Project H and the Order of the Phoenix
By Panicattack/ Project H
*Playground*
Radio:…seemingly never-ending heat-wave. Temperatures as high as 40 degrees Celsius, that's over 100 degrees Fahrenheit for any foreign swine currently living in the country. Today will see equally high temperatures, with a chance of late dementor attacks. Tomorrow can be expected to be a bit cooler, with a possible global apocalypse at around 6
Harry: I sure am lucky to have this creepy, empty playground to hang around in to cheer myself up. Hey Dudley, fancy a swing? Or are you busy beating up 10-year-olds?
Dudley: This one deserved it. We make it our duty to teach a lesson to local troublemakers. We're like younger, fatter Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers
*Storm brews. Harry and Dudley seek refuge in a tunnel*
Harry: Does anyone else feel drained of all happiness?
Dudley: That guy looks like he does *points to scary, dark figure*
Harry: Dementor!
Figure: No, David. I live in the tunnel now since I was fired as a radio weatherman. The station didn't like my constant apocalypse predictions
Dementor: I'm a dementor!
Harry: Expecto patronum!
Dementors: Electric possums? Oh no, where? *Runs*
Harry: That's the one weakness of dementors; they don't have ears so they can't hear a damn thing. I once had one serve me at McDonald's. I asked for a small fries and a coke, he brought me a bicycle and my own island off the coast of Wales
Dudley: *Vomits*
Harry: What? You don't like Wales?
Mrs Figg: Keep your wand out, Harry
Harry: Careful now, you can get arrested for a comment like that. Why are you here in the tunnel?
Mrs Figg: I live here with David. Nevermind that though, you'd better head home
***
*Dursley house*
Dudley: *Still vomiting*
Vernon: Who did this to you, boy?
Dudley: *Pointing to Harry* He did it. Right there. Harry did it to me. That Harry right there. Right where I'm pointing. Right where my finger is pointing right now. Harry did it. He did it to me. The Harry I'm pointing at right now. Harry did it to me. That Harry. That Harry right there. Right where my finger is pointing. The Harry my finger is pointing at right now. He did it to me
Vernon: You've finally done it. I knew one day you'd send him loopy. Or crazy. Or insane. Or mad. Or nutty. Or bonkers. At least one of those. Maybe even a combination of two or three. Four at once would just be ridiculous though
*Letter flies through the window*
Letter: Mr Potter, due to your illegal use of underage magic in front of a muggle, the Ministry of Magic has no choice but to expel you from Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. It would also greatly assist the Ministry if you could confirm the following libellous stories for the Daily Prophet; you still wet the bed, you ride a girl's bike with a basket on the front, you once burned down an orphanage for cancerous children, you once tried to steal Christmas, you and Seamus Finnegan are friends with "special benefits", and you are currently sporting a tell-tale baby-bump. Thanking you, The Ministry of Magic
Vernon: Haha, now even your school won't take you back. We'll have to find you some new accommodation for the school year. I'm thinking down a well. But right now we must leave for some medical help. Hospital ho!
***
*Harry's room*
Harry: *Hits wardrobe* Damn wardrobe, I'll teach you to run out of coat hangers
*Door opens*
Moody:…and the worst part is none of this woman's nightgowns are my size
Harry: Professor Moody?
Moody: Well I was never really a professor. I spent all last year beaten and bruised in a trunk while you were taught by a psychotic imposter
Harry: Yeah, it was a good year. Are you here to rescue me?
Moody: Rescue, eat. To-may-to, to-mar-to. We also got you an official trial, so you may not be expelled
Harry: Oh Moody, how did I ever manage without you?
***
*Grimmauld place*
Harry: How come we flew our brooms within the sight of muggles rather than high in the sky above the clouds?
Moody: Shut up, that's why
Mrs Weasley: Hello Harry. Ron and the frizzy-haired girl are upstairs. Wait with them until dinner time
*Upstairs*
Ron:…and the worst part is, Hermione, none of your nightgowns are my size
Harry: Hi guys
Hermione: Harry! *Hugs Harry*
Ron: Let the man breathe, Hermione
Hermione: Oh, right *removes pillow she was holding over Harry's face*
Harry: What is this place?
Hermione: Grimmauld Place
Harry: Grim old place? That's hardly welcoming. I think I'll call it Hug-a-lot Hut. Or maybe Cuddle Castle
Hermione: Whatever. The point is, it serves as the headquarters for the Order of the Phoenix. That's the organisation set up by Dumbledore to battle Voldemort
Harry: So Dumbledore's in charge? Yes, I suppose Dumbledore's Darling Dungeon has a nice ring to it. Who else is in the Order?
Hermione: Ron's parents, Sirius, Lupin, Mad-eye Moody, Snape, some people who work at the ministry, half of the Australian rugby union team, the Microsoft Word paperclip thingy and Voldemort. Someone wrote his name on an application form as a joke but now he's an official member. He gets to vote at all the meetings
Fred and George: *Appear*
Fred: Guys, you'd better come downstairs. Mum fell down and it'll take the whole Order to pick her up again
***
*Big room with table*
Harry: Sirius! The last time I saw you your face was in a fireplace
Sirius: It sure was. Where was that, Club Med?
