Title: Pain (1?)
Author: Catgurl83
Disclaimer: Not mine.
Rating: This chapter is G but later chapters will go up to R.
Spoilers: Everything through season seven is fair game with emphasis on the kidnapping and Leo's death.
Summary: Three years after the kidnapping, Zoey is stilltrying todeal with it.
Pairings: Sam / Zoey
Author's notes: Much appreciation to Anakam and Abigail for beta reading this for me.
''''''''''''''''''''''''''''
Sam gently replaced the phone in its' cradle. He turned to switch off the television and the CNN election coverage that filled the screen. That coverage would soon be changing to something that he didn't want to watch, to speculation that he wasn't up to hearing.
He crossed the room and reached out to remove a picture from the wall. They'd all been so young in this picture, taken the night of President Bartlett's first election. Leo with that huge grin they'd all come to love, Toby, shock at the win evident on his face, CJ laughing, Josh grinning broadly, and he himself standing in the middle of the group, a stunned, delighted smile on his face. He'd believed in Jed Bartlett but he hadn't expected to win. The only one who'd truly expected to win that night was Leo.
Sam hung the picture back up absently as he replayed the phone call he'd just had. It had been Donna on the other end of the phone, not at all surprising. He'd expected to hear from Donna or Josh at some point this evening. He'd expected to be able to congratulate them over the phone. But the tone of her voice had surprised him as had the first sentence out of her mouth after she'd greeted him.
Leo had had another heart attack. He hadn't survived.
Of course he'd known about Leo's first heart attack. He'd sent a card, called Mallory, and called Leo as soon as Leo could receive calls. When he'd heard on the news that Leo was joining the Santos ticket he'd called Josh to see how Leo was doing, if they were sure Leo's health could handle the stress of a Presidential campaign. Josh had assured him that Leo had had a complete physical and been cleared to run. So this….
Sam shook his head to clear it. If the news was hitting him this hard he couldn't imagine how the others were doing. He had always respected Leo, as much as he respected the President. From the first day he met the two men he'd admired them more than he'd ever admired anyone. But his and Leo's relationship had never gone past a close boss / employee one. Not like Josh's had, and CJ's had.
Josh had known Leo since he was just a kid, during Noah and Leo's friendship. Sam knew that that relationship had grown after Noah's death. Each man had used the other to fill a void in their life. Josh had turned to Leo as a surrogate father and Leo, who according to Mallory had always wished he and Jenny had had another child, a son, had begun to see Josh as the son he'd never had.
Sam knew Josh well enough and had known him long enough to know how hard Josh was going to take this. And to know that Josh would blame himself. Josh always blamed himself.
At that, Sam smiled. There was only one person who knew Josh better than he did. For the last few years he'd wondered when Josh and Donna would finally figure out what was between them. After the Gaza bombing he'd been sure that it would happen. It hadn't. Now, with Leo's death, and the huge transition that both of their lives were about to make, whether Matt Santos won the election or not, he was sure that the relationship between the two would be shifting. If it hadn't changed already.
Regardless, he was just glad that Donna was with Josh right now. That she'd be with him throughout the night and the next few difficult days.
He wondered how Mallory was doing. A romantic relationship between the two of them hadn't worked out but he still cared about her, still considered her a friend. He'd spoken with her by phone just a few days before. She'd been planning on joining her father this morning and staying with him as they waited for the results.
Mal's husband was to be with her as was the baby. Sam was glad about that. Mallory and her father had never been as close as some fathers and daughters were, which he knew both of them regretted, but in the last few years they'd been trying to repair their relationship. Mallory had taken a year off from teaching to be with the baby and they'd both spent quite a bit of time on the campaign trail with Leo. She shouldn't have been alone when she found out.
He grabbed the pad of paper he kept next to the phone and jotted down Mallory's name. Beneath it he wrote Josh's. Mallory he would call in the morning, after giving her private time with her grief and those closest to her. Josh he'd call after the results of the election were released. He knew from experience that the hotel suite would be a madhouse until then.
