Title: Stealing Sunshine
Author: JRease
Summary: The reason Santana Lopez really got her boob job. Mature themes.
Rating: NC-17/M
Warnings: Descriptions of vulgarity, anatomical associations and awkward situations.
Notes: I know nothing about gender reassignment or intersex individuals. No offense to anyone but the idea simply popped into my head and wouldn't stop bothering me. Looking at at least six chapters… Some spoilers.
" Breast augmentation surgery; it's our most viable option. Your hormone dosage is finally at a stable level; and even still it's not providing enough estrogen for you to develop normally. Adding more to your system now will only increase the amount of testosterone combating it. That will further compromise your current condition."
She felt her eyes tearing, a wet heat brimming on the edges of her smoky lids. She was trying her best not to cry. She hated the way her face frowned when she cried so she sniffed the pesky emotion back in, trying to compose herself before her parents tried to comfort her. They sat on either side of her, intently concentrating on what her doctor was saying.
"We were prepared for this, Ana." Her father said, rubbing circles into her empty open palm.
"You're 16 now." Her mother added.
The doctor took a deep breath, continuing in a somber tone.
"With the onslaught of puberty, we were hoping the natural development would stifle the other physical anomaly. However, it's evident that both organs are actually growing simultaneously. Consequently, we want to thwart any possibilities that your breasts may not develop as they should. We cannot move forward with the gender assignment surgery until we understand all the risks involved."
He inhaled again, repositioning his thin wire-framed glasses higher on the bridge of his slender nose.
"In your case, there is little chance that we can reconstruct a… aesthetic genital area without compromising sensation or reproduction. Ultimately you will be sacrificing positive sexual stimulation for a 'traditional'," he air quoted the word, "package. While you are not barren, you may experience copious obstacles if you decide to conceive; including miscarriage and atopic pregnancies. The surgery is a risk but it is a logical option. You need to be certain about your choice as the procedure is irreversible in nature. We also have to reassess the functionality of your…penis."
She cringed. It was a part of her, she couldn't deny it. She remembered the first time she'd explored the area, finding first flaccid, phallic skin where—according to her Daddy's anatomy charts, a little button should be. A small bundle of nerves had somehow morbidly transformed into a somewhat slender, slightly protruding ... thing. She quickly bypassed it, finding under the offensive skin the normal things a little girl should have. She was only seven. Still, as she grew, it did too, and she could no longer ignore the formalities that came with such a package.
"Your case is extremely rare, Santana. While your appearance is dominantly feminine and your reproductive organs are prominently female the …penis," She winced. "attached at the clitoral hood, is not. At this rate, the testosterone the organ is pumping through your body is inhibiting the normal physical changes a girl your age should have already finished. We can wait to see if the organ has enough nerve endings to construct a functioning clitoris, however, if seminal glands or testicles begin to develop it will ultimately eliminate some a lot of the options that will be available. The urinary tract, since it is also located in the penis," She flinched. "…may need to be rearranged to a more convenient location—"
"What do you mean, rearranged? I don't want to pee upside down Dr. J. Be straight with me. Her arms were crossed; her defiance plastered on her face stubbornly.
"Nothing serious. Some of the tissue that would need to be severed could very well damage the underlying tissue. We will tread safely, however, the repercussions of gender assignment are still looming. Mr. and Mrs. Lopez, I believe Santana and I have some personal things to discuss. As her intersex physician and counselor, I have to guarantee that Santana fully understands the severity of the procedure; and so without pressure or influence. I'll send Santana out with her discharge papers."
Her parents filed out of the room, her father glancing back before securely shutting the door behind him.
" Okay. Santana, after your physical today, we noticed that your penis is growing at a delayed, but semi-normal rate. Consequently, the erectile tissue that surrounds it seems to be semi-functioning. If so, you will begin to experience certain parts of puberty that has been delayed due to your annual hormone shots. This same erectile tissue, primarily the sensitive skin on the tip of your penis, has become a practical replacement for clitoral nerve endings. If we can assure that the organ works properly, we can assist in giving you a working vaginal hood and clitoris. However, we will have to halt the hormone shots and see if we can gain use from the penis-"
"Stop calling it that! It's skin. That's all it is and all it has ever been. Just cut it off!"
"Calm down Santana. Not letting the development of the penis occur can cause complications in mental health after the surgery. If we sever the penile tissue and stop the hormones, you could very well identify as a masculine individual—"
She cut him off, grinding her shoe into the ground as she leaned forward.
"I am a GIRL, Dr. Jennings. I KNOW for a fact that I am a girl, and that's ALL I want to be."
He pushed his chair away from his desk, removing his glasses and pinching the bridge of his nose. He looked at her sympathetically.
