Warning: There is so much angst within this story you will need a couple thousand boxes of tissues to dry your eyes. I also make fun of emos and I know a lot of you are little emos, I do not want to hear any bitchin' about it. I know someone wants to be like: "My name is Saphire Love Sprinkle Muffins and I am emo but I don't cut myself or cry or only shop at hot topic or blah blah blah Twilight rules! (lol jk) Blah! Itachi-kun is so kawaii! Blah blah your face! Blah!" This is humor, laugh. I mean, this is angst, cry.
Hidan glared at Itachi who was calmly eating cereal, like he had all fucking day or some shit.
"How'd you sleep," Kisame asked, pouring himself some sugar coated delight.
"I had a nightmare," Itachi stated, politely nibbling on his meal.
"In sorry," Kisame said, sitting down.
"I'm sick of all this bullshit," Hidan yelled.
"Morning to you too Hidan," Kisame greeted.
"Why the fuck does he get special treatment? Sometimes I get sad too!
"Whats his problem," Kisame whispered into Itachi's ear.
"Kakuzu left yesterday afternoon and without him, Hidan feels the need to pick fights with everyone."
"Oh," Kisame gasped and returned his attention to his cereal.
"Stop acting like you know me, Uchiha!"
"Is somebody hating on Itachi, un," Deidara asked, peeking his head into the kitchen. "Let me join! Itachi yo mamma-"
"Is dead," Itachi finished, with a loud clang from his spoon.
"Poor Itachi," Kisame cooed.
"Poor Itachi," Hidan yelled, making his chair fly back when he stood up. "He killed that bitch! It was his own fault!"
"Hidan don't be jealous that Itachi is angstier than you," Pain stated, trying to bring the noise level down to none.
"I'm ten times angstier than Itachi," Hidan countered. "I hurt myself! Suck on that Uchiha!"
"You like the pain," Itachi stated, putting his bowl in the sink. Hidan growled at him and his attitude problem.
"You can't be angstier than Itachi," Kisame laughed. "Its in his blood."
"Angst runs in my family too!"
"You don't even have a last name," Itachi mentioned. "Your village is unheard of along with your religion."
"Face it Hidan," Kisame added. "You are a throw-away character."
"Why don't you two go choke on a fucking dick," Hidan fumed.
"Itachi would like that, un," Deidara added. "Wait, no he wouldn't because he can take it like a pro."
"You would know Deidara," Itachi glared.
"Hidan," Pain yelled. "I am sick of your constant need to fight with people, we are going to settle this once and for all. You and Itachi meet in the main room in a few hours, bearing your emo shit, we are going to have Akatsuki's first and hopefully last angst battle!"
Hidan was searching through his room trying to find anything that screamed of angst. He pushed a few dead bodies out of the way and reached his hand under the bed, getting it caught by a few bear traps.
"Son of a bitch," Hidan yelped, jumping a good three feet in the air.
"Face it, Hidan, you aren't angsty," Deidara lectured, leaning in his doorway.
"I'm plenty angsty," Hidan fired back, resuming his digging. "Shit!" He pulled out his arm to see it ensnared in another bear trap.
"Hidan, I'd really hate to help you, but you'll need my artistic genius," Deidara sighed. "Do you have a diary, un?"
"Diaries are for pussies," Hidan snapped, removing the bear trap from his arm. Deidara frowned, he had a diary.
"Not everyone with a diary are pussies, un. But, emos are generally pussies."
"Well, shit, I don't want to be a pussy."
"Then why do you want to be seen as angsty," Deidara asked, frustrated with Hidan's logic.
"I'm tired of everyone giving a rat's ass about Itachi! Every time he fucking breathes someone cries because it is so depressing! Plus," Hidan's voice suddenly became quiet and a lot more serious. "Just because he fucked up and didn't kill his brother, he has to live with the shame so whenever he talks, the whole room goes silent and listens to him. I want people to listen to me!"
"That's because when he talks it is a blessing from the Gods," Deidara snickered.
"Not gods, just Jashin is up there looking down on us. Not like you would know, seeing as you never fucking listen!"
"You're ridiculous, un," Deidara stated with a good eye roll.
