Hi De Hi
Episode Title - The Men in Chalet 118
With special guest stars
Stuart MacGugan as Mr Cooper
Trevor Bannister as Mr Grayson
Radio Maplin... Gladys Pugh
Plink plink plink...
Gladys- Hi De Hi !
Campers outside - Ho De Ho !
Gladys- This is Radio Maplin here and your announcer Gladys with some important news. So many people have entered the plate spinning competition this week that the final has been cancelled because of a request from the canteen. We apologise if you had to eat your breakfast, this morning, off of newspapers. The good news is that we have a full programme of fun at the Olympic size swimming pool including the holding your breath competition and the eating a pie underwater competition. Hope to see you all there. On the subject of water let's have a nice song, shall we ? It's "By A Waterfall" made famous by Janette Macdonald. ( Puts on record and sings"By a Waterfall" )
Outside chalets... Mr Partridge and Fred
Mr Partridge- Listen to that silly cow ! "By a blooming Waterfall" ! Who's old enough to remember songs like that ?"
Fred- You are !
Mr Partridge- Exactly ! I am ! And I don't even like it. It's awful ! Bad enough when Janette Macdonald sung it but that ... it defies description.
Outside other chalets ... Ted and Spike. Spike is dressed as a 'funny' Carmen Miranda in a bright frock with a bowl of fruit on his head.
Spike- Honestly Ted, this bowl of fruit weighs a ton.
Ted- it's your own fault, Spike, I told you not to use real fruit.
Spike- I didn't want to use real fruit, Ted, I couldn't get any plastic ones.
Ted- I didn't want to tell you before but the birds have been pecking at it.
Spike- Have they really ?
Ted- Yeh, but look on the bright side. By the time they've finished it'll be a lot lighter !
Spike- Not really. It's a real ceramic bowl as well, I couldn't get a plastic one of that either. I'm sure I'm two inches shorter than I was first thing this morning.
Ted- Hey look, Spike, there's those two fellas I was telling you about.
( Two young men - one is very muscular and wearing shorts and a vest, the other is smaller and dressed in purple corduroy trousers, a shirt and a cravat - are buying an item from the camp news-stand. It is a copy of a body building magazine with a Charles Atlas type posing on the cover. )
Spike- Blimey, Ted, I think you're right about them two. Look at that magazine.
Ted- Keep your voice down Spike. There's no doubt about it, they're a pair of poofs. We'll have to do something about this.
Spike- Do something ? Like what ?
Ted- I don't know but we'll start by talking to Jeff. He'll know a bit about this kind of thing. He was at university.
Spike-I think that's rather a sweeping statement Ted, but I agree, we'll need to speak to Mr Fairbrother.
Fairbrother's office... Jeffrey at desk, Gladys pottering about.
Gladys- Did you hear my rendition of "By A Waterfall" this morning Jeff, I mean, Mr Fairbrother ?
Jeffrey- Yes, of course I did, Gladys. The speaker is just outside my office. I could hardly avoid hearing it... not that I'd want to avoid hearing it of course.
Gladys- I should think not. You know, I've been compared in the past to Janette Macdonald.
Jeffrey-( somewhat disbelievingly ) Have you really ?
Gladys- Yes, I have.
Jeffrey- You mean, your voice ?
Gladys- Yes, I mean my voice. I sing very like her actually. I know I don't look much like her...
Jeffrey- No you don't.
Ted and Spike enter...
Ted- Jeff, I need another word about those two poofs.
Gladys- Pardon ? What two poofs ?
Ted- The two poofs in chalets 118 and 119. Remember I mentioned them yesterday.
Jeffrey- Oh yes, you did. Well, what about them ?
Ted- What about them ? They're going round the camp as brazen as you like. They just bought a 'muscle man' magazine at the newspaper stand. You'll have to do something about them, discreetly mind.
Jeffrey- Do something about them ?
Ted- Yes, do something. The other campers will notice something sooner or later. There's little kiddies in the camp, remember. I don't mean calling the police, of course, Joe Maplin wouldn't want the scandal.
Jeffrey- Well, maybe the best way to avoid a scandal is to do nothing. Just leave them to it. I saw a lot of this kind of thing at university.
Gladys- You actually saw it ? With your own eyes ?
