Disclaimer: Gilmore Girls is the creation of Amy Sherman-Palladino.

Chapter 1: Liz's Guys

TJ and Liz's House

"Stop it, you two! I can't believe two out of my three guys are fighting!"

"He blew up my truck, Liz."

"Aw come on! I said I wuz sorry! Jeez! Luke! Haventcha ever made a mistake?"

"Making a mistake is forgetting to order turkey for the week. If you're asking me if I've ever blown up somebody's car, the answer is no, TJ."

"Well, maybe you shouldn'ta parked your car there."

"In the driveway, TJ? Where should I have parked it?"

"Well you knew we were doin' the fireworks 'cause why else would we invite people over on the 4th a July?"

"I don't know TJ. Maybe to have a barbecue?"

"Come on, Luke. Have a little patriotic compassion. It wuzza 4th a July party. It's really good for Freddy. Not havin' thumbs, there's some stuff he can't do so good. But there's no one better for settin' off the bottle rockets than Freddy!"

"Listen to TJ, Luke. Freddy is really good with fireworks."

"Liz, I don't want to hear it. Your husband and his thumbless friend blew up my truck. You know how long I've had that truck?"

"Well, look at it this way. Now you get to buy a new truck."

"I don't want a new truck, Liz. I liked my old truck. Before it got blown up."

"Aw, Luke. You're makin' me feel bad." TJ starts to tear up.

"Big brother, have a little compassion. TJ didn't mean to do it. It was an accident."

"Yeah-uh," agrees a sobbing TJ. "It'twaz uh accident!"

"I know that Liz. But I still don't have a truck. And it was an accident because your husband and Freddy Four-Fingers -"

"Hey! That's mean, big brother!"

"your husband and Freddy Four-Fingers thought it was a good idea to set off the fireworks five feet from my truck. Five feet Liz."

"It'twaz uh mistake!"

"TJ, I was sitting in the truck! You idiots could've killed me!"

"But we did'unt! Isn't that wut counts?"

Suddenly the doorbell rings.

"Thank goodness! I invited my third number one guy over to talk some sense into you two."

"Who?"

"Who's my third number one guy?"

"I don't know. Taylor Doose?" asks Luke.

"Freddy?" suggests TJ.

"No! It's my firstborn! Jess!"

"Oh." Luke's voice echoes a note of surprise. "What about Doula? Won't she be home from school soon?"

Still crying, TJ manages to sputter out a few words. "You invited Jess?"

"Yeah. I thought he could talk some sense into you two lug heads."

Liz leaves to answer the door. Suddenly on their own, TJ and Luke exchange looks. Angry, Luke glares, while a remorseful TJ sniffles loudly.

"You see what you did?!"

"I did'unt know she'd call Jess!"

"You should've. You know how she is! Any excuse..."

"Aw! I'm sorry, Luke!"

"First you blow up my truck. Now I gotta listen to-"

From the living room, they overhear Liz greeting Jess.

"Jess! My baby boy!"

"Hi mom. So what's going on?"

"You know. Same old, same old. Luke's upset because TJ accidentally blew up his truck with a bottle rocket -"

"Series of bottle rockets!" Luke interjects from the next room.

"They're really the best of friends. I hate when they let little things like this come between them."

"Yeah, me too, mom. I'll talk to them."

"Good. I"m going out for a bit."

"Great. This is just great," Luke says with no small amount of sarcasm. "You owe me for this, TJ. Big time."

TJ lets out a loud heaving sob.

A moment later, Jess stands before the two men in the doorway. Looking at one, then the other, he smiles. "TJ. Luke."

"Hi Jess."

"Heya there, Jess. How ya' doin'?"

"Liz tells me you two aren't getting along."

"Oh I wouldn't say that. Your stepdad and I get along okay. We're just different. Our personalities are different."

"You know wut they say. Ev'ry bromance has its thorns."

"We do not have a bromance, TJ."

"Now, yuh hurtin' me, Luke." TJ, choking on his emotion, emits another loud sob.

"Well," Jess nods, looking between the two older men. "Liz, is concerned. And I don't blame her. This...this isn't you. I know you, Luke. TJ. I know you, too. And fighting like this. This isn't you."

"Oh, okay. Well, actually Jess, TJ blew up my truck and -"

"I like ta fight. I had yuh mother in a headlock b'fore yuh got here. We wrestle sometimes. Yuh know. Fuh fun. Doula's teachin' me Taekwondo. She says I'm too soft."

"Play-fighting, yeah. But this arguing. This isn't you."

"Jess, I've been arguing with people my entire life. You and I have argued. Don't you remember?"

"I really like ta fight. Doula says I need practice on my jump kicks. She promised to bring me to practice with her friends when I'm a little better. She's afraid I'll get hurt. Those ten-year-olds can be vicious!"

"I'm not leaving until you two make up and shake hands." Jess sits at the kitchen table. "And neither of you is leaving, either."

"For the love, this is ridiculous," hisses Luke. Gesturing angrily at TJ, his temper finally bubbles over. "He blew up my damn truck! With bottle rockets! While I was sitting in the truck! Him and Four Finger Freddy!"

"Oh yeah? And you're an uptight jerk! And you're prejudiced against the thumbless!"

"I'm prejudiced against the brainless!"

"Aw! Did'ja hear wut he said 'bout me? Huh! Brainless! Them's fightin' words!"

"Why did you think putting a guy with no thumbs in charge of the fireworks was a good idea?"

"Listen, you two. Nobody's leaving until you shake hands and are friends again."

An Hour Later

"TJ, I think that jump kick was okay."

"Oh, yea-uh? Doula's been workin' wit' me. I think your right hook is pretty good there, Luke."

"Thanks. I'm a bit out of practice but I guess it wasn't bad for an old guy."

"How long yuh think 'til he comes to?"

"I don't know. But I'm gonna take off before Liz gets back."

"Oh, yea-uh. Maybe I should go wit' you. She'll prob'ly be pissed!"

The two start as they hear the sound of the front door opening.

"Where's my guys?"

Luke grimaces as he looks at TJ.

"Hi Liz. We're here. In the kitchen."

"No! She'll see Jess!"

Soon Liz stands before them, peering in from the doorway of the kitchen.

"So what happened? You two clock Jess?"

"You knew we'd do that?" asks a surprised Luke.

"I suspected. So you two are okay, now? No more fighting?"

Luke shrugs. "Yeah."

TJ grins happily. "Yea-uh!"

"Terrific. I'm so happy. Why don't you two go out and get a beer? But first, could you carry Jess into the guest room? I also got him a steak for his eye."

AN: This may be just for me. OMG. I'm crying. So the idea is whenever the good townsfolk of Stars Hollow get into fights, St. Jess flies in to mediate. Or whenever someone is doing something he thinks is out-of-character, St. Jess will swoop in to counsel them. Just. Because. Yes, it's demented. What can I say? I enjoy crap like this. "Oh No! Vampire Bill!" is one-shot after one-shot of Bill Compton accidentally meeting his demise like Kenny on South Park. Suggestions for likely (or unlikely) SH showdowns welcome. Thanks.