"Does this look depressing enough," Hidan asked, holding up a blood-soaked shirt.
"No, charcoal is the new blood in the underground fashion. You really do need my help. Bring your eyeliner and come to my room, un."
"What the fuck is eye liner?" Deidara sighed, this was going to be impossible.
Itachi sat cross-legged on his bed, preparing his inner-angst. Kisame sat on the floor next to him, box of tissues in hand, listening to Itachi's musings. "My cereal was soggy this morning". Kisame's lip quivered at Itachi's story. If only he had known Itachi was suffering this badly! He was there but he obviously didn't care enough for his comrade. Kisame felt horrible.
"I'm sorry Itachi," Kisame whispered, trying to reach a hand up to comfort Itachi. Itachi pulled his hand away, not really fond of touching.
"Fuck, I thought chicks were susposed to be good at this shit," Hidan yelled as Deidara tried to apply eye liner to his friend's eye but accidently kept on stabbing his pupils. "Let me do it!" Hidan grabbed the black stick and smeared it all over his eyes so he looked like a raccoon. "Sexy, right?"
"Un," Deidara answered. "Smudge it a bit so it looks like you were crying." Hidan looked back in the mirror and rubbed his hands over his face so he had black streaks running up and down from his eyes. "Now put these clothes on while I write you a poem and find my diary." Deidara threw him a mass of black fabric and shut the bathroom door.
Kisame was starting to break down listening to Itachi's internal suffering that he could have stopped or at least help him through. "When Orochimaru tried to rape me, I almost let him. I am useless in this world anyways." That was it, Kisame broke down. It was his fault Itachi almost got raped (even though Orochimaru swears he just wanted his body, like that makes it any better) because he wanted to go to a tea house. Because he ditched his comrade, Itachi would have become Orochimaru's newest toy.
"I-I'm sorry," Kisame stuttered, not like his pity words could help quell Itachi's emotional distress or make up for how irresponsible of a partner he was.
"Hn," Itachi responded.
Kakuzu was on his way back to the Akatsuki lair, which was easy to find seeing as Pain kept on leaving neon signs everywhere, leading to the base. But even his leader's zany antics couldn't bring his mood down. Kakuzu had a very slight skip in his step because the newest bounty had been marked up ten percent which meant ten percent more went into his wallet. Despite all this joy, he felt a nagging feeling deep inside, telling him not to go to the lair so quickly. Maybe sit outside and enjoy the nice weather the rain village had to offer, constantly. But when has Kakuzu ever listened to emotion over reason?
Exactly forty years ago. And he hated it.
Further down the trail of neon a few animals graced Kakuzu's side. Feeling so oddly happy he decided to allow them to stay. He was particularly fond of the deers, like they would help him solve his problems later in life.
Pain and Konan were busy setting up for the angst-off. They were trying to hang a banner hand that read 'Angst Battle 2010' over two chairs facing opposite a worn-in couch. The coffee table was pulled close to the couch with two tissue boxes on it.
"Hurry up," Sasori complained. "You know I hate waiting yet you dragged me down here when you knew they weren't going to be ready."
"Why don't you help then," Pain hissed, wobbling on his chair. He stuck the thumb tack in place and jumped down from the chair skillfully, landing on his face.
"Itachi's coming," Kisame called from the top of a staircase. "Try not to cry." Itachi stepped down and into the living room with an uncaring look he sat down on one of the two chairs and placed his hands neatly on his lap.
"Uchiha can suck it," Deidara yelled from another room. "Introducing the most depressing thing you have seen, Hidan, un!" Hidan walked into the room with a huge grin and a confident pose. "You are supposed to be sad," Deidara hissed in his ears. Hidan nodded and lost his confidant aura. He dropped his hands and hunched his back.
"Where's you Akatuski outfit," Pain asked Hidan.
"Oh, I'm wearing my normal clothes before you uh," Hidan paused and pulled back a sleeve of his black hooded sweater. "Captured my soul to rot in this organization, un." Deidara shot Hidan a thumbs up gesture, mouthing 'perfect'.
"I never knew you wore that much black, or a shirt in general."
"It must be hard doing ninja stuff with all those chains on your trousers," Sasori scoffed.