Jeffrey- Well, no Gladys, I didn't see it as such. I mean that I was aware of it at university. The point I'm trying to make is that ... well, you know, what two chaps want to do in the privacy of their own home and all that.
Ted- They're not in their own home, they're in a holiday camp - your holiday camp. Jeff, it's a tricky situation but you can't just do nothing. It's illegal for a start.
Gladys- Well, just a minute Ted. What your saying might be illegal as well. We have laws in this country regarding slander, you know. It's a very serious matter calling a man a 'poof'.
Jeffrey- That's quite right, Gladys. I mean, what poof do we have, I mean what proof do we have ?
Ted- I told you yesterday. They arrived together, two men. They've booked two chalets right next to each other. They've told me that their wives are coming down later in the week...
Jeffrey- Ah well, there you are.
Ted- Don't be daft, Jeff, they're are no wives. They're making it up. That's the oldest trick in the book. They're always hanging about together, they haven't looked at a woman since they arrived. I've been watching them carefully.
Gladys- If you've been watching them that closely, maybe they'll think it's YOU who's a poof.
Ted- Dont be facetious Gladys, anyway one of them wears shorts and a vest to show off his muscles, the other one wears purple corduroy trousers and a cravat.
Jeffrey- Purple corduroy trousers ?
Gladys- Is that bad ?
Jeffrey- Yes, Gladys, it is. That's almost a uniform for their type. We'll have to take this quite seriously.
Ted- As I say, we can't go to the police but at the same time, we can't just let them, you know, do ... ( shudders ) ... we can't just let them get on with it. Like I said, one of the other campers might report it and then ... scandal, left right and centre. We don't need to do anything violent, like duff them up and chuck them out. We just need to move them in to chalets that are further apart or try and put bromide in their breakfast. Something subtle like that.
Spike- I wonder if I might just put in my four penny worth ?
Ted- We've all been waiting for you to do that.
Spike- Well, it's nothing special. It's just that, well, I don't understand why any man would want to ... would want to do that ! I mean, it's unnatural, it's abnormal, it's disgusting, a man should be a man...
Peggy enters
Peggy- Hoi Spike, your stocking seams aren't straight. Oh, why all the glum faces ? What's up ?
Ted- Well, Spike was just telling us that real men should be real men until you mentioned his crooked stocking seams.
Spike- Now, just a minute Ted, I'm dressed like this for a laugh. It's a bit of fun, it's my job !
Ted- I know that Spike, I'm just taking the Mickey.
Jeffrey- Peggy, have you noticed two men staying in chalets 118 and 119 ? Actually, Ted, what are their names ?
Ted- Mr Grayson is one of them and the other is Mr Cooper. So they say.
Polly- Oh, Mr Cooper, he's the one with the vest and the muscles. Ooh, he looks great. I think he's entering the Maplins Mr Universe competition tomorrow night.
Spike- That could explain the 'muscle' magazine.
Jeffrey- Yes, but there's still those purple corduroy trousers, remember.
Peggy- He loves his big muscles does Mr Cooper. He asked me where he could buy baby oil on the camp. ( She poses grotesquely Charles Atlas style. )
Ted- Baby oil ?
Jeffrey- They wanted to buy baby oil ?
Peggy- Yes, for his muscles he said. I sent them to the nurse. I think they got some, it's OK.
Ted- it's not OK Peggy.
Jeffrey- Do you know any more about these two men Peggy. Have they said anything else to you.
Peggy- No, why ? What's wrong with them.
Gladys- None of your business Peggy.
Jeffrey- Well, the fact is Peggy. We think they might be homosexuals. ( Peggy smiles blankly ) Do you know what a homosexual is, Peggy ?
Peggy- Eh, no. Is it the same as ( she puts on an inane American accent ) homicidal ?
Ted- No Peggy, it's worse.
Jeffrey- Now just a moment. Ted, why don't we ask Peggy to make friends with these two, try to get close to them. If either of them show any interest in her, then we'll know that, well, you know. It's not what we think.
Peggy- How do you mean ? What DO we think ? What IS a homosexual anyway ?
Gladys- I think we'd need someone a little more alluring than Peggy. She's not exactly Sophia Loren is she ? Just because a man doesn't fancy her, that wouldn't prove anything.
