HOLA MY PEOPLE!
How've y'all been! I've been good. I finally ditched my boyfriend and I feel SO free it's crazy. Don't get me wrong, I'm a lil sad, but I'm thinking it's for the best.
ANYHOO, this is a lil one shot I came up with after listening to Avril Lavigne's new album on a loop for a couple hours. I actually had the basic idea from an old fic I'd written a couple years ago, but blended it with some new ideas and the song.
Hope you love it!
mystrymoviebrunette
When You're Gone
I lay awake in my bed, dreading the day that's inching closer with every tick of the clock.
I don't want to, I don't want to leave. And I certainly don't want to face Voldemort. Who would, really? I mean, of course I want to save the world and all that, but I'm terrified.
I try to focus on the sound of the crashing waves out my open window. The sound always calms me, which is why I love coming to Alex's grandmother's house. Her grandmother always puts me in the guest room nearest to the cliff, especially so I can hear the waves better.
Alex… god, she's never going to know, is she? I am leaving in the morning, first thing, and I still haven't told her. I should've told her at graduation, it was the perfect time… everyone was so happy and there would've been three months to spend together, as more than friends.
I love her. More than the sun or the stars or anything. I love her eyes and her hair and her smile and… everything. I would do anything for her.
I can't tell her just as I'm about to leave in the morning. How would that be? 'Oh bye, Alex, but just so you know, I'm completely in love with you.' Yeah, that would go over great…
I need more time. Don't we all?
I climb out of bed and stalk quietly towards the door. I turn the knob as slowly as possible, so it doesn't make a sound. I sneak down the hallway, to Alex's door, and open it, tiptoeing to Alex's bed.
"Alex," I say, poking her. "Alex, wake up."
"Harry, what is it?" she asks, checking her watch as she yawned widely. "It's 2:00 am."
"You said you'd teach me how to dance," I respond, letting a soft smile creep onto my face. "Tonight, when you asked me to dance at the fandango. You said you'd teach me to dance."
She giggles softly, rubbing her eye.
"Okay, okay," she says, smiling and sitting up. "Just give me a second."
She swings her legs out of bed and takes a few seconds to yawn and let herself wake up.
"Let me get dressed, won't you?" she laughs, looking at me.
"I'm not stopping you," I say, smirking.
"Oh ha ha," she says sarcastically, punching me in the arm, hard.
"Ouch!" I yelp, laughing and rubbing my arm.
"Oh, you're laughing, huh?" she asks me, smiling in spite of herself. "I guess I didn't punch you hard enough."
"Okay, okay, I'm going!" I whisper-shout, leaving the room.
She emerges from the room ten minutes later. She's pulled her hair into two long braids, and is wearing a fitted t-shirt and a pair of cheer shorts, and looks like a supermodel without even trying. She has her wand tucked into the waistband of her shorts and a radio tucked under her arm.
"Follow me," she says, grinning in a way that's inexplicably sexy and innocent at the same time.
She leads me outside, through the yard and past the newly refurbished guest suite, down the rocky staircase cut into the cliff. We reach the sand pit and light the campfire. Alex takes the radio and puts it in the sand near the fire. She kneels down and begins scanning the stations before settling on a rock ballad with a killer piano line. It's not the tradition slow dance song, but it's Alex.
I always needed time on my own
I never thought I'd need you there when I cry
And the days feel like years when I'm alone
And the bed where you lie is made up on your side
My heart is racing and my palms are sweating like mad. I suddenly sprout a slightly nervous feeling at the pit of my stomach and a rather large, painful lump in the back of my throat. I'm rooted to the spot, caught between the urge to say and do the right thing and the urge to run away screaming like a baby.
She stands back up and looks at me, her bangs fluttering a bit in the light, warm breeze. The golden glow of the fire lights up her face, setting her golden eyes ablaze. She takes three slow, deliberate steps towards me, the most adorable grin on her face.
When you walk away
I count the steps that you take
Do you see how much I need you right now?
