A/N: This is the sequel to Experimental Authors and makes reference to things that transpired in that story. The setting here is only days after the incident and encompasses two to three weeks of life in Survey Corps HQ. I hope you enjoy this one-shot!
Song: You Drive Me Crazy by Britney Spears
There were a great many things in the world that Mikasa Ackerman didn't understand. For example, she had never understood Armin Arlert's obsessive need to know why. She supposed they weren't wired the same way. He was extremely intelligent and, though she was no fool, she had little interest in academic pursuits or asking questions. Armin was happiest when he was finding things out. Perhaps that was the reason he'd been hounding her for the last week over her change in temperament; more specifically, he wanted to know why she was avoiding Eren.
Thus far she'd refused to give her friend the satisfaction of an answer. In the beginning he'd been understanding, assuming whatever difficulty lay between herself and her adoptive brother would resolve itself, but when days came and went without improvement he grew curious.
She'd felt his eyes on her, watching as she refrained from ending an argument between Jean and Eren during dinner. Instead she'd kept her head low, seemingly fascinated with her supper, as the two slung insults. When the war of words threatened to become a full-blown fight she stood from the table, abandoning her near full plate, and moved toward the door.
Eren had glanced at her, but said nothing. He'd shown no concern for her unusual attitude. He made no move to stop her, did not ask about her health or wonder if anything had happened to her that day. She hadn't expected he would and told herself that it was best for a clean break.
Even so, his indifference to her lack of interference stung. Was he glad to be rid of her or did he not notice the difference in her treatment of him? He'd never had a talent for observation, but she would have thought this change monumental. She couldn't remember the last time she allowed a battle without a word of protest, without stepping in and ending it herself.
Armin, after failing to calm the situation in the dinning hall, went to find her; she hadn't tried to hide and he had no trouble steering her to an empty hallway.
The blond wasted no time with pleasantries. "What insensitive thing has he done now?"
She kept her expression neutral. "Nothing."
"No really though. What did Eren do?"
"He hasn't done anything, Armin."
"He must have done something or is it because he hasn't done anything? Was he insensitive by omission?"
A sigh. "No, Armin. He really hasn't done anything wrong."
"Then why did you walk out when it was obvious that he was about to get into with Jean? Are you sick?"
"Perhaps I am."
He thought the answer very unlike her. Evasive. Mikasa was one for honesty, brutal honesty and she had no shame when it came to that. Truth mattered to Mikasa.
His eyes searched hers, hoping to find a hint of...something. Anything really. A clue hidden in onyx.
"Mikasa-"
She shook her head and ended the conversation with, "Armin I don't have anything to tell you."
He hadn't given up, not by any means, but he'd allowed her to walk away without protest.
In the days that passed, when she wasn't actively training or avoiding Armin, she tried her best to do as she'd been asked without drawing undo attention to herself. It would be mortifying to be caught looking.
She'd made the decision to give him a chance, but felt unsure of what he wanted her to see. As it was she felt she hadn't found any great change in him, though she had discovered, to her surprise, that her new hobby was shared by many. She'd never noticed before, how many people looked at Levi.
The first time she'd caught someone at it was also the first time she tried doing it herself; being more aware of him meant she was cognizant of those surrounding him and she'd never before noticed the number of gazes that followed the Corporal when he came into a room.
It was supper, he came into the dinning hall at his usual time, ignored everyone the way he always did, and sat with Hanji and Commander Erwin at a table near the back of the room. It was ordinary, so routine that she would have thought nothing of it had she not been looking, but she was.
Silence.
Conversations halted, forks froze in mid air, and she was almost sure those he passed directly stopped breathing altogether. Even her own table, the most boisterous group, fell quiet until Levi was seated and the normal level of noise didn't return immediately.
She wondered why she'd never noticed before, but guessed that she hadn't paid enough attention to the actions of the others. When she ate, she ate. When she spoke, she spoke. When she listened to someone speak, she gave that person her full attention. It was second nature to tune out sights and sounds in the periphery.
It amazed her how the corporal caused such a disturbance in the natural flow.
Time passed, training continued and she kept watching.