"It must be really tough being sneaky with them ratt-," Konan stopped, realizing her mistake of implying Hidan (the loudest and brashest ninja) as somewhat sneaky.
"The chains are just another burden for my heart to carry. Not to mention all the pain I can cause whipping motherfuckers with them." Deidara sent a sharp glare at Hidan. "But – uh – It's mostly that soul crap."
"Mhmm maybe you are deeper than you first appeared," Pain pondered. "Konan, Sasori and myself will be the judge of that though. Take a seat next to Itachi and I will explain how this is going to work." Hidan shrugged and leaned back in the chair, trying to balance it on the back legs. "You are going to tell us about yourselves and it will probably make us cry. We will use the tissue that corresponds to your color to dry out tears and at the end whoever has the greatest number of tissues is the most depressed member."
"Don't start without Tobi," Tobi called running into the room, dragging a fern along with him. "I brought Zetsu-san too!" He bounced down on the couch next to Konan and Sasori.
"This couch for judges only," Konan stated. "You, Kisame and Deidara get bean-bag chairs."
"What about Zetsu," Tobi asked. "Never mind, he can sit in my lap!" Tobi happily skipped towards the bean bag chairs and flopped down on one.
"Ahem," Pain coughed, clearing his throat. "Let's have the personal diary reading first. Itachi you start."
"First entry, I joined Akatsuki today," Itachi stated, free of emotion. "I am paired with an oddly attractive salmon named Kisame. Second entry, I found out he was a shark, he's not that attractive anymore. Third, Kisame and myself had tea. It was rather lovely, we chatted about ourselves. I almost got my body abused by a snake. Fourth, Kisame and I went to visit my old friends at the leaf. They tried to kill us, it was fun. I met Sasuke, he tried to kill me, it was fun." Itachi closed his diary and looked at the judges. Konan and Sasori were trying to hold back tears while Pain was crying a river, his head slammed down on the coffee table.
"That's so depressing," Pain cried, wiping away some snot from his nose. "I never knew you had it this hard."
"Hn," Itachi responded, brushing away a lone tear. That made Konan break, she picked up a tissue and started to wipe away her own tears.
From the spectator's section, Deidra scowled. Damn that Itachi and his angst, Deidara thought. Kisame was sobbing almost as uncontrollably as Pain. "Poor Itachi-san," Tobi whispered.
"Do you need a minute, Pain," Sasori asked, trying to control the wavering of his voice.
"I'm okay," Pain reassured, composing his emotions. "That makes Itachi's tissue count twenty so far. Hidan, your turn to share."
"Umm," Hidan panicked flipping Deidara's diary open to a random page. "Dear diary, have you ever noticed how hot Sasori looks when his hair hits the sunlight? I wish he wouldn't stay in that ugly puppet all the time- what the fuck is this!"
"Next entry," Deidara screamed. Hidan panicked and fliped to another random page that didn't have hearts.
"Dear diary, today I tried to tie my shoe. Then I realized I don't wear sneakers because my mom used to whoop my ass with sneakers, un. Now I'm scarred for life and like to beat woman with shoe laces. I cut myself because I was so sad, un. Sometimes I wish my life was fleeting like true art because living forever sucks? No it fucking doesn't! I get to kill all the heathens I want and –"loud coughing and a serious glare from Deidara cut him off. "I mean, yea it sucks or whatever. Erm, what's that word I can't read it, it's all smudged."
"From your tears, right Hidan," Deidara suggested.
"Ew, I think it's saliva. No! I mean tears, defiantly tears. Anyways, next entry, I cried so much today, I smudged all my eyeliner which made me cry even more. I then went to Hot Topic to buy some more but they ran out of blackest black and all they had was black. That made me cry, un." All three of the judges let silent cries escape at Hidan's angsty words.
"I never knew you suffered that much," Konan whispered.
"We all didn't," Sasori cried. "Damn, I thought I swore off these stupid emotions, but…that was just too depressing. I think you even made Zetsu cry." The words Sasori spoke were true as the fern's leaf started to drip something. Deidara smiled a dark smirk at Hidan who returned it with a wink. We've got this Deidara plotted. Finally, I beat Uchiha at his own game.