"Okay first, put your hands," she explains, grabbing my right hand and placing it at her waist, "on my waist," she puts my other hand on the other side of her waist. "Now I place my hands around your shoulders. And then," she says slowly, like the instructions are going to be extremely difficult, "you sway back and forth, alternating weight from one foot to the other."
"Oh wow, so difficult," I say sarcastically, trying desperately to act like I'm not as nervous as I am. She giggles, wearing that adorable smile of hers.
"That's why I said everyone can dance," she tells me. "Slow dancing is pretty straightforward."
How can she be so damn calm about this? I'm sweating and nervous and my throat is dry as a bone. I can barely form a decent sentence or breath, and yet there she is just as cool and calm as can be.
When you're gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
When you're gone
The face I came to know is missing too
The words I need to hear to always get me through the day
And make it okay
I miss you
"It's uh, nice out tonight," I say stupidly. Stupid, stupid, stupid. You never mention the bloody weather.
"It is," she says, nodding. "It's beautiful."
You're beautiful, I think to myself.
We remain in silence for what seems like an eternity. I'm growing more and more nervous by the second.
I've never felt this way before
Everything that I do reminds me of you
And the clothes you left, they lie on the floor
And they smell just like you, I love the things that you do
"Okay," Alex says, breaking the silence rather abruptly. She looks me in the eye and her eyes are trembling. "There's… phew," she says, looking very skittish and trying to catch her breath, "there's something I need to say."
"Tell me," I say softly. She looks in my eyes for a few moments, like she's trying to figure out if she should.
"I know that we're friends," she starts, apparently deeming me capable of hearing what she has to say. "You are the best friend I have in the entire world, and what we already have means more than you will ever know." She looks down, towards the ground and sniffed. "I don't want to ruin our friendship, because it's the best thing that has ever happened to me."
When you walk away, I count the steps you take
Do you see how much I need you right now?
"But I can't keep living this lie, Harry," she says, her voice sounding constricted and tight. Her eyes look dangerously close to tears. "As much as I want to preserve the relationship we have, this is killing me. I'm sorry if this means that we can never be friends again, but have to tell you."
"Tell me what?" I ask her gently, as a single tear rolls down her cheek.
"That I love you!" she sobs, looking terrified.
We were made for each other
Out here forever
I know we were
All I ever wanted was for you to know
Everything I'd do, I'd give my heart and soul
I can hardly breathe, I need to feel you here with me
It's a shock to the system, to say the least. I've loved her forever, and always suspected she might've felt the same, but hearing it… watching her say it… it's mind-blowing. I can scarcely believe it's real, any of this.
"Oh my god," she says, stepping away from me and looking horrified about what she just said. She places her hand on her forehead, and looks at me. Her eyes are so scared, so concerned. "I'm so sorry. Oh god…"
She turns around and makes a beeline for the stairs, but I run and catch her before she makes it more than a few feet.
"Let me go!" she cries, pushing me away. "Harry, let go of me!"
"Alex, stop!" I say, looking her right in the eye. "Stop fighting me!"
She just stares at me, heaving heavy sobs. She looks like she's so scared. What is she so afraid of?
Without warning, Alex leans into me, resting her hands against my chest. I wrap my arms around her tightly, bringing her body as close to mine as I can. There's something about holding the one you love the most; you hold them so tightly to bring them as close as you can, but it still feels like you want them closer. The way I see it, when you love someone this much, you don't just want to be close: you want them to engulf you, to surround you, consuming your whole being until all you feel and see is them.
"What are you so afraid of?" I ask her, softly whispering in her ear.
"You," she whispers.
"Why me?" I ask, looking her in the eye.
"Because I love you and you're leaving," she tells me, twisting up her face to keep from crying.
"I have to go, Lex," I tell her gently. "I don't want to, but I have to."
"That doesn't mean I like it any better," she says, no longer looking scared but sad.
I know what she means. I keep telling myself, you have to go, you know you have to, but it doesn't do any good. I still don't want to. I reach my hand up and rest it on her cheek, trying to offer any comfort I can to her.