Harry:…no. You appeared to me at school to tell me about the Goblet of Fire
Sirius: That doesn't sound like me
Lupin: It's good to see you again, Harry
Harry: Hello professor. There isn't going to be a full moon tonight, is there?
Lupin: Hopefully not. Sirius says he's fixed the flap at the back of his pyjamas, so there shouldn't be a problem
Harry:…I meant a full moon in the sky
Lupin: Oh, well the weatherman on the radio says there won't be
Harry: I wouldn't trust that weatherman. He lives in a tunnel now
Lupin: A tunnel? Well that's a right side better than the cardboard box that I currently live in
Sirius: Hey, it's a pretty good cardboard box. Don't knock it
Lupin: Of course I won't knock it. It's very flimsy and if I knock it it'll fall down
Sirius:…
Lupin:…
Sirius:…
Harry: Can we talk about the Order now?
Sirius: Certainly. Voldemort is raising an army and we're trying to do the same. But we think he's looking for something. Something he didn't have last time
Harry: You mean like, a nose?
Moody: That's enough, Sirius!
Mrs Weasley: Yes, you might as well induct him into the Order next
Harry: Good. If Voldemort's building an army than I want to fight
Sirius: That depends. Do you enjoy standing naked in a thunderstorm while girl scouts throw rotten fruit at you?
Harry: No
Sirius: Well then you certainly won't like the induction ceremony
Moody: I was inducted twice. I didn't need to be but the fruit was just lying around and I didn't want it to go to waste
***
*Department of Mysteries*
Mr Weasley: OK Harry, this is as far as I can go, so I'm sending you in alone without any legal representation. But as the muggle expression goes, "What you talkin' about Willis?" Yes?
Harry: I don't think that's suitable for my situation
Mr Weasley: How about, "Truth will out"?
Harry: That'll do
***
*Courtroom*
Baliff: This is Judge Fudge. The cases are real, the wizards are real….
Fudge: Oh shut up. Mr Potter, you are charged with illegal use of underage magic in front of a muggle. You have evidently decided to represent yourself. Head of interrogation, Cornelius Fudge
Dumbledore: Representative for the defence, Albus Wulfric Percival Pikachu Dumbledore
Fudge: Very well. Mr Potter, did you use a patronus in front of a muggle?
Harry: Yes, but…
Fudge: Let the record show that he replied in the affirmative while beating a bag of kittens. And did you perform such patronus knowing the illegality of such an act?
Harry: Yes, but…
Fudge: Let the record show that he replied in the affirmative while driving a steamboat over the original cast of The Little Rascals
Harry: I only did it because of the dementors
Fudge: Why would a dementor want Alfalfa steamrolled?
Harry: Not the steamroll thing, the patronus thing
Fudge: That's the craziness. And since you can't produce any witnesses of the event…
Dumbledore: As it so happens, we can. Do you want the crazy old lady, the weatherman who lives in the tunnel, or our mystery witness behind door number 3?
*Everyone starts yelling out their selection*
Fudge: I'll take, um, geez it's so hard to think, uh, crazy old lady!
*Crowd cheers*
Dumbledore: Mrs Figg, come on down!
Mrs Figg: *Enters courtroom and sits in witness chair*
Fudge: Now, what did the dementors look like?
Mrs Figg: Big, black, made me sad
Fudge: That's good enough for me
Juror: All in favour of conviction?
*Several jurors raise their hands*
Juror: All in favour of clearing the accused on all charges?
*Majority of jurors raise their hands*
Juror: All in favour of wearing different hats to all future trials
*All jurors raise their hands*
Fudge: Very well, Mr Potter is cleared of all charges. And we'll review our uniforms before the next hearing
***
*Train station*
Harry: Sirius, it's too dangerous for you to be here
Sirius: I had to see you one last time. And I wanted to give you this *hands Harry a piece of paper*
Harry:…a Sudoku puzzle?
Sirius: Yeah, it's the first one on 'Expert' difficulty that I've ever completed. I also have this old photo of your parents
Harry: What is it with you and reminding me of the fact that my parents are dead?
Sirius: What can I say, I'm a sadist *pokes Harry in the eye*. So many of these past Order members met an unfortunate end; Marlene McKinnon murdered, Frank and Alice Longbottom tortured, Alwin Dark fell into a thresher, Emeline Debassy choked to death on spaghetti, Dennis Tennis killed himself due his ridiculous name, Hamilton Floss died of laughter when he heard the joke "Why was the 8-year-old not allowed into the pirate movie? Because it was rated Aargh!" *Laughs uproariously*
Harry: Yeah, I need to go and catch a train now
***
*Carriages*
Harry: *Sees the thestrals* What are those creatures?
Hermione: What creatures, Harry?
Harry: The creatures pulling the carriages
Hermione: There are no creatures, Harry. The carriages are just pulling themselves. Kind of like Ron was last night
Ron: Hey, what?
Hermione: Oh shut up, I could hear you from my room
Luna: It's alright, you're not going mad. I can see them too. You're as sane as me and my imaginary time-travelling metrosexual shark Pablo
Harry: Excellent, and who is this?
