My name is Tempura Dinner-Photo, and I am the master of the Clow Cards. The Clow Cards are a deck of magical elements that let me draw powers from them to use for important events, such as boiling the kettle and degreasing the toilet rim.
I live with my brother Tofu, and my father Fiji-Taco in town of Tomoeda. I once had a mother, Radish-Eco, but she was killed in an unfortunate occurrence involving a nutmeg grater and several ice cubes, so now it's just me and the men.
Tomoeda has developed a lot since I became the master of the Clow Cards, adding a university and vast stretches of swampland to its domain. I am a student at the General Tomoeda University, studying various unspecified subjects; a course which I am passionate about…
"... but don't you miss your adventures as Cardcaptor Tempura?" I hear a voice murmur from my converted draw of undercarriage dressings (it is now a highly stimulating parlour). A small yellow bear with small wings hovered above it. Oh, yeah! I forgot about Keer-OH (No No You Din't). He's the guardian beast of the seal, but he hasn't had to do much work lately, so he mainly patrols my private peach areas.
"Oh, Keer-OH (No No You Din't), you know I'm passionate about various unspecified subjects! In fact, I should be getting my timetable from the university today!" I rebuffed with a sensual yet vulnerable purr.
"Whatever. I'm hungry" he replied.
"Don't worry , I think…"
"...TEMPURA, BREAKFAST IS READY!" Tofu screamed quietly from the area that one would get to if they were to walk (or run) down the stairs.
"OKAAAY" I mewled in response. As I hurtled down the tastefully decorated, bright yellow staircase, I saw Dad and Tofu sitting at the breakfast table. There was a place set out for me, with coffee and a bowl of rice.
"Good morning Tempura", Dad said to me briskly.
"Good morning Dad! Good morning Tofu! Good morning Mom!" I announced to a framed picture of Mom. It was a splendid depiction of her engaged in the activity she loved best; sittin' on her ass, "So what is everyone up to today?"
"I'm going out to look for Yukito" Tofu squawked.
"Oh yeah… I forgot". Two weeks ago, Tomoeda was affected by a devastating swamp landslide. Mysteriously, the landslide only destroyed Yukito's house and he had been missing ever since. Yukito was my brother's romantic interest; I persistently hoped that this together with the landslide wouldn't get in the way of him skewering me with his cock.
"Tempura, you are due to get your university timetable today, is that correct?" Dad asked me.
"Yeah, I'm only signed up for two classes this semester; unspecified learning, and general education".
"They sound tantalising",
"Yeah!" I held my mouth open and kept the same expression on my face for twenty-five seconds so they would know how serious I am about general unspecified subjects. Suddenly, I felt a throbbing pulse set my undercarriage aflame; surely I had remembered to scrape it out this time…?
I then realised that the ripples of pleasure had come from my phone; a bright pink device with a golden sun on the back cover. An email notification flashed on the screen; It was my university timetable!
"Sakura, why are you screaming?", Dad enquired. I ignored this inconvenient query and opened the email.
"DAD! I have you for general education!" I spewed with an elegant yet debauched veneer. A single tear (no doubt of joy) fell down his chiselled cheekbones, and he contorted his face into an expression of delight.
"That's great, Tempura. Who do you have for unspecified learning?" I gazed soulfully at my electronic timetable, and the name that I read sent an earthquake of surprise through my sensuous body. I recognised that name, but I hadn't seen it for a very long time.
"Miss… Miss... " I stumbled, unable to drop this bombshell. Tofu looked up from his copy of the Swamp Swallower (Tomoeda's local newspaper) and fixed his eyes on me.
"Well?" he demanded.
"MISO QUEEN" I calmly belched. Tofu gasped mildly, but tried to cover it up, yet Dad just continued smiling.
"Yes, Miss Miso Queen has recently returned from England. I'm sure you'll enjoy her classes" he said, whilst gathering up the dishes. I couldn't believe their lack of surprise. Miss Miso Queen used to be a teacher at Tomoeda Elementary School, but I had several lurid dreams about her, and it turned out that she knew about the Clow Cards! Why was she back here? Did she know anything about the swamp landslide? I would have to wait until the new semester started to find out.
I began to ascend the bright yellow staircase, when there was a sharp knock at the door; who could it be? My father went to greet our knew guest, but I had a feeling that a climactic revelation would be subsequently unveiled, and therefore the door must be opened by myself. I needed to create a subtle distraction…
"WINDY" I shrieked in a violent yet tranquil way.
A sudden and surprising gust of wind blew a hole through the window.
"What was that?" asked Tofu, as both he and Dad ran to inspect the wreckage. I then took this moment to politely open the door and reveal who lay behind it.
"GAY-LIN, what are you doing here?" The girl who stood in the open doorway seemed surprised by my surprise. I had not seen her since she had left to return to Hong Kong eight years ago. She had left because she realised that Sharon-Linette had (mistaken) feelings for me, the Tempura Dinner-Photo.
