"Please don't do this to me. I don't know how I can survive without you by my side. I know that I messed up. I know I should have told you how I was feeling. Please don't give up on us; we went through hell and back before and I know we can make it again. Just don't give up." I pleaded with him to understand that this would pass and that we could get back to how we were.
"I don't know how it'll get any better when all you seem to care about is whatever nonsense is running through your head. You don't talk to me – really talk to me – for weeks and you think one conversation is going to make me change my mind? I tried so hard to bring you out of the hole that you crawled into, but did you appreciate the effort I was putting in?" His face was twisted in a hurt scowl as he finally got the words off his chest.
"No, of course not. You were so blinded by the hurt that you felt, you didn't pay attention to how I was feeling. And you know, I honestly understand that you needed some time, but enough is enough. I just can't do it anymore. I'm sorry, Bella. I really am." Edward's strides were steady as he turned away from me without another word.
I messed up. I knew it. I let the one bright spot in my life go because I couldn't see past my own broken heart. Losing a child is extremely difficult, but not just for the mother – and that's what I hadn't seemed to realize.
Burying Carmen was the hardest thing I ever did, and I now know it was just as hard for Edward. Carmen Elizabeth Cullen was our little girl. She had Edward's eyes – the brightest most vibrant green you could ever imagine seeing, and my chocolate brown hair, which contained streaks of red that only shown in the sunlight. To say she was beautiful would have been a gross understatement.
Carmen would be turning six next month, August twenty-seventh. We would have had her party at the lake where she told us she wanted. We could never tell her no, and she knew it. She had us both wrapped snugly around her little finger.
I crawled up the stairs to our bedroom and lay on our bed. I drifted to sleep thinking about what happened; the events that led Edward and I where we are now, for him to have left me.
Two months ago, tragedy struck our little family. Edward and I left Carmen with a babysitter while we went to the luncheon his company was holding. We didn't think there would be anything for her to do, and we didn't want her to be bored for no reason. I regret that decision now. Something inside of me had felt off throughout the first half of the meeting, but I couldn't place it. My phone started ringing when the food was brought to us, and I excused myself to answer. I was surprised to see Angela's number on the caller ID, she'd never called before while we were at one of these business events. My chest began to feel heavy as I answered.
"Bella, I'm so sorry. I had to go to the bathroom and she was supposed to be eating her lunch. I don't know what happened." Angela's sobs tore through the phone. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Please forgive me. I never thought anything would happen. I swear I was only in the bathroom for a second. I'm sorry."
"What are you talking about? Angela, stop crying and tell me what the hell is going on. Why are you crying? What are you talking about? What do you mean you never thought anything would happen?" My voice quivered and my heart felt like lead in my chest. This had to be about Carmen. "Angela what the fuck happened to my baby?"
"I'm sorry. You and Edward need to come to the hospital now. I'll explain what I can then. I'm really sorry though." Angela's frantic voice cut off symbolizing she'd hung up on me. When I tried to call her back for answers, she wouldn't answer her phone.
I rushed into the dining hall, got Edward's attention, and motioned him over to me. He must have seen the absolute horror written on my face because he stopped by Mr. Cullen's table to tell him we had to leave early. He explained how sorry we were, but that something important had come up and rushed over to me.
"We need to go to the hospital. Angela called. I don't know what's going on but she was crying so I just know something bad has happened. She won't even answer me now." The words spilled from my lips as soon as he was close enough to hear me. The pain that was written on his face hurt me to see. We ran to the car and were on our way. Within ten minutes, we had arrived at the hospital. We parked the car and took off for the emergency room.
"Guys, over here. I'm really sorry, I can't say it enough. I don't even know what happened." She started crying even harder stumbling through her words to finish. "I just went to the bathroom. I wasn't even gone for ten minutes. I'm sorry."
A man in blue light blue scrubs came through the door and scanned the room. He saw Angela and made his way over to us.
"Are you Carmen's parents?" the man asked.
"Yes, I am Carmen's mother, Bella. This is her father, Edward. What's going on? Why are we here? Can you please tell us something? Anything?" I rushed to answer his question, praying he would answer mine.
"I'm sorry; there was nothing that we could do."
"What the fuck do you mean there was nothing you could do? What happened? I don't understand." Edward spoke up; he was the voice for the frustration we were feeling.
"Carmen seems to have had a generalized tonic-clonic seizure. She asphyxiated on a grape she was eating at the time of her seizure. I really am sorry Mr. and Mrs. Masen, there was just nothing we could do. She passed before the EMTs even got to her." The doctor's face wore genuine remorse and his tone was as gentle as could be expected.
I awoke from the nightmare, which plagued me the nights I actually happened to find sleep. No one blamed me for the months of reclusive behavior, and if they did, they never called me on it, not until today that is. I thought that I couldn't get any lower, but that was before Edward walked out the door earlier. Now I am alone, in every sense of the word. I have no child to play dress up with and no husband to make dinner for; no, I am completely on my own.
I knew that Carmen wouldn't want me to constantly mope around, but it was difficult to let something like that go. My guilt ate away at me most days; sometimes to the point of doing nothing but weeping and beating myself up about not being home, not knowing she had epilepsy, and not going home when my gut told me something wasn't right.
The doctors explained to us that it was possible for a child to develop epilepsy, even when neither parent had the disease. The chances are more common than one would think, he had said. One child in a hundred will develop epilepsy, even when both parents are free from the affliction. However, no matter how much I had educated myself about it after she passed on, no matter how many times Dr. Snow told me that there wouldn't have been anyway to know, none of it helped with my feelings of guilt.