Hermione: Everyone, this is Loony Nutty Annoying Bratty – eh, I mean Luna Lovegood
Harry: Nice to meet you
***
*The Great Hall*
Dumbledore: There are a few small notices to give out before we start our feast
Sorting hat: Actually Dumbledore, I wouldn't mind singing a quick song. I haven't done one in a while
Dumbledore: Well, we don't really have time….
Sorting hat: Excellent. 1…2…3…4…
It's a really big castle
With really big walls
But if you want to succeed
Then you'd better have big balls
There are snakes in the sinks
And a troll in the loo
If you want to protect a stone
Then a chess board will have to do
There's a giant whomping tree
That will hit you in the face
And I hope you aren't afraid of ghosts
They're all over the place
You may be killed in a flying accident
If the teachers don't kill you first
We even had a werewolf once
Although Voldemort-head was the worst
What sort of horrendous school
Would put students through such pain
Why Hogwarts School would of course
And it's school time again
Good luck, kids!
Dumbledore: Thank you, Mr Hat. I would also like to announce two changes of staff. Professor Grubbly-Plank will replace the oddly absent "Professor" Hagrid, and the Defence Against the Dark Arts position will be filled by the pink blob sitting to my left. No, it's not your beloved video game character Kirby, but rather the Ministry-appointed Professor Dolores Umbridge
Umbridge: Thank you, Dumbledore. And may I just say how pleased I am to see so many smiling faces in front of me, even though I had to surgically place many of the smiles there myself. The Ministry wishes to take a more active role in the education of students, and have this school running more like a government. In other words, everyone will sit around for a few hours each week without getting any work done. Thank you
Dumbledore: We welcome Professor Umbridge with open arms. And I think I speak for everyone when I say, I hope that teacher's curse is still in effect
***
*DADA class*
Umbridge: OWLs. We were going to name them Student Hexing and Incantation Tests but the acronym didn't quite work. Wands away, you'll only be using books in my class
Ron: All books? Hermione must be in heaven
Hermione: This sucks!
Ron: Say what?
Hermione: There's nothing here about using defensive spells
Umbridge: Using spells? Why on earth would you need to use spells?
Hermione: In case we get attacked
Umbridge: Attacked? Who on earth would want to attack you?
Seamus: Street punks
Dean: Angry teen mothers
Lavender: Zombie Jesus
Harry: Voldemort
Umbridge: Voldemort? He's just an old wives tale
Harry: He's not, I saw him come back
Umbridge: Saw him? How can we trust anyone with glasses who saw something? You were probably just looking at a bald cat in a robe
Harry: So Cedric just dropped dead on his own accord? Voldemort killed him!
Umbridge: Actually, Pettigrew killed him. I mean, no, no one killed Cedric. He just had an allergic reaction to….killer hedges. Detention, Mr Potter
***
*Detention, Mr Potter*
Cats on wall: Meow!
Harry: A woman who loves cats could never be evil. This puts me completely at ease
Umbridge: You'll be doing some lines for me tonight. Lines of writing, that is. Some of the senior students got the wrong idea and came here before a rave
Harry: You haven't given me any ink
Umbridge: Yes, the senior students said that too. I think 'ink' is some sort of new slang
Harry: Ink for writing
Umbridge: Oh, right. You won't need any, just use that blood-stained quill on the desk
Harry: What should I write?
Umbridge: Oh, just press really hard and scribble
Harry: *Scribbles* Well this seems to be rather pointle-SON-OF-A-BITCH! *The back of Harry's hand splits open and blood sprays everywhere*
Umbridge: Something wrong, Harry?
Harry: No, nothing at all *keeps writing while he sprays blood all over the office*
***
*Common room*
Hermione: Harry, is there something wrong?
Harry: No. Why would you think that?
Hermione: Because your hand is spraying blood in my face
Harry: Oh, that. Umbridge made me use a quill that engraved my skin
Ron: Oh yeah, I used one of those by accident the other day *opens shirt to reveal LIVERPOOL RULES engraved on his chest*
Hermione: Harry, you've got to tell Dumbledore about this
Harry: No, he's got his own problems. His public outburst at the last 'Beard of the Year' awards made that evident. Never have so many profanities been aimed at facial hair
***
*Forest*
Harry: Dear Sirius, how's life as a lonely, lonely convict? My life is well, with the exclusion of the usual murderers and Rons. LOL. Ow! Damn, I stubbed my toe. I knew I shouldn't walk and write. Wait, am I writing or talking? I can't even tell. Anyway, I'd better leave it at that so I can go for one of my depressing forest walks. XOXO Pottsy
Luna: Who are you talking to, Harry?
Harry:…I don't know. What are you doing out here?
