A/N: It's been forever since I wrote for NCIS. Lots has happened, believe me! Anyways, this came from a song called "My Kind Of Love" by Emeli Sande. I don't know if people in the US have heard of her, but she's from Alford in Scotland, and she's an amazing singer! I can listen to her album for hours at a time and never get bored of it. Check her out, because she's brilliant!
Sarah x
I can't buy your love, don't even wanna try.
Sometimes the truth won't make you happy, so I'm not gonna lie.
But don't ever question if my heart beats only for you, it beats only for you.
He can't make them love him; he knows that. He'd like to see what would happen if he even tried it. Ziva would not be at all pleased, considering that she had been dealt that particular hand by her own father, and it did not go down very well when he, yet again, left her to the mercy of another's evil. So he won't even attempt to bribe them for their loyalty – it simply could never work.
He won't lie to them. At least, not directly. He loves them enough to answer any question with the truth of what he thinks on the subject, whether they like what they hear. He knows there are certain things they don't like to hear. Tony never likes hearing that he has crossed a boundary, but he is always told when he does. Abby never likes being told that she's too wound up and absorbed in a case, but it never stops him telling her. If he doesn't, who loves them enough to guide them away from recklessness and danger when they get close to taking a crazy risk or putting their state of mind or safety at risk?
He's sometimes harsh, but he wants them never to question his loyalty and love for them all. In a strange way, they're the only real constant in his life. McGee and his incessant computer jargon is almost compulsory when he's asked to do something technological. Ducky and his historical accounts and old stories are non-negotiable. And he knows, and he hopes they do, he would never trade what he has in them for anything.
I know I'm far from perfect, nothin' like your entourage.
I can't grant you any wishes, I won't promise you the stars.
But don't ever question if my heart beats only for you, it beats only for you.
He knows he's not got a clean slate, and he's nowhere even close to flawless, and he knows the way they work and live as a team and family is unmatched by any group of people he's ever come across. They know they have each other, even if they get sidetracked from time to time. And when they do get distracted by the other parts of their lives, and they forget about or fall out with each other, he'll always be there. If McGee and Abby have one of their occasional falling outs, he knows he'll comfort Abby and show McGee how to fix it. Their entourage is not quite perfect but it's more than he's ever really known since Shannon and Kelly died.
He wouldn't dare try and magic up an instant solution to their problems – both he and they know that's impossible – and he won't promise them anything but his loyalty and care, and he knows that they, all of them, are absolutely fine with that. They expect nothing more or less from him. He won't promise Ducky he'll change after years of nagging about his ways, means and relationship habits, because they both know that he's past the point of changing now. Promising that would be like promising to rid the world of all evil, and they both know it full well.
But, despite his flaws, he cares about them all, and he could never let them go. They're the only family, aside from his father, that he has left. Tony irritates him to no end, but what cocky eldest son doesn't annoy his father from time to time? Ziva confuses him with her outlook on relationships and her own life, but what father doesn't get befuddled by the eldest daughter's mindset, really?
Cause when you've given up,
When no matter what you do it's never good enough,
When you never thought that it could ever get this tough,
That's when you feel my kind of love.
When they're beat, and they feel like they do everything wrong, he's there. The time Abby was hunted by her psychopath ex-boyfriend, he was there protecting her. When Ziva almost was killed by a serial killer and proceeded in doubting her judgement, he was there, snapping her out of it. When McGee used to doubt himself, he was always there, teaching him how to trust himself. When they doubt themselves, and they're not sure they're doing the right thing, he makes sure they know where they're going.
When things are so horrible that they can't stand it anymore, he's their comfort. When Jenny died, he was there, always in the background as he was finishing what his Jenny started, but always there, pulling them together. He reassured Tony that he followed Jenny's orders, and it was not his fault she was dead. When Ducky's past had come to haunt him, he was there, keeping his best friend straight. Ziva's doubts about Eli and Ari and who she is, her whole box of horrors – her reassurance comes from something he says or does. When life is at it's worst, he is there to help out.
At these times, they truly need him. When things are this hard, they need his rough, ragged, raw kind of love. They need his iron will and the assurance that, whatever happens, they have him. Whether they're separated, arguing, in pain, grieving, injured...through anything, they know now that they have their leader.
