Yeah, not my best Jackie story, but still, hope someone out there enjoys this story. Mainly deals with the Doctor's supposed past relationship with the Brigadier and wis wife, Doris.
Dealing with Death
Sometimes Jackie looked at the Doctor and wondered why he didn't bother with his feelings. She didn't know if he just bottled things up, didn't show them off in public, or just didn't feel as strongly as a human would. Either one of them would fit in, seeing as he was pretty much an enigma.
And it made her guilty to even think of wondering that. Because she wanted to see him hurting. Wanted to see him let himself feel what he would. Because she had been told of his home world, how his planet and people, his family, were destroyed, and she wondered how he could live with something like that.
He had charged up and switched on his mobile phone. Something he only ever did when he was here. Something about promising someone long ago that if they needed anything while he was on Earth to give a call and he'd see what he could do. UNIT she think it was called. She'd heard of them through Mickey. He had worked for them for a while.
Rose had gotten the Doctor to stay in for lunch. Something that happened much more of late, since his regeneration at Christmas, and of which she liked. This version was much better than the other one, and she was beginning to find she actually rather enjoyed it when he was down.
A big part of that did have to do with Rose being with him whenever he did visit. The visits were, after all, for the benefit of Rose and herself.
It had seemed more a chore than anything else for the first version of him she knew.
They had been enjoying the salad she had made earlier that day when the mobile rang. The Doctor stared at it for a few seconds, before picking it up and answering it. His smile widened when he heard what must be a familiar voice on the other end of the phone. "Brigadier! What are you doing calling me?"
He was quiet for a second, before he frowned a bit. "No, wait a sec," he covered the phone with his hand and looked at her. "I'm going to go take this outside, be back in a minute."
Jackie and Rose saw him waving through the window before he continued on with his conversation. She watched him as he took his call, she couldn't help it. She was just plain curious as to whom this Brigadier was.
His smile froze and quickly fell, and he shook his head. She could practically read his lips as he said no. His whole demeanour changed then, and she saw something she hadn't since the days he wore that leather jacket of his. He tried to curl up and hide from something, his free hand wrapping around himself, while the other held the phone to his ear, but was closer to his body.
He disappeared from sight, straight down, and for one ungodly second she had thought he had jumped off the balcony, and in a rush to see if he was alright, leaving a confused Rose on her seat, she ran outside, thankful to see him sitting on the concrete below the window.
"When is it?" he asked to the man on the other end of the phone, and he nodded. "Yeah, I will stay here for three days, I can do that. I wouldn't forgive myself if I missed it. I'm sorry." He listened for a few more seconds before he nodded and remembered slightly that it couldn't be seen. "Thanks for calling me...bye."
He put down the phone, but forgot to end the call. She could hear the finality of the click from the other end as she reached him and sat down next to him. "Doctor, you need to turn it off now." She said, pointing to the phone.
He looked at it and blinked, the move looking to be a bit slow, sluggish. "Oh, yeah. Thanks..." he hit the button to end the call, before switching the phone off. He glanced up at her with big brown eyes and looked lost. "I need to stay here for a few days. Hope you don't mind..."
"No, of course not. It'll be good to have Rose around for a bit longer."
He nodded and looked towards the TARDIS before he got back to his feet and stepped back inside, closing the blinds behind him. The room was swept into a twilight of colour, as opposed to the warm light that had been coming through a few seconds earlier.
"Doctor, what happened?" Rose asked, knowing something was wrong by the expression on his face and the way he held himself.
He shook his head, and went to the room opposite where the TARDIS was parked, her room, to flop onto the bed and bury his head. She followed him in there, telling Rose to wait outside. "Doctor? Are you avoiding the TARDIS?" she asked, as she closed the door behind her.
He turned his head to look at her and nodded. She frowned at the visual display. He was quiet. That definitely meant something was wrong. The Doctor loved to talk. "Why?"