Luna: Feeding these horrific omens of death with organ meat that I keep on my person at all times
Harry: Goodbye *leaves*
***
*Common room*
Ron: Well this sucks. First Umbridge becomes High Inquisitor, then she makes all these absurd rules, and now she's saying red-heads are going to be banned from Hogwarts
Harry: Hold that thought, Fudge is on the radio
Radio:…we believe that the recent violent attacks within our society are being caused by escaped convict Sirius Black, and I will not speak any further on that matter. Now, in answer to last hour's question, the secret sound was a wet pillow being shot out of a cannon. This is Fudge at 5, and now please enjoy ACDC's 'Back in Black'
Sirius: Hello Harry, I'm in the fire again
Harry: This is fast becoming a habit
Sirius: I just popped in to let you know that for the time being you're on your own. Completely alone. By yourself without any help from me or the Order whatsoever
Harry: So everything's normal. Okie Dokie
Sirius: You have your mother's eyes
Harry: *Pours water on fire* Oh I am so sick of being told that
Hermione. Harry, Ron and I have been thinking
Harry: Ron's been thinking?
Hermione: OK, I've been thinking and Ron's been mentally undressing me. Harry, we need someone to teach us Defence Against the Dark Arts. I think you should be our teacher
Harry: A teacher? That would confuse my position somewhat being both a student and a teacher. Would I be able to give detentions?
Hermione: No
Harry: Would I be able to award house points?
Hermione: No
Harry: Would I be able to sleep with students?
Hermione: Of course. You will be a teacher after all
Harry: I'll do it
***
*Hog's Head*
Ron: The Hog's Head. Was that the most appealing name they could come up with? What, was the Pig's Arse already taken?
Harry: I still don't know what was wrong with that dark alleyway I suggested
Hermione: There were all these creepy guys in it
Harry: Well then, I guess it has something in common with you
*Everyone arrives*
Hermione: Hi. Well we're here because we need a proper teacher, and that proper teacher should be Harry. He's a partly-educated, averagely intelligent teenager, so if anything he's overqualified to be a professional teacher
Some kid: How can we believe anything he says? Why doesn't he really tell us what happened the night Cedric died?
Harry: I'm not here to talk about that. If any of you came to hear about Cedric, you should just leave now
*Voldemort leaves*
Hermione: Harry's a really great wizard. He defeated Quirrell in our first year
Harry: I had a lot of help with that
Neville: And he defeated a basilisk with the sword in Dumbledore's office
Harry: That was luck
Cho: In his third year he defeated about 100 dementors
Harry: To be fair, most of those were bats with capes
Hermione: And last year he really did fight Voldemort
Harry: Although I did spend most of that fight tied up or trying to run away
Ron: And he won his fight against obesity
Harry: I think we're getting a little side-tracked now
Hermione: In short. Harry is the best teacher for the job. If you want to be apart of our special classes, then please sign up so we can contact you. And now, as promised, please enjoy the free buffet and the comedy styling of 'Wacky' Ron Weasley
Ron: Hi there folks. I tell you what; you know you're a white supremacist when you only watch the second half of 'black and white' movies…
***
*Walking back to Hogwarts*
Hermione: We need somewhere to practice. Somewhere Umbridge would never go
Ron: The gym?
Hermione: Perfect. We should also name the group
Harry: Potter's People
Ron: Ron's Rebels
Hermione: Hermione's…
Ron: Hoes
Hermione: The name doesn't matter
Ginny: We shouldn't include our own names. We could call it "Dumbledore's Army", and shorten it to DA. Or "Fudge and Umbridge Can't Know", which we would shorten to-
Harry: Wizards aren't exactly great at acronyms, are they?
***
*Hallway*
Wall: Psst, Neville
Neville: Well I….hey, wait just a cotton-picking minute, this would be perfect for our meetings *runs off*
Wall: What? No, it's me Seamus. Crabbe and Goyle bricked me up behind here and I can't get out. Neville? Neville? Anyone? The cement is starting to go hard
***
*Room of Requirement*
Hermione: Fantastic Neville, you've found the Room of Requirement. The room that caters for whatever a person most needs. That's why it's full of equipment for us to train with
Ron: So that's why when I came down this hallway once I found a room of Hermiones
Harry: And why I once found a room of parents
***
*Room of Requirement…but at a different time and with more people*
Harry: Well everyone, it's been a crazy couple of weeks, but we're now going to take a break over Christmas. So take care, have a great holiday and for the love of God let's never speak of the horrible Susan Bones incident again *Harry stares at a pile of ashes in the corner of the room*
*Everyone leaves except Harry and Cho*
Harry: Well this is romantic; standing in an empty room, staring at pictures of your dead ex-boyfriend
Cho: He sure was great
Harry: He was fantastic. A king among men
Cho: No other boy could ever compare to him. Good-looking, talented, smart, sense of humour, magnificent personality, stamina of a horse. The very epitome of perfection
Harry: Yeah. He's dead now
Cho: Let's kiss
Harry: Deal
***
*Dumbledore's office*
Harry: Professor, I had a dream where I saw Arthur Weasley being attacked by a snake
Dumbledore: In the dream, were you standing next to the victim, looking down on the scene from above, or watching it on a screen with two robots making snide remarks while in outer space
Harry: Well I was…..Professor, what's happening to me?
Dumbledore: Phineas, report to your portrait in Adorable Abode to check on Arthur
Phineas: It's OK, Dumbledore. Medical authorities reached him just in time, and he's already asked the Make-a-wish Foundation for a trip to Disneyland
Dumbledore: That's good news, I suppose-
Harry: Look at me!