Peggy- That's not nice Gladys !
Jeffrey- Yes, I think you've gone a bit far there Gladys. Peggy, you're an absolutely lovely girl but I think we'd need someone a little more worldly than you. There might be some risk.
Gladys- In that case, ask Sylvia. If you need someone to chuck themselves at a man, she's got all the worldliness you could need.
Ted- OK. Spike, you and I will have a word with Sylvia.
Jeffrey- You organise that Ted. In the meantime, Peggy, I'm going to explain to you what homosexual means, just so you understand what's going on. ( Ted and Spike leave the office and go to the staff room. In the staff room are Fred, Mr Partridge and Sylvia. )
Ted- Have any of you noticed those two fellas, Mr Grayson and Mr Cooper in the camp.
Fred- The big bloke with the muscles and his sidekick ? The one who wears the purple corduroy trousers ?
Mr Partridge- Oho, purple corduroy trousers eh ?
Ted- Exactly, we think they're fully paid up members of the limp wristed brigade.
Mr Partridge- Gay !
Ted- I beg your pardon ?
Mr Partridge- Gay ! That's the word they use to describe themselves. Especially in America. Instead of saying homo they call themselves 'gay' !
Spike- How do you know ?
Mr Partridge- I've been around a bit. I've met all sorts.
Spike- Anyway, why would they be called 'gay' ? Gay means happy ! They can't be happy.
Ted- Quite right Spike, they can't be happy if they don't get any crumpet. Sylvia, Mr Fairbrother has asked me to ask you to try and ... shall we say, attract these two men if you see what I mean. So that we can be sure, one way or the other so to speak.
Sylvia- What, just me and TWO men ?
Ted- Oh, right enough, can you get Betty in on it too. I want you two chucking yourselves at those two fellas like there's no tomorrow !
Gladys- ( entering from office ) Just another ordinary night for you really Sylvia !
Sylvia- If they're really the way you think they are they might prefer an older woman, a sort of mother figure. ( She looks daggers at Gladys )
Ted- Now then ladies.
Sylvia- Anyway, what do Betty and I get out of all this ? If they're a pair of shirt lifters, we're on to a loser before we start.
Ted- You're getting the night off, that's what you get out of it. You get dolled up, have a great night in the Hawaiian Ballroom, all the drinks you want and a couple of men to chat up !
Gladys- Nothing there you can't handle ... on a regular basis in fact. ( Sylvia storms out ) And take your hands out of your pockets.
( Peggy exits the office in shock and staggers stupified out of the staff room )
Ted- Looks like Jeffrey's explained that to her.
Fred- You don't get horses like that. You know, poof horses. They wouldn't do it, too much respect I suppose. They're noble animals are horses.
Ted- I suppose you're quite right Fred. Anyway, how could a horse get purple corduroy trousers over his hooves ? Now, Spike, do you still have your 'funny poof' costume ?
Spike- Oh come on Ted, the campers don't like that one. I've only worn it once and the campers threw me in the pool.
Gladys- Well, they always do that.
Spike- It was emptied for cleaning at the time. It's lucky they picked the shallow end by mistake or I'd have been killed.
Ted- Go and put it on.
Spike- Just a minute. What for ?
Ted- You're going to do the same as Sylvia and Betty. You're going to chuck yourself at them. If they try anything with you ...
Spike- If they try anything with me, you won't see me for dust.
Ted- if they try anything with you, that will be all the proof we need and we can chuck them out of the camp. Maybe duff them up a bit too.
Spike- No, I'm sorry Ted, I'm not doing it. I couldn't face that. I won't, and that's final.
Outside - Spike is wearing a grotesque funny poof outfit - bright red shirt trimmed with gold, polka dot cravat, purple trousers, a long wavy haired wig and a large book with 'Complete works of Oscar Wilde' emblazoned on it. Ted stands beside him. A family walk by...
Wife- oh my goodness, look at that !
Husband- You all right there you big pansy !
Spike- That's right folks, I'm a big poof. ( Laughs. )
Husband- It's lucky I know you're really the camp comic or I'd give you a bunch of fives.
Wife- Oh, the camp comic ! Camp, you get it ?
Husband- Oh yes, camp. ( They walk off laughing. )
Spike- Oh this is horrendous, Ted.