And when you're crying out,
When you fall and then can't pick, you're heavy on the ground,
When the friends you thought you had haven't stuck around,
That's when you feel my kind of love.
When they're in tears and desperate to reach out for someone to rely on, they understand that his door is never locked for a reason. They know they can just walk in. They know they'll find him in his basement. They know there's a jar or bourbon or a bottle of beer waiting for them when they need someone to look after them.
When they stumble and they tumble hard to the ground, where everything seems so much larger and more intimidating, he'll be there, offering them a hand up. When Abby realised that she's been lied to most of her life, and she was adopted, he was there to help her up when the news knocked her for six. He was the one she went to for a hug. He doesn't say much, but he doesn't need to. All they need is for him to be there. A slap to the head for Tony makes him realise he has someone to guide him to the right path. A hand on the shoulder ensures Ducky that he's not alone. A simple look at McGee reminds him that his leader really does care. When they're flat on the ground, defeated, all they need is a simple gesture to get them on their feet again.
They all have friends outside of this unit, but they all realise that their greatest security is in those they work with every day. Ziva and Ray. Ray didn't stay to patch things up when he was discovered to have killed an innocent person; he hopped on a plane, with a rather pathetic last-ditch attempt to convince Ziva he is the same man she used to love. And when she went back to the car, she found him, waiting to comfort her with a light touch to the back of her neck. They're friends aren't always there for them, but he always will be.
And it's when they've been abandoned and the feel lonely that they need him to fall back on. It's then that they need to feel how much he loves them all.
You won't see me at the parties; I guess I'm just no fun.
I won't be turning up the radio singing "Baby You're The One".
But don't ever question if my heart beats only for you, it beats only for you.
He loathes going out; he doesn't go to the events held for fundraising or for awards, and no-one really expects him to anymore. It's a battle to get him to a small gathering of his team. Maybe he is boring, but that's the way they know and love him. They would all wonder why if he went to a party. He can just see the look on Abby's face if he willingly went to a Navy ball or fundraising event.
He doesn't make a spectacle of his love for them all. It's simple and quiet. No grand gestures, no shouting it from the rooftops. Just a simple, normal, family relationship. A Caf-Pow for Abby's troubles is more than enough to let her know she's valued. The mis-pronounciation of Ziva's name – Ziver – lets her know that she's still loved by someone to whom she is as good as a daughter. The occasional cup of coffee reminds McGee that his calmness and wisdom and intelligence is always much appreciated. They don't need him to make huge ridiculous gestures to see that they're his family. He indulges Ducky and listens to his stories so he knows he's a good friend. And Tony's head-slaps are seen as a sign of affection – if a person is not valued, they're not worthy of a slap, and Tony is well aware of that.
And he does these things on purpose; it reminds them all that, while he doesn't make a huge deal of it, they are everything to him. They are his family, and these tiny habits serve as a message that he would be lost if he could not be with them. That he doesn't want another team; he only wants them.
I know sometimes I get angry, and I say what I don't mean.
I know I keep my heart protected, far away from my sleeve.
But don't ever question if my heart beats only for you, it beats only for you.
He loses his temper on occasion, and he's said a few things he doesn't mean. Calling Tony an idiot means nothing. It's just irritation and exhaustion near the end of a gruelling case talking. He isn't perfect, and his fuse is short, but the insults don't mean much, if anything at all, and he hopes they know that. He knows he grows impatient with McGee when he's tired, and he can come across as quite mean, but he never really intends to offend him, and McGee has learned this and takes it with a pinch of salt.
He knows he keeps his feeling hidden, and it's only for fear of being hurt. Ziva and Ducky see this more than the others and leaves him alone, encouraging the others to do the same, if something isn't quite right about him. It's a defence mechanism he's grown accustomed to. It's the only real defence he has, and it's why he's so good at bluffing a suspect; he's virtually unreadable to them.
Despite his guardedness and his hard shell, though, his heart is there for them. He doesn't want them to doubt his loyalty to them because it will always be there, that will never change, but he just can't wear his heart on his sleeve. It's too dangerous.