Dumbledore: Harry, this is no time for your Kath & Kim impressions
Snape: You wanted to see me, Headmaster?
Dumbledore: We can't afford to wait another minute. Another 30 seconds maybe, if you need quick snack or toilet break, but certainly not a minute
***
*Snape's Dungeon*
Snape: We have reason to believe that the Dark Lord is able to access your thoughts
Harry: So he can read my mind?
Snape: Read it, manipulate it, unhinge it. In the past it was often the Dark Lord's pleasure to invade the minds of his victims, creating visions designed to torture them into madness. Only after extracting the last exquisite ounce of agony, only when he had them literally begging for death would he finally...kill them
Harry: Do you rehearse these in front of a mirror?
Snape: No, I've set up cue cards behind your head. SURPRISE! *Casts wand at Harry and enters his mind*
Harry: Aargh! What the hell?
Snape: Well you'll have to do better than that if you want to keep the Dark Lord out of your mind
Harry: But you haven't even told me how to do that
Snape: Oh you'll work it out *casts wand again*
***
*Grimmauld Place*
'Wacky' Ron Weasley:…but I tell you what folks, last week I got on the wrong side of the vegetarian mafia. I woke up with a head of lettuce in my bed
*Crowd laughs*
Ron: Alright, but seriously guys, it's time for the man you've all come to see. Here he is, we've flown him in all the way from hospital; Arthur "The Rocket" Weasley!
Arthur: Thanks everyone, calm down. But I'd like to extend a special thanks to Harry, without whom I would not be here today to celebrate Christmas with my family
Harry: On that topic, why do wizards celebrate Christmas? Surely our knowledge of magic makes Jesus' miracles seem pretty tame
Hermione: True, but he came from a magical family yet wasn't himself a wizard, thereby making him a Squib. Just think of today as Squibmas
Harry: Squibmas at Delightful Dwelling? Best holidays ever!
***
*Room with Black family tree on wall*
Sirius: Hello Harry, this is the room with the Black family tree on the wall
Harry: I noticed. So you grew up here?
Sirius: Yes I did, in this room specifically. I passed the time by creating this family tree out of my own hair and blood. There's my no-good rotten cousin, my seldom-seen Uncle Dweezil, my beloved talking dog Mr Pompadour, the small green alien named Fantastic Frazzino that only I can see, and there's where my mother burnt away the picture of my face
Harry: Geez, we don't have any luck with families
Sirius: We'll be a proper family when all this is done. We'll have misadventures, learn a lesson, then sing some songs. We'll call ourselves the Blacky Bunch
Harry: That sounds great, but I need to go back to school now
***
*Hogwarts ground*
Harry: *Talking to Cho*…and so I said to the guy "Hitler? I hardly know her". Ahahaha
Hermione: Harry, Hagrid's back-
Harry: Is incredibly hairy? Yeah, I know
Hermione: No, he's back at school
Harry: Lead the way
*Hagrid's hut*
Umbridge: I demand you tell me where you have been
Hagrid: I left for my health. Although unfortunately I went to a leper island so then I had to spend more time away. That was followed by mumps and a bad case of tennis elbow, so that took another couple of weeks. Then I got horrendous dandruff…
Umbridge: Well if I were you, I'd be more terrifying for one, but I also wouldn't worry about unpacking *leaves*
Harry, Ron and Hermione: *Enter, presumably disguised as pumpkins or something*
Hagrid: Alright kids, now this is top secret, but Dumbledore sent me to parlay with the giants. And I wasn't the only one
Hermione: Voldemort
Hagrid: And not just him, a lot of basketball teams were there to recruit new players. I just can't compete with $20 million a year and a Rexona sponsorship, so it was hard to convince the giants to fight on our side
Harry: So, we're screwed?
Hagrid: There's a storm coming
Harry: That's code for "we're screwed"
***
*Room of Requirement*
Harry: Neville, how long have you been standing there?
Neville: All Christmas break, I couldn't find my way out
Harry: If you required a way out, the room would have made one
Neville: I guess so. The room seems to think I required constant reminders of my parents
Harry: Yeah, I get a lot of that myself
Neville: They were tortured to insanity by Bellatrix Lestrange, who has just escaped from Azkaban
Harry: I thought Barty Crouch Jr tortured your parents to insanity
Neville: A lot of people did. Bellatrix, Barty Crouch, and that hypnotist that made them think they were chickens didn't help
Harry: We'll make them proud
Neville: At this point I think they'd be proud if I made it through the year in one piece
Harry: Oh. When I said you'd make them proud I sort of meant you'd die defending their honour or something
Neville: Oh. Well I guess I could try that
Harry: Yeah, never give up hope
***
*Room of Requirement…again*
Harry: To produce a good patronus, you need to think of a really happy memory. Neville, you're exempt. I like to use the memory of us never having been caught by Umbridge
*Wall explodes*
Harry: Or not
***
*Dumbledore's Office*
Umbridge: This parchment clearly says "Dumbledore's Army", confirming what I'd always feared; this school has formed an army of teenagers lead by Professor Dumbledore
Fudge: Well unless they plan to attack us with hormones and acne I fail to see the threat
Umbridge: Nevertheless, it is conspiring against the Ministry and is grounds for immediate dismissal and arrest
Dumbledore: Well that sounds delightf-LOOK OVER THERE!