"I love you," I whisper. "I always have."
When you're gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
When you're gone
The face I came to know is missing too
When you're gone
The words I need to hear to always get me through the day and make it okay
I miss you
She looks at me, no longer sad or scared. Just surprised.
"Don't say that if you don't mean it," she says, 'scared' making a quick comeback.
I lean in and kiss her, deep and sweet. And instantly, I feel like the whole world's erupted in fireworks and celebration. Everything feels bright and loud and overwhelming, and it somehow all feels alright. Because that's what Alex does to me: she lights my whole world on fire.
Before I want the moment to end, Alex pulls away.
"What am I going to do if you don't come back?!" she asks me, her voice raised and harsh, her eyes filled with sadness and agony. She pushes me in the chest hard, but nothing painful. "Huh?! How do you expect me to go on without you?! Answer me!"
"I hate going, Lex!" I shout, only raising my voice to be heard over her sobs. "But I have to! There are all kinds of things that we wish we didn't have to do, but we do them anyway! I'm doing this because the whole world is counting on me! Hermione, Ron, Ginny, Dom are counting on me! You're counting on me! I have to do this because of you! Because if we run off, he'll find us! I don't want to be looking over my shoulder my whole life, worried who or what Voldemort is destroying, trying to find us! We will never have a chance for a life together until he is gone!"
She nods, her sobs quieting.
"I can't promise I'll live through this," I tell her softly, brushing her bangs from her eyes. "But I promise I love you and I'll do everything I can to make sure I come back."
"I know," she says, wiping her eyes hastily. "I know."
"Don't cry," I say, wiping the tears off her cheek with a smile on my face.
"I can't help it," she says, sniffing and forcing a grin. "So you're definitely leaving tomorrow?"
"Yes," I say sadly. She nods.
"Well, we should go," she says, pulling her wand out of her waistband and muttering a quick incantation to put out the fire. She grabs the radio and starts walking slowly back towards the stairs. I follow behind her, up the stairs and into the house.
"Harry," she says in barely more than a whisper, as I'm about the enter my room. I turn around.
"I understand," Alex says calmly, no tears threatening to come. "As long as I've known you, I knew you were going to do this. And I knew that you wanted to. I know you wouldn't want to live in hiding. I know. I just want you to know that I love you. More than I ever thought I could love anyone or anything. And I'll never stop. Not ever. Not even if you don't come back. There will never be another."
She pauses for a moment, presumably to let it sink it, then walks up and kisses me slowly and softly. The kind of kiss you give someone when there's all the time in the world. And even though there isn't, she makes it feel like there is.
"Good night, Harry," she says, turning around.
I grab her hand, keeping her here. She looks back at me, wondering what I'm doing.
"Spend the last hours with me?" I say. Alex smiles, the first truly happy smile I've seen on her the whole night. She understands. She knows what it is, and what it isn't. She knows.
"Of course," she says, her eyes bright and hopeful.
She steps into my room, and I follow directly behind her, closing the door behind me. The two of us crawl into bed and lay facing each other.
For a moment we only look at each other, memorizing every line and angle of each other's face for when we we'll be apart.
After a few more moments, she heaves a huge yawn.
"Go to sleep," I whisper.
"No," she says, shaking her head. "I don't want to."
"You're tired," I tell her.
"You're leaving."
"I know."
She looks at me sadly.
"I'll miss you."
"I'll miss you too."
She kisses me again, the same way she did before. Maybe it's a sign, how it makes me feel like we have all the time in the world. Maybe it means we really do.
Or maybe it doesn't.
Either way, it doesn't really matter. This night is all the time I could have asked for. And maybe feeling like there's an endless amount of time is more important than actually having it.
"I love you," I say, pulling her close to me. "I always have."
"I love you," Alex says, snuggling up to me. "I'll never stop."
Aw... touching, eh?
Okay people, you know the drill. REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW!
big smile You know you love me...
mmb