"Santana. You have to cope with the fact that you are an intersexed individual. The sooner you accept it, the quicker we can determine the correct mode of action." She sat back in her seat, her arms still crossed defensively over her chest. "Now, I have a few questions for you." She rolled her eyes. "Have you experienced any feeling in the penis? Have you felt any erection lasting for more than a few moments?" She shook her head 'No' waiting for him to continue.
"Has there been any pre-ejaculatory fluid? "
"No."
"Any seminal fluid?"
"None whatsoever."
"Any self stimulation? "
"Ew. No."
"Evidence of nocturnal emissions?"
"Nope."
"Okay, when do you feel anything?"
"When I use the bathroom. When I wash it, it feels like I'm pulling extra skin."
"No other times?"
"No."
"Okay."
He scribbled things down on her chart, closing it with an exasperated sigh.
"Santana I understand that this is one of the biggest decisions you will make in your lifetime. All I am asking is that you have the patience to undergo the necessary precautions before going under the knife. Finding out later that you could have lead a healthy, normal sexual life will be a slap to the face. We can schedule the augmentation for late June, and we can begin to discuss the gender assignment surgery after we have affectively weaned you off your hormones. Do you know what…size you were looking into?"
"Nothing too noticeable. And nothing blatantly obvious."
"I'll assume that's a small C cup?" She shook her head yes, resting her temple on her fisted knuckles. "After today we will cut all of you hormone shots. As you have more estrogen levels normally, it shouldn't affect your appearance or bodily functions. Your period may be sporadic for a while, it should hopefully stabilize after your levels even out."
"How am I going to hide a boner in my cheerios spanx? It's already getting too long to tuck!"
"I can refer you to a few specially padded underwear sites. And besides, you may not be able to participate in cheering for a while; any blunt force to your implants and it may result in a saline dri—"
"Ugh. It's whatever, I'm probably going to get kicked off when I grow a beard."
"Santana…it could have been worse. Your parents could have prematurely taken your decision away. You are getting a say in who you will become. Be happy that they didn't close you up and give you a football. I'll see you next month."
He handed her a set of papers, the yellow copy, and she huffed and stomped toward the lobby to meet her anxiously awaiting parents. She handed her father the papers, noting how he skimmed them and nodded, apparently understanding the loopy prescription writing, and folding them in his pocket. She walked to the car with the same pout she'd left Dr. Jennings with, arms crossed all too characteristically across her chest. She sat in the back seat, enjoying the silence of the car and thinking.
She thought back to what the doctor said. She could remember her parents telling her she was different when she was still being homeschooled. There was one desk propped up in her garage, her mother, Helen, at the front with her pointer, trying to explain to her the meaning of her anatomy.
"Boys have penises…Girls have?"
"Vaginas!" She thought eagerly. She knew that answer.
"Santana has…?"
"…Both."
"Santana is a?"
Quiet.
She didn't grasp it until later. Her and Brittany, her next door neighbor at the time, had played a game of 'Show me yours' in her bedroom. She saw hers, frowning her face up when the blonde ask to see in return, saying that she didn't want to show her because she wouldn't believe it. Miraculously, Britt still didn't know. Sure they'd ventured into homosexual activities, but Santana made sure she was always in control, always the aggressor, always initiating anything between them. Britt never minded or asked questions. The boys, she's dated, however were harder to fend off.
She'd made out with Noah Puckerman in eighth grade. It was the first time she'd ever felt an erection, and when she wouldn't touch it again, he'd said that he was going to tell everyone she was a prude and no one would be her friend. And she ventured into oral sex, pleasing both him and her reputation. She'd often tell guys they could tell everyone that they went all the way, and thwart off any unwanted activity. She as still a virgin, deciding to spread gossip since it usually spread faster than any absurd truths she'd been hiding. Her promiscuous nature and blatant flirtation usually repulsed most of her peers, but it effectively kept people prying too much into her life away. She didn't know how long she could hold on, though.
"Ana…"
"No, Daddy, I don't want to hear it. I'm tired of the run around. Why couldn't you just snip it off like any normal parents would do?"
"Santana," her mother interjected, "had we snipped anything you would have wound up a Santo Jr."
She wasn't laughing.
"Everyone's going to find out. I'm going to get hard during biology and people are going to wonder why my skirts standing up. "
"No one will know, Ana, it's high school. Stop being so overdramatic. And besides, the only people who know about your condition is Emma and Principle Figgins. They breach confidentiality and they lose their jobs. You'll be fine."
"I'm shocked you hid it from that coach of yours… that's an accomplishment in itself. She probably wouldn't be so hard on you if she knew."
"I don't mind someone treating me normally for a while, even if it's mean…"
She pouted the rest of the way home, wondering how she was going to get through her junior year. She didn't calm down until her father handed over his credit card and advised her to shop for new clothes.
A/N: All will be explained. Review!