I had to do something to get rid of it though. Slowly this guilt would have taken everything from me and it still wouldn't bring my princess back. I vowed that I would get better, no matter what.
It was Carmen's birthday and I had told myself that I would be strong. My angel deserved to see that I could make it. To celebrate her birthday, I decided that I would go to the lake where she wanted to have her party. I would celebrate the time that she was alive and I would remember all the moments we had in this place. I thought it was the perfect idea, and maybe it would have brought me closer to her on her special day. It just felt right.
As I stood on the bank of Crescent Lake's East Beach, I enjoyed the beautiful day and thought of the good times Carmen, Edward and I had there. The picnics we had, even with no real reason, the holidays we spent, and the numerous birthday parties thrown over the years between Edward and our angel.
I was so lost in my memories I hadn't even noticed that someone had come and stood right next to me until they tapped my shoulder. I'm sure the shock was apparent on my face when I finally looked over and saw no other than Edward. We had talked only twice since the night that caused me to reevaluate the life I was living. Both times were short and I remember thinking he was just calling to make sure I wasn't dead. I still appreciated being able to hear his voice for those few minutes when he called though.
"How are you doing, Bella? You look really good," Edward said, breaking the ice.
"I'm actually doing pretty good, considering. You always look good. Oh my God. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to say that. Not that it isn't true, but, God, I should just shut up," I blurted out. My face turned a bright cherry color as I tried to hide it from him. I heard him chuckle quietly before he spoke again.
"Bella, you don't have to shut up. I know that when you are nervous you tend to ramble. The question is, why are you nervous. I'm not going to bite you. We are adults who were married for ten years; I should hope you still think I look good. I know I never thought you looked anything but spectacular. I was just commenting on how different you look now compared to the last time I saw you." The look that came over his face showed me a vulnerability that I hadn't seen in so long. I missed it as soon as his mask fell back into place.
"I've been trying to get my old self back. After you left, I was crushed. I crawled up the stairs and slept for a day and a half. When I finally woke up, I realized that you were completely right. I was in a rut and it took you leaving to open my eyes. I started going to counseling. Still, there wasn't a day that I didn't wish I had you by my side, especially when things were just starting out and the days were rough. I realize now that I was taking advantage of you.
"You were going through everything I was, and yet you still put up with me and my bullshit. Hell, you tried to make me feel better and all I did was shut you out and try to make you feel as bad as I did. I'm sorry, hunny I really am. I've been really worried about you. How have you been, Edward? How have you really been?" I asked him, genuinely worried about the man that I love more than anything, except our daughter.
"I have been surviving, just barely, but still, surviving. I'm so happy to hear that you have been getting better. Bella, sweetie, I miss you so much. You have no idea how hard it was to walk out that day, and how hard it was for me to call only twice since then. I just felt that you needed it. I wish everything could go back to the way it was. I still love you just as much as I always have, I just couldn't live with the zombie that had taken your place." The words he spoke came through with such sincerity. I hadn't heard him like that since before Carmen died, and it broke my heart all over again.
"I'm sorry that you had to put up with that Edward. I know that couldn't have been easy to deal with, I know that if the tables had been turned, I would have been completely lost. I love you so much." I needed him to know that my love for him never left me.
"I know, Bella. It was very hard to deal with, but you seem like you've started going back to the way you were before everything happened. I can only pray that you don't regress. I want to start spending time with you again. I'm scared though. I don't know if I could see you the way you used to be, if you know what I mean. I love you too much to see it again. It hurt me too much and it felt like I was losing both of you, not just her." Tears started forming in his eyes as he remembered what he had gone through.
I vowed then that I wouldn't hurt him like that again, no matter what else happened over time. Never again would I see tears in his eyes because of something I did or didn't do. I knew that it would be a long road, but I was willing to do anything as long as I could have him in my life again.
Every week for two months after Carmen's sixth birthday, we met at the lake. We talked about where things went wrong, why I wasn't comfortable opening up and letting him in, and how things would change if he moved back in. It was a long, trying journey to get to the point we once were and it will be even more difficult keeping it that way, but as I saw it, it would all be worth it in the end.
I am so thankful that I went to Lake Crescent that day. It felt like I was carried there on an angel's wings to make things right in my life again. Edward has since told me he felt the same urging that I felt to celebrate her birthday there. We both believe she helped us to come back together. After all, she always knew we couldn't say no to her, we never could.
Carmen's Birthday Three Years Later
We sat on the shore of Lake Crescent celebrating Carmen's ninth birthday with our newest addition, Stefan Charles Cullen. It was our first trip to the lake since he was born in February and it was bittersweet to say the least. It was incredible to see Stefan so happy in the same place Carmen loved so much, but it had hurt because she wasn't there to celebrate with us.
"Babe, what's wrong? Why do you look so sad?" Concern covered Edward's face when he had looked at me.
"Nothing, hun. Just miss Carmen and being here with Stefan is bringing back memories. It's just hard. I'm sorry." I hadn't wanted him to worry, especially when we were having such a good day.
"I know, but you know she would have been so happy if she were here. I'm sure she is looking down from above, so happy that we still come here to celebrate her day. This lake has seen our ups, our downs, and everything in between; let's make sure it sees more of the good times, okay, hun? Don't think about her with sadness; think about the happy angel she always was," he said as he hugged me tightly. "Everything's going to be alright. Don't worry."
Every year we went to Lake Crescent for Carmen's birthday. Every year it felt like she was sitting there with us celebrating, just the same as she would've been had she been alive. Lake Crescent became a sanctuary when I needed to think, a spot to celebrate when there was something good happening in our lives, and a place to come and sit when we needed to feel an angel's wings embrace us. The lake was a magical place for us. It always had been and it always would be.