After a brief hesitation he added the President's name to his short list. After more than thirty years of friendship, through most of which they'd been closer than most brothers, a condolence call was in order. He realized that he wouldn't get to speak with the President, but it was still a gesture he felt he should make.
Sam rose from his chair and went into the kitchen. He set the coffee pot.
It had been almost four years since he'd been in Washington DC. After he'd lost the election, Leo had offered him another position in the White House. A higher position. He'd seriously considered accepting. Eventually, after much thought, he'd decided against taking the position. As much as he'd enjoyed his position in the Bartlett administration and all the good that they'd done, staying in DC hadn't been good for him. After the President's MS came out, and the hearings, he'd been too disillusioned.
Instead, he'd purchased a beach house and started writing. His original plan was to take a few weeks or months off and then go to work at a law firm, or possibly, start his own firm. More and more time passed and he became more and more involved with his writing. His first novel was published and sold well and he decided to continue to write.
Sometimes he missed practicing law. Sometimes he missed being in the thick of things in DC or the highs of campaign life. Those times were rarer and rarer every year.
His new life was slow paced and that was fine with him.
He couldn't see himself going back to his old life any time soon but he'd go back for the funeral. He'd go back to say goodbye to Leo.
'''''''''''''''''''''''
The house was filled with chaos, but then, it usually was. She tried not to spend much time here for that reason.
"Give me the ball!" Gus yelled as he chased his Golden Retriever, Barrik, through the living room. The dog paused just enough for the boy to almost catch up with him and then he took off again.
From across the room Annie met her aunt's eyes and rolled her own before turning her attention back to the conversation that she was having over the phone. Every few minutes the girl's voice would rise in excitement at something she and her best friend were discussing.
Doug and a few campaign staffers were holding a meeting in the dining room. She could hear bits and pieces through the open door. Why they were even discussing ways to save the election was beyond her. She'd known from the beginning that Doug hadn't a prayer of winning.
Her mother and Liz sat together on the sofa quietly talking while in the corner of the room the television was on to election night coverage. The station was currently showing the limo carrying Matt and Helen Santos arrive at the hotel.
Zoey stood up and went into the kitchen. Here it was quiet. Growing up in this family one would think she'd have gotten used to the organized chaos by now. In many ways she had but she didn't feed off of it, not like Liz did. Not like her father did.
Before the kidnapping she'd hadn't really enjoyed being the President's daughter. The attention, the Secret Service protection, everything she did, every decision she made being scrutinized but she'd been able to block it out most of the time. Tell herself that it was only for a few years and then it would all be over, she'd be able to be normal for the first time in her life.
That was before her graduation night had happened. Before the Qumari government had decided to take out their issues with her father on her.
Just the thought of that night caused Zoey to shudder uncontrollably. She leaned against the kitchen counter to stabilize herself. Why did these thoughts still do this to her? It had been three years yet one little thought could bring it all back. She could feel their hands on her, feel what it had been like to have a heavy hand clamped over her mouth so tightly that she couldn't even try to scream.
The rich smell of coffee that had permeated the kitchen seconds ago was replaced by the smell of their sweat and bad breath. She could see their cold emotionless eyes and the leers that they'd had on their faces when they'd looked at her.
She shoved away from the counter and grabbed a bottle of water from the fridge. She took a large swallow followed by several deep breaths.
Once the trembling had stopped, once the room had calmed down and the images had faded, Zoey sunk down into a chair.
That happened often now, at least a few times a week. For the first few months she'd expected it to fade. She'd thought the fear and the memories would go away or at least be relegated to somewhere in the back of her mind where they couldn't bother her. By now she'd accepted that that wasn't going to happen.
Everything grated on her nerves now. Every little difference in her life from the lives of her friends. She had never loved the press attention, now she hated it.
Her Secret Service team had doubled, becoming suffocating. Yet she had nightmares that they weren't there, that the agents were gone and she was vulnerable again. She was secretly terrified of the day on which that would actually happen.
