Title: Starting Again

Author: Emma

Rating: Strong R for subject matter and one quite large swear word

Spoilers: The latter part of series 3

Archive: The list archive, yes. Anyone else, please ask first (I can guarantee I'll say yes).

Summary: Catherine has a hard time dealing with the aftermath of Eddie's death.

Warnings: Dark fic (mentions suicide).

A/N: This had to be the darkest thing I have ever written, so if it sucks I apologise. I sat down one day to write a chapter of one of my many WIP's and for some reason I ended up with this.

This has not been beta read so any and all mistakes are mine and mine alone. Three very nice people did offer to beta it for me, but being the idiot that I am, I deleted their e-mail addresses and I have absolutely no idea who they were. Whoever you were, thank you for your very kind offer.

Reviews, as with most writers, are the very stuff that I live on.

It had been three weeks; the longest three weeks of Gil Grissom's life. Catherine seemed to have vanished off the face of the earth. She had dropped Lindsey off at Nancy's as usual, saying that she would see her after work and nobody had seen or heard of her since.

They were all extremely worried by now, even Sara. When Catherine didn't turn up for work that first night, Warrick had gone to her house to see if she was ill but there was no one there.

After a few frantic phone calls, Grissom had learned that Lindsey was at her aunt's but that was all anyone knew. They had immediately put out an APB for Catherine's car and treated her house as if it was a crime scene. There had been no evidence of foul play and it looked as though a suitcase was missing from the hall closet, so they had been forced to conclude that wherever Catherine was, she was there of her own free will.

Grissom looked up, an exclamation of surprise escaping when Warrick almost ran into his office. "They've found Catherine's car," he burst out without giving Grissom a chance to say anything.

He was out of his chair and across the room in seconds. "Where?" he demanded of the younger man.

"Outside her house," Warrick said. "A patrolman spotted it and thought there was something familiar about it, so he called it in just to be on the safe side." Warrick grinned. "She's home, Grissom. She's safe"

Grissom turned back to his desk and grabbed his coat before hurrying out and locking the door behind him. "I'm not so sure about that, Warrick. I'll let you know." He practically ran out of the building, only slowing long enough to yell, "You're in charge," over his shoulder.

Grissom made the thirty-five minute drive from the CSI building to Catherine's house in a record fifteen minutes. As he pulled up outside her house, he breathed a cautious sigh of relief at seeing her car parked in the driveway. The relief she was home and okay died when he saw her front door was ajar.

Climbing out of the car, he grabbed his evidence bag and the first aid kit just in case. He hesitated for a moment, switched the first aid kit to the hand holding the evidence bag and pulled his gun out of its holster. He hated the thing and never usually touched it unless he absolutely had to, but he wasn't taking any chances.

Holding the two bags in one hand and the gun in the other, he slowly made his way up the path and stopped at the door. He debated calling it in, but he knew if he did that Jim Brass would make him wait until he got there with back-up and he couldn't wait that long. He had to know if Catherine was okay and he had to know now.

Grissom gently pushed the door the rest of the way open and stood still for a moment, listening to the silence that seemed to echo from the house. When he was satisfied that nobody was standing in the hallway, he cautiously entered the house and closed the door behind him.

"Catherine?" he called. Are you here?" when he didn't get an answer, he made his way from the living room, into the kitchen and then around the rest of the house, leaving the bedroom for last.

The bedroom was the only room in the entire house that had the door closed, a fact that made his already erratic heart rate speed up even further. Standing to one side of the door, Grissom reached out and slowly turned the knob. He half expected a shot to ring out at any moment and he released a breath that he hadn't even realised he had been holding when the door swung open without incident.

A faint sound reached his ears and he instantly forgot about being cautious and walked into the room. In the corner was the scariest thing he had ever seen in his life. Catherine was huddled against the wall and crying. The scary thing was the gun she held in her shaking hand.

Grissom put his gun away and slowly approached her, being careful not to scare her, "Catherine," he said gently. "It's Gil, I'm here now. You're safe."

Catherine slowly looked up until her eyes met his. He knew that the pain he saw there would stay with him for the rest of his days. "Gil?" she whispered.

He smiled and slowly reached out one hand. "That's right, Cath," he said in his softest voice. "Why don't you give me that gun now? You don't need it o protect you anymore, I'm here."

She closed her eyes and turned her head away from his so he couldn't see her face and the grip she held on the gun became even more vise-like. "Go away, Gil," she whispered.

He gingerly sat down on the edge of the bed. "I'm not going anywhere," he said firmly.

Catherine shrugged but didn't look at him. "Fine," she said quietly. "Stay then, but don't blame if you don't like what you see."

"What do you mean?" he demanded. "Catherine? What did you mean by that?"

Catherine turned and looked at him. "You'll find out." She suddenly changed the subject. "How's my baby?"

"Lindsey?" Grissom asked, confused by the sudden change of subject. "She's staying with Nancy while you're away, Catherine. She misses you, we all do."

A short bark of humourless laughter escaped from Catherine, scaring him almost as much as the gun. "She's better of where she is."

"How can you say that? She's your daughter; she loves you."

"Exactly," Catherine said. "She's my daughter so she has to love me, but she's better off without me in her life. After all, what have I ever done for her?"

Grissom had slid off the bed and was now slowly edging towards her. "You've loved her, Catherine."