Cause when you've given up,
When no matter what you do it's never good enough,
When you never thought that it could ever get this tough,
That's when you feel my kind of love.
When they're hurt or upset, when they're wondering why they do this job, he reminds them why they're there. When they doubt whether they're cut out for this, or whether they're strong enough to deal with what they experience, he reminds them that they don't have to be alone. That he's going to be there, no matter what. He knows McGee doubts his judgement, and Abby gets frustrated when she finds an obstacle she cannot get around. He is there to tell them they're good enough for this. More than good enough.
And when life gets unbearable, he pulls them together. When Kate was murdered, he was temporarily and unusually mild towards Tony and McGee, and it pulled them together when they were arguing. When the FBI turned up to investigate La Grenioulle's death, he lied for Jenny and pulled Ziva, McGee and Ducky together to prove Tony's innocence. When things are hard, he helps them realise what they have to do.
He gives them his own brand of love – the difference between right and wrong, the value of a family, the loyalty to them and their loyalty to each other. The sarcastic comments tell Tony that he cares enough to make the effort to wind him up, and that's the kind of love he gives his Senior Field Agent.
And when you're crying out,
When you fall and then can't pick, you're heavy on the ground,
When the friends you thought you had haven't stuck around,
That's when you feel my kind of love.
When they're falling apart at the seams, he puts them back together again. He makes sure they come out the other end in one piece. Ziva would not have made it through the consequences of her ordeal when Malachi turned up had Gibbs not sat down and explained that she couldn't ignore what happened, and that Eli had poisoned her, tainting who she is. Tony's father's reappearance had shocked the agent, and he had to be reminded that, whatever happened, wherever DiNozzo Senior disappeared to when he left, his leader was going nowhere. His presence is a kind of glue that helps them repair the damage done to them by other people.
Friends don't always wait around to help them up when they fall, but family does. When they fall flat on their faces, he takes some of the weight off them and that allows them to get back up and start fighting again. Most friends don't have that commitment, but family, real, tight family, always does. That commitment is always there. Abby knows she can talk to him about absolutely anything. Ducky knows his secrets are safe, that rumours won't be spread around the Navy Yard. How many friends can really be trusted over family?
That's part of what makes the team special. They're a good team for work, but they're also a family, even is they're slightly dysfunctional at times. But they're treasured by him. He doesn't say it very often but they are.
Cause when you've given up,
When no matter what you do it's never good enough,
When you never thought that it could ever get this tough,
That's when you feel my kind of love.
So they don't feel the need to be infallible for him because they know he doesn't expect that of them. The see that he only expects what they can give, and he doesn't expect them to fight through everything alone. That's why Ziva has learned that there isn't much point in putting her brave face on for him when someone she'd rather forget shows up. She now understands that she's allowed to give up sometimes, because he will fight for her instead. When Eli turned up in Washington and would not call Ziva by her name, when Ziva was not sure how to deal with her own father, he stuck up for, straight to Eli's face. He made Eli see that Ziva is not a weapon or a toy to be played with at his will.
They know, because of him, there is no such thing as being perfect. McGee has learned that even his leader's judgement is fallible, and it's nothing to be ashamed of. He's been taught that mistakes are human, and are there's nothing wrong with screwing up if you learn something from it. Abby is still driven but she has realised that, as much as she strives for perfection, it's simply not possible. She knows what she can do and what she can't, and that not being able to be or do something in particular is not a failure; it's normal.
They all have their rough times. They all have the experiences that make them want to dig a hole and hide there forever. Tony's been accused of murder more than once, and each time, he was proven innocent by his family, while the leader reassured him that he knew there was no way he could have done what others insist he did. Ducky's battle to try and talk sense, or even find the reason for the issue she took with this particular arms dealer, into Jenny when she started becoming obsessed with catching La Grenioulle was not one he lost alone. He was aided by his best friend the whole time, and always Gibbs was behind him when he came to the conclusion that their Director was perhaps not in a brilliant state of mind.
He doesn't say it very often, but he shows them every day that he loves them. And they know better than to doubt it now. They're tight-knit and reliant on each other, but on their boss even more so. After all, who else do they have?
Hope it's alright!
Please feel free to review and tell me what you think!
Sarah x