To Let Myself Go
By Lanie
Disclaimer: I do not own Pretty Little Liars, Toby, or Spencer.
A/N: This one is open to interpretation. Take from it what you like.
Whenever he comes to see me my world changes color. His eyes are so warm and blue and familiar, but there's something else in them too; something darker than I remember. Something sad. Of course it's not all that surprising because I know that this Toby is nothing more than a figment of my imagination. My Toby is gone from this world forever. I saw it. I saw his lifeless body and felt my whole world shatter.
I close my eyes and count to ten the way my doctor tells me to when the bad thoughts start to make me tremble. When I open them again he is standing at the end of my bed staring at me with those big blue eyes.
"Hello." I say, and he smiles.
"Hey Spence."
He sits beside my bed and I curl my legs up underneath me. I know he's not real. My Toby is dead. Dead, dead, dead.
He sits down in the chair beside my bed where he always sits when he comes to me inside my head.
"You're back." I say. He looks so real as he runs a hand through his hair the way he always used to when he was upset. I want to reach out and touch it but I'm afraid.
"Of course I am." he says and smiles again. He looks handsome today. I think that I say it out loud. I smooth out the wrinkles on my long-sleeved shirt.
"You look beautiful Spencer," he says.
I blush and I'm not even sure why because I know that it's not the real Toby, I know it. I brush a strand of hair behind my ear and sit up straight. He wrings his hands, hands so big and strong. I remember how warm they used to feel on the small of my back, holding me, always protecting me. I wonder if the Toby in my mind has warm hands. I ask him if I can hold one.
He looks taken aback for a moment and then nods, lifting his hand and putting it on the bed beside me. I reach out and run my fingers over his palm. They tingle on contact and I remember their roughness against the bare skin of my arms, my stomach, my chest. I can feel my heartbeat everywhere.
I think maybe he's a ghost.
"Toby," I say. "Are you a ghost?"
"No," he says quietly. He is staring at the empty bindings beside my pillow and I can feel his hands trembling beneath my fingertips.
"They only use those on my hazardous days," I state, looking down at the bindings. "I don't actually remember having any hazardous days."
He laces his fingers through mine slowly and touches the raw skin around my wrists softly with his other hand. His eyes look sad again and I notice a blue patch on the side of his jaw.
"Where did you get that bruise, Toby?" I ask. The room goes silent and his blue eyes start to glisten. I feel a sharp pain in my chest. "I'm sorry."
"Don't be sorry Spencer," he says quickly. "Never be sorry." His eyes lock on mine and I wonder for a moment if a person from inside your head can hear what you're thinking. There are so many pictures inside my head that I think I might burst.
I tell him I love him. His face contorts for a moment but he doesn't answer. I imagine that I can feel his each and every heartbeat in my hand and it makes me smile.
We sit like that for a while, his fingers laced with mine, until the sun begins to shine through my window. It is getting late. Soon, the nurses will arrive with the pills that make my head cloudy and my eyelids heavy. I don't like the pills, I tell him, because when the clouds clear again he is always gone.
"I'll always come back though," he squeezes my hand until it hurts. "You know that."
I tell him I don't really know that because sometimes my mind plays tricks on me and some of the days seem like years without dreaming and I like dreaming because that's when he comes to see me.
"You're not dreaming now, Spence." he says quietly. He's always saying silly things like that, trying to make me believe false truths. I know my truth and my truth is that Toby is dead. I saw it.
I close my eyes and begin to count to ten.
I hear the door open at the count of 8 and panic rises in my chest. The nurse is here and our visit is over. The pills will make Toby disappear back into my mind, lost in the clouds until I can find him again. I'm not ready to let him go, even if he's just in my head. His hands and his eyes are my base. I'm lost without them.
I try to run. Toby catches me in seconds, his strong arms encircling my body and pulling me close. I hear wailing and I think maybe it's coming from my own throat but I can't stop it. I can hear more people entering the room and the wailing gets louder and louder, never ending. I struggle relentlessly until I finally hear his voice in my ear, pleading for me to listen to him, begging for my forgiveness. I feel a pinch in my arm and my heart sinks as the clouds swarm my vision. I want to ask him why he's asking for my forgiveness when all he ever did was protect me, but my mouth is dry and my tongue is heavy. I see visions of black hoods but the panic feels so far away that I don't even need to count this time.
I feel him lift me into his arms and I brush my fingers over his cheek because I know that when I wake up, he'll be gone. His face is wet. I tell him I love him inside my head before he goes, or before I go, just incase he can hear it anyway. The pain in my chest is almost blinding as I lose feeling on the outside. His arms are gone. I listen for his voice so I know that he's heard me.
"I'll love you forever, Spencer."
I think I smile as I lose myself in the darkness.