Ted- Never mind, Spike, let's just find those two homos.
( A large group of men appear and grab Spike. They carry him away. )
Man- Come on lads, let's drown a poof ! ( They throw Spike in to the pool with a loud splash. )
Ted and Spike's chalet. Spike is changing out of the wet costume.
Spike- I told you that wouldn't work. I told you I wouldn't get ten yards as a poof. Funny or otherwise.
Ted- For once, Spike, you were quite right.
Spike- It's a pity the campers can't chuck those two real poofs into the pool. Drown them and the problem would be solved.
Ted- We'll consider that as Plan B for the moment. In the meantime, it's all down to Sylvia and Betty.
A public payphone in the camp. Mr Cooper is on the 'phone while Mr Grayson stands beside him.
Mr Cooper- It's a terrible line, love, I can hardly hear you. OK, you'll be arriving tomorrow at midday, is that right.
Split screen show Mrs Cooper on the other end of the line. ( Special guest star Wendy Richards as Mrs Cooper )
Mrs Cooper- That's right, Honeybun, at midday. Oh I can't wait to see you again.
Mr Cooper- I can't wait to see you as well, Scrumptious.
Mr Grayson- For goodness sake Harry, you only left her on Saturday.
Mr Cooper- ( To Mr Grayson ) I miss her, OK, Roy, it's the first time we've been separated since we got married. ( To 'phone ) It's OK love, it's just Roy.
Mrs Cooper- Oh, give him my best wishes and tell him that Sandra sends her love.
Mr Cooper- ( To Mr Grayson ) Sandra sends her love. ( Mr Grayson smiles. )
Mrs Cooper- I hope you're looking your best for the Mr Universe competition.
Mr Cooper- ( To 'phone ) You bet, Sugar Pie. I've got my trunks, fake tan,baby oil, the lot. This one's in the bag. By tomorrow night, I'll have won the Maplins Mr Universe competition in three separate camps. That will all but guarantee me a place in the Mr Great Britain competition. This is the start of something big.
Mrs Cooper- Oh, it's always something big with you ! ( Laughs saucily. )
Mr Cooper- Yeh, you can say that again, Dimples. ( Mr Grayson grimaces. )
Mr Grayson- Dimples ! Honestly. You two.
Mr Cooper- All right, Honey, take care, bless you, we'll see you and Sandra tomorrow, OK. Yes, of course I do... yes, of course I will... Yes, of course I have... ( Mr Grayson rolls his eyes ) What ? I can't say that on the'phone. No, somebody might be listening, well Roy's listening for a start. ( Laughs. Mr Grayson takes the 'phone.)
Mr Grayson- Listen, Dumplings, Mr Beefy's got to go now. Cheerio Joan. ( Puts the 'phone down. ) Come on Casanova, let's get down the pool.
The Olympic sized swimming pool. Mr Grayson and Mr Cooper on sun loungers.
Mr Cooper- Look at this scrawny lot, honestly, there's more meat on a dog's bone.
Mr Grayson- There's no competition here, Harry, the Mr Universe competition will be a walkover.
Mr Cooper- You bet, mate, and then it's Mr Great Britain. ( He flexes his biceps and Mr Grayson reaches out and squeezes them. Gladys and Jeffrey look on in horror from behind a bush. )
Gladys- Look at that, absolutely brazen.
Between chalets. Sylvia and Betty are dressed in very fancy, revealing frocks and walking together. They meet Peggy.
Sylvia- What do you think Peggy ?
Peggy- You both look lovely.
Betty- Thank you Peggy. We're not looking forward to this though. I hope they turn out to be normal !
Peggy- I don't half wish I were getting dolled up too.
Sylvia- But the whole things a waste of time, Peggy, these two men won't be in the least bit interested in us anyway.
Betty- That's quite right Peggy,
Peggy- All the same, it would be nice. ( Sylvia and Betty look at each other and Sylvia reaches in to her handbag. )
Sylvia- Here, Peggy, go back to my chalet and borrow the black and white dress in my wardrobe. It should fit you, I think. Then join us at the Hawaiian Ballroom - the more the merrier I suppose.