The modification in perspective was gradual, so much so that she failed to feel it. It wasn't until Sasha called her out for staring during dinner and she blushed that Mikasa realized something had happened.
She would have never done that before. She didn't show emotion in general, much less blush in embarrassment. It was ridiculous. She'd never cared what anyone thought of the things she did.
It was then that she knew:
Watching Levi was changing her.
It was disturbing. She thought back over the last few days, realized the chibi had occupied most of the space in her mind and that she'd thought little of Eren's safety during that time.
She didn't like it. It seemed wrong on so many levels. So many that she could list them without a second thought.
He was her superior officer. Being a superior officer was definitely a big one. Definitely.
Besides that he was short. How could she ever want to be with a man who was shorter than herself? Who would?
Also, there was the clear fact that-
He was staring at her while she stared at him.
Her face heated instantly. She'd hadn't even realized she was watching him, but what did she have to be embarrassed about? He'd asked her to do it. He was the one who should blush. What kind of a man stared at woman that way?
Even so, she found herself averting her eyes and striding away.
"Ackerman."
She kept going.
"Ackerman."
He wasn't speaking loudly, she could pretend she hadn't heard him and it would be fine. He would never have to know that she'd been looking. It wasn't any of his business. For all he knew she'd been watching someone else or staring at a spot of dirt.
"Mikasa."
She stopped, pivoted and schooled her expression so he wouldn't be able to see the disturbance he caused in her. She could act like she hadn't been about to ignore him; he didn't know if she'd heard him or not, right? It was fine. She was fine. Everything was fine.
"You've been watching me."
"So?" She went on the defensive. "You told me to. I'm doing you a favor."
His response stunned her.
"Alright."
That was it. Just 'alright'. He shrugged and walked away.
'Alright'? What did he mean by 'alright'?
Did he not care? Why had he stopped her if he didn't care? What was he doing?
More importantly, why did she care?
There was something really and truly wrong with her. There had to be.
She was having trouble sleeping. Her mind refused to settle in the evening, she woke often during the night and her dreams were explicit, in line with the one that led to...
Suffice it to say, the lack of sleep was making her irritable and unfocused.
"Holy hell! Mikasa, was the necessary?" Jean wheezed as he fell to his knees.
She blinked. "Sorry."
In her distributed state she'd sent each of her five sparring partners to the ground moments after beginning their practice. Generally she held back enough to avoid causing serious damage, but now she would be without a partner; Jean was the last one willing to stand opposite her and he was hobbling to the sidelines.
"Ackerman."
She froze.
"Fight me."
She couldn't say no, that would give her away, as it was her hesitation was likely to tip him off. The others wouldn't notice this, but if she tried to walk away they would all know something was happening.
The tilt of Armin's head led her to believe that he already had an inkling.
Jean seemed oddly annoyed.
Others were watching, waiting with bated breath for the battle to begin.
They'd trained together before. She'd never had a problem accepting his challenges; though she hadn't ever won she acknowledged his distinction as Humanity's Strongest and took what she could from the experiences.
This wasn't any different. It was just training.
She tried to copy his previously aloof tone and look when she said, "Alright," thought it felt forced and she blushed at her inability to remain unaffected.
Blushing again.
She hated this. She hated the way he was making her feel and he wasn't even trying.
Mikasa shifted into position with renewed determination and the fight began.
To the untrained eye the struggle looked like any other. Levi clearly had the upper hand, as he always did, but Mikasa would not go down easily.
"They're so great," Sasha whispered. "Almost as great as potatoes."
"Mikasa is way better than any potato, you freak," Jean hissed. "Heichou's just showing off."
Connie shook his head. "Nah, he's into it. Besides, who else could she fight? She can take us all down."
"Yeah, Mikasa's a prodigy. Shouldn't we all be training too? Guys, lets get to it!" There was a slightly bitter edge to Eren's tone.
"No one's going to take you up on that. We don't see those two together often," Armin left things unsaid and kept his eyes on the pair. He could see the change. It was slight, but it was definitely different. They were almost too aggressive.
Mikasa wouldn't talk to him about her attitude toward Eren, so he found himself drawing his own conclusions. Something had changed the night their stories were read. No one knew what happened after she left with Levi, none of them were brave enough to ask and the two in question offered no explanations, but whatever it was it had been significant.