No one knew any of this. For the first few months after… her throat started to go dry again and her hands clammy and Zoey forcefully pushed the thought aside. For months she'd seen a psychologist but she'd fooled the woman, convinced her that everything was alright, that Zoey was going to be okay. Her family and friends had watched her closely during that time but their attention had faded, gone back to their own lives and problems.
Zoey stood and poured herself a mug of coffee and sweetened it to her liking, though as she did so she wondered why, she wouldn't be drinking it. To her family this would be the reason she came into the kitchen.
Finally she headed back into the living room to rejoin the rest of her family. Or, at least, the members of the family who were here.
Her father had been here earlier but had left hours before to go back to the White House. He'd said that he had to check in on the 'stan thing but Zoey knew that he just wanted to get out of here. He didn't want to upset Liz by gloating when Doug lost but gloat he would.
Ellie too was not here. She wasn't feeling well so she and her husband had stayed home.
As Zoey stepped back into the living room the phone rang and Liz gracefully rose to answer it. After a few seconds she smiled and greeted their father before handing the phone to their mother.
Abbey was smiling when she accepted the phone but within seconds her expression fell. Zoey moved forward to perch on the sofa arm next to her mother, watching the expression on Abbey's face grow more and more grim.
Dread was starting to build in her stomach. They were so close to the end of her father's time as President. She'd hoped that nothing more would happen, that the worst was behind them. So much had happened during her father's term, more than their share.
Abbey hung up the phone and took a deep breath before facing her two daughters.
"Mom?" Liz said quietly.
"Leo had another heart attack. He wasn't breathing when he was found but they are taking him to the hospital."
Zoey's eyes dropped shut. She felt the tears seeping from beneath her closed eyelids. "Is he…?"
"I'm not sure Zoey. From the little information that your father had, Leo's condition sounds pretty serious but they're taking him to the hospital. That is a good sign. If the EMTs hadn't thought that there was at least a small chance of reviving him they wouldn't have transported him to the hospital."
"Does Mallory know?" Liz asked.
"Yes. Your father said that Mallory was in town to support Leo through the election. She and her husband are en route to the hospital."
Zoey quietly slid off the arm of the sofa and down to the hard wood floor. She curled her legs under her and leaned her head against her mother's leg.
Abbey absently reached out to stroke her youngest daughter's hair. This was one of Zoey's favorite positions when she was a child but it had been years since she'd sat like this.
Liz had returned to her seat next to her mother. She took Abbey's free hand.
The three of them sat like that, listening to the quiet drone of voices coming from the dining room and the sudden bursts of Gus's laughter that came from the other room every few minutes, usually followed by playful barks.
When the phone rang again, Zoey lifted her head to watch as her sister answered it. Liz quickly handed the phone to their mother, confirming that it was their father.
Abbey listened for a few seconds and then mouthed 'no news' to her daughter's. While her mother spoke on the phone, Zoey stood back up and crossed the room to stand in front of the television.
A picture of Leo filled the screen. Apparently they had the information on the heart attack. The news anchor was detailing Leo's political career and the campaign. She wished that it would stay that way, with the press focusing on the good aspects of Leo's life. The political service that he was so proud of, and of course, Mallory and Brianna.
Zoey couldn't help but grin. She'd seen Leo with baby Brianna only once and then briefly but it had been clear that he doted on the child already. The infant had stared up at her grandfather with such adoration on her face that Zoey had remarked to Mallory that she and David were going to have to move to DC so that Brianna would be able to spend more time with her grandfather.
"Oh, Jed, I'm sorry."
At the exclamation Zoey spun around to look at her mother. The sorrow on her mother's face answered her unspoken question and Zoey's tears streamed down her face. She turned back around, staring at her godfather's smiling face on the television screen as she fought back the selfish panic rising within her. Leo's death would mean returning to DC with her family. It would mean attending a funeral and probably a wake.