He shrugged and moved slightly to get into a more comfortable position. "Because if I look at her right now, I'll be crossing my own timeline, and that would be a very stupid thing to do. Once something is done, it is done, no going back. No changing things. And I'll be too tempted to do so right now."
Jackie looked at him carefully and reached out to put a hand on his back. "You alright? What did the man on the phone want to tell you?"
He took a deep breath and shrugged. "He is a good friend of mine. His wife, Doris, died earlier this morning. She was a friend too."
"Oh. Oh, sweetheart, I'm sorry." It was all she could think of really to say.
"Funeral's in three days. Need somewhere to stay until then. Can't go back to the TARDIS..."
Jackie nodded, knowing that he knew she had already told him he could stay here. "Of course. I'm not going to kick you out. Do you need a lift?"
He nodded and sighed. "I can't believe it. She was only human, yeah, but she's been there for me for a long time, still a lot less than how long the Brig has been. They hadn't met when I met him. It was just plain stupid of me to have switched on the phone. I usually forget. Why couldn't I have forgotten today..."
She rubbed at his back and shook her head. "Don't beat yourself up about it, Doctor."
He closed his eyes and nodded again. "I know. Doesn't make it easier knowing that. And it is stupid timing too. I'm finally getting on with my life and then this happens."
Jackie closed her eyes and wished that she had never thought of wanting to see him like this. "I don't think so. Just...bad luck maybe. People can't not die to save you from pain. It's something you just have to live through. Like everyone else."
"I'm fed up of living through it! It never ends. I just...I want to stay in this haze right now. Haze is good. Less thinking, and I don't want to think of this right now."
Heaving a sigh, Jackie nodded. "Alright then. Come on, up you get. Finish your salad, and I'll get you some tea to drink."
She watched as he heaved himself up off the bed, and he made it look like the most difficult thing in the world to do, and step off back into the lounge room to grab his plate. He nibbled on a piece of cheese, a couple lettuce leaves, and left the rest.
Well, at least he had eaten something. She'd have to watch him like a hawk to make sure he kept on doing so. He really needed someone to look after him. She wondered who might have done so directly after the War.
Well this time he had her, and Rose of course. There was no way Rose would leave him now. Not when he most needed a friend. She found she couldn't really get upset over it this time, which was rather surprising. But given the Doctor's current state of mind, she could let it go. She wondered slightly how bad his state of mind would be if it had been this Brigadier who had died instead.
She made him a cup of tea, handed it to him and he took a few sips of scalding liquid, burnt his mouth and let go of the cup with a loud 'Ow!' He looked at the pool of tea and broken cup at his feet and looked ready to burst into tears. "I'm sorry! I'll go get something to clean it up."
"No, you sit down. I'll clean it up." Rose said, and her daughter was out of the room and in the kitchen looking for the cloths for spills like this one within seconds. Jackie tried to stop him as he bent down to pick up the pieces of broken glass, but not in time to stop him from cutting his hand.
This time he did burst into tears, but the worst thing was that these were not the kind that one sheds from pain, or loss, but of complete frustration. "I can't do anything right," he sobbed out, burying his head in his hands and slowly managed to calm himself down.
Jackie found there wasn't really anything she could say to make him feel any better so instead of talking she sat down next to him and gently rubbed his back in comforting circles until he had settled down.
"It's only tea and an old cup. It doesn't matter Doctor," Rose said as she cleaned up the mess on the floor and carefully picked up the broken pieces of china.
He nodded, sniffed and looked up. "I didn't mean to break it."
Jackie kept up her rubbing and smiled at him when he slowly turned to glance at her. "It's alright, I'm not going to yell at you for it. It was an accident. You're not thinking straight. It happens."
He shrugged and got up but it was clear he had no idea what he was going to do, as he just stood there staring off into space. Gently, she led him back to sitting down and left him to his own devices for a while. Rose was with him at the moment, and she knew her daughter will do whatever he needed whenever he needed it.
Three days passed by slowly for all of them. And when the day for the funeral dawned bright and sunny, she kept on shooting glances in the Doctor's direction. He was either going to take this very badly, or it wouldn't hit until later.
