Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

A/N: It has actually been quite some time since I started this story, April 2010, to be exact. As it was taking time to update and the like, I took it down and only posted on my LiveJournal. Then in January of 2011, I finished this. So the finished product is now available to you here of .

Chapter 01

Needing Absolution

"The truth is rarely pure and never simple." ~ Oscar Wilde

When I was growing up in Pheonix all I had was my mother Renee and my older brother Emmett, we were all very close. I always wanted to do what ever Emmett was doing, none of that girly stuff. I never planed my 'wedding' and asked Emmett to play groom. I wanted to wrestle or get into whatever trouble Emmett got into. For this he is thankful for everyday.

Even as I grew into high school, I still didn't look at boys for a boyfriend. I knew I wasn't ugly, but I knew that I wasn't the prettiest girl around. I just was content with family, and getting good grades. My Renee would always ask me why I didn't date just 'cause Emmett was, my answer was always the same, I would rather read a story book romance than have one myself.

All of this did change though, when Renee got married when I was seventeen, and Emmett was eighteen. We moved to Forks, to live with our dad Charlie.

That first day at Forks high school was the day I met my 'sister' and bestfriend Alice Cullen, we had english together, and sat next to eachother. To be honest I wasn't use to anyone with that much perkyness or energy, but somehow she wasn't annoying, she just brought out a side of me I didn't even know I had. She had told me about her boyfriend Jasper Whitlock and her brother Edward Cullen, and their friend Rosalie Hale. I spoke of Emmett, and how close we were, 'cause she in turn was that close with her brother, too. We found out we had the same lunch and I swore to sit with her.

That lunch period was the most suprising moment of my life. Emmett had it also and was sitting with Alice and her friends, not only was he doing that but he was trying – unsuccessfully – to get the attention of the gorgeous Rosalie Hale. What really got my attention that day though, was Edward, he was the best looking man I had ever laid eyes on. I kept looking at him, and I remember he caught me twice, and gave me that glorious panty soaking crooked smile of his.

I remember Jasper, he was so quiet, although honestly he still is. He wasn't overly friendly, he was just what you needed him to be, and I know it sounds fake, but that is just who Jasper is and was.

Not long after Emmett had finally gotten Rosalie to say yes to a few dates, and they were the senior 'it' couple. It was odd to watch Emmett in love, not that he wasn't capable of it per se, just he never seemed the guy who would find love in high school. But they were great together, and I still to this day don't understand how Rosalie handles him.

Ever since that first day in the lunch room Alice had been hell bent on getting me and Edward together, and I wouldn't admit it to her but I really wanted to be with him. I just knew he was to handsome to be mine. Two months of lunch conversations, biology classes, and hanging with our little group Edward finally asked me out. I said no. Now I knew Edward wasn't mean enough for it to be a joke, it just seemed pity, and I did not need a pity date. He asked me out six more times, and I said no then too. Finally he asked me out a seventh while we were in the Cullens' basement and whispered in my ear 'I know your playing hard to get' I was just agast. I was not, and I never told him, but if I knew it wasn't pity the first time I would have told him yes, and latched on and never let go. So I said yes, 'cause the boy was just damn persistant.

We all stayed friends, and still did everything together. Emmett and Rosalie was the first to get married, then Alice and Jasper. Finally was Edward and me. Then was all of us juggling careears. A year after mine and Edwards' marriage, Alice and Jasper gave birth to a beautiful little girl, Kristen Ann. And now Rose is six months pregnant with little boy twins.

Edward and I have now been married for two years, we would have been trying by now. But with the place we are, it just wouldn't be healthy. And I don't know if we or our marrige will ever be happy again, and I want that more than anything in the world. I want my bestfriend, partner, and lover back.

So now I find myself at the Cullens' annual BBQ sitting at the table with Rose and Alice, while Esme plays with Kristen, and the men are grilling.

"Bella, would you please tell me what is going on?" I was snapped out of my thought by the voice of Alice. I looked around the table to see that Rose had obvously gotten up.

"I'm fine Alice," I had been saying this so much, it almost sounded true. "There is nothing to talk about," she shook her head sadly.

"How long have I known you?" I gave her the bitch brow. "Exactly! I know you and therefore I know something is bothering you!" Alice exclaimed.

I sighed, "Really, Alice, it's nothing." The real reason I wouldn't tell Alice the probems was for a few reasons, one – Edward was her brother, two – I just couldn't say all this out loud, or then I'd have to face this.

"Pffft… Bella, you really expect me to believe…" Her sentence died off as Rose returned to our table.

"These babies need to lay off my goddamn bladder!" Rose wasn't have a very good pregnancy, so she is a bit bitcher then usual. "Cheer up Bella," and Alice backed Rose up with a 'hmph' and a looked that said 'you will tell me'

I shook my head, "I'm fine, so girls what's going on with you?" Change the topic from me, and I'll be safe.

Being home with Edward is probably the worst. There is no one there to buffer between us. What was once a comfortable silence, is now an uncomfortable silence, filled with guilt, anger, and things that need to change. So why don't we? I'm not sure, maybe part of me want to sit back and hope it fixes itself, even if I know it wont.

"Are you coming to bed?" Edward asks with a detatched tone, even he doesn't hold out hope anymore.