She hated that those were among her first thoughts but she couldn't help it. Leo's death meant that she was going to have to do what was becoming more and more difficult for her. But she shouldn't be thinking about that now.
She looked back at Leo's image on the television screen. "I'll miss you Uncle Leo," she whispered.
'''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''
Packed, was all that Sam could think as he glanced around the cathedral. Secret Service Agents were everywhere, a testament to Leo's importance and to the importance of many of those in attendance.
His ID had been checked at the door and for half a second he'd wondered if he was going to be allowed inside. Josh and Mallory had both known that he was coming though and he was on the list.
He took a seat in a pew near the middle of the cathedral and glanced at his watch. Fifteen minutes to the start of the service and already so many people had arrived.
Congressman Matt Skinner caught Sam's eyes from across the room and smiled and nodded in his direction. Sam returned the acknowledgment.
So many of his old friends were in this room. He hated that his reunion with them had to come in this kind of circumstance. Why couldn't it have been a wedding that brought them all together again?
In the last few years he'd kept in contact with only his closest friends from DC. He spoke regularly with Josh, Donna, Toby, CJ, and Mallory. Before Leo's death they had kept in contact. He spoke with Will, Charlie, Bonnie, and Ginger on occasion. With those exceptions he hadn't spoken to anyone in this room in at least two years.
When he'd heard about the Gaza bombing on the news, and about Donna and Andy's involvement, he'd considered coming back. He'd called and spoken with CJ, found out that Andy was understandably shaken up but uninjured but that Donna was in critical condition.
He'd hung up from his call to CJ and immediately dialed Leo's number, which he still had memorized. Old habits died hard. Leo had shared his worry about Josh, about such a violent act triggering a PTSD episode.
Both of them had been terrified of what would happen to Josh if Donna didn't make it. By the time of Sam's call Josh had already been on the way to the airport to catch a flight to Germany. They'd been worried that if Donna didn't survive Josh's hours long flight, he'd be alone in Germany when he fell to pieces.
They'd spoken then, briefly, of the feelings that they both had long suspected were between Josh and Donna and Leo had sighed and told Sam that if Donna survived he wouldn't stand between a relationship between Josh and Donna.
Only once before had Sam prayed so hard for a friend's survival.
President Elect and Mrs. Santos were led into the room by Secret Service and taken to the first pew on the left side of the room. President Bartlet and his wife already occupied the pew along with all three of there daughters. Doug Westin was absent. Dr. Bartlet and Mrs. Santos hugged and Mrs. Santos turned her attention to greeting the three girls. President Bartlet and President Elect Santos shook hands.
Sam shook his head. Girls. They wouldn't be happy about that description. Liz was older than he was and Ellie was about his age. His gaze settled on Zoey. It was hard to think of someone as grown up when you'd known them since they were sixteen but Zoey was indeed grown up.
Cars, music, and boys had held sixteen year old Zoey's attention just like they did the attention of most teenage girls. Nearly every time he'd seen her during the campaign she'd had headphones over her ears and much of the time the CD player was up loud enough for him to hear the music several feet away from her. Unlike other teens Zoey had been able to explain the electoral system. She'd joined in on heated debates on the bus and in various hotel rooms and had held her own. And she'd greeted members of Congress and the Senate by name, rarely if ever making a mistake.
As she'd grown older she's kept her vitality, her spirit. Even after Roslyn she'd joked and teased with the group. She'd had a smile for any member of the Senior Staff, usually when they most needed it. He'd looked forward to Zoey's sunny visits to the West Wing.
He'd received a graduation announcement in the mail and had called Zoey to congratulate her. He'd sent a card and a gift.
He was at the gym when news coverage broke in to the program on the television screen closest to him. When he'd first seen the news caster's face fade away and Zoey's face fill the screen he'd chuckled, wondering what mischief the girl had gotten into on graduation night. Josh had filled him in on the French boyfriend that none of them trusted or liked.
And then the voiceover had broken into his amusement. With the rest of the world he'd found out about the kidnapping, the panic sweeping Washington DC and much of the east coast.