He was still walking around in a haze, but today there was a nervousness to him, and whenever anyone went too near him when he didn't want them to be, he would snap at them to go away. He had started pacing the lounge room and hallway an hour ago, and was doing his best, or so she thought, to put ridges in her floor from it.
He hated standing still, she knew this, it was why he was always moving from one place to another (well, that and he hated picking up after himself) but this was getting too far with that. She didn't stop him though, didn't even bother going near him. Not because she was afraid that he would snap her head off or anything, but because this was his way of working things through.
He was thinking, and that was either very good or very bad. A frown had come up on his face and stayed there for the past few hours. She didn't know if that was an improvement or not either.
Rose walked over to him and stood in his path, and instead of walking around her, he hugged her instead. Jackie smiled. That was definitely good. He whispered something in her daughter's ear which had Rose look surprised for a few seconds before she hugged him back and whispered something back.
She wondered what it was for a few seconds, before they moved over to her and waited. Looking at her watch, she saw that it was time to go.
An old man, this Brigadier who had been on the phone, was hugging the Doctor close to himself and didn't look like he was going to let go any time soon. It was good really, since it didn't look like the Doctor was willing to move right then anyway.
They were standing in the huge, sprawling front gardens of the estate that the Lethbridge-Stewart's lived in. They had been invited over for dinner after the funeral was over, and the Doctor had accepted right away.
Jackie knew that look in his eyes when he said it as fast as possible. He felt guilty over something.
The two pulled away from each other and she and Rose were ushered over to the front doors of the huge house and shown inside to a sitting room, where there was tea ready and waiting for them. The Doctor to Jackie's horror went and flopped himself down on a couch near the table and went straight at the tea, like he needed it to live.
"Oi! Manners," she stated, glaring at him with his trainered feet on the upholstery. He frowned and sat properly on the couch, flopping down quite unnecessarily upon it. Rose sat next to him and put a comforting hand on his knee.
She chose one of the lounge chairs near the table and hoped she wasn't being too rude herself. After all, the man of the house was with them, and they were guests, and my god she had never been inside a house this big before.
"Oh, you get used to the Doctor's behaviour after a while," the man, she had soon learnt was called Alistair stated, looking at him with genuine friendship. "I can barely remember a time that he hasn't popped by every once and a while."
"Speaking of, I really, really am sorry for the way I was last time. You wouldn't believe what I went through before I...yeah."
Ah, yes, Jackie had known it. Guilt. It followed the Doctor like a big black cloud sometimes. It was getting easier to recognise when he was feeling guilty over something, because he was completely too good in this form to hide his emotions.
"It's alright Doctor. Though I wish you would have come back when you found your voice. You had us both worried."
A look so bleak came over the Doctor's face after that. "Doris...was this," he waved his hand around in a gesture that didn't convey at all what he was trying to say to her eyes. "Did it happen because of me? I was...a bit unresponsive, I get that, but if I was really worrying you that much..."
Alistair shook his head. "No. You don't have to blame yourself. It had nothing to do with you whatsoever."
It was only then that Jackie realised that he was blaming himself for the death of his friend. By something that had happened years ago to the Doctor and probably close enough to a few years for the Brigadier himself.
"Oh. If you don't mind me asking...how did she die?" The Doctor asked quietly, his voice a little higher than it usually was in the asking.
The face of the older looking of the two men fell. "We were travelling. An around the world trip that Doris had been planning for quite a while. She got sick in Africa. We came back home, hoping that being here would help but...her body was too old to fight the infection. Like I said. It had nothing to do with you."
A look of relief washed over the Doctor's face, and Jackie frowned. Just because it wasn't his fault that the woman died, didn't mean he had to go looking like this over it. "I really thought.... After the way I acted last time I was here...I really should have come back, I know that, and she took good care of me. It isn't right that I didn't say goodbye. I just up and left after you two had gone to bed. Probably woke you up with the TARDIS."
"We thought you needed a bit more time than either of us could give you to work things out. Good to see you active again though."
