The Fear of Wings
A/N: This is loosely inspired by the movie Waitress and the book, Ella Enchanted. It's a little dark and not how I view their relationship at all. I love Destiel but I figured, what if Dean wasn't always good? I'm a bit new to the fandom but I love it. The show is really entertaining and the characters are great.
I also feel like apologizing in advance, it's been a while since I wrote a one shot, I may be a bit rusty.
Warnings: Contains mpreg, mentions of suicide/ideation/attempts, depression and Dark!Dean. Enjoy.
The sky above the cottage is the color of innocence, bright and blue. The sunlight creeping through the windows is a bit too warm as it caresses Castiel's bare skin. It almost burns but he makes no attempt to move out of its path in fear of waking the sleeping man beside him.
Instead, he studies the blank ceiling above him, as if it holds the answers he so desperately craves. Sometimes he prays, though he knows no one is listening, to help distract him from the nothingness.
Sometimes, if he turns his head just right, he gets a glimpse of the outside world from the window, and imagines briefly that he is far, far away. And sometimes he feels peace, though it's only a sliver.
It never lasts long though; he gets pulled back to reality when he feels the baby kick or hears Dean sigh in his sleep. Then he remembers where he is, that he no longer has the liberty to run or hide, that he belongs to Dean now and just like that he is swallowed in emptiness again.
Not long ago, he was a free man. He wasn't yet eighteen and was free to fall in love with anyone he wanted, to choose. But he never wanted anyone but Dean. With his strong arms, brilliant sense of humor and searing green eyes, Dean was the perfect catch. Where Castiel's family treated him like he were some sort of burden, Dean was all open arms and weighted words of adoration.
And Dean promised to protect him, to provide for him and to never hurt him. Castiel fell in love with the lie that was Dean Winchester.
Now he knows that he has to live with the decision he's made. It's easier said than done. Everyday is a fight to gain back his control. Even if there was no curse, he knows he can't just run away. Dean will find him. Or someone will return him to Dean once they see the markings of Dean's claim or the bump of his stomach, swollen with Dean's child.
Castiel knows he's trapped. He isn't allowed to see his family ever again and though he has little desire to, he sometimes finds himself mourning the past.
Someone grunts beside him, snapping Castiel out of his thoughts immediately. When he turns his head, he sees a pair of bright green eyes staring at him.
"Good morning." Dean mumbles.
Castiel smiles in response, it's feeble, nothing like the toothy, huge grins he used to make when he was free. It seems to suffice because suddenly Dean's face breaks out in absolute joy. He reaches a hand and gently rubs Castiel's stomach.
"How's little Emeline?" He asks and Castiel feels a wave of nausea rise within him. Dean's touch used to bring him comfort and happiness, now it just makes him sick.
"She's very active."
Dean's smile grows impossibly wider. "You feel her kicking?"
"Not at the moment, but I felt some faint stirrings a little earlier." Castiel feels the tears begin to prickle at his eyes. The thought of Emeline, fighting her way to be a part of this world while Castiel was fighting to get out, saddened him. Once, he imagined bearing a child as long as he was ready to protect it and his partner was prepared to do the same, even if she or he was going to be birthed with the curse, he knew he'd love them no matter what.
He loved Emeline, even though she would be part Dean, she was all Castiel ever wanted. A beautiful, healthy baby to cherish.
He just wished he had her in different circumstances.
Dean misinterprets Castiel's tears for that of joy and begins to kiss them as they trail down his cheeks. His hand is still on Castiel's stomach, rubbing it gently. It's meant to make him feel safe and wanted but instead leaves him feeling quite the opposite. Dean's hands are large and his skin is too hot. Castiel is suffocating and he wants to scream. "Please Dean." He begs, though he's not sure what for.
The man above ignores him. "Look at me." Dean orders and Castiel feels it, the fight in him bubbling to the surface. He stiffens and struggles to keep his eyes on the ceiling above. If he can just hold off a little longer maybe the curse will break itself.