He just hoped the situation would soon be resolved because whatever tightrope they were walking couldn't go on holding all that weight.
The black-haired girl was unaware of the eyes focused on herself, her concentration centered on the man in front of her.
Levi was taking their fight seriously and she couldn't help but feel that she had to work to do the same. She had to match him while ignoring new feelings, feelings that led her to notice things she didn't want to admit she saw.
Like his eyes, she'd never noticed their color before.
Like his hair, the way it fell, hardly a strand out-of-place despite the rigorous activity.
Like his entire self. All of him, just all of him. She noticed everything about him.
And then she was on her back without any idea how she got there.
"Practice brats!" Levi barked at the crowed. "If you aren't sparring in five seconds you'll be shoveling horse shit until midnight!"
She didn't stand up, made no attempt to move. Instead, she closed her eyes.
Why did it feel as if the world was tilting?
"Ackerman."
Why did her heart pound?
"Ackerman."
Why did her stomach clench?
"Mikasa."
He was crouched beside her; she'd hadn't been prepared for him to be so close.
"Did you hit your head?"
She opened her mouth to answer in the negative, but found her voice missing. Immediately her face began to heat and she shook her head rapidly, hoping it would somehow clear her muddled mind.
"Then what the hell are you doing?" he hissed as he grabbed her by the arm, heaving her onto her feet. "Go wash yourself. You're disgusting."
Rather than answer with a biting, sarcastic remark she made to follow the directive, yet was stopped by the one who'd given the order.
"What exactly is wrong with you?"
She couldn't answer that.
"Since when do you take orders from me without any sass?"
When her mouth remained glued shut he yanked her away from the training grounds.
Mikasa stumbled after him, unable to fight against his pull and unsure that she even wanted to. Was it better to let it out now, before things got too out of hand? She could put a stop to it all.
Her decision was made, she would stop looking at Levi. She would confess that she'd done it, it would be wrong to lie, but she would resolve to never do it again.
She would tell him he meant nothing to her. That one time... It was nothing. Nothing but a stupid fantasy played out in reality and it wouldn't be happening again.
They came to a sudden stop in a deserted hallway where Levi rounded on the girl, pushing her backward, none too gently, into the wall.
"Okay, bitch. Explain yourself."
She wanted to. She'd been planning to, right? Only a moment ago she'd known what to say. What was it she'd decided to tell him again? Her mind was foggy. He was too close, dammit!
"Ackerman, start talking."
It was a threat and she knew it; he was clearly loosing patience with her silence, but she turned her face away and closed her eyes. What would he do if she couldn't answer? Would she be punished?
"You've been a bad girl..."
Of all the times for a memory of that night to crop up.
"You need to be punished."
She swallowed thickly. She didn't want that, not now. That was ridiculous. This whole thing was ridiculous. And stupid. She was so stupid. He was stupid. Everything was stupid and wrong and messed up and ridiculous and stupid and stupid and, and...
"Dammit, bitch, speak when your spoken to or I'll-"
She kissed him.
It was still stupid. She was still stupid. He was still stupid.
Connie was amazed. "Holy shit, Mikasa and Heichou?"
Jean was incredulous. "That's not even possible."
Sasha was astonished. "This is almost better than potatoes."
Eren was confused. "How did it happen?"
Armin was relieved. "At least it's all out in the open now."
Yes. It was stupid. It was stupid and wrong and messed up and ridiculous and stupid and stupid and, and...
She didn't care. She didn't care that they'd been caught by Hanji who shouted some unintelligible exclamation of surprise and then ran around telling anyone and everyone that she'd caught them in a compromising situation. She didn't care that people whispered as Levi dragged her through the hallways and into his bedroom. She didn't care that her face was as red as a tomato when he insisted on undressing her himself.
No, she didn't care about any of that.
What she did care about was the fact that either one of them could die at any moment, leaving the other to carry the burden of too few memories and blackened possibilities.
"Don't think about that," he said. "It doesn't matter. This isn't something we'll regret," he turned a hard eye on her, "Right?"
"Right."
The End
