If you haven't been giving 'The talk' yet then this should really help you out. Review please!
Today began like any other day in Konoha; the senseis of Konoha were summoned to the Hokage's office to discuss a very important matter.
"Whaaaat!" they screamed in unison when they discovered what the very important matter was.
"You can't be serious!"
"Yeah...I mean whose gonna be doing the explaining?"
"I guess it's up to me."
"IT'LL DESTROY THEIR YOUTH!"
Hokage-Tsunade sent them away with a wave of her hand and watched them off.
"I wonder what Kakashi-sensei is going to talk to us about?" Sakura said as they walked to the normal training grounds.
"It can't be anything this important, if it was, the Hokage would've summoned us to her office, right?" Ino chimed in.
"Maybe Sasuke is proposing to me and wants everyone to be there, he probably wants Kakashi-sensei to marry us!" Sakura squealed.
"Yeah, in your dreams!!" Ino yelled. "Why would Sasuke marry you, when he obviously wants me?" Ino smirked as she flipped her hair and waved at Sasuke.
Sakura scoffed and walked ahead. "Damn Ino."
Sasuke lagged behind walking with Neji and Shino silently. "Are you even interested in them?" Shino asked flatly.
"Tch." Sasuke began. "They're annoying."
Neji looked over at Hinata and Ten-Ten. Ten-Ten smiled and winked at him as they walked, Hinata was too busy eyeing Naruto from behind to notice Ten-Ten flirting with her cousin.
"Ha!" Naruto shouted to Kiba and Lee. "I'm sure Kakashi-sensei and the other teachers are calling us there to tell all of you what a great ninja I am! And that I will become the next Hokage once Granny Tsunade keels over." He grinned from ear to ear.
"You?! It's obvious that me and Akamaru will be the ones told that. Right, Akamaru?"
Akamaru barked in agreement.
"Maybe Sakura is proposing to me and wants everyone to be there, she probably wants Gai-sensei to marry us!" Lee swooned.
Yeah, in your dreams!!" Naruto yelled. "Why would Sakura marry you, when she obviously wants me?" Naruto gave a toothy grin and looked at Sakura, who looked a bit upset.
Lee growled and walked ahead. "Damn Naruto."
"This is such a drag." Shikamaru yawned.
"I know right." Choji agreed as he stuffed his face with chips. "But I brung snacks, in case I get bored."
The ninja assembled at the training grounds and sat in two rows before the five teachers.
"Now I know you're all wondering why we have assembled you here." Iruka began. "But your teachers have been assigned to give you all 'The talk'. It's been decided by your parents and the Hokage that there is no better way. I'll let Kakashi began." He said before walking away nervously.
Kakashi casually walked in front of the students and cleared his throat. "Well, umm sex is uhh. Something you do when you..." He stopped and cleared his throat. "Well, my new issue of icha icha paradise will help explain."
Kakashi pulled a small book from a pocket in his jacket and opened it to a random page. He began to read, "'You want me to put my mouth where?'" Kakashi read in a high pitched girl voice. "'Everywhere and then-" He started in a deep voice before he was cut off.
"NOOOO YOU'RE TAKING THEIR INNOCENCE. LEE SHIELD YOUR EARS!"
"Yes Gai-sensei." He said shielding his ears tightly.
"Keep reading." A voice from behind said. Kakashi turned around to see Jiraiya with a wide grin on his face. "My best issue yet, don't you think?"
"I think we should move on to the next explanation. Asuma, Kurenai, you two know so much about it. Why don't one of you explain."
Asuma's took one last inhale of his smoke before tossing it to the ground and stomping it out. "Well, I refer to sex as 'making love'. "His cheeks turned red and he refrained from looking in Kurenai's direction. "You do it with the one person you're truly in love with, and you and that significant other become one in emotional bliss. You only think about each other and when you have that person in your arms and look into their crimson red eyes, you feel true happiness."
"Awwww." A few of the girls blurted.
Asuma's face turned bright red; he took out another cigarette and walked away.
"That was great." Iruka announced. "An improvement from Kakashi's." he glared in Kakashi's direction who was too busy giggling like a little schoolgirl with Jiraiya over that new issue of kiss kiss paradise to notice. "Kurenai would you mind going next?"
Kurenai was a still a bit shaken up by Asuma's words. "Sure, I'll go." She smiled, taking a deep breath. "I think Asuma pretty much summed it up for us though." She giggled. "In my opinion sex is something you should wait for until you're married. It's a bond between you and your partner that is so special that you should wait until you find the one you love. That bond is a gateway that should not only be used for pleasure but to create life as well." Kurenai paused. "Well that's all I have."
"Very good Kurenai, Asuma and you are so insightful about this." Iruka said. "Gai do you have anything to add."
Gai walked in front of the students with a look on his face as if he had just seen the devil. "Girls….if you have sex you will get pregnant and DIE!! Guys…if you have sex you will inevitably DIE!!!"
"Well," Iruka cut in. "That will certainly not happen but like Kurenai said and the parents agree that you should defiantly wait until you're married. Any questions for your teachers...current teachers?"
Naruto stood up. "So what'll happen if you don't wait…'till marriage?"
"YOU'LL DIE!"
"Nothing at all, go for it!"
"Nothing."
"Well you risk getting your partner pregnant and ruining her life.
Naruto sat back down. I will not have him out question me! Lee growled and stood up.
"What if you are in love right now?"
"LEE! DON'T THINK LIKE THAT. YOUR BRAIN IS NOT CAPABLE OF LOVING YET!"
"I say go for it!"
"If you are truly in love then you will respect your partner's wishes and do it when she feels she's ready. God knows how long I've waited for Kurenai."
"If you wait it will make it all the more special."
Sakura stood up shyly holding her arm.
"How can you get the one you love to do it with you?"
"I SUGGEST YOU ONLY TRY IF YOU WANT TO DIE OR RISK KILLING HIM."
"Wear something like this…or nothing at all." The voice said holding up a lingerie/ bikini magazine.
"Prepare a romantic setting, get them in the mood, and go in for the kill."
"Tell him how much you care about him and other nice things."
Kiba stood up before Sakura had a chance to sit back down.
"I've seen Akamaru in action with a stray dog…is that how it's done?"
"AKAMARU WILL DIE IN A WEEK!"
"That's one of the many, many ways. Try it out."
"No comment."
"It's not technically what you do to 'make love'. It's an experience more pleasurable for the guy than the girl. In my opinion."
"That's what it's all about though, right?" Kiba asked. "I mean, the guy deserves it."
"You're exactly right!" Jiraiya agreed.
Ino stood up giving Sakura the same glare Lee gave Naruto for asking a question.
"Can you still do it, even if you're not in love?"
"DON'T DO IT AT ALL!"
"99% of people aren't in love when they do it."
"No comment."
"It's not special when you're not in love."
"We'll take one more question and then send you off." Iruka announced.
Everyone began to shout out questions.
"Can you eat while you're doing it?"
"Have you ever fallen asleep in the middle?"
"How many ways can you do it?"
"Is it okay to do it with more than one person at a time?"
"What if you never want to do such a meaningless thing?"
"Can we produce asexually if we don't want to do it with each other?"
"We'll answer the question 'Is it okay to do it with more than one person at a time?'" Iruka announced. "Teachers." He said giving them the floor.
"THAT'S WHAT YOU CALL GROUP SUICIDE."
"It's better that way."
"I have…in the past."
"It's okay but it's not okay. It's not what you do when you want to have that special bond."
What do you think about those questions?