Three- Second Summaries
I own nothing. I am not a multi-billionaire author of the only book to have ever outsold the bible in a given year. Alas, I can only make fun of it.
Without any further ado:
Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone
Harry:(sob) My parents are dead, my only living relatives are jerks and life is generally awful. Oh, and, I'm actually a famous wizard.
Voldemort/Quirrel:Mwahahahaha I'm going to take over the world!
Harry:Because I am pure of heart, I can pull a magic stone out of a mirror and save the world!
Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets
Harry:(sob) Something's hurting people, and people think it's me, and I keep hearing voices no one else can hear...
Voldemort/Riddle: Mwahahahaha I'm going to take over the world!
Harry:Because I am pure of heart, I can pull a magic sword out of a hat and save the world!
Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban
Harry:(sob) My best friends are fighting over a rat, there's an insane mass-murderer on the loose and I think he wants to kill me.
Trelawny:SOMETHING BAD WILL HAPPEN!
(Something bad happens)
Harry:Because I am pure of heart, I can conjure up a magic moose and save the mass-murderer, who actually isn't bad after all.
Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire
Harry:(sob) Someone put my name in a cup and now I might die in a stupid contest and my best mate doesn't believe me…
(Harry does a lot of scary stuff)
Voldemort:Mwahahahaha I'm going to take over the world!
Harry:Because I am pure of heart, I can force the bad dude's wand to do some stuff and make it away virtually unharmed!
Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
Harry:(sob) No one believes me even though I'm telling the truth, the DADA teacher is a hag and VOLDEMORT IS ON THE LOOSE!!
(The year goes by. Harry has a bunch of nightmares)
Voldemort:Mwahahahaha I'm going to take over the world!
Harry: Because I am pure of heart, Voldemort can't possess me!
Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince
Harry:(sob) My godfather is dead because I was stupid and people are dying all over the place! Oh, and by the way, did I mention that I'm the one who has to kill the big V in the end? At least I have this neat potions book to cheat with.
Hermione: What happened to being pure of heart?
Harry:Oh, the author decided that maybe I need to be a little more realistic so now I cheat, have desires to RIP DEAN'S BLOODY THROAT OUT and all the girls like me…
Voldemort:Mwahahahaha I'm going to take over the world!
Harry: Right, so now Voldemort's on the loose, the owner of the book I was cheating with turned out to be a murderer and I broke up with my girlfriend. Oh, and next year I'm cutting school because my favorite teacher died.
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows
Harry:(sob) People are dying everywhere, we're on the run, and life is generally awful. Oh, and wearing a bit of Vold—
Ron:Don't say the name!
Harry:--of You-Know-Who's soul doesn't help at all.
Voldemort:Mwahahahaha I'm going to take over the world!
Harry:Not if I can help it!
(The trio does a bunch of fun stuff)
Voldemort:Die, Harry Potter!
Harry:Okay.
Voldemort: Avada Kedavra!
Harry:Hm, I didn't die.Expelliarmus!
Voldemort:Adada Kedavra!
(Voldemort dies)
Everybody:Yay!!!!
A/N: If this offends you, I guess you don't have a good enough sense of humor to be able to laugh at yourself. And yes, I am perfectly aware that Harry's Patronous is a stag, not a moose. Call it 'Creative Liberties.'