trigger warning, suicide
NSFW? Kinda? Idk you can make up your mind about that.
The first time Remus Lupin met Sirius Black, he thought he was a prat.
A well meaning, good natured prat, but a prat nonetheless.
The first time Remus Lupin called Sirius his friend, he was eleven years old. They had both just been sorted into Gryffindor, and Sirius was worried about telling his parents, even though he tried to pretend he wasn't.
The first time Remus got in trouble at Hogwarts, it was Sirius's fault. (Partially.) He, James, Remus and Peter "accidentally" found themselves in the Forbidden Forest. This was also the first time he found out how good Minnie was at scolding.
The first time Remus was scared of Sirius, was when he found out the truth. He was scared that these boys who had become his best friends would reject him for being a monster.
The first time Remus cried in front of Sirius, was when Sirius promised him that he would never leave him alone. Especially over something he claimed was stupid, like being a werewolf.
The first time Remus found out about Sirius's home life, he held Sirius so tightly in his arms he feared he would break him. But Sirius had promised to never abandon him in hard times, so Remus would promise him the same.
The first time Remus transformed in front of Sirius, he didn't remember anything. The morning after Sirius looked at him differently. With more love and respect that a young boy Sirius's age should ever be able to express.
The first time Remus realized how beautiful Sirius was, he was fourteen. Sirius was laughing, his head thrown back and his shoulders shaking. He looked so beautifully happy, and Remus felt something he had never experienced before.
The first time Remus realized he loved Sirius, was when Sirius,James, and Peter showed him their Animagus forms, showing him that he would never have to go through a painful transformation alone ever again.
The first time Remus saw a broken Sirius, was when they were sixteen. Sirius had run away to the Potters home, and Remus had come running when Jamie wrote to him, explaining what had happened. Sirius was screaming with hatred and heartbreak over Regulus.
The first time Remus kissed Sirius, they were both scared, to do something that was perhaps more reckless than any prank they had pulled. It was two in the morning in the Potters spare room, and Remus had found Sirius crying over his family. Remus was tentative, and kissed him softly. When Sirius kissed him back, Remus felt like he was set free.
The first time Remus saw Sirius again at school after their kiss, he wondered if it was a mistake. When Sirius grabbed him and kissed him hard, with all the force and passion he could muster, Remus realized how long he had been waiting for this.
The first time Remus saw Sirius naked, he actually gasped aloud. They had explored and experienced much with each other over the past few months, slowly learning more about each other's bodies, but Merlin, not like this. Sirius Black was the most beautiful man he had ever seen. Tonight they both felt something different. Tonight they couldn't stop what their bodies had been demanding for so long. Remus didn't realize how much he'd wanted Sirius until that night.
The first time Remus let Sirius touch his scars, he felt his skin on fire. Sirius traced the careful lines down his chest, his stomach, lower...lower. Remus never wanted to Sirius to stop touching every inch of his skin.
The first time Remus told Sirius he loved him, he thought he was going to die. They had graduated and joined the Order, and a mission had ended badly. Sirius has been horrifically injured, and Remus thought he'd lost him forever. But he hadn't. They were still alive. Broken, but alive.
The first time Remus lied to Sirius, was when Sirius saw new scars. He knew Remus hadn't done them to himself, and he knew Remus had been sneaking around. But Remus had promised Albus that he wouldn't tell anyone about joining the werewolves.
The first time Remus distrusted Sirius, was when Lily and James almost died. Sirius said there was a traitor in their midst, and his tone and expression suggested something Remus didn't like.
The first time Remus's heart was broken by Sirius, was when he demanded the truth that Remus couldn't give. Sirius told him to leave and never come back. They were finished with each other.
The first time Remus said he hated Sirius Black, was when Lily and James Potter were murdered because Sirius told Lord Voldemort where to find them. Sirius...his Sirius...was the spy they had been looking for? All those years they had spent together, their life at Hogwarts, their brother, James Potter, whom they had grown up with, the family who had welcomed all the Marauders into their home time and time again...how could Sirius just turn his back on that? How...how could this be happening? James and Lily dead...Sirius sold them out...Harry sent away...And then Sirius killed Peter too. Pete, the little boy they had looked after and loved and protected. And in a sense, Remus died that day too.
The first time Remus tried to kill himself, he had to transform alone after a decade of having Sirius by his side. When he awoke, he wasn't sure if it was him or the wolf that had tried to rip his veins open.
The first time Remus saw Harry Potter grown up, he felt like his breath had been crushed out of his body. He looked so much like James, and it was an ever painful memory of the now beautifully bitter years he had spent with Jamie and Sirius and Peter.
The first time Remus realized Sirius was innocent, he wept like a child. He stared at the map that showed Peter Pettigrew, very much alive. This was also the first time Remus felt a anger that burned white-hot, an anger so blinding he couldn't think.
The first time Remus plotted a murder, it was for someone he would have once died for. As he stood in the Shrieking Shack, the place that held so many memories, so much history, and stared down Peter Pettigrew, he was ready to kill, not just to avenge the deaths of James, his true brother, and Lily, the kindest girl he had ever known, but for those twelve years that an innocent man, a man who filled his whole world, had spent in a rotting hell hole.
The first time Remus brought Sirius to his family home to hide, he felt like his whole world opened up. He was back. He was home. It felt as if Remus had finally been allowed something. Allowed happiness. Allowed closure. Allowed to love again.
The first time Remus talked with Sirius about the betrayal, truly talked about it, he thought he would be punched in the face. Sirius, now weathered and beaten, screamed at him for believing that he would ever, ever kill Lily and James. Remus yelled at him for Sirius thinking the same thing of him, of believing that Remus was a Death Eater spy who would betray them all. Sirius wept, for at long last they were both forgiven. They finally released all the pent up hatred and pain that they hadn't been able to vent for so long. And then Sirius kissed him, after twelve interminable years of never being with each other, and it felt like Remus learned how to breathe again.
The last time Remus saw Sirius Black, his heart stopped beating. When he passed through that veil, Remus felt the most agonizing torture he had ever felt. Worse than any transformation could have ever done to him. Sirius Black, the man he had loved for almost a decade, the man he had spent over a decade trying to forget, the man he had screamed, cried, laughed, and loved with, would never experience another 'first time' with him again.
A/N
Has this been done before?
I'm thinking about doing another one like this, but from Sirius's perspective. And maybe some Jily too. Anyways, hope you enjoyed the wolfstar angst. Thoughts, critiques and comments are always appreciated ;)