*Everyone turns to look while Dumbledore puts on a fake moustache and holds a newspaper up in front of his face*
Fudge: Oh my, where did Dumbledore go? I'd better ask that man with the newspaper. *To Dumbledore* Excuse me sir, did you see a tall wizard with a long beard go past here?
Dumbledore: *Shakes head*
Fudge: Fiddlesticks
Shacklebolt: Well you may not like him, Minister, but you cannot deny; Dumbledore's got style
Fudge: Yes, well I don't think I'll be taking style advice from a man who dresses entirely in bright purple
***
*Hogwarts loudspeaker*
Umbridge: As new Headmistress, I have implemented several new rules. Boys and girls are not permitted to be within eight inches of each other, although that certainly won't be a problem for that strapping young seventh year I happened to see changing the other day. And remember boys, anything I see you doing to a girl I will have Filch personally do to you, only twice as hard. Those who wish to join the Inquisitorial Squad for extra credit are required to fill out an application form and poke a first year in the eye. Students caught forming societies or groups will be immediately relegated to first year and be poked in the eye. Have a great day, and remember, I hate you all so very much
***
*Forbidden Forest*
Harry: We should really think about renaming this forest, it doesn't really seem forbidden anymore. I'm thinking Potter's Place. Over there will be Potter's Tree, that will be Potter's Rock, and that will be Ron's Hippogriff Droppings
Hagrid: Guys, let me introduce you to my little brother Grawp. He's gigantic and dangerous, like Hermione's ego
Hermione: Hey! My ego is the exact right size considering my brilliance
Ron: So what are we supposed to do with Grawp?
Hagrid: Well he gets his own food, its just company that he needs
Grawp: *Picks up Hermione*
Harry: Oh right. You mean "company"
Hagrid: No I don't. Grawp, put her down. Not in the way that one would put down an old and diseased dog, but in the way one would put down a cute puppy that is tired of cuddles
Grawp: *Puts Hermione down*
Hermione: Geez, I'm 15 years old and that's the most thrilling experience I've ever had with a boy
Ron: It doesn't get any better from here
Hagrid: I figured I'd leave him in your care since you don't have anything else to worry about this year
Harry: Appreciate it
***
*Snape's Dungeon*
Snape: Weak. Pathetic. Cruel. Scum. But enough of what I think of our current Prime Minister, let me tell you about your father…
Harry: My father was a great man
Snape: Your father was a swine *casts spell*
Harry: *Casts spell. Sees Snape as a teenager being tormented by James, mocked by other students, falling into mud, showing up at school in his underpants, wetting himself while on a swing, swallowed by a pelican, seen in public wearing a Manchester City guernsey, forgetting the lyrics during his Pop Idol audition, used as a 'before' picture for a new de-greasing shampoo, getting out of a cab and exposing his crotch to photographers* Wow, sucks to be you
Snape: Get out!
***
*Great Hall. OWLs in progress*
Everyone: *Silent*
Fred and George: *Not*
Umbridge: *Angry*
Fred and George: *Not*
Fireworks: *Exploding*
Fred and George: *Not*
Harry: *Fainting*
Fred and George: *Not*
Harry: *Having vision of Sirius being tortured by Voldemort*
Fred and George: *Not. Of course they wouldn't, why would they? It's Harry's thoughts that Voldemort can manipulate and as far as we know Voldemort has no issue with the Weasley twins. He might even find humour in their rebellious and renegade ways. Much like he himself was as a youngster, although with substantially less murders in this case*
***
*Umbridge's Office*
Harry: We'll need to travel to the Department of Mysteries by floo powder. Umbridge's fireplace is the only one not monitored
Umbridge: Yes, not monitored because I can simply watch over it myself
*The Inquisitorial Squad show up with members of Dumbledore's Army, who we are led to believe have something to do with the plan although nothing we have seen would suggest this*
Malfoy: I caught this one helping the Weasley girl
Harry: Malfoy, this is the first time I've heard you talk this year
Malfoy: Yeah but I'm planning a huge barrage of insults to hit you with in our final year
Harry: I look forward to it
Snape: You called me, Umby? Run out of anti-aging potion?
Umbridge: I've got a vial or two left. I'll need some veritaserum to interrogate Potter
Snape: Fresh out. So unless you want to protect Potter against the seven signs of aging then I'm afraid I can't help you
Harry: He's got Padfoot. He's got Padfoot at the place where it's hidden
Umbridge: He has Padfoot at the place where it's hidden? Sounds like a crappy Cluedo guess. What does he mean, Snape?
Snape: No idea. I'm a Monopoly man myself *leaves*
Umbridge: Well then, I suppose the Cruciatus curse might loosen your tongue a little
Hermione: NO! Harry, if you won't tell her then I will
Umbridge: Tell me what? That I don't look a day over 25?