( Peggy takes the key and rushes off while Sylvia and Betty walk in the opposite direction. )
The Hawaiian Ballroom. Crowded with entire cast as well as Mr Grayson and Mr Cooper who are sitting at a table. Music playing. Couples dancing. Sylvia and Betty arrive.
Jeffrey- I say, you two look quite wonderful, don't they Gladys ? ( Gladys glares at Sylvia and Betty. )
Gladys- I'm sure they'll look very alluring to a couple of drunk men who've never had a woman before.
Sylvia- I told you before Gladys, if you want to do this then go right ahead.
Betty- We're not keen on this at all.
Ted- Anyway, they aren't drunk. They're drinking fruit juice.
Sylvia- They're stone cold sober ? This could be a lot harder than I thought.
Jeffrey- Well, maybe you'd better make a start right now.
Spike- Good luck girls.
Ted- Be careful.
Gladys- ( grudgingly ) Go on, get it over with.
( The cast watch as Sylvia and Betty approach Mr Grayson and Mr Cooper. There is much smiling and touching of hands on shoulders etc. Sylvia and Betty are very friendly but Mr Grayson and Mr Cooper behave very negatively. Sylvia wraps her chiffon scarf round Mr Grayson's head but he pulls it away. Betty sits on Mr Cooper's knee but is gently though firmly pushed off. Sylvia starts undoing Mr Grayson's cravat. Betty throws her arms round Mr Cooper's neck causing him to spill his drink down his shirt and trousers. )
Jeffrey- It doesn't look as though it's going awfully well Ted.
Ted- It doesn't actually have to go awfully well, does it ? We're trying to find out if they're poofs and I think we've got the answer.
Gladys- What are they doing now ?
( Mr Cooper is trying to walk out of the ballroom but Sylvia is clinging round his waist and is dragged along the floor till she is forced to let go. Mr Grayson tries to leave as well but Betty pulls him so hard that his jacket sleeve comes off. Mr Cooper and Mr Grayson pause and try to restore some dignity as everyone has stopped dancing and is laughing at them. )
Ted- ( To the twins ) Get in there lads ! ( The twins rush over to Mr Grayson and Mr Cooper )
Twin 1- Hello butch !
Twin 2- Hiya big boy !
Mr Cooper- I think you two would be better off with him ! ( Points to Barry )
Yvonne- How dare you!
Mr Grayson- This place is a madhouse ! ( They storm out as far as the door where they meet Peggy dressed in a revealing, vampish gown complete with pillbox fascinator hat, peacock feather fan, cigarette in a long holder and, of course, her glasses ruining the whole effect by making her look typically tragi-comic. )
Peggy- ( In Marlene Dietrich style accent ) Now vere are you two handsome men going ? I've had my eye on you zis evening for some time. ( The veil of her hat gets stuck between her lips and she spits it out. ) Maybe you'd like to come back to my chalet ? ( She jerks her head back to get the veil out of her mouth and her hat falls off. She throws her arms round Mr Cooper. )
Mr Cooper- Flaming Nora, another one. What's wrong with this place ?
Mr Grayson- No offence, love, but just go away.
Peggy- Vy ? Vat is ze matter vit you ?
Mr Cooper- We don't like German girls. Sorry.
Mr Grayson- More tarts here than Mr Kipling ! ( They walk quickly away. )
Inside the Hawaiian Ballroom - main cast -
Ted- That's that then, we don't need any more proof. They're a pair of homos !
Jeffrey- We have strong suspicions Ted but still no proof.
Gladys- Those two were hopeless, especially you Sylvia - I've seen you throwing yourself at male campers more enthusiastically than that in the past.
Sylvia- Well I'm finished with the whole thing. ( She throws her chiffon scarf at Gladys. )
Betty- Same here. ( She throws Mr Grayson's jacket sleeve at Gladys. Sylvia and Betty storm out. )
Ted- Jeff, you and Spike follow me. We're going over to their chalets. ( They walk quickly out, followed by Gladys and Peggy. )
Inside chalet 118 - Mr Cooper and Mr Grayson
Mr Grayson- I've never seen anything like it ! Chucking themselves at us !
Mr Cooper- It seemed a bit much but, they probably don't know we're married. Maybe they do that for all the single fellas that come here.