He'd wished he was still there, that he was still in the know. That he was still a presidential advisor with access to the information that he'd wanted. There had been no going back, no erasing the decisions he'd made.
He spent the days she was missing glued to the television, hoping that he wasn't going to have to go back for her funeral.
Ginger called him minutes before the news broke to tell him that Zoey had been found and the First Family was on their way to her. He'd opened a bottle of Champaign and celebrated with the latest in a long list of girlfriends since he'd returned to California. A woman who cared enough about politics only to vote once every four years for President.
The Zoey whom he'd seen on TV in the last couple of years wasn't the Zoey he had known. Even through a television screen he could see the lack of energy in her now, the quiet aloofness that had never been there before. She was wounded and he hated to see it.
Behind the Bartlet's and Mrs. Santos sat CJ, Will, Margaret, Carol, and a few others whom he didn't know. He recognized Annabeth from the White House press briefings she'd done. He also recognized Lou from campaign footage he'd seen on TV.
Mallory occupied the first pew on the right side of the room. Her husband and mother sat on either side of her. Jenny held her granddaughter on her lap. Donna and Josh also occupied that pew. With all of the long sleepless nights they'd spent together at the White House, all of the times he'd seen Josh hung over, he was sure he'd never seen the other man look so old, so exhausted.
As the Priest rose to speak Sam felt movement in the pew. He looked up as Toby slid into the one empty spot next to him. Andy was already here, had been here when Sam had arrived. She sat on the other side of the room with a few other Congresspersons.
He tried to turn his attention back to the Priest, to concentrate on the service but couldn't make himself. Images of Leo flashed through his mind throughout the service. Before he knew it they were giving closing prayer.
''''''''''''''''''''''''''''
So many people, Zoey thought as she looked around her. She was glad that Leo had had so many friends, so many people who cared for him. Yet she could feel herself starting to get claustrophobic.
It had been one thing in the church. Everyone had been seated, sticking to themselves or chatting quietly with those seated around them before the service started. Now everyone was mingling, moving about the room with their little plates of delicacies and drinks.
She'd lost count of how many people she'd spoken with in the last half-hour. She wasn't even sure that she knew them all, though, of course, they'd known her.
Her hand tensed around her punch glass. Someone else was approaching, someone else she didn't recognize.
"Zoey." The woman leaned in for a hug and Zoey held back her flinch. She had gotten very good at that. "We were so shocked and saddened when we learned about Leo."
"Yes, so were we."
"This must be so hard on your father, on all of you. You've known Leo for years haven't you?"
"I met Leo and Jenny for the first time when I was only a few days old."
"As I said, this must be so hard for your family."
As much as Zoey wanted to flee, not just this conversation but this whole thing, she kept her expression neutral. "We cared very much for Leo and will miss him greatly." Exactly what her father had said in the statement released to the press.
"Are you close with Leo's daughter? How is she doing? I haven't had a chance to speak with her yet."
Someone joined them, presumably the woman's husband because he put his arm around her. Zoey's head had begun to pound and she had to remind herself to breath. She forced a smile. "Mallory and I have been friends since childhood. We've spoken several times since…. She misses her father, of course, but she's a very strong woman."
"I'm glad that she's doing well."
"It was nice speaking with you Zoey," the man said and she didn't point out that this was the first time he'd spoken. Instead she nodded.
The couple walked away and Zoey glanced around, trying to find the quickest, easiest path to an exit.
She walked toward the door, careful to keep her pace a moderate speed. Outside she found herself in a small garden. She wandered a few feet down the dirt path to a stone bench. Finally a little bit of quiet.
She leaned back against the bench and closed her eyes. For the first time that day she allowed tears to fall. There would probably be mascara streaks down her cheeks but she didn't care, not now.
If anyone found her they'd assume the tears were for Leo. Some of them were, but not all. No one would understand that. Not her mother, her father, either of her sisters, or her friends. Definitely not the politicians and hangers on that had fawned over her since she was just a little girl.