Hermione: About Dumbledore's secret weapon. We'll take you to it. But me and Harry will only take you. No cops or the old lady get it
Umbridge: Old lady?
Hermione: It's an expression I heard once. Let's say Filch. No cops or Filch gets it
Umbridge: Deal
***
*Forbidden Forest*
Umbridge: Is it much further?
Hermione: Oh, not really. Just past the volcanic mountains, over the pit of death, through the valley of the lost, around the swamp of no return, then a detour through Leeds. No wait, here we are. *Sees broken rope* On second though, we may need that pit of death
Harry: Maybe the secret weapon is something inside us all. Or maybe it has something to do with that angry pack of centaurs
Hermione: Yes maybe it has something to do with that angry pack of….say what?
Centaurs: *Carry off Umbridge (as opposed to 'Carry On Umbridge' which would be a delightful comedic romp)*
Umbridge: Help! Tell them I mean no harm!
Harry: I'm sorry professor, I must not tell lies. Hehe, see what I did there? If they carried you off I would have said; "I'm sorry Hermione, but I'm going to bed before you come up with another idea to get us killed, or worse, carried off by a pack of angry centaurs"
***
*Diggory Bridge (seemed appropriate to dedicate something to him, but the new toilet block just didn't feel right)*
Hermione: How did you guys escape?
Ron: I told them I was hungry, and the inquisitorial squad ate the sweets I took out of my pocket. They'll be sick for hours
Hermione: Fred and George's puking pastels?
Ron: No, milk duds. How did you get rid of Umbridge?
Harry: Kinda like your story, except replace inquisitorial squad with Umbridge, and the milk duds with jetpacks
Hermione: Jetpacks?
Harry: I wanted our story to sound cool
Hermione: The fact that it had centaurs makes it cool
Ron: Did the centaurs have jet packs?
Hermione: No
Ron: Then the story's not cool
Hermione: Whatever. Does anyone have any ideas for how we're going to get to the Ministry?
*Everyone puts their hands up*
Hermione: That doesn't involve jetpacks?
*Everyone except Ron puts their hands down*
Hermione: Or rocket-powered skis?
*Ron keeps hand up*
Hermione: Or a marshmallow throne carried aloft by a team of sloths?
*Ron keeps hand up*
Hermione: OK Ron, go ahead
Ron: Jetpacks. No wait, you mentioned that. Forget it
Luna: How about we ride those hideous omens of death that only Harry and I can see?
Hermione: The fact that that's the best suggestion we've had makes me very, very sad
Ron: Wait a minute. If we see someone die, we'll be able to see the thestrals as we ride them
Harry: Neville, remember how we spoke about you dying with honour…?
***
*Department of Mysteries*
Harry: Aisle 95, toilet paper and cleaning products. Sirius should be here
Neville: Harry, this ball has your name on it
Harry: And this one has your name on it. It also says "If the fat lump gives this a squeeze, he'll remember to fall on his fat arse". You might want to hold onto this, Neville
Neville: Duly noted
Prophecy: The one with the power to vanquish the Dark Lord approaches. Here he comes now, I can hear his footsteps. No wait, that's just the cleaning guy. The Dark Lord shall mark him as his equal but he shall have power the Dark Lord know not. The one with the power to vanquish him, I mean, not the cleaning guy. For neither can live while the other survives
Harry: Ooh, hang on, that might be important. Let me grab a pen and paper
*Death Eater approaches*
Harry: Where's Sirius?
Death Eater: Shame, you just missed him. He was totally looking forward to seeing you, too
*Death Eater unmasks to reveal himself as Lucius*
Lucius: Notice how I'm always the only Death Eater to unmask. I like to get my face out there, meet new people, make friends. You wouldn't believe how many barbeques I get invited to. I'd get invited to even more, but you know, I kill a lot of the people I meet
Harry: Where's Sirius?
Lucius: You really need to learn the difference between dreams and reality. You only saw what the Dark Lord wanted you to see. It's like he's the projectionist, and you're the cinema-goer. You thought you were there to see Toy Story 2, but he's mixed up the reels and you're stuck with Monster-in-Law
Harry: Where the hell is Sirius?!
Lucius: Oh you teens today are so difficult to talk to. It's all me, me, me. How does this affect me? What's in it for me? What have you done with my uncle? You're all the same. Hand over the prophecy
Harry: If you do anything to us, I'll break it
Bellatrix: If we do anything to you? Anything? What if we give you gifts? Will you break it then?
Neville: Bellatrix Lestrange!
Bellatrix: Present. How's mum and dad?
Neville: Better, now that they're about to be avenged
Lucius: Now, let's everybody just calm down. Chillax, as the kids say. Let's breathe in, hold it, now breathe out. Take a warm bubblebath if you need it, I've just put on a pot of tea. We can listen to some Dido if that'll help. All we want is that prophecy
Harry: Why did Voldemort need me to come and get this?