The Doctor put on a weak smile and nodded. "Yeah. Um, before dinner, do you mind if I go lie down a bit? See my room, sleep. I've been too worried to even think of rest."
The Brigadier got off the chair he was sitting on and nodded. "Of course. If you are willing to stay the night, rooms can be found for your companions."
He was looking at her, his brown eyes, old and deep, boring into her own looking for permission to stay a night with his friend. She nodded and smiled. "Sure. We'll stay. It'll be interesting to hear a bit about you Alistair, seeing as you've known the Doctor a lot longer than we have."
Rose smiled at the two men and nodded. "It'll be good for him too," she said, nodding slightly in the Doctor's direction.
"Oi! I am in the room still you know? No gossiping until I've left. I remember when you met Sarah Jane. Couldn't get the two of you to stop giggling for half an hour."
"Sarah Jane! How is she now?" Alistair stated, looking from Rose to the Doctor in interest.
"Later!" The Doctor stated, and whatever words would have made their way out of his mouth were stopped by a rather wide yawn. He sighed afterwards. "And I just know I'm not going to rest well..." Before another word could be said, he slowly wandered out of the room, and towards wherever his supposed bed was in the house.
The three left in the sitting room took their seats again. Before Jackie could say anything about how nice the tea was, Rose spoke up, asking an unexpected question.
"He never talked? Not once, last time he was here?"
The old man shook his head. "No. He was practically catatonic. We had to nurse him through the after effects of regeneration. He was unresponsive to everything, like he said himself. I doubt he remembers most of what happened, and he was here for months."
"He'll probably kill me for saying this but..."
"No. Don't tell me. He will in his own time."
Rose looked startled for a second before smiling and nodding. "Yeah, he will. He won't go into any details, but he does owe you that much, and I think that's why he's been so worried."
"Doris was just as attached to him as I am. It was mainly her care that got him through those months he was here with us."
Rose nodded and frowned. "I'm sorry. About your wife. I never knew her, but I'm sure she was a good person."
"Oh yes, she was. She didn't approve of the militaristic way of life. Either did the Doctor for that matter."
"Still doesn't," Rose said back in a small voice, looking off towards the door the Doctor had disappeared off to. Jackie shook her head, neither of them knew which room was the Doctor's, but right now she thought that was a rather good thing. No need to go bursting in on him if he was sleeping.
So why was it she felt the urge to go through every room on every floor of this house in search of him, just to check he was doing alright?
Hearing about him being in a state so bad as to not talk at all, barely aware of anything had frightened her more than she would like. Because while she knew that things like that could happen to humans, she didn't expect it to happen to him. She didn't know whether that was because he was an alien, or because he was usually so talkative.
Could he even suffer from Depression, or, because of his extra long....lives, was he more prone to it then a human?
The thought of outliving everyone she loved, watching everything she had known and watched grow and nurture, Rose, just die of old age...she didn't think she'd be able to stand that. Knowing that he had watched this happen...
"If you don't mind, I think I'd like to lie down for a bit myself," she said softly, afraid that if she didn't her head would explode in sympathy for him. For them both.
If she didn't do something right then, her thoughts might turn even nastier than they already were. And the Doctor had been keeping her up nights with his pacing about the flat.
No need to burst in on him when all he's needed was a good bit of rest and some time to himself. With him not wanting to go into the TARDIS either...well, he'd been miserable the past few days.
"Of course. I'll go get someone to make sure rooms for you and your daughter are ready." Alistair wandered out of the room, leaving her and Rose alone for a few minutes. Silence filled the room, nothing but the sound of Rose sipping at her tea every now and then to punctuate just how quiet it really was.
By the time Alistair had come back in, a maid behind him, curtseying them both, he asked them to follow the girl to their rooms. Rose was dropped off first, in a room filled with pink frilly curtains, and bed sheets.
Jackie found herself in a room not too far away from Rose, which was pink in itself, but much less...girly. It was a darker shade and without the frills. Either way she didn't mind as long as there was a bed, and it definitely had that. Plus, she was a pink kind of girl herself.
