Sango caught Sesshoumaru's eye only once as they all stood around the spot where the bone eater's well used to be. She quickly turned away before she could register his reaction and only looked forward. Yet she could almost feel his presence and that of Rin's.
She tried to pushed aside the memory of what had happened in Naraku's body but it kept coming forward, she leaned a bit closer to Miroku, as if his presence would send them away but they only made it worse. He squeezed her hand tightly, probably in reassurance that Inuyasha and Kagome were all right, and she didn't give any indication that it was anything else.
I was going to kill Rin, she thought, although it still felt unreal. She looked up to where Sesshoumaru had been, this time hoping for maybe a sign that he would react. EmLike he will kill you here in front of all these people,/em she thought.
But he was already walking away, and his back was turned to her, and so she turned uneasily back again to that empty spot, and wondered just what would happen next.
They didn't waste any time at all once they were alone. As soon as the door were shut and the windows covered from peeping villagers, Miroku wrapped his arms around Sango and she returned the favor. She felt him bury his face into her neck and she closed her eyes and let everything else fall away. Thoughts of Rin, and Sesshoumaru, and Naraku and the guilt and the doubts and even the fates of Inuyasha and Kagome disappeared into nothing but relief and joy at being in Miroku's arms.
Kohaku was safe, Miroku was safe, and Sango realized that to her nothing else mattered but those two thoughts. And once they tumbled onto the floor it didn't take long for Sango not to think of anything at all.
Later when they were done and they were both content, the thoughts returned to her, and the guilt and the pain returned almost twofold. They became so immediate in light of what they had done that when she felt Miroku scoot up behind her and wrap an arm around her that she noticeably flinched at his touch.
She prayed for a moment that he wouldn't noticed.
"Sango? What's wrong?" He took his arm off of her.
Damn it.
"Nothing," she said, trying her best to sound confident and reassuring.
When she felt him sit up and the accompanying gaze she knew she had failed. She didn't quite want to get it out. It was awful, she thought, he would laugh at her. Or worse he would hate her.
"I am a horrible person," she said and didn't look up.
"What?" he asked, and by the tone of his voice she could tell that that wasn't what he had been expecting.
"I'm a horrible person," she said again.
"Why would you think that?" he asked, and she finally chose to sit up and faced him.
"I almost…no wait…I was going to kill Rin!" she said, and it was at that moment that words really struck her, and the weight of that almost seemed to crush her.
Miroku looked confused; they hadn't yet talked about what had gone on in Naraku's body and there had been no time from since they had gotten back with the disappearance of the well and the worry over their friends.
"How…wait, what?" he asked.
She cleared her throat, she knew this would only come out once. It was now or never.
"In Naraku's body, I was going to throw hiraikotsu right at her and Naraku," she said.
"Why?"
"Because I thought it would save you! I thought it was the only way," she said.
"Sango, that isn't your fault, we were all tricked in some way. I was almost convinced to commit outright suicide or not. I think one would have to be not human to not have been affected by Naraku's lies," he said, "and why did you think Naraku showed you how my father died, anyone would be frantic over that."
"I know that," Sango said, and looked down, "but that isn't all of it. The worst part is that I think if I were to do it over again, I think I would still do it. I would still do it. I would still kill Rin if meant I could save you."
She didn't look up, she didn't want to acknowledge the horror that must be on his face, she knew that would be how she would feel had she been in his place. Now that he knew she was this weak, this cowardly, this selfish, surely he would turn away.
Instead she felt him wrap his arms around her and pulls her close, she lets out a small gasp in surprise.
"You are a good person, Sango," he said into her ear.
She tried to pull away for a moment but he refused to let go.
"But…"
"I know this," he said, "because you only think you would do the same thing. But had it been me, and if I had to kill Rin to get to you, I know I would do it."
She was silent. He pulled away and looked at her.
"You have made me a selfish man, Sango," he said and she couldn't help but snort at that. She had never really pegged him as selfless ever.
"You may think I am lying," he said, "but I never used to care about anyone or let myself want anything. It is kind of hard to when you have a sure death sentence over your head."
"But what about asking all those women to bear your children," she asked.
"I don't know that I was ever serious," he said, "besides back then, having a child was more about continuing the fight to end the Kazaana than it was about me actually wanting them. I knew that it would just be painful to want things I could never have. If I had had a child I would not have known them."
Sango could say nothing.
"So I never really let myself want things for myself, not seriously, and not deeply," he said, "before I joined Inuyasha and the others I never really believed that I was ever going to find Naraku. So when I joined them I saw a possibility for it to end. And then you came and I suddenly wanted so much more than just the curse to end."
"Houshi-sama," she said but cannot think of anything else to say.
"So you see, I would be selfish and I would sacrifice everything else for you," he said, "I know that this probably makes me a horrible person in your eyes, but quite frankly I don't care. Because honestly, there isn't a life for me without you. So you see, you are a good person, because you can look back and only think you would have done the same thing. I know I would."
And it was at that point that Sango pulled him closer and hugged him. Suddenly seeing the whole thing clearly. They were such idiots.
"I don't think you would," she said, "I guess we will never know."
He grips her tightly and press his lips to her bare shoulder.
"No we won't."
"I told Sesshoumaru that he could do with me what he would like as punishment," she said.
"If you think I am going to let…"
"I don't think he is going to," she said, "I don't think Rin would let him. I think if nothing else she has forgiven me."
"Then don't worry," he said and this time placed a kiss to her brow, and she found herself finding comfort in his attentions to her.
"Now," he said, "I can't fall asleep, shall we go again."
"Houshi-sama…no, Miroku," she said, and the slight thrill of saying his name and his smile in response was enough that any objection she had was wiped away, and when he gently wrapped his arms around her again she pressed her lips to his cheeks and succumbed to the feelings of his skin against her and as they made love again and again into the night, the only thing she could do was repeat his name again and again.
And this time when they were done and exhaustion had finally come over them, she gladly let him wrap his arm around her waist and she soon fell into a sleep free of the doubts and the worry and the fear. And for the first time in a long while, Sango finally felt whole.