Mr Grayson- ALL of them ! I doubt it... ( Slyly ) I must admit, I quite fancied your one. The one with the chiffon scarf.
Mr Cooper- Just remember you're married to my sister - you mess around with any one else and it won't be a chiffon scarf you need it'll be a roll of bandages.
Mr Grayson- OK Harry, I'm joking.
Mr Cooper- Me too, mate, she was a real looker wasn't she ?
Outside chalet - Ted, Jeffrey, Spike, Gladys and Peggy gather at window. There is a fire extinguisher fitted to the wall between chalet 118 and 119. There is a doormat at each entrance. Spike looks through the window where the curtains are drawn but not completely shut.
Ted- ( Whispering ) What can you see Spike ?
Spike- They're just talking to each other.
Ted- They're both in there ... together ?
Spike- Yes.
Ted- Let's have a look.
Inside -
Mr Cooper- Let me show you what I've got. It was Joan's idea, she made it but it's horrible. ( He holds up an object - it is a sparse wig of dark hair. ) It's for my chest, you see ? ( He strips off his shirt and holds the chest wig in position. ) It sticks on with double sided tape, you see ? Gives me a hairier look but I'm not keen.
Mr Grayson- It's awful, mate, I mean it looks terrible. You can't wear that !
Mr Cooper- I think you're dead right. ( They both laugh as Mr Grayson runs his fingers through the chest 'hair' )
Outside - Ted and Jeffrey are both looking through the curtain. Jeffrey is physically shocked.
Jeffrey- Ted, you're quite right about them. What do we do ? Call the police ?
Ted- Only if you want the camp closed down and your cards from Joe Maplin. It's time for plan B !
Gladys- Which is ?
Ted- ( Picks up doormat and starts setting fire to it ) we burn them out !
Jeffrey- I'm not sure about that !
Spike- Ted, you can't kill them !
Ted- I'm not going to kill anyone, Spike, now move back. I'm just going to cool their ardour a bit ! ( He puts the burning door mat down on the step and waits a few seconds, wafting the smoke under the door with his hands. He bangs the door. ) Fire ! Fire ! ( He grabs the fire extinguisher from the wall. Mr Cooper opens the door. )
Mr Cooper- What on earth is ... ( Ted sprays him with the fire extinguisher and sprays past him in to the room as well. )
Ted- We're very sorry, but there was a fire.
Mr Cooper- ( soaked and with his chest wig slowly falling off ) There was no sign of a fire here 10 minutes ago.
Gladys- It started very suddenly. We've had very hot weather these last few days.
Spike- You'd be amazed how many fires we've had just recently.
Peggy- You're very lucky we were passing.
Jeffrey- Yes, quite a stroke of luck.
Mr Grayson- ( appearing at door ) What, you were all just passing here at the same time ?
Jeffrey- On our way back to the office, as a matter of fact. ( Mr Cooper and Mr Grayson look completely unconvinced. )
Ted- Anyway, your chalet is ruined, just look at it.
Mr Cooper- It was you that bleedin' ruined it with that fire extinguisher.
Ted- Yes I'm very sorry but not to worry, we can fix you up with some alternative accommodation for the night.
Mr Grayson- It's no great bother, we can both sleep in my chalet, next door, number 119.
Spike- You can't sleep together in there !
Mr Cooper- Whyever not ?
Spike- Well... er ... Ted, why can't they sleep together in there ?
Ted- No reason at all, I suppose. ( He steps carefully backwards towards chalet 119 with the fire extinguisher under his arm.
Gladys- No reason at all ? But Ted, we can't, you know...( Ted smashes the fire extinguisher through the window of chalet 119. )
Ted- ( unconvincingly ) Oh dear, I AM sorry, you won't be able to sleep in there now.
Mr Grayson- You broke that quite deliberately.
Jeffrey- Now, I'm sure he didn't, did you Ted ?
Ted- Certainly not. Now, let's get you sorted out. There are two spare chalets you can use - chalet 4 and chalet 390.
Mr Cooper- But we wanted chalets next to each other.
Ted- I'm sure you did.
Mr Grayson- Are they double chalets ?
Ted- No, they're single chalets - single, you understand, and no visitors allowed.
