The Surprise

Bib Fortuna averted his orange eyes as a bloated hand lifted a disgusting morsel and pushed it into a vile maw. The pallid majordomo was by no means squeamish, he had stained his elegant hands with blood more than once. It was not the action, it was the being himself that disgusted him. Of all the many breeds of life in the galaxy, there was nothing so debased and hideous as a Hutt. Especially this hutt. Jabba the Hutt had less grace and etiquette than the Rancor, in feeding, in business, in every vile breath. His very existence was stomach-churning to the fastidious Twi'lek. Once again Bib Fortuna debated the risks of killing his master, surely a thousand years digestion within the belly of the Sarlacc would be better than an hour with this hateful, bloated maggot. He had served Jabba for decades, he had been by Jabba's side when Emperor Palpatine was an unknown senator from a backwater world and probably before the infamous Darth Vader had even been born. Closeness makes the hatred grow stronger... And he hated Jabba the Hutt with a passion beyond the possibility of mere words to convey. One day he would kill Jabba, and take control of his empire. He would bring order to the chaotic, filthy cesspool that Jabba had built. One glorious day... Bib examined his slender, elegant hands, admired his long, pointed nails.

"Oh ho ho..." Jabba's laughter thundered throughout the palace, spittle flying from his filthy maw. "Bib Fortuna." "Yes, Mighty Jabba?" Bib was immediately at the Hutt's side, the zealous majordomo, implacably polite, implacably hateful, "What do you desire?" Jabba squinted his yellow-green eyes thoughtfully, "I desire everything." Salacious Crumb, that vile little beast, cackled loudly, his shrill tones offsetting the Hutt's massive bass, "But, that is for later. The band, the dancers, the foods and spices and liquors... Nothing!" A meaty fist pounded on the armrest of his dais-throne, "I'm bored, Bib. All of this..." He waved his hand over his disgusting court, "Is dull. I need something new, something... interesting." The Hutt was jaded, his ennui so great that only the most perverse or violent of entertainment could hold his attention.

Bib Fortuna was terrified, when the Hutt was bored, anyone could be sacrificed for his entertainment, even his 'loyal' majordomo. If he could not devise an idea to entertain the Hutt, he would surely become the entertainment. He thought quickly, he was brilliant, smarter than Jabba himself, surely he could think of some petty amusement. Think like a Hutt, he told himself, even as he shuddered at the very idea. His eyes quickly scanned the audience chamber, looking for some inspiration among the twisted courtiers; There was Tessek, the treacherous Quarren accountant. The tentacled being came from the watery world of Dac, water would be a novelty to the Hutt, living on arid Tatooine, but he needed entertainment now, and couldn't wait for a trip to some water world. Jabba might appreciate the pleasure of staking the traitorous amphibian out in the desert and watching him die, but that would take too long. Perhaps he could throw that filthy Salacious Crumb to the Rancor, everyone in palace except Jabba hated the obnoxious little beast. The debased courtiers gathered around the Hutt's dais in anticipation of a new revery.

"I'm waiting, Bib." Jabba didn't like to wait, he was the center of his own universe, when he wanted something, he had it, now. Something new and interesting, something the Hutt would appreciate. This was Salacious Crumb's job, Bib Fortuna was majordomo, not court jester!

Then, he hit upon an idea. The perfect idea. New, novel, unexpected... Bib leaned forward, as if to whisper a secret into the foul beast's ear. "I have a wonderful idea, my lord." Jabba's eyes widened in gluttonous anticipation. "Well, what is it! Talk, you fool!"

In one swift movement Bib pulled his holdout blaster from his heavy robes and fired three shots into the Hutt's right eye, "Surprise, you bloated leech."

Bib Fortuna sat back and relaxed as lovely females massaged his shoulders and lekku. After throwing Jabba's bloated remains, (Along with that wretched Salacious Crumb), to the Rancor, he had the guards, his guards, now, execute or drive off the less than trustworthy members of the court, which was the vast majority of them. He could not afford to make Jabba's mistake and surround himself with spies and cutthroats, he was master of the palace now, and he decided who was welcome. Bib lifted a Corellian crystal chalice, filled with fine Rodian wine, to Jabba's memory.

The End

Notes:

I wrote this because someone had to write a Bib Fortuna story.

Jabba was mainly greasy blubber, but the addictive spices he had smoked continually over the centuries had marinated him quite well, giving the rancor a tasty meal as well as making him very... Content for a while.

Given that the Rancor pit was so smelly and filthy, and Bib preferred cleaner methods of execution, he simply gave him to Malakili, (The Rancor Keeper), to appear generous and benevolent. A happy ending for everyone! Except Jabba, and Salacious Crumb, and Tessek, and...

Bib Fortuna thinks he's more brilliant than Jabba, that doesn't make it true...

Lekku are the 'head-tails' or tentacles that grow from a Twi'lek's head, Nautolans and several other races also possess them.

Tessek is also known as Squid-Head.

All characters copyright Lucasfilm LTD