I never thought I'd be here compared to six years ago. Now at twenty-four I was settling in life, my job is OK, the guys I date are OK, and I'm just…OK. Nothing compared to the adrenaline and excitement I had as a teenager; but all of that had gotten to me and it turned me into someone else. These days, I just go through the motions of life, doing what I need to get by with occasional moments of pleasure going out with friends or hooking up with a guy I know. Anything to distract me long enough.

I thought by moving to New York City I could escape the painful reminders, but after a phone call from someone at the station telling me Charlie had been shot on the job during a robbery gone wrong, I immediately booked a flight back to Forks. I took a leave-of-absence from my job at a publishing company, and they were understanding.

Sure my life in here was completely different from what it used to be, but it was stable and even though it was the concrete jungle I could always predict what my day would be like.

Sitting in the middle seat of a small aircraft with stuffy recycled air, the plane descended to land and I suddenly felt an overwhelming sense of anxiety. I needed to get out of this seat and breathe fresh air; my right leg began quickly drumming up and down while I crossed my arms to keep my hands restrained. The armrests on either side of me were occupied. As usual the plane taxied across the air field for another thirty minutes before we were allowed to deboard.

I powerwalked out of the tunnel feeling lightheaded and I was sure I was going to throw up. I stood off to the side against a wall and pulled out a bottle of water from my bag and focused on the sensation of cool water pouring down my throat. I had refused my psychiatrist's suggestion for anxiety prescription, and pulled out a stick of gum to refocus my energy.

Immediately after getting my first real paycheck I found a good psychiatrist to help me cope with the night terrors I still was having, and try to move on with my life. I wanted to feel normal again. She was an older woman in her sixties but was very inviting and open-minded, which made her easy to talk to.

I tried my hand at smoking, but I realized I hated the smell more than I appreciated the momentary relaxation from it. Although I occasionally liked a good drink, I realized I was far too paranoid to depend on alcohol. Thus, I was resigned to the fact that I went through several packs of gum a week, despite the ache it caused my teeth.

I managed to find the pick-up area where I saw one of my father's deputies waiting for me. Before the flight took off a number I didn't know text me to say they'd be waiting for me in the pick-up zone when I landed. I was only slightly relived to not have to pay for a taxi ride, God knows how much that would've cost me.

Deputy Jeff Hodges got out of the car as soon as he saw me looking around like a lost child. I recognized him from his signature buzz cut, he was a stern man who took his job very seriously and never bothered with small talk, which I was grateful for.

"Hello Bella, Chief Swan's in stable condition and it doesn't look like any permanent damage was done. I'll take you straight to the hospital" he said in a firm tone, sounding more like an order than anything else.

"Thanks Hodges" I replied as he helped load my luggage in the trunk of a cruiser.

It was embarrassing riding with my dad in the cruiser then, and it still was now, it attracts too much attention. I tried to avoid questioning glances as I hurried into the car.

The journey home was mostly silent, we got the "How've-you-been's" out of the way, and then it was the droning of talk radio to fill the space. The combination of worrying about Charlie, anxiety about being back in Forks, and talk radio put me to sleep for the last hour of the drive. I had known Deputy Hodges for a while so I didn't mind falling asleep in the car with him. I laughed internally thinking he'd appreciate not feeling forced to talk to me.

I awoke to the sound of light patterns of rain on the windshield and the hum of its wipers, blurs of green passed by on the winding road. One thing I could appreciate was Forks' serene lush greenery, there wasn't much of it in New York City.

Just as I sat up from my slump we pulled into Clallam County Public Hospital. I exhaled deeply, nervous about how Charlie would look… Despite being the Police Chief it never occurred to me that my dad could get hurt while doing his job.

Forks was a small enough town that most people recognized my father. He usually dealt with drunkards and teenagers who were illegally drinking, speeding, or messed with small time drugs. There was rarely violence involved. The thought of someone shooting Charlie horrified me and I felt guilty thinking of him dealing with this alone while I was off somewhere.

Deputy Hodges led me to Charlie's room, I walked in behind him, peeking around his shoulder when I heard my dad.

"Bells? 'That you baby?" he said in a strained voice. I quickly walked to his bedside, sat by his legs, and grabbed his hand, fighting back tears. He looked pale and weak, his torso was heavily wrapped in gauze and tape, wires hooked up to him monitoring his vitals.

"Dad, are you OK? I'm so sorry I wasn't here for you! What happened? Do you need anything?" I cried in one breath, he squeezed my hand and pulled it in to kiss. "I'm a lot better now that you're here Bells."

Deputy Hodges cleared his throat, "Bella will you need a ride home?" he asked looking uncomfortable. I wasn't sure I wanted sleep in my old bed, the memories trying to resurface, shaking them away I tried to think of motels nearby-"No, I'm good, thanks Hodges." With that he quickly soldiered out of the door; I could tell seeing Charlie in this environment made the Deputy uneasy.