"But that's not enough, is it, Gil?" she asked. "Everybody I've ever loved has left me, in one way or another."

By now, he was sitting on the floor next to her, "That's not true, Catherine."

"Yes, it is," she disagreed. "My parents threw me out when I was seventeen and I haven't seen them or spoken to them since. My so-called husband got me addicted to drugs, beat the crap out of me on a regular basis, fucked other women in our bed and almost got our daughter killed when he got involved in something that was too big for him to handle. And lets not forget the fact that one of the two people I trusted more than any other on this entire planet had spent my entire life lying to me and I only found out when I arrested him for murder." She stopped speaking and lightly caressed the gun in her hand. "No, this way is better. Lindsey will be much better off without her screwed-up mother in her life." She looked up at him. "Keep an eye on her for me?" she begged.

Grissom was by now absolutely petrified, he had finally figured out what she meant to do and he couldn't let her do it, not and keep living himself. Taking a huge chance, he reached out and gently forced her to look at him. "And what about me?" he asked.

"What about you?" Catherine asked in confusion.

Grissom's hand slowly slid from her face to her shoulder, but she didn't look away from him. "Am I better off without you?" he whispered.

"Of course you are." She said firmly.

"Why?"

Catherine sighed with impatience at his seeming inability to understand. "Gil, I've been holding you back for years. You've risked your career so many times by standing up for me, starting back when I became a CSI. When I'm gone, there'll be nothing to stop you being with Sara or Lady Heather or whoever you want to be with."

Grissom smiled slightly. "Catherine you have never held me back. I have never stood up for you, I've always stood by you." His hand was now resting on the hand that was loosely holding the gun. The almost vise-like grip she had on it had eased and it was now just resting in her palm. His fingers closed around the gun and he slowly pulled it from her unresisting grasp. "And in case you hadn't noticed, there's nothing stopping me from being with Sara or Lady Heather or anyone else now, and yet I'm here with you."

A sound behind him made Grissom glance up and he saw Warrick standing just in the doorway. Unnoticed by Catherine, whose entire attention was fixed on the man on the floor beside her, Warrick walked in and took the gun from Grissom before walking out again and closing the door behind him.

"Damn you, Gil Grissom! Why didn't you let me do it?" Catherine burst out, silent tears streaming down her cheeks.

Grissom gently wiped the tears away with one finger and smiled. "Because I love you, Catherine. I have always loved you and I will always love you and because if you kill yourself then I'll have to die too because there is no way I can go on living without you."

"I'm scared," Catherine whispered.

"I know you are," he said quietly as he pulled her to her feet and into his arms. "I am too, but we'll get through this together.

"How do I know you didn't just say all this to get the gun away from me?" Catherine asked suspiciously.

Grissom bent down and gently brushed her lips with his own, drawing back before the kiss could deepen. "I guess you'll just have to trust me. Come on, I know a certain little girl who's desperate to see you."

Catherine shook her head. "Not like this, Gil. I can't let her see me until I've pulled myself together a little. I need to go home, take a shower and get some sleep first."

"You are home, Catherine."

She looked up at him and smiled. "No, I'm not. I want to be with you at your place, that's always been home to me, not this place. It was at your place that I found out I was having Lindsey, it was there that you told me I had got my promotion to CSI Level 3 and it was there that I fell in love with you. Everything good in my life happened there and that's what I need right now."

"Home it is then," he said with a smile and started to lead her to the door.

"Gil, wait," Catherine said, suddenly nervous. She glanced towards the door and visibly swallowed. "They're out there, aren't they?"

"The team?" Grissom asked and she nodded. "Probably," he said with a smile.

Catherine shook her head in denial. "I can't go out there, Gil. They must all hate me for what I've done."

Grissom made her look at him and refused to let her look away. "You listen to me, Catherine. They do not hate you, each and every one of them cares about you more than you will ever know and I know they want to help you through this."

"Even Sara?" Catherine asked incredulously and Grissom smiled.

"She's been the worst. She went over everything so many times the first week after you disappeared that I don't think she got any sleep at all. I eventually got Greg to take her home after she almost passed out in his lab." He suddenly laughed. "He's been picking her up and taking her home ever since and he's always making sure she's eating properly and getting enough sleep."

Catherine surprised herself by laughing for the first time in what felt like forever. "I bet that's going down well."

"On the contrary, she's loving every minute of it. I think she's finally realised what a good man he is."

Catherine sighed and looked up at him. "Will you do a couple of things for me?"

"What?" he asked.

"Kiss me and then take me home?"

She had barely finished speaking when he covered her mouth with his own. When they finally broke apart, they were both smiling. "Come on," he said as he wrapped one arm around her waist and led her towards the door. "Let's go home."

He didn't give her time to argue, he just opened the door and walked out, stopping when he saw the members of their shift silently waiting for them to come out. Greg had Sara firmly wrapped in his arms and was talking quietly to her while Brass, Nick and Warrick were standing in a group and staring at the floor.

They all looked at each other for a moment until Catherine thought she wouldn't be able to take the silence anymore. Surprisingly it was Sara who broke the tableau by bursting into tears and hurling herself out of Greg's arms and into Catherine's.

Catherine looked up at Grissom in shock and then closed her arms around the younger woman and just held her while they both cried.

The men in the room looked at each other but didn't say anything. They knew it would be a long, hard trip for all of them but things would be okay again.

The End.