Justin had a secret that he kept from everyone (not that that list was long), especially his boyfriend, Ethan. He had adopted an online persona and wrote romantic, and often smutty, stories about gay men falling in love. No one he knew would understand his reasons for doing so, and he wouldn't want them to understand. He didn't want anyone to know how unhappy he was. He couldn't even say it out loud. It was something buried deep in the darkest part of his heart. Why? Admitting it to himself out loud and to everyone else would mean that he'd have to leave Ethan, and he was too frightened to ever do that. After he'd come out, he'd lost everything. Everyone he'd cared about had effectively dismissed him. Every once in a while, he'd receive a call or an email from his mother or sister, but he could tell that they only bothered to keep in touch with him because they thought they should. The only person willing to stay in Justin's life on a regular basis was his boyfriend. His boyfriend was selfish, habitually cruel, and a mediocre lover at best. But Justin knew that Ethan wouldn't leave him; Ethan was not repulsed by him.

Sometimes, Justin thought that his boyfriend only kept him around because he took great care of him, making meals, doing the laundry, washing dishes, and bringing in more than half of their income. But he was not much better. He wasn't in love with Ethan and probably never had been. He was not even attracted to him anymore, not that he'd been very attracted to him in the first place. Justin had met Ethan when he was in a bad place, and they'd developed a relationship based on convenience and codependence. He wished he had the courage to leave. He thought about leaving all the time. But he just couldn't. Instead, he wrote about the love and passion he craved so much. So much that he fantasized about it all the time. Unfortunately, Justin's subconscious would not cooperate. He usually dreamed about reality, often waking up in tears (sometimes sobbing).

**********

Brian had developed a habit he'd never acknowledge out loud: reading gay romance stories online. They were written by amateurs, but many were quite good. Some were even brilliant. In particular, Brian enjoyed stories written by someone who called himself Buttercup. They were always stories about love overcoming all obstacles, usually love found in the unlikeliest of places. Who would ever believe that Brian-Fucking-Kinney, the stud of Liberty Avenue, would spend several nights a week indulging in fantasies about true love and destiny? No one who claimed to know him. They were unaware that, deep down, Brian craved love as much or more than most. He wanted to find his soul mate, but he never thought he would, and, if he did, he was sure he'd screw it up. He couldn't bring himself to believe that he was worthy of the kind of love he desired. But that didn't mean he didn't believe it existed, even though that's exactly what he told his friends and family when the subject arose.

Brian was a lurker. He'd read many, many stories, but he'd never left reviews. In his mind, doing so would make his habit real, and he was more than a little embarrassed. However, tonight was different. Tonight, he was so pleased with what he'd read that he just couldn't help it. Buttercup didn't allow people to leave reviews on his Web site. Instead, he directed readers to email him at . So Brian did just that. But he set up a special email account first. One using his screen name.

From:

To:

Date: Thu, June 12, 2003 at 4:54 am

Subject: Innocence

Buttercup,

I'm new to this. I've read all your stories, but I have never written a review. I'm not sure what possessed me to do so tonight. Okay, maybe I do. I guess I can identify with one of your main characters in "Innocence," Aidan. It's nice to see that, at least in your imagination, a person like Aidan, who has been kicked around his whole life and who walled off his emotions as a result, a man who has fucked more men than he can count, could find love, and not just love but true love (with a beautiful, passionate, and talented man, a man who is so innocent, everything Aidan is not). Please keep writing. I always wait impatiently for your next installment, your next story.

Just out of curiosity (tell me to fuck off if you want), why Buttercup? Are you blond? Did you always have a 'thing' for buttercup flowers as a kid? Or are you a Gilbert and Sullivan fan?

Enigma