This incarnation of The Boy Who Lived will be played by Harry James Potter played by Daniel Radcliffe played by Harry James Potter. In order to cut out the cries of "Potterception", we'll just ignore this bit for rudimentary reasons.
One fine spring day in the Dursley kitchen, a woman who greatly resembled a giraffe in a pink lace apron was in her usual mood: Eternal PMS, broken through by brief periods of manic worship for her tub of lard and the Rhino who occasionally told her to stop ironing his underwear.
"Boy," called the animal-like woman in her animalistic rage, going back into the kitchen for another glass of vodka. "Finish cooking the sausages! Boy?"
From out of the cupboard came a boy who looked incapable of fitting into the tiny space to begin with. Let me introduce to you, our audience: Dudley Dursley, of number 4 Privet Drive.
As his cousin, Harry, walked down the stairs, he flashed a faint grin at his unfortunate relation. Oh, the wonders of wand-less Imperius curses.
Harry entered the kitchen to his beloved aunt's vodka-scented embrace and a bit of of magic to keep her from having that strange reaction, he sat down at the table for breakfast.
And so begins another morning in the life of Harry Two.
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AN: Yes, I will be continuing my one-shot idea in short mini-chapters, of course. Some of these will be serious and others…not so much. Take this for example.
I don't believe you get in trouble for using Wandless magic, because in OotP, no one gives a damn about that Lumos Harry Uses when his wand escapes him.
Eh, I have to time to care for logic anymore.