I shook my head, not even looking at him, "No. I need to grade some papers," it's my usual excuse and he knows this

All Edward does is grunts in response, and leaves for the bedroom. It's almost to the point of unbearable to lie awake next to eachother in there. The atmosphere is completely tense, and I almost could choke on it. The hardest part is knowing we still love eachother and not knowing how to make it out alive. At times it seems the world is out to get us.

After grading my papers I decide to take a hot shower, then go to bed. That should buy me more time till Edward is asleep, and then I don't have to sit knowing we should be talking not ignoring. In the shower I close my eyes under the hot spray and remember the night Edward purposed.

I was dressed in a new midnight blue dress Alice had bought for me, it was getting close to seven and that was the time Edward was supposted to arrive. I was getting nervous, we never really did anything flashy like this. He knew I prefered pizza and a movie. When the door bell rang, I jumped in shock.

When I answered the door I was stunned into silence, as usual he looked unnaturally handsome in a black suit. So I stood gapeing.

"You look beautiful, love," I was broken out of my trance by the sound of his voice, and he chuckled. "See something you like?"

I smiled and blushed, "Yes, as a matter of fact I do," I gave him a sly look. "And thank you, what is all this for?"

He clucked his toung, "Silly Bella, do you honestly think I'd tell you?" He arched one perfect brow. "It's a surprise!"

I grummled all the way to the restruant La Bella Itlia, where we had our first date. We even sat in the same booth. Edward was being sweet and romantic, with so much excitement in his eyes that I'd never seen before. But there was a underlying nervousment as well, and that confused me.

After Dinner we went to our medow, he had candles lit and a blanket for us to sit on. We made out like the high school children we once were, and I couldn't wait to get back to our appartment so I could feel him inside me, I needed him more than ever. When I wasn't looking he'd gotten down on one knee, and pulled a ring out.

"Isabella Marie Swan, I promise to love you forever. With everything I am, will you marry me?" The love shining in his eyes was so strong and powerful I had almost fallen.

I swallowed the lump in my throat, and answered him through my tears, "Yes Edward, YES!" He picked me up and spun me around. When he put me back on the ground, he put his cheek on mine.

Then whispered in my ear, "You have made me the luckiet, and happiest man on Earth, Bella," I knew this was the best decision I'd ever made.

I still couldn't figure out how we went from not being able to with out touching eachother or kissing one another for five minutes to avoidance, and ignoring. It really makes me wonder if we'll ever dig ourselves out of his hole. Can anyone rescue us? Can we even do it and come out the same?

Once I was done drying off and changing into my sleep clothes, I crawled into bed, scared to wake up. Not wanting to know what tomorrow will bring. Would tomorrow be the day Edward finally walks away? Would we actually fight and show some passion for once? I doubted it.

When I wake up in the mornings now I know Edward wont be there. Part of me is saddened by this, knowing he isn't there to kiss me good morning, and the other half is releaved. I just don't want to deal with him, or his blank eyes.

After I get dressed for work, I get into the kitchen to make breakfast. And there he was in all his asshole glory, just eating cereal. He cleared his throat to get my attention, "Bella, I'm sick of the prentending," I sigh, he always does this in the mornings, usually I ignor him. Today I feel like saying something back.

"Then, lets don't," I notice him tense from the corner of my eye. "I could go and tell Alice today, even Rose. I don't want to pretend anymore either."

Edward answers through clentched teeth, and narrow eyes, "Okay, what the fuck are we supposed to say is the problem, Bella? 'Cause I don't even know!"

I sigh, "You do too!" I hiss. "Maybe we should take a break, nothing seems to be working anymore." He turns his head to look at me, and I notice shock written all over his face.

"WHAT?" Edward yells. "You can't be serious? If we take a break Isabella it will only make the wedge in our marriage worse! We don't talk and that is," he points a finger at me. "Your fault."

Now I'm seething with anger, how dare he! "Oh, really?" I scream. "So I suppose it was my fault you chose your job over your wife?"

Edward is out of his seat faster than I would have thought, "Don't you even dare! How many times must I explain this to you? Will you ever get it?" he shakes his head. "No, I doubt it," He slams his fist on the kitchen table. "I have to go to work. Don't know when I'll be home."

"See!" I scream to him as he is walking out the door.

Now that he decided to get into a fight, and walk out when I was bringing up the issues, I am in a worse mood then I was to begin with. And I don't even have to courtesy of going back to bed and pretending this day never happened, no, I have to go to work. I knew I was right to fear waking up today, I just knew it was going to be a terrible day.

From the moment he said 'don't know when I'll be home' I knew then and there that I would be telling Alice and Rose the problems in our marriage. I don't think I could get through this alone, I need the support of my sisters. The only problem is were such close friends and family that it wouldn't be easy to give support or take sides.

I know what Renee would have told me, tell them as friends, for moral support. Then you call a therapist to help you with everything else. The only problem is that Edward an I already tried marriage counceling, it didn't work. I talked, Edward didn't, then he said it didn't and wouldn't help us. I tried to argue the point, but he wouldn't have it. I guess it was because he wanted to be the one to fix us, or have us fix us. But that just isn't going to happen. I have a feeling if some outside force doesn't help us sometime soon we will be even more doomed then we have ever been. The only thing holding be back from reaching out, is the shame that I could keep my marriage going. Maybe that's Edwards problem too.