Mr Cooper- But our wives are coming tomorrow. We need double chalets and we want to be next to each other. This is ridiculous, I want to speak to the manager. ( Jeffrey steps forward and shakes his hand. )
Jeffrey- Jeffrey Fairbrother, entertainments manager, good evening. Lovely to meet you, it's Mr Grayson and Mr Cooper isn't it ? Let's get things sorted out, shall we, with a minimum of fuss. Ted, Spike, help the gentlemen with their things. ( Ted, Spike, Peggy and Gladys begin pulling everything out of the chalets - somewhat less than gently. ) We can organise better accommodation in the morning as soon as... well, as soon as your wives arrive.
Ted- Spike, careful you don't break their bottle of baby oil ! ( He glares at Mr Cooper and Mr Grayson who are both furious and perplexed. )
Next morning - the staff room - most of cast present including Ted, Jeffrey, Gladys, Mr Partridge, Fred, Barry and Yvonne, Sylvia and Betty.
Ted- Well, last night was quite a success, we got those two queers stuck at opposite ends of the camp.
Jeffrey- Ted, last night was a total shambles. You had no right to start fires or break windows.
Yvonne- I heard that Ted nearly burnt down two chalets.
Gladys- Not exactly, Yvonne, but really, Ted, you were out of control.
Sylvia- Well, at least the problems solved. We can relax now.
Ted- Nothing of the sort. We've still got to put the frighteners on those two. Either get them to behave or to leave the camp altogether.
Gladys- Haven't you done enough ? You have to stop now while some of the camp is still standing.
Ted- It's just a matter of an authority figure having a word with them.
Jeffrey- Do you mean me, Ted ? We still have no concrete proof about these two. We didn't really see anything last night.
Ted- You saw one of them running his fingers through the other ones hairy chest ! ( Yvonne reacts with horror and Barrie hugs her. ) Is that not enough ? Anyway, as it happens, Mr Partridge here and Fred have volunteered to help.
Mr Partridge- I don't remember volunteering. You said you'd give me five quid to do it.
Fred- You rotten chiseller, Ted, you only offered me three quid. I'm not doing this for less than five. It's a dangerous thing, impersonating a police officer.
Jeffrey- ( shocked ) Impersonating a police officer ? Ted, what are you doing ?
Ted- You'll see, Jeff. Don't panic.now those two poofs haven't met Fred or Mr Partridge so they don't know them. They're just going to ask a few probing questions that will put the fear of death in to those two. ( Mr Partridge puts on a false beard and Fred puts on a ginger wig then a trilby hat on top of that. They both put on mackintosh type coats.
Jeffrey- If they haven't met before, why do they have to wear disguises ?
Ted- Well, they haven't met but they might have seen each other. Better safe than sorry. Now ( indicates Mr Partridge and Fred ) allow me to introduce Detective Inspector Puncherello and Detective Sergeant Epsom-Downs.
Jeffrey- Absolutely ridiculous, Ted, I absolutely forbid it.
( Mr Cooper and Mr Grayson burst in to the staffroom. Mr Cooper points angrily at Jeffrey. )
Mr Cooper- Right, you're the fellow in charge here and we want some explanations for last night.
Ted- Maybe you'd like to step in to the office.
Mr Cooper- I'd rather speak out here with plenty of witnesses thank you. There's some very odd things happening at this camp. ( He spots Sylvia and Betty ) Aren't you the two that were in the ballroom last night. All over us like a rash.
Mr Grayson- Yes, Harry, you're right. That's them.
Gladys- ( Stepping between Mr Cooper / Mr Grayson and Sylvia / Betty ) This is Mr Fairbrother, our entertainments manager.
Jeffrey- Thank you very much Gladys. Good morning. ( He holds out his hand. )
Mr Cooper- Never mind all that smarm. I want something done about last night - it's unbelievable. Someone tried to burn down the chalet, this lunatic ( Ted ) attacked me with a fire extinguisher and then smashed up the chalet next door. My mate, here, ( Mr Grayson ) and I have spent the night in pokey little single chalets. We've been treated appallingly. I've a good mind to call in the police.
Jeffrey- No need for that, I'm sure.
Ted- There certainly isn't, Jeffrey, because the police are already here.
Jeffrey- Are you sure they're here Ted?