She was Zoey Bartlet, the youngest First Daughter of the United States. Josiah Bartlet's baby girl. The perfect daughter who got straight A's and always tried to make her parents happy. The cheerful girl who always bounced back even after being kidnapped.
Oh, she was allowed to be affected by that. For a little while. But she should be over it by now, shouldn't she? That's what everyone thought, what everyone felt.
They didn't know how she felt when she was exposed to this world. They didn't know how scared she got, even now. How hard it could be to breath in a room packed with people. How hard it was to pretend all was fine when nothing was fine.
"Zoey."
She swallowed hard, instantly placing the voice. She reached up to try to brush the tears away as she looked up.
"Don't." Sam pulled a handkerchief out of his pocket as he sat next to Zoey on the bench. He gently wiped her face.
She was pale and the black streaks the mascara had left on her face stood out boldly. There were rings under her eyes as if she hadn't been sleeping well and she was thin. Thinner than she'd been when he'd first known her when she was a teen.
For what felt like the millionth time that day Zoey forced a smile and a cheerful voice. "Thanks. I just needed a few minutes. Most of those people in there weren't very close to Leo."
"That's true." He saw the relief come into her eyes. She thought he bought it. "Is this all about Leo, Zoey?"
"What?"
He ran his thumb down her still damp cheek and then up to caress the area under her right eye. "When did you stop sleeping?"
"The last few days have been tough Sam, on all of us. Have you slept well?"
"Not too well," he admitted. "But I don't have circles under my eyes."
With a heavy sigh Zoey decided that she should stop trying to fool him. It wasn't working. "I sometimes have trouble sleeping. The last few days it has been worse than usual."
"How long have you had insomnia?"
"A few years."
"Since the kidnapping?" It wasn't really a question and they both knew it. "Your family doesn't know?" Another question he already had the answer to.
"There's always so much going on. So much that each of them has to do, has to take care of. Daddy's health hasn't been the best the last couple of years. I can't put more on them."
The desperation in her eyes, the pleading in her voice, broke his heart. He laid his hand on hers where it lay on the bench between them. "They love you. They'd want to be able to help you."
"You can't tell them any of this Sam. Please."
He should tell her that he couldn't make that promise. That she needed help and her parents couldn't give it to her if they didn't know. On the other hand, he'd picked up on Zoey's problems, on the fact that she wasn't nearly as over the kidnapping as she wanted everyone to believe after spending less than a minute with her.
He'd known Zoey for years but he didn't know her as well at the President and First Lady did, or at least, as well as they should. As well as they had known her not all that long ago.
If her parents hadn't picked up on all that Zoey was still going through maybe she was right. Maybe they were already under too much stress and couldn't handle any more. Maybe they chose to believe that Zoey was alright as a subconscious defense mechanism because it was easiest.
"I think you're making a mistake. Your parents love you. They'd do anything for you Zoey," Sam finally said. "If you don't want them to know, it isn't my business to tell them."
Zoey bit her lip and nodded.
"But Zoey, you have to promise me something. You need help. You need to talk to someone." She started to shake her head and Sam went on. "That's the deal Zo. It doesn't have to be a professional. It can be me. It can be one of your sisters or Josh."
A drop of blood beaded on her bottom lip where she'd been biting it. Sam was startled by the urge to brush it away, or to kiss it away. He shook his head in an effort to clear away the insane thought.
This was Zoey Bartlett, he reminded himself, the President's youngest child. She was twenty years younger than he and here he was fantasizing about kissing her. He could be her friend, her could help through all of this, step in where no one else had. But that was all he could do. All that there could be between the two of them. Why was he having so much trouble convincing himself of that?
He shook his head in a vain effort to clear away those thoughts. "Promise?"
She nodded once. "Thank you." Her voice was so soft that he could barely hear her.
Sam gave into his urge and ran his thumb along her bottom lip, gently wiping away the bead of blood in the process. "You're welcome."
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