Of course, it doesn't and he soon finds himself peering into those scary green eyes again. Dean caresses his face where the tears are still pouring. "Tell me you love me, Cas."
He wants to disobey, his mind screams at him to deny it, he pleads with his eyes, and wants Dean to see that it is killing him to do this but Dean just stares at him expectantly. He feels the pain shoot up his back, a common occurrence when he fights for too long, and his mouth opens on its own accord. "I love you, Dean." It's hollow and empty like his soul.
The hunter still doesn't seem satisfied. "Like you mean it."
The hatred that courses through his blood flares at that, but he is too tired, too weak, too broken to fight it. Instead of telling Dean just how much he hates him, the words "I love you, so much" followed with a deep kiss, fall from his mouth.
Dean doesn't ask for much more after that and soon falls back to sleep, to Castiel's gratitude. Silently, in the vivid light of the betraying sun, with a sleeping Dean beside him, he weeps.
The girls in Castiel's town and some of the men would probably seethe with jealousy if they saw his life in the cookie cutter way it looked from the outside.
He had a husband who wouldn't abandon him or his child, he was pregnant with a healthy baby, he never had a reason to starve or go cold and they lived in a beautiful house in the safest recesses of the woods.
It was all anyone could ever dream of.
While Dean was out during the day getting firewood or chasing monsters or whatever it was he said he did when he left, Castiel as the good wife as Dean called him, would be left to clean the log cabin, cook the meals and keep everything perfect for his adoring husband. To anyone on the outside, they seemed to be a perfect couple.
No one could see that Castiel wasn't allowed to have friends, to leave the cottage or use the phone. No one could see the burns on Castiel's arms, the evidence of his attempts to kill the monster inside him that had too much power. No one could see that everyday when he gets half an hour where the curse is at its weakest, he sprawls himself on the floor and succumbs to the pain, the sadness that is his life.
To everyone else, he is the perfect mate.
There was only one person who cared about him still. One person who saw what no one else would see: Dean's brother, Sam Winchester. He wasn't happy to hear that Castiel was pregnant. He helped Castiel fight Dean; fight for his freedom and it worked for a while. He made Castiel feel important, like he didn't deserve to feel less than because of the curse.
But then Dean ordered him to stop seeing Sam. and Castiel reluctantly obeyed. Dean was far too gone in his lunacy to be above killing Sam if it meant he was losing Castiel and their child, so Castiel begged him, lied and told him that Sam meant nothing just to calm Dean down.
And Dean told him he didn't need anyone else because no one could love him as much as Dean did.
Then there was Benny, Dean's friend. He found Castiel in the beginning, during the initial throes of his and Dean's union attempting to jump off the roof of the cottage they shared. He stopped Castiel, saving his life, and then proceeded to inform Dean.
Castiel begged his livid husband to either kill him or get him professional help. He didn't want to live anymore. But Dean was adamant. He locked Castiel up in their room and forced him to eat and sleep, ignoring Castiel's pleas.
"Don't try to kill yourself anymore." Dean ordered while Benny looked down at Castiel with pity. He fought like hell against that command too because Dean was taking away the only thing left in Castiel's life that he was passionate about. As long as Castiel had a way to die, he had a reason to live. But it was gone as soon as the curse kicked in.
They say there is a loophole in everything if you look hard enough. Castiel takes advantage of these loopholes every chance he gets.
His burns are just proof of purposeful accidents he gets himself into while cooking. He speaks to the animals that stop by the cottage though they don't understand him. He tells them that he will one day be free again, for himself, for Emeline. He still holds onto the amulet that Sam gave him and imagines that wherever Sam is, he's thinking of him, of saving him.
Sometimes it's enough for him to forget. On better days, sometimes he even feels hope.
A/N: Hope you enjoyed. It's not the best fic, but the idea wouldn't leave me alone. Thank you all for reading!