Every Dave/John Fan Fiction Ever Written Ever

By flightyBroad

It all started when John had suggested they watch Con-Air for the umpteenth time this week. Dave, of course, had said, "No dude, that movie sucks. It's not ironic enough."

"Dave, please? I like, really totally love this movie!"

John, who knew exactly how to get his way with Dave, pulled method #3: Puppy dog eyes. Dave glared back into the deep baby blues wide on John's face before giving in.

John popped the movie into the DVD player and sat back onto the couch. Dave pretended to yawn and draped his long, skinny-yet-toned arm across John's little girly shoulders.

"Dave, I am not a homosexual!" said John for the umpteenth time.

"Yes you are, John. You just don't want to admit it."

"Okay yes I am." said John, giving in.

"Yay now we ironically make out."

They started making out. Dave did tons of ironic things with his tongue.

"Dave," said John in a breathy, yaoi voice, "I love you."

"I love you too, dude, sup." said Dave. He bit John's neck and gave him his 22nd hickey. John yelped like the uke he was.

Then they did it on the couch.

Dave topped, of course, as he had loads of sexual experience, that sly seme mofo, and John was the blushing virgin all night long.

Afterwards, Dave put his hands behind his head like assholes do in movies and smoked a cigarette while John snuggled up to him like he fell out of his iron lung, and that iron lung was Dave.

John later came out as a homosexual, which surprised nobody because he denied being a homosexual all the time, god damn. And nobody knew what to say about Dave because he was so dark and mysterious.

For their one year anniversary they ate a truck load of Betty Crocker cake and drank apple juice all day while Dave broke swords and John forgot how to do anything but the Windy Thing.

The End.

Just to clarify, I don't have a big whining Tumblr girl problem with this pairing. I like it. I'm just playing on overused themes and stereotypes that this pairing in particular is often saddled with, such as John's most popular, "I am not a homosexual!" line being used all the fucking time, and Dave's cool kid attitude being overdramatic and unrealistic. Holy shit.