"Tempura, it has been such a long time! But, I feel like now is the right time for me to return to Tomoeda" she told me, whilst pulling me into an intrusive embrace. I allowed her to enter our comfortable living room, with walls the colour of fluorescent custard. Did Gay-Lin know anything about the mysterious swamp landslide? I felt like she knew something.
"So, Gay-Lin, why are you here?" I asked her, whilst pushing a plate of expired cookies towards her. She gave me a somewhat reproachful look, and reached inside of her bag.
"Tempura, I've seen these circulating around, and I wondered if you knew anything about them?" She handed me a card that looked sort of like a Clow Card. I turned it over and saw the words 'Nao-Card' on it's back. I had never seen them before in my life, but it sure looked suspicious!
"Nope, never seen them! But don't they look like…?"
"A Clow Card!" Keer-OH said, finishing my sentence as he whirled into the room.
"Ew" Gay-Lin said, in reaction to Keer-OH.
"What is SHE doing here?" He snarled.
"Oh, don't be little bitches" I spat at them with my usual diplomatic grace. "Let's watch some TV!" I flipped on the remote and a tall woman with huge glasses appeared on the screen. She seemed oddly familiar, but I couldn't put my finger on where I had seen her before. Unexpectedly, she began to speak!
"Nao-Co!" she boomed. Suddenly, people were appearing behind her. The background was flashing yellow (almost as bright as our tasteful walls) and red; things were on fire. The crowd behind her was chanting. Milk was leaking. A rainbow appeared, before the camera zoomed in on her face so all you could see were her eyes, nose and mouth in a sea of face. "Nao-Co!" she repeated, before usual programming was resumed. I sat up, my thoughts adrift.
"You guys, I think…" I begun, whilst Gay-Lin and Keer-Oh stared at me confused.
"What, Tempura?" Gay-Lin began.
"I think…"
"What is it?" asked Keer-Oh.
"I think… we should all go out for ice cream!" I declared, finally realising what food I had been craving.
"ALRIGHT" Keer-OH screamed, whilst Gay-Lin sighed and sat back on the rubbery sofa.
Two hours later, Gay-Lin and I were walking out of the ice cream parlour, with Keer-OH stuffed into an empty box of (industrial strength) wart remover gel that I had kept in my bag for safe keeping.
"Tempura, I've been here for a couple of hours now… You might be hoping that I wouldn't notice, but where is Tomoyo? She used to be around all the time. Is she dead?" Gay-Lin asked me. She was right, this was a sensitive topic, with a long backstory.
"Gay-Lin, it's a very long story. You better pace yourself with that ice cream, because I'm about to give you a whole new raspberry swirl" I told her flirtatiously, but in a chaste way.
"...what?"
"Just fucking listen".
"Okay, what happened?"
"I think it all started when all of the Clow Cards were collected. Life became much less eventful, and therefore Tomoyo had less to record on her camera. She tried to keep going by making her own 'home-movies', but they were repulsive and the government had them destroyed as a public health violation after several people complained".
"I can imagine", Gay-Lin choked.
"She wanted to apply to film-school last year, but she didn't have much footage that hadn't been condemned. Most of it was just films of me capturing the Clow Cards, which she couldn't use for obvious reasons. Eventually, she submitted a film that she had made herself. It was called 'Tempura's Treats' and I starred in it. I thought that it was a tasteful Korean drama (even though we're Japanese) and I eagerly volunteered my slender shrimp sticks for the role".
"It sounds interesting".
"When it then came to Tomoyo's private viewing, it turned out that it was just me invited. This was disappointing but not surprising. Tempura's Treats came on and it turned out that she had zoomed in on my crotch for the whole time. To make matters worse, she had designed all of the outfits to be flimsy, meaning that there were many times where my private peach area was on show (she used slow motion on those parts to capture it's unique rippling effect)".
"That's terrible!"
"I know. I wanted to be angry at her, but in the end I just felt sorry for her pitiful condition so I let her submit it to the admissions board. I was also thrilled at the idea of an official board seeing me in such an intimate scenario, however I did not tell her this! Two weeks later, the board rejected her submission and she received further sanctions from the Department of Public Health. Rather than live out this embarrassment, her mom purchased the swamp around Tomoeda and she made it her home, which is where she is now. She exists now as… Swamp Tomoyo! I don't see her very often, except sometimes in the toiletries aisle at Nao-Store".
"I had no idea so much had happened! We might need her help if we are to figure out where these Nao-Cards have come from".
"Why? What the fuck did she ever do?"
"Um… nothing. But she was always central to the plot!"
"That is a very good point. Gay-Lin, we may have to take a visit to the swamp!" I said to her, realising that my adventures as Cardcaptor Tempura may be reigniting!