Disclaimer: I do not own the Legend of Zelda series or its characters. All things mentioned belong to their retrospective owners.
A/N: Consider this, if you will, the sequel to a previous story of mine called "Koopa Hotels". You may need to read that one first to understand the joke of this fic. Well, enjoy!
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You feel confused and afraid. Only moments ago, you were sleeping. Now here you are floating in a vast expanse of nothingness. You try crying out for help, but it feels like your throat has been stuffed with a sponge. You look around. Not a single speck of light can be found. Only the great, looming jaws of darkness can be seen. Ready to swallow you whole...
Wait a second!
There's a brilliant light up ahead!
You suddenly find yourself being pulled ahead at great speed towards it, like a marionette on strings. The darkness vanishes, and you find yourself inside a room. The floor is made of stone and the walls are painted with a tacky, magenta, diamond design. You're wondering what you're doing here when all of a sudden...
"GEE! It sure is boring around!" says a whiny, effeminate voice.
You turn around to see the room's other occupant, and gasp in morbid fascination.
It's a monster.
It has the body of a young man, but the face of a deformed transsexual. Its clothes are mostly green with a matching floppy hat atop its dirty, blonde hair. Its dull, empty eyes are filled with a mad sense of despair. You feel a strange sense of pity in your heart for it. That's when you turn and see another horrid beast in the room.
"MAH BOI," it says in a voice like thunder, "This peace is what true warriors strive FOR!"
The odious fiend is male, but obviously older. He has the face of a man, but his eyes burn with the savagery of a demon writhing in the pits of hell. A scraggly beard and mustache that could cut through steel adorn his lips. An orange and yellow robe covers his body, and a small crown sit atop his brow. A monarch of some sort, you think to yourself. His right hand is clutching a violet goblet containing wine... or some other vile substance.
"I just wonder what Ganon's up to!" says the gender-confused teenager. Who or what is a Ganon?
A whooshing sound is heard, and you tilt your head towards the room's balcony. You gape. Swooping down from the sky on an orange, magic carpet, is another grotesque. It resembles a badly drawn caricature of an Arabian man that crosses the line of complete racism. He even has the beard and turban. His skin is a sickly yellow with multiple wrinkles covering his visage. You resist the urge to vomit.
"Your majesty," he croaks in voice that sounds as dry as a vulture's neck, "Ganon and his minions have seized the island of Koridai!"
"Hmmmmmm..." hums the king, right hand cupping his face while wearing an expression of pure malevolence. "How can WE help?"
"It is written, only Link can defeat Ganon!" drawls the scarecrow-man, pointing at a parchment that has suddenly materialized in his right hand. The so-called prophecy that he spoke of is a bunch of symbols that look like they were written in ketchup by a chicken with a learning disability.
"Great! I'll grab my STUFF!" exclaims Link (the elfish freak), needlessly enunciating the last word of his sentence for no reason at all.
"There is no time! Your sword is enough!" exclaims Mr. Rides-a-carpet-for-no-apparent-reason-other-than-to-portray-a-very-negative-stereotype-about-Arabians. You want to point out on how bringing nothing but a sword to a full on-scale invasion sounds like a terrible idea, but you can't say a word.
"How about a kiss? For luck?" says Link. You nearly pass out from fear. Standing next to Link is a monstrosity that's painted up like a common harlot. 'Her' long, blonde hair and deep, blue eyes penetrate your heart with terror. Strangely though, the apparition looks much more masculine than Link.
"You've got to be kidding!" the garish female says haughtily. She turns away from Link. This causes Link to don the most hideous facial expression you've ever seen. His right hand is covering his mouth and his eyes are squinted. If you had to make a guess, you'd have to say he's contemplating on sexually assaulting the woman who spurned his sleazy advance.
Suddenly, you're out of the castle and in the sky. Link and the bearded man are flying through the clouds on the carpet.
"SQAUDALA!!! We're off!" shouts the man.
What. The. Fuck.
"Wow!" says Link. "What are all those heads?"
What heads?
"These are the Faces of Evil. You must conquer each!" drones on the SQAUDALA-man. What the hell is he yammering about? You can't see shit from up here!
"I guess I'd better get going," says Link while still maintaining his pedo smile.
"Here is the map. Where do you wish to go?" asks the suicide-bomber-wannabe, producing a crudely drawn map out of thin air. Link points at random spot on the map after looking at it for less than two seconds. Its surface is decorated with images of demonic faces that cry out to taste the flesh of living.
You can't take it anymore. Your sanity is gone and your close to bursting out into a combination of violent sobbing and crazed giggling. Instead of that happening, your body ceases to function and you plummet from the sky.
Into the raging sea below......
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"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!" screams Link, shooting up from his sleeping bag. The elfin teenager checks his surroundings and sees that he's camped out near the Forest Temple. The campfire he set awhile ago is still burning. Link sits down and begins to shake like a wet kitten.
"What's wrong?" asks Midna, who materializes from her place in Link's shadow.
Link stares at the imp for few seconds before saying, "Nothing everything is fine. We'll go into the temple in the morning and get the first Fused Shadow. Everything is okay!"
Slightly weirded out, Midna shrugs and vanishes, leaving Link alone. The boy starts to shiver once again.
"What kind of a dream was that?" he asks himself.
For the rest of his journey, Link would clash with ferocious monsters and insane villains. But none would terrify him more than...
The Faces of Evil.
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A/N: ..........................................Dinner.
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