Bellatrix: You dare speak his name? And not even one of his nicknames. Not You-Know-Who, He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, Admiral Awesome, Elmer Fudd, The Great White Hope, Kojak…
Lucius: That's enough, Bellatrix
Bellatrix: Paul Shaffer, Quirrel's better half…
Lucius: Enough! Harry, haven't you always wanted to know why you are the way you are?
Hermione: Dorky?
Ginny: Annoying?
Neville: Short?
Ron: Lacking 20/20 vision?
Bellatrix: Bad fashion sense?
Luna: Hung like a mouse?
Harry: Well I always…hung like a mouse?
Luna: Me and Hermione talk
Lucius: Haven't you always wanted to know?
Harry: I've waited 14 years, I can wait a little longer. *Blasts the shelves* Clean up, aisle 95!
***
*Veil room*
Voices: *Whisper*
Harry: The voices? Can you tell what they're saying?
Hermione: There aren't any voices, Harry
Harry: Oh great, it's another one of those things
Luna: I hear them too
Harry: Oh great, it's another one of those things
Death Eaters: Surprise! *Each one grabs a student*
Lucius: If we'd brought just one more Death Eater, we would be in complete control here. Avery couldn't have picked a worse time to go on maternity leave. Potter, give me the prophecy now, or watch your friends die
Order: Surprise!
Sirius: *Punches Malfoy*
Hermione: Pfft, I totally punched a Malfoy two years ago
Prophecy: *Breaks*
Everyone: *Fights*
Moody: *Dances*
Sirius: *Dies*
Moody: *Dances*
Harry: *Chases Bellatrix to the foyer* Crucio!
Voldemort: You've got to mean it, Harry. She killed him. She deserves it. You know the spell, Harry. At least, I assume she killed him. That's what she was saying, but I missed the big fight because I went to the wrong building. I ended up in some seedy joint called 'Mammaries of Magic'
Dumbledore: It was foolish of you to come here tonight, Tom
Bellatrix: Tom? That's not on the list
Dumbledore: The Aurer's are on their way. You should consider yourself lucky that the Ministry slumber party was moved to tomorrow night
Voldemort: By which time I shall be gone, you shall be dead, and Moody shall be dressed as an English nanny and calling himself Mrs Pennywhistle
*An almighty battle ensues in which Voldemort creates a fire snake, Dumbledore creates a Voldemort washing machine ball, Voldemort uses a move he calls the 'Riddle Nipple Cripple' and Harry sits around looking concerned*
Voldemort: *Enters Harry's body*
Harry: *Convulses*
Dumbledore: Harry, it isn't how you are alike, it's how you are not
Harry: *Still convulses*
Dumbledore: Hmm, didn't work. Harry, the differences between us are decided by the choices we make
Harry: *Still convulses*
Dumbledore: Still not working. Harry, everybody have fun tonight, everybody Wang Chang tonight
Harry: You're the weak one, and you'll never know love or friendship. And I feel sorry for you
Dumbledore: Hey, that hurts
Harry: Not you, Voldemort
Dumbledore: Well you were looking at me when you said it
Voldemort: *Leaves Harry* You're a fool, Harry Potter. And you will lose everything. Your friends, you mind, your keys, everything. Even though you keep them on that ring in your wallet
Aurers: *Arrive*
Voldemort: *Leaves*
Moody: *Dances*
Cleaners: *Don't arrive. Which is a shame, as they'd sure be useful right now*
***
*Dumbledore's Office*
Dumbledore: I know how you feel, Harry
Harry: No you don't. I'm getting pimples, I'm noticing girls, and I'm growing hair in new places
Dumbledore: I thought we were here to talk about Voldemort
Harry: Now everything's about Voldemort, I have other problems too
Dumbledore: Evidently
Harry: I feel like it's my fault
Dumbledore: The hair thing?
Harry: The Sirius thing
Dumbledore: The fault is mine. I thought by ignoring you and doing nothing at all to help you in this life-threatening situation that everything would turn out fine. I don't know why I ever thought that was a good idea in the first place. Still, there have been weirder ideas in this place. Why the hell did Barty Crouch Jr set up such an elaborate series of events in an attempt to get you to the graveyard?
Harry: The prophecy said "Neither can live while the other one survives". It means one of us is gonna have to kill the other, in the end
Dumbeldore: Yes
Harry: And if we don't? What's going to happen? We've lived simultaneously for a year now and everything seems fine. What possible consequences could there be?
Dumbeldore:…bad things
Harry: Why didn't you tell me these things?
Dumbledore: For the same reason you tried to save Sirius. For the same reason your friends saved you. After all these years, after all you've suffered; I didn't want to cause you any more pain. I care too much about you
Harry:…it's because you're an idiot, isn't it?
Dumbledore:…yes. I mean, why didn't Crouch just bewitch a pencil and hand it to you?
***
*Grounds*
Harry: I've been thinking about something Dumbledore said to me
Ron: Of course, Harry. You're growing hair there because you're becoming a man
Harry: No, something else. Even though we've got a fight ahead of us, we've got one thing that Voldemort doesn't have
Ron: Hair?
Hermione: Real names?
Neville: Ron?
Harry: No, something worth fighting for
Ron: Hair?
Harry: I meant each other. Now onwards to Lovely Lodge!
THE END