"Chris!" Dan hollered through the phone. "Get over here right now! We are in crisis mode!"
"What-" But before he could get out another word, he heard a beeping sound, telling him that Dan's had hung up on him for the umpteenth billionth time. He sighed. He had planned a quiet weekend with Elise. Wrong! There are not one moment of peace with Dan around.
"Elise?" he called out to his wife who was in the living room reading, "I'm going over to Dan's place."
"Yeah I heard. What is it this time?" Elise asked.
"He didn't say. He just said it was important."
"Well, just don't do anything stupid."
"I can't promise that."
"Of course." Elise sighed, looking up from her book. "Well I should probably start calling our lawyers."
Chris smiled sheepishly. Elise wasn't exaggerating in the slightest. The majority of Dan's plots often land them in jail for the night with charges of trespassing, attempted theft, assault, resisting arrest, and occasionally, public indecency. Chris bent down to give his wife a peck on the cheek, but just then the phone rang again.
"Cut it out with the mushy feelings Chris! I told you to get over here now!" Dan shouted. Chris stared at Elise who looked back at him with a shocked expression.
"I better go." Chris said hanging up. "See you tonight." He walked out the door and shut it behind him, wondering what was in store for him today.
"Get it here! Hurry!" Dan cried, before Chris even had the chance to knock. He dragged Chris into the apartment and shut the door behind him. "They know I'm here!"
"Who?"
"Look at this!" Dan shouted, shoving a paper in Chris's face. Chris stared at the piece of paper. It was crumpled up and yellowing and the handwriting on it was nearly as illegible as Dan's.
"Hey Dan, meet me by the fountain in the park at 4 pm today." Chris read, "What's this?"
"I found it in front of the door this morning!"
"Well who sent it?"
"How should I know!" he shouted, "There's no return address, no name, who sends letters anyways! Haven't they heard of email?"
"You don't even have a computer." Chris pointed out.
"Irrelevant!" Dan cried. "The point is, they know where I live, they know my name and they want to see me! So I've narrowed it down to three people. You, Elise and the Telemarketer."
"The Telemarketer?" said incredulously.
"Well who else could it be?!" Dan asked. "Well whoever it is-" He grabbed his crowbar from the counter top and opened the front door. "Come on Chris! We're going to the park!"
"Wait? You're really going to do it?" Chris asked.
"I don't know about you Chris, but I like to know who my enemies are!"
"Alright, but I'm not killing anyone or committing any felonies. I'm just putting that out there."
"Of course not." Dan laughed, "I'll just need you to hold him still."
"Oh, well that sounds alright."
"And then I'll break his kneecaps!" Dan added.
"What?! No! You don't even know who this guy is. What if he's a friend?"
"Why would you send a letter? You could just call me!" Dan growled, impatiently.
"What about Ted?"
Dan snorted, "We haven't even talked in like 10 years!" then he added, "And he's not my friend."
"Still, I think we should find out who sent you this letter first and then act accordingly."
"Fine, but if its the Telemarketer disguised as me you'll have to break his kneecaps."
"I already told you I'm not committing any felonies." Chris insisted.
"Oh come on!"
"I don't think this is going to work." Chris protested. He looked down at him. He was wearing one of Dan's shirts which was several sizes too small and a pair of skin tight jeans. Dan had taken a marker and drawn a goatee on Chris's chin.
"Sure it will." Dan said, "It worked with ninja Dave."
"That was just luck." Chris said. He frowned, "Or in my case, bad luck. But I'm not getting poisoned again."
"Will you relax?! Look you're just sitting by the fountain and waiting for whoever sent the letter to show himself and then." He slapped the crowbar against the palm of his hand and snickered. Then he shoved Chris out of the bushes the two of them had been hiding behind. "Now go!"
Dan watched as Chris walked over to the fountain at the center of the park and sat down to wait. He stuck his face though the bushes, hoping to get a good eye full of whoever it was that was looking for him. He took out his phone and looked at the time. 3:39; whoever it was would be here any minute now.
"Hey there old man."
"Who's there!" Dan hollered, "I bite!" He whirled around. Behind him stood a kid who looked to be about eleven or twelve. He had short curly hair and a face full of freckles. Something about him seemed oddly familiar. "Who are you?" he asked, lifting his crowbar. His eyes narrowed, "Are you one of those lemonade stand kids?"
"Ah!" the kid cried with a look of exasperation, "Don't tell me you forgot already old man. Cause then I would be embarrassed."
"Stop calling me old!" Dan shouted, "I'm 32! I'm not even old enough to be your father! That's disgusting! Who are you even?!"
The kid snarled in frustration and took a slingshot out from his pocket. He took out a toy car and pulled the rubber band back, launching the model vehicle at Dan's head.
"Ow!" Dan cried, holding a hand on his brushed head. A sudden thought crossed his mind, "Denis?"
"Well who else did you think it was?!" Denis cried. "Did you adopt someone else after I left you pedophile!?"
"Hey! Do you kiss your mother with that mouth!?" he paused for a moment. "I hope not cause they're horrible. Lousy hippies... call me unqualified... they're the ones that are unqualified." he grumbled, still fuming. He turned back to Denis, "Did you steal from them like I said?"
"They buy new furniture every year." Denis said, smiling, "You should see the place I have by the dump. Its awesome!"
"Excellent." Dan said, rubbing his hands together.
Denis peeked over Dan's shoulder and pointed at Chris who was still standing by the fountain. "Is that your friend? What was his name.. Crap?"
"Chris, but close enough."
"Why is he dressed as you?"
"I don't know, he insisted." Dan shrugged.
"Weird." Denis said, raising an eyebrow. "Hey you wanna hit Burgerphile? Its on me."
"Eh, why not." Dan grinned. Then he made a face, "But if they put cheese on my burger one more time I swear I'll burn the place to the ground!"
"Terrific. Its a little cold tonight anyways."
3 hours later...
"Hey Dan!" Chris shouted into the bushes, "Dan are you there? Its been a few hours and I don't see anyone. Maybe we should go home! Dan? Hello?..."