Mass Effect: Psychobabble

Inside the Captains Cabin aboard the SSV Normandy, Commander What's-his-name Shepard slept soundly in his bed. Lately he had been having nightmares about the atrocities that are happening on Earth and all those he failed to save. But tonight was different, tonight Shepard dreamed of tacos.

All the tacos.

Oh it was a magnificent dream. Tacos as far as the eye could see. Shepard could eat tacos to his hearts consent. And he ate tacos till he couldn't eat tacos no more, and then he ate more tacos, because it was a dream, and these thing happen in dreams.

For the first time ever, Shepard was truly happy, if only he could stay in this taco nirvana forever.

WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAG

Shepard opened his eyes and jumped up.

"What the fuck was that?!" He said

WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAG

Alarmed at what it could possibly be, Shepard jumped out of bed and ran to the elevator. By instinct he pressed the button to the crew deck and rode the elevator down, noting how oddly cold it was all of sudden.

Upon reaching the after mentioned floor, Shepard walked around the corner and heard the noise again. But this time much louder.

WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAG

He walked to the middle of the crew deck to address everyone in the room as well as well as Doctor Chakwas who could see through the med bays windows.

"Does anyone know what is making that sound?" He asked, but his only reply was everyone looking at him strangely. Some looked with horror, others with confusion, Cortez for some reason looked impressed. But Shepard ignored them, for he had heard the noise again.

WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAG

Now Shepard could pinpoint where it came from. And it was coming from the gun batteries. Shepard ran as fast as he could. Garrus always was in there, and he could be in trouble. Garrus was Shepards best friends. He couldn't let anything happen to him.

Shepard opened the airlock door to find Garrus standing there with his mouth wide open, emanating the noise.

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA - oh, Shepard, need me for something." The Turian said.

"Garrus. What are you doing? What was that sound you were making?!" Shepard yelled.

Garrus crooked his head, and then snapped his fingers. "I knew I forgot to tell someone."

"Tell me what" Shepard demanded to know.

"Well…" Garrus started to look a little embarrassed. "It's the Turian mating season. And I was just practicing my mating call."

Shepard stood dumbfounded. "You're… mating call?"

"Oh yes. Liara came in here not to long ago to compliment me, she was half naked and told me to quote 'Shut the fuck up' which I'm pretty sure in Asari means 'I wanna do you right now."

"Garrus!" Shepard snapped. "The Reapers are attacking the galaxy. Their killing everyone we know and love. Both of our entire species could be completely wiped out. Tell me, why are you so concerned about getting laid at a time like this?!"

Garrus dropped to his knew and began to sob. "I just want to be loved." He cried "You always get the hot alien chicks. Why can't I be like that? Why can't I be like you? Why can't I be like Captain Kirk?"

"Wait. You know about Captain Kirk.?"

"Well actually, I believe Picard is a better Captain then Kirk"

Shepard gasped. "BLASFAMY." He said and proceeded to Shepard punch Garrus, sending him flying into the gun batteries computer, thus de-calibrating it, and ensuring Garrus to be busy for the next several years.

Feeling a job well done, Shepard began to head toward the exit, when the door opened to reveal Legion stand in front of him.

"Shepard-Commander, we…" Legion stopped and began to scan Shepard for a few seconds. "Shepard-Commander, may we inquire as to why you are not wearing any clothing."

And that's why Shepard no longer sleeps in the nude.

The end

Authors note: How much of nerd am I to know about Kirk and Picard when I don't even watch Star Trek?