I had to get up anyway. Breakfast was sausages and eggs, and when I showered I noticed that Asuka bought new body wash that smelled like real strawberries. It was really nice to wash myself with strawberries, there was a semi-erotic feeling, but kinda a soothing one. Don't understand? Nevermind. It's not important.

I hovered my breakfast clean whilst keeping an ear on Asuka's phone conversation. She was having a fight with Ryujirou and when she finally slammed the phone down, her face was bright red and so were her eyes. Asuka wasn't a teary person, she didn't even cry when she got bullied for that little mole on her face underneath the eye when she was little. As a young woman now that mole had became her beauty spot. But that was off topic, I just want to emphasise that Asuka doesn't cry unless she really couldn't help it.

"Miss Piggy you're sooooo fat!"

"Che! You look like a stick! A stupid green stick!"

Asuka blinked a few times and looked in my direction, her eyes widened and she started laughing as Kermit the Frog and Miss Piggy screamed at each other on my hands.

"You're stinky, you're ugly and you dress funny!"

"Better than you going around nekkid, you tasteless, senseless, hopeless frog!"

Miss Piggy smacked Kermit on the head and poor Kermit curled up and sulked. I tossed Miss Piggy over to Asuka as she laughed, no longer at the edge of tears. "You can have her."

Asuka looked at Miss Piggy and pouted. 'she's ugly! Can't I have Kermit?"

"Nope. Doing the voice for Piggy hurts my throat. I'm not gonna have a girl puppet!" I stuck my tongue out at her (nineteen years old and still doing that) and Kermit came to life again. "Piggy! Piggy!" He waved at Piggy enthusiastically across the desks, swinging his arm so much it looked like it would eventually fly off.

Asuka smiled at me. These puppets weren't cheap but they were well worth the money. Anything to make Asuka smile.

"What, Kermit?"

"What was on with that phonecall? Was Ryu being nasty again?" I was going to ask if Ryujirou was being a bastard again, but Asuka wouldn't want to hear me call him a bastard. "You wanna talk about it?"

Piggy was silent. My heart skipped a beat. There was never anything we couldn't talk about. Did Asuka not want to talk about it, or did she not want me to know this time? Ryujirou was pulling the two of us apart?

The shock must be written on my face, because slowly Asuka moved her hand and spoke for Piggy. "I'm just thinking about how to explain it to you, but you won't understand the feeling. I know this is stupid, but even if he is seeing another woman, I just want to be with him. Will you understand, Youji, when you don't have someone you love?"

Dropping down Piggy, Asuka raised her eyes and looked straight at me. Of course I understand. I just want to be with you even when you're head over heels for another guy. What do you mean, I won't understand? I'm willing to let things stay this way, just be your friend, if that means we can be together forever. As long as you stay with me.

I made Kermit say he wanted to take a nap and avoided answering her question. I was rather touchy on this subject anyway, the fact that I had no real relationships but those momentary ones I share with women I didn't quite care about, so Asuka wouldn't suspect anything even if I didn't answer her question. Wonder what she really thinks about that side of my life. I mean, how she really really thinks. Just playing? Or souls, unable to love, feeding on one another? Or even, an obsession? We never discussed it. Probably because I have always avoided talking about it and she never asked further. If she did I would tell her anything she wanted to know. I don't keep anything from her... except that I love her.

Why does it matter, how she sees it anyway? It makes no difference to anything. It wouldn't matter to her if I made every woman out there pregnant. She won't be jealous the way I am jealous of Ryujirou. So incredibly envious of him I just want him dead. This is sick. You're so sick Youji. Asuka isn't your possession. She doesn't belong to you anymore she belongs to Ryujirou. She is nobody's property.

Youji, if you don't keep telling yourself this, you'll soon make some terrible, terrible mistakes.

[to part 2]