After Pain composed himself, yet again , he counted up the tissues. "That's twenty five from Hidan, I never knew your life was that sad."
"I try," Hidan shrugged, with a smile.
"They next competition is poetry, Itachi would you start us off?"
"Hn," Itachi responded, getting up from his chair. "I call this one Duck Butt. Duck Butts, whenever I see them I think of you. I see you crying, I see me crying. Maybe I should kill all the ducks so they don't remind me of you. Or maybe you should cut your hair. Duck butts." Itachi sat back down and the room erupted in snaps. Damnit that was so emo, Hidan thought accidentally ripping Deidara's poem into shreds from rage. Shit, shit, shit!
"Very depressing," Pain congratulated. "That's ten more tissues to your count. Hidan?"
"Umm, here I go," Hidan panicked looking at Deidara for support. He showed him the shredded paper and Deidara's eye became worried. He quickly searched the room then pointed to the fern in Tobi's arms. "Erm, fern over there. It looks like shit because nobody gives a fuck to water it. But I hate plants, they are so fucking gross. Actually plants aren't that bad it's just the fucking color green. It's so appalling, like Jashin left that color to torture us. You know what? It's not even the color green, it's the color green paired with red and stuck in someone's head where their eyes are meant to be. In other words Kakuzu. He seriously sucks, it's always money this, money that. He never lives, not that he should, he's got a one-way ticket into Jashin's merciless claws. End." Hidan sat down victorious as snaps helped feed his ego.
"Who knew he had it in him," Kisame asked.
"Seriously," Deidara answered, equally stunned at Hidan's mad poetry skills.
The three judges sat with their mouths wide open, not believing what they heard.
"How you started off so happy," Sasori said.
"Then ended so sad, it was," Konan added.
"Beautiful," Pain finished. "Do you have anything else, you'd like to share?"
"Of course I fucking do," Hidan smiled. They are finally paying attention to me,he thought happily. "Well just the other day when you sent me and that useless tit, Kakuzu out on that shit mission to kill some guy or whatever we saw something weird. Naturally, I wanted to know what the fuck it was. It turned out to be the shine of an enemy's weapon! So I lobbed that guy's head off probably saving Kakuzu's fucking life, but did I get a thank you? No! That bastard sewed my mouth shut! Do you know how much that fucking hurts to get out! Not only that, he cuts me up whenever he damn well pleases! That bastard takes advantage of my gift from Jashin! It's not fucking fair!" Itachi scooted his chair closer to Hidan and placed a hand on his.
"It's okay," Itachi whispered trying to comfort him. Hidan looked up to see the rest of the room's reactions and had to bury his head inside his hands to hide the tears of laughter. The whole room was sniffling and letting their emotions flow. He tried to stop his laughing but it ended up sounding like muffled cries, making everyone continue their pity on Hidan.
"He's so heartless," Konan cried.
Suddenly, the door swung open to reveal Kakuzu and a few woodland creatures standing in the doorway. "Hello my fellow comrades," Kakuzu cheered with some much joy it was unnatural. "I've had a very lovely day today." He held out his finger so a cute bird could land on it. "How was your afternoon, my friends?"
"The bastard," Pain yelled. "Get him for causing Hidan's angst!" All of the Akatsuki members, save for Tobi, "Zetsu" and Hidan lunged at Kakuzu bearing their fangs. The frightened animals ran away from Kakuzu's side in a hurry.
"How can you hurt him that much you soulless monster," Kisame yelled before biting down hard on Kakuzu's arm.
Hidan couldn't contain himself anymore and fell from his chair in fits of laughter. A loud crashing noise interpreted Hidan's hysteria and made the attacking members look up. Where a wall once stood, four figures stood tall against the light.
"Itachi," the middle right one hissed. "I've come-" his speech was cut off as he saw a banner advertising an angst battle.
"Oh God no," another figure panicked. "Sasuke don't, keep your eyes on the prize."
"Shut up! Let Sasuke do what he wants," the only female one yelled at the one who just spoke. Sasuke walked slowly towards the free chair and pulled out his own diary and a stack of tissues.
"Now, the battle begins."