Ted- Of course they are. We called them in to investigate the fire raising at your chalet last night. They might want to investigate other things too. If you know what I mean. ( Looks tellingly at Mr Cooper and Mr Grayson. )
Mr Cooper- I've no idea what you mean, actually.
Mr Partridge- Good morning sir.
Fred- Good morning sir. ( He doffs his trilby. )
Mr Cooper- Oh, you're the police are you ? ( Somewhat subdued ) Well, last night, some idiot set fire to the doormat outside my chalet. I've no idea who it was. Some of this lot, here, ( indicates staff with hand ) were passing and ... well, I suppose they did their best. They put out the fire but flooded the chalet.
Mr Grayson- Don't forget my chalet. He ( Ted ) smashed the window in with the fire extinguisher.
Mr Cooper- Well, Roy, I suppose that could have been an accident as well. In all honesty, it isn't really a police matter. In fact, if we can get some better accommodation arranged, Mr Grayson and I are quite prepared to forget the whole thing.
Mr Partridge- ( Thoughtfully ) That all seems quite elementary, yes, quite elementary. ( Ted clears his throat loudly and glares. ) However, there are a few other matters to clear up.
Fred- I have a few questions to ask too.
Mr Partridge- Have you ?
Fred- Yes, I have been exercising my little grey cells...
Mr Partridge- ( under his breath ) Well go and exercise your horses instead. Leave this to me.
Outside chalet 118 - Two attractive women - one pregnant - accompanied by two young children ( one boy, one girl ) have arrived and are knocking on the door. Mrs Cooper and Mrs Grayson ( Special guest star Elizabeth Sladen )
Mrs Cooper- Harry, are you in there ?
Mrs Grayson- This place looks like a bomb's hit it. Look, this windows all smashed too.
( Spike appears )
Spike- Hello.
Mrs Cooper- Can you help us ?
Spike- I hope so. ( He shakes hands ) I'm Spike Dixon, camp comic.
Mrs Cooper- Well, my name is Joan and this is my friend Sandra. We've just arrived and we're looking for our husbands - Harry Cooper and Roy Grayson. They were supposed to be staying in these chalets but we can't find them. It's a funny thing, I suppose, them arriving here on Saturday and us not showing up until today but there was things to be done at work. Sandra and I work in the same factory, it's the one that makes...
( Close up of Spike )
Spike- Oh dear... oh dear, oh dear... oh dear, oh dear, oh dear... oh dear, oh dear, oh dear, oh dear...
The staff room -
Mr Partridge-( Thumbs under lapels and speaking melodramatically to Mr Cooper and Mr Grayson ) I put it to you that, last night, you two gentlemen were in a chalet alone, together, so to speak, on your own.
Mr Cooper- "On our own" and "together" - I'm not sure that's possible. ( He laughs )
Mr Partridge- "possible" you say but how about "morally acceptable" ?
Mr Cooper- I don't quite follow.( Pause ) Here, your beard is coming off. It's a fake.
Mr Partridge- Yes, I'm working undercover ! Now then, two men, together for what purpose, eh ?
Mr Cooper- For goodness sake, you make it sound like we're a couple of poofs !
Mr Partridge- That, members of the jury, is exactly...
(Spike- bursts in with the women and children )
Spike- Ah, here we are. I'd like everyone to meet Mrs Cooper and Mrs Grayson ... and all the other little Cooper's and Grayson's !
Mr Cooper- Hiya Love !
Mr Grayson- Hello Gorgeous ! ( Much embracing and cuddling. )
Jeffrey- Delighted to meet you all. ( Shakes hands )
Ted- If you'll just come with me I'll get you set up in a couple of adjacent double chalets. With a complimentary bottle of champagne for all your inconvenience of course.
Mrs Cooper- Oh how lovely. Who are you ?
Ted- Ted Bovis, your camp host
Jeffrey- And I'm Jeffrey Fairbrother, the Entertainments Manager.
Ted- And these two gentlemen are the police but I don't think we'll need their services any longer.
Mr Partridge- Yes indeed. Goodbye. ( To wives ) Lovely to have met you.
Fred- Yes, my best wishes to you all ( He doffs his hat and the wig comes off with it ! )
Mr Cooper- ( to Mrs Cooper ) it's OK love, he's undercover.
End titles.