It was a giant canopy number, meant for definitely more than one. But she flopped on it in seconds, slipped her shoes off, and was asleep in a matter of minutes.
She had no idea of what time it had been when she had gone to sleep, but by the time she was woken up, feeling as though it had only been a few seconds, dinner was ready for them.
She wasn't hungry, but seeing as it was unlikely no one here was, she decided it might as well be good manners to at least show up and take a few bites of food. After all, the food had been cooked to give the Doctor some peace of mind. That and it was a farewell feast for poor Doris.
It was a shame she hadn't known the woman, even if she was a bit older, as she would have gotten along famously with someone who seemed to be able to put up so easily with the Doctor, while living and keeping a house this massive.
Rose was waiting out in the corridors for her. The Doctor wasn't in sight.
Then he came round a bend, his head turned to stare at the floor, and to her shock, she saw that he looked even worse than when he had gone to lie down. His hair was mussed completely out of more whack than it normally was, his eyes were blearily looking at the floor, but weren't wet or red from crying.
She wished, she honestly truly wished right now that he would give in to his storming emotions and either shout at someone or something, or cry.
He looked up at them and tried to smile, and failed miserably at it. Rose didn't say a word. Instead, her daughter walked quickly over to him and brought him into a hug which looked like it would never end.
"God, you look worse than when you wandered off!" she stated, before she even thought of what she was saying and he stared at her blankly.
"Couldn't sleep. I want to sleep. Why can't I sleep?"
She didn't answer, as she thought it was obvious to not only her and Rose, but himself as well, why he couldn't sleep.
The dinner was roast lamb, with potato and vegetables. Small enough to not worry about a whole crowd of people, but enough to feed all four of them with only a little left over. Because she watched as the Doctor very slowly got through the entire plate of food in front of him.
Afterwards, their meal done with, they had a glass of wine each, and, to her delight, she found that the Doctor had somehow fallen asleep in the armchair he was seated in.
They were back in the sitting room then, and Alistair chuckled to himself. "He always takes it too, silly man. He comes here sometimes if he needs help or is in need of comfort. I suppose it's because we've known each other for a long time. God knows, we have fought a lot during that time, mainly about how to go about problems with alien threats. But he is a friend, a dear one at that, and sometimes he knows what's best for him is a bit of sleep and time. He knows that I slipped something in his drink, but drank it anyway."
"You drugged him?" Rose asked, her voice a bit higher than normal.
"Yes, I did. And he knew I did too, so don't worry about that."
She wasn't too thrilled herself, looking into her own wine when she yawned widely, but she had been tired lately since the Doctor's pacing had been keeping her from getting enough sleep. Well, if he had drugged her, at least he knew that she needed sleep too.
She was shown back to the room she had been in before, and this time when she woke up, it was another bright and sunny day. Bright and sunny did not fit the mood of the household she currently was in.
The Doctor stayed in his room all day. She had asked a maid which room was his so she could check up on him after she had woken up and had found him sprawled over the bed in there, snoring loudly.
The Doctor didn't snore like that, not normally anyway. Usually he didn't snore at all, unless he just pretended to sleep in front of her to please her, which she really wouldn't put it past him. Throughout the day, she kept on poking her head in. He wasn't always asleep. Once she found him gloomily staring at the wall.
He'd turned away and refused to talk to her though. She really couldn't blame him.
After that time, she left him to his misery.
They left a week later. It had been, to her surprise, possibly the most boring week she had ever had. Living in a mansion was not as glamorous as what she had thought it would be.
She was glad, but sad at the same time, to have caught the Doctor crying silently to himself some of the times she had gone to visit him in his room to see how he was doing, especially during the past two days. At least then, he'd let her comfort him with a hug.
She decided next time anything like this happens she wouldn't wish this kind of pain on anyone, especially someone who had already lost so much.
She dreaded the day he got the call to say that Alistair himself was dead.
He'd be devastated.