"How've you been Bells? The Big Apple treatin' ya good?" my dad looked at me with worried eyes.

I hadn't seen Charlie since I graduated high school and even worse I only called him a few times a month. After he left and Jacob breathed some semblance of life into me after being catatonic for months, I left. I couldn't stand being around the small reminders of him, or having to look Jake in the eyes knowing he was waiting for me to fall in love with him. I was sick of trying to be normal when I felt like I'd been holding my breath for months, and the burning pain in my chest wouldn't let up. I had told Charlie it might do me some good to leave, and being the good father he is he couldn't deny that I needed to get better.

"I'm doing OK dad. The city is great, lots to do all the time. I found a job at a publishing agency, it pays well enough."

A nurse came in to do a routine check over Charlie, she was kind and efficient and quickly left us alone.

I traced the veins on his hand, "So when can you go home?" I sighed.

"Well, Doc says I was real lucky the bullet didn't hit anything major…Went clean through me, so maybe by the weekend." He said sounding annoyed.

My dad wasn't the type to lie around and do nothing for long. I eyed him warily, "Dad, please just take it easy and listen to them, they know what they're doing." I stood up to get him some water, "Besides, you can't get back to fishing if you don't recover properly." I half smiled at him as I handed him the ribbed plastic cup of water.

Charlie talked to me about his fishing trips with Billy Black, how his usual meals consisted of steak at the diner, take-out pizza, or frozen meals. I would need to cook him a good meal soon.

I idly wondered about Jacob, I hadn't spoken to him since I left; making a clean break I changed my number and e-mail address, and didn't say where I was going. To be sure I begged Charlie not to tell him either. I didn't want to hear the hurt I caused him by suddenly leaving with only a note to explain:

"Jake, I'm sorry but I can't do this anymore. I tried but it's just too hard.

Thanks for everything.

I love you,

Bella"

Jacob was my best friend who I loved, but I knew he wanted more and I wasn't willing to give him more no matter what he'd done for me. I was selfish, and just like he had taken from me, I took from Jake. I sucked all the warmth I could from him until I was well enough to function without living on auto-pilot. I was no better than him.

At first, Charlie tried to talk about Jake, but I'd always cut him off, pleading that he not tell me anything. I was afraid to hear any news about him, dreading the possibility of knowing he'd found a girl more deserving of such warm soul.

In the dark corners of my heart I knew I'd recklessly pushed away the one guy, who wasn't family, that would constantly be there for me. I loved Jake in a way that acknowledged he was more than some friend I hung out with and shared my ugly truths with. Jacob once said being together was as easy as breathing and it was, I was content enough with that. So I never allowed myself to think anything more of Jacob, honestly my mind was incapable at the time, constantly trying to avoid the indirect triggers that caused my panic attacks.

Snapping back to the present I noticed Charlie looked exhausted, so I told him I'd be back tomorrow and kissed his forehead goodbye. Pulling my small suitcase behind me, I pulled out my cellphone to call for a cab standing just inside the entrance, and ran into Angela.

"Oh my God! Bella?! What're you doing here?" she looked me over with surprise. Although we were good friends, my exile had caused me to lose contact with her too. I began feeling guilty again.

"Angela, wow…Um, I'm here for my dad…He's here at the hospital." I noticed she was wearing scrubs and carrying a backpack. "Do you work here?" her black hair was pulled into a ponytail, and I guessed she made the switch to contacts because she wasn't wearing her signature colored cat-eye glasses.

"What? Is he OK, I'm so sorry? I'll make sure he's taken care of, don't worry. And yeah, I'm a registered nurse now, just finished my shift…Do you need a ride somewhere?" Angela was always so sincere, I should have kept in touch with her. "Uh…I'm staying at a motel. Is that on your way, I don't wanna inconvenience you." I said, realizing I wasn't ready to face my past that was home yet. "Of course, it's no problem! Come on."

We hurried through the rain to a white Toyota Hybrid, one of those hatchbacks, it was so Angela. She popped the trunk and I lifted my luggage inside. I plopped into the passenger seat as she started the car, it smelled of light citrus and smiled to myself.

"So where to?" she asked looking at me.

I quickly thought of the closest motel, I didn't really care where I stayed, "Oh, uh, at the Pacific Inn close the high school" ugh why did I say that? I cursed myself at the realization of my choice being so close to where I first met him, where Jake had waited for me after school countless times.

Nice going Bella, I thought to myself.

"How long are you in town for? It'd be great to catch up, we haven't seen in each other in so long." She said as she drove down the road, turning on her windshield wipers.

"I'm not sure yet, but that sounds great. Maybe we can grab lunch when you're free?" I said pulling out another stick of gum. I was nearly out.

"We can meet Wednesday, if that's good for you. Here's my number" she answered. She called out her number and I saved it to my contacts on my phone, and she pulled into the parking lot.

Half turning to get out the car and looking back to Angela I smiled, "Thanks a lot for the ride Ang, I appreciate it". I stood half bending down to look in the car, "I'll see you soon Bella! Trunks open."

I shut the car door rushing towards the trunk of the Toyota, and dragged my suit case out.

Angela honked her horn twice backing out her car, and I waved as I ran to the front door of the motel lobby.

I pulled the door open and a bell lightly jingled, signaling my entrance to whoever was there. A young guy came in from a back room. He was average height, pale skin, and jaw-length brown hair, with green eyes. He looked uninterested in being here, I couldn't blame him.

"Welcome to Pacific Inn Motel. How can I help you?" he said in a rushed voice without looking at me.

I set my tote bag on the counter and pulled my luggage next me, "Hi, I need a single room, please." I said wiping rain from my face with a wool scarf I was wearing.

I looked up seeing his metal name tag on his shirt first: it said "Hello my name is" in black engraved letters with a white sticker label that said "Scott".

"These are the rooms we have available." He said finally looking at me, and he started naming the prices. I chose the cheapest one, not because I didn't have the money, but I was sure no matter which room I chose they'd all be the same generic setup.

"And how long you staying?" he asked looking a little more interested as he looked me up and down. I tried to be short and concise with the interaction, I wasn't interested by a long shot.

"Two weeks" I said handing him my blue credit card, I rarely used it to avoid going into debt, except for things I could apparently gain points from. I immediately pay off any purchase I make on it. He handed me some keys and told me the room number. "Do you need help with your bags?" he asked sounding hopeful. "No thanks, I got it" I quickly replied already halfway through the door.

The rain seemed to stop while I was booking the room, but the full gray clouds hovered above threating to burst again any moment now. It wasn't freezing but it was chilly out and I was glad to have my thick wool infinity scarf on and olive green parka layered over a t-shirt, jeans, and black New Balance shoes. I was warm enough.

I turned right and walked down the sidewalk to the very end and found my room, unlocking the door while shoving it open with my shoulder. The room smelled like a combination of floral air freshener and cleaning products. To my right in front of the window were two cushioned chairs with wooden arms and a table between them, behind the table was the air condition unit. The bed was a decent size, maybe a queen? It had chocolate brown and deep red bed sheets, it seemed a little too romantic for just me. Above the bed was some painting they probably got at a local craft store and a light color wood nightstand on either side. There was a small rectangular dresser in front of the bed with a flat screen TV on top of it and in front of me was an open vanity to the bathroom; the shower and toilet were off to the side.

I heavily dropped my bags next to the bed and headed straight for the shower. I turned the water on to hot and pulled the nob on the faucet to turn on the shower head. I walked to my suit case to pull out my black travel bag that held my toiletries in it. I let the water warm up as I began to undress, feeling the tiredness wash over me. I grabbed body wash, shampoo/conditioner, and a loofa out of the bag and carefully stepped in the shower; afraid of slipping and cracking my skull. Sometimes my thoughts were really morbid.

Turning off the water, I wrapped myself in the white towel and headed to my suit case to pull out some lounge clothes. The room felt like an igloo after being in a steaming hot shower, I began to shiver. I pulled on some black bikini briefs, black yoga pants, and an old t-shirt I had from Camp Quest when I was a kid back in Arizona. It still fit and was well worn into a thin material and the yellow faded into a pale color. I pulled back the covers and climbed in, adjusting the pillows to my comfort, I needed a nap. The hum of the a/c unit kicked on, slowly warming up the room, and the warmth and sound lulled me into sleep. In the distance I heard a rumble of thunder at the same time the rain began to pour.

Flashes of white zoomed past me, my vision was blurry, my arm felt like it was on fire, and it sounded like my heart had moved to my ears. "Burn the pieces!" I looked around trying to move but I felt heavy like my limbs weight a ton each. Flickers of orange appeared and suddenly the room was filled with a haze of purple rolling up from the flames. I heard screaming…Where was that awful sound coming from? "Edward!"-my lungs constricted, "She'll turn if you don't!" I heard someone say in a harsh whisper. I felt a searing pain shoot up my arm. There was that awful scream again. It clicked the sound was coming from me. I was convulsing now, despite my efforts to hold still. I wanted to black out already, to be consumed by unconsciousness, but the burning pain refused to release my mind. I heard a loud banging then…What is that? I heard a muffled voice, unable to make out who was saying what.

Boom boom boom!

There it was again along with a voice I could tell was a man's.

Boom boom boom! "Bella! You in there?"

My eyes rolled under my lids struggling to open.

Boom boom boom! "Bella Swan! Open up!"

I groggily snapped into reality and managed to hoarsely shout, "Yeah, wait a second!" I stumbled out of the covers nearly falling to the floor and braced myself against the wall opening the door. I rubbed